Shadow
by TakumaAngel
Summary: Not only are Anko's most recent memories gone, but her world is about to be turned further on its head. As she struggles to separate herself from Orochimaru's twisted legacy, she notices that a member of the ANBU is battling his own demons. She tries to reach out to him, but he makes it clear he prefers solitude, and Anko resigns herself to supporting him silently from the shadows.
1. Chapter 1: The Outcast

**A/N: Introduction—PLEASE READ!** Hey all, I'm back with another fic, this one a far cry from "Anko's Roses". Before I begin, I'd like to thank Kishi for completely screwing up the timeline for Kakashi's backstory. That makes it incredibly difficult to pinpoint what happened when for continuity's sake, and especially for the sake of logic. That being said, I claim creative license, and MY timeline for his backstory up until the point of this fic is as follows:

Jonin Promotion Age/Obito's Death: 12 (Wiki claims Kakashi and Obito are the same age, but I do believe Kakashi is supposed to be younger. However I didn't want him to be that much younger, otherwise this story wouldn't work very well.)

Rin's Death/Joined ANBU: 13 (Minato was not Hokage for very long. He placed Kakashi in ANBU almost immediately after he began his tenure, and roughly a few months later, he received news that he would soon be a father. Minato died 9 months later, thus we can conclude that he was only Hokage for about a year.)

Minato's Death/Initial Interaction with the Foundation: 14 (According to Wiki, Kakashi and Yamato are roughly 4 years apart in age. When the Third Hokage tells Kakashi about the abducted infants, he says that if any infants implanted with Hashirama's cells had survived, they'd be about 10 years old, leading to the conclusion that Kinoe/Yamato was 10 when he first met Kakashi. That would make Kakashi 14 at the time.)

Our story begins with Kakashi at age 15, immersed in the early years of his ANBU career. Again, if we go by Naruto Wiki, Anko is about two years younger than Kakashi, so she will begin this tale at age 13. One reason for putting her starting age at 13 for this story is because she was promoted to Chunin at age 12, presumably before Orochimaru left the village. Although the Land of the Sea Arc is apparently not canon…I say bullshit. If it wasn't canon, they wouldn't have even created it, right? I'm estimating that she was outside the village with Orochimaru for somewhere between 6 months to a year before she left him. Another reason for putting her starting age at 13 for this story is because that age seemed appropriate given her flashbacks in the Land of the Sea Arc.

Sorry about the long introduction. Now that the timeline has been established, let's begin our story, shall we?

 _Chapter One: The Outcast_

 _The crows cawed and the owls began to stir as the sun dipped down behind the mountains. She walked home from a long day of training with her friend and rival, Ibiki, and she was starving for something good to eat. She hoped mama had prepared something yummy for supper, and maybe something sweet for desert. Her stomach growled and she placed a hand against her belly, sympathizing with it. She would be home soon enough._

" _Anko," came a voice from somewhere to her right._

 _She stopped and narrowed her eyes to gaze into the shadows only to tilt her head in surprise._

" _Lord Orochimaru?"_

 _He stepped out into the orange light of dusk, and suddenly they were the only two standing on that particular street._

" _Good evening, my child. Headed home, I see."_

" _You bet! I'm so hungry I could eat…well anything really! I'm not picky."_

 _He chuckled. "Of course not."_

" _Did you need me for something, Sensei?"_

 _He gave her a sideways smile, his eyes bright. "Actually, I wanted to extend an invitation to you."_

" _Really? What kind of invitation?"_

" _You know I've been dedicated to my research for quite some time, and it appears that if I want to further it, I'll need to expand my work outside the village, which will require an extensive amount of traveling. Since you are my favorite pupil, I thought you might like to accompany me."_

" _Sure," she beamed. "How long do you think we'll be gone?"_

" _I'm not sure. A while. At any rate, if you do come with me, you must be fully committed this venture. But of course I'm not worried. Your curiosity is unmatched by any of your peers. I think you can handle it, don't you?"_

" _No sweat! It sounds like an adventure!"_

" _Indeed. If you're sure, then take this." He handed her a folded piece of paper, and when she took it, she read its contents. "I would like to leave as soon as possible, but I have a few things I need to take care of first. Go home, have dinner with your family, and in the morning, I'd like you to head to Tanigakure and find me these supplies."_

" _Why can't we go together?" she asked, confused. "I can wait for you."_

" _I'd rather not waste any time, and if you can get those supplies for me, I can meet you there and we can begin our travels together. How's that?"_

" _Okay, whatever you say, Lord Orochimaru."_

" _Excellent. Then I'll see you soon, my child."_

 _With that, he disappeared back into the darkness. Anko's stomach growled again, and she suddenly remembered her hunger. Shoving the folded paper into her pack, she ran home to eat and to tell her parents of her new mission._

X-X-X

Her eyes fluttered open and she blinked away the bleariness of sleep only to shield herself when she found that the sun was too bright. It took her a few moments to be able to get a good look around, but when she was finally able to take in her surroundings, she only furrowed her brows in confusion. Sitting up, she glanced to her right, then to her left. She was on a beach, and she was all alone.

The girl rose and walked along the shoreline, scanning the area in search of familiar faces. Surely there was someone else there with her. She tried to remember how she'd gotten on the beach in the first place, but for some reason, she had no recollection of any events prior to waking up there.

Biting her lip, she called out for help. "Hello? Is anyone here? Hello!" She stopped in her tracks and said more softly, "Anybody?"

No answer came. Seeing a dock up ahead, she headed toward it, hoping it would help her see across the ocean in case a ship happened to pass by. If she could just find one person, they would at least know where she was and maybe they could even tell her how to get home.

She walked out onto the dock and cast her gaze straight ahead. No ships. Only a few islands in the distance.

 _'Where…where am I?'_

She tried again.

"Hellooooo! Anybody out there? Helloooo! Somebody? Anybody!"

She waited for a response, but none came. She frowned as she looked out at the islands.

The breeze coming off of the ocean picked up, ruffling her hair and her clothes, and despite its warmth, it gave her goose bumps. A sudden sharp pain ripped through the back of her left shoulder and up into her neck as if someone had just stabbed her. It took her breath away, and her hand flew to the sight of the pain as she grit her teeth, her eyes squeezed shut.

Her pulse quickened, but at the same time, she could feel a second pulse resonating from the back of her shoulder, this one much slower, as if it belonged to someone else. Visions flashed before her mind. The eye of a snake. A laboratory. A long, dark hallway. Those eyes again. She heard the laugh of a mad man, and suddenly, she was being chased by white snakes. She heard herself scream and another sharp pain forced her eyes wide open. Her mouth was agape in a silent cry of agony and though she looked out at the islands, all she saw was a crazed, white face with dark hair, gold eyes and long fangs.

Finally finding her voice as well as her legs, the girl ran from the dock, screaming and holding her head, trying to erase the terrifying images that plagued her mind.

She was still being chased by those snakes, and that laughter came from all sides.

"No! Stay away from me!" She spun and swatted at the air around her only to fall backwards. She scrambled to her feet and kept running. "I said get away!"

In her imagination, one of the snakes wrapped around her ankles and she tripped and fell. Her impact with the sand dispelled the horrible illusion, though she now lay quivering in fear, trying to catch her breath. Her neck still hurt, but the pain was beginning to dissipate.

She pushed herself up onto her knees, panting. She hadn't the strength to move, and so she simply sat there, endless questions circling in her mind. _'W-what was that? Was it real? Did it really happen? Where am I?'_

She was so lost in her own confusion that she didn't notice when the three masked men surrounded her.

X-X-X

"It's no use," she said as she held her head in her hands. "I don't remember anything. I should know this, but everything...It was dark, empty...My body was in so much pain..."

"Just calm down. Take as much time as you need to think," said the medic that knelt before her.

She touched the back of her shoulder, feeling tired, frustrated and helpless. "I'm not even sure if I got this weird mark while I was there." She had told them about the visions she'd had since waking up on the beach, but since she couldn't tell if those were memories or figments of her imagination, they weren't much help at all.

The medic, his expression forlorn, looked to the Hokage who stood behind the girl. He sighed. "The damage is deep. Everything she knew may have been erased."

Her frustration overtook her and she fought to hold back the tears. Her body shook with sobs though, no matter how hard she tried to contain them. She was surprised when a hand touched her shoulder and she looked behind her to see the Hokage kneel beside her chair.

"Rest easy," he said quietly. "I know you must have been through quite an ordeal."

"I..."

"It's going to be fine. Don't worry about remembering. Our priority is treating the curse mark before it gets worse."

"Lord Hokage…I…I'm sorry. I'm trying—"

"I know, Anko. It's alright. Rest your mind for now." The Third stood and motioned for the sealing team to step forward.

Anko looked around nervously, suddenly frightened by the ANBU that had surrounded her. "Lord Hokage...?"

"We must seal the Curse Mark," said Lord Third, his tone leaving no room for discussion. "Be prepared for a great deal of discomfort, but I promise, once the Sealing Jutsu is complete, you will no longer suffer under burden of the Curse."

She watched as the four ANBU operatives took their positions and waited for the Hokage's signal.

"Are you ready?" asked the man in front of her who wore a bird mask.

She was a bit afraid of the pain she might feel, but if it got rid of all the awful hallucinations and the pain of the Curse Mark, then she supposed she shouldn't complain. She steadied herself and took a deep breath. Then she nodded reluctantly.

The Hokage also gave a nod of approval. With a flurry of hand signs and the proper incantation, the seal painted on the floor began to move toward Anko, wrapping around her legs and winding its way up her body. She screamed at the sensation of having fire dragged across her skin and smoldering within her shoulder. The three-pronged mark began to glow only to be smothered by the seal before it went dormant and reverted to its original, black form.

Anko grasped her shoulder again as she bent forward, breathless and panting. She felt the Hokage's aged hands on her again and heard him call her name.

"Anko, are you alright? It's over now, I promise."

She tried to open her eyes but found that her vision was blurred and she felt dizzy and nauseated. She opened her mouth to speak, to utter some kind of reply, but the effort was too great and she blacked out.

X-X-X

"It's pointless to question the girl," said Tsunade as she stood with the village elders before the Third Hokage. "She obviously isn't going to remember that easily."

"I know," said the Hokage. "But we must work on her nonetheless. From what she has told us of her visions, I think it's safe to assume Orochimaru is behind all of this. He did leave the village without a trace, and we've been searching tirelessly for he and Anko ever since."

"You are right, Hiruzen," said Homura. "There is no doubt in anyone's mind that this is Orochimaru's doing. And since he is a rogue ninja, it is imperative that we find out as much information from the girl as possible."

"That's right," Koharu agreed. "If it means keeping the village safe, there is no other choice."

Tsunade growled and glowered at the two elders. It was common knowledge that she and the Third often disagreed with the rigidity of the Council. "Even if that means forcing Anko's memory to submit to our will?"

"I agree with Tsunade," said Danzo, finally speaking up. "Orochimaru is gone and he no longer poses a serious threat to the village. Why waste our efforts on this girl and on tracking him down?"

"Because he's a criminal, and it would not be wise to assume he's harmless. The man is anything but," said Homura. "I say we focus on uncovering the girl's memories."

"At what cost?" barked Tsunade. "Do you have any idea what kind of strain it would put on her mind if we were to force her to remember something that has obviously been hidden from her own consciousness by a high level genjutsu? Not to mention that at some point, she's going to have to be told about the fate of her parents. Why subject her to that kind of mental torture all at once?"

"It isn't that we do not care for the child's wellbeing, but we must think of the greater good," insisted Koharu.

"The greater—!" Tsunade bit her tongue, knowing that it wasn't wise to speak out so boldly against the Council members.

"That's enough," said the Hokage slowly. "Homura, Koharu, I appreciate your input as well as your concern for the village, however I have to agree with Tsunade. To invade Anko's mind so violently would cause her too much trauma. I believe she has suffered enough, and sadly her suffering is not yet at an end. There is no need to put her through all that. We will continue to work with her and hopefully we will be able to unlock pieces of her memory, but I do not hold much hope that we will recover it all."

"For once, the Hokage and I are on of one mind," said Danzo.

Lord Third's eyes swept to the leader of the Foundation, knowing full well that they were not of one mind. They were close enough, however, and so no arguments ensued between the two—this time.

"So you're going to leave this up to chance?" said Koharu disapprovingly.

Hiruzen took a drag from his pipe. "I'm afraid so. I will not risk the health of the poor girl. We are already aware that Orochimaru had been experimenting with forbidden Jutsu, and Anko's Curse Mark tells us that he has continued to use human test subjects. I doubt she would know Orochimaru's current whereabouts anyway. I think we can safely assume that he would abandon his former hideout just in case we did manage to piece together her memories."

"Do you think it wise to operate under the assumption that Orochimaru would not have confidence in his own work?" asked Homura. "He thinks much too highly of himself. He probably believes his Jutsu will hold up no matter what methods we use to dispel it."

"I am not a fool," said the Hokage with an air of authoritative finality. "We have dispatched two teams of ANBU Black Ops to search the Land of the Sea since that is where Anko was discovered. Make no mistake when it comes to my methods for protecting this village. This discussion is over. My decision is final."

Tsunade held back a smirk as she took in the rather sour looks of the two village elders. She supposed she should have more reverence for the pair, but the fact was, they were never happy with any of the decisions made by the Hokage, no matter who the Hokage happened to be. As far as she was concerned, they were just a couple of old bats fighting for control over a village that would never listen to their long list of complaints. At least the Third was strong enough to hold his ground against their judgmental badgering.

"Tsunade," came the Sarutobi's now much calmer voice. "You will head the medical team assigned to work with Anko. I entrust the girl to your care."

"Yes, Lord Hokage."

Homura and Koharu threw her annoyed glances but Tsunade ignored them. She had her orders. Their opinions didn't matter. However, as she looked at Lord Danzo, she noticed that he seemed far too pleased. Something about that man never sat right with her, but she had no time to dwell on those thoughts at the moment.

X-X-X

It drove her crazy, not being able to remember. Anko fisted the white sheets in her hands as she sat up in the hospital bed. She had been told to relax her mind and to not try to think about the past that was lost to her, but it was such a difficult order to follow when she desperately wanted answers to her own questions.

Like, why had she been taken out of the Hidden Leaf Village? And by who? Why didn't anyone else seem to know where she had been? Had she been kidnapped? How long had she been away? How did she get the Curse Mark? How long had she lain on the beach before the ANBU had shown up? Why was she left there in the first place?

It was all so frustrating, but she knew she had to stop her brain from running in circles. She was giving herself a headache, and she had nothing to show for her efforts.

Her head shot up when she heard the door to her room slide open. A familiar face with long, blonde hair and kind, brown eyes stepped into the room with a smile.

"Hello, Anko. Tell me, do you remember who I am?" she said as she reached the bedside.

Anko looked up at her, a bit confused by the question. "Of course I do, Lady Tsunade."

The older woman nodded. "Good. Forgive the seemingly obsolete question, but I simply wish to ascertain at what point your memory was erased."

The girl frowned and looked back down at her hands. "I remember the village just fine, as well as the people in it, but..."

Tsunade leaned down and placed a hand on Anko's shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it right now. I promise we'll work together to help you remember, but as of right now you're in no condition to be put through all of that. Once you've recovered from your ordeal, we will try again to break the genjutsu."

"But Lady Tsunade, what if it doesn't work?" Anko protested. "What if I still can't remember anything?"

The Sanin sighed and pulled the stool over to sit beside the bed. "Look Anko, I can't promise you that we'll unlock all your memories, but we will give it our best shot. And anyway, we already know _who_ you were with and we are certain that he is the one who gave you that mark."

Anko stared at her, eyes wide and mouth agape. "You-you do?"

"Yes," said Tsunade, closing her eyes. "You were with your…former teacher, one of the Sanin like myself; Orochimaru."

At the mention of the name, Anko saw that pale face in her mind, those glassy, golden eyes staring at her, judging her. And that voice, it called her name in a tone that seemed to mock her.

"Orochimaru…Sensei…?"

"That's right. He left the village half a year ago, and he took you with him. We've been attempting to find him—and you—ever since. I don't want you thinking on this too hard, and that's why I decided to tell you what we do know. That way at least you have a few of your questions answered."

Anko looked away from Tsunade. "But why…why would he do this to me?"

"That we don't know. He had begun experimentation with forbidden Jutsu, and when Lord Hokage found out, Orochimaru fled the village. More than that, we don't know."

Tsunade stood and pushed the stool away. "Now that you're awake, I'm sure you must be hungry. I'll have someone bring you something to eat, how's that?"

Anko watched with slumped shoulders as Lady Tsunade headed toward the door. She had answered a few of Anko's questions, but the admission also stirred new ones in Anko's mind.

 _'How could I be so stupid? How could I have followed him? Didn't I know he was doing bad things?'_

Her stomach began to churn as she wondered if she'd followed him willingly, despite his misdeeds. She couldn't live with herself if she came to find out that such a terrible notion was true. On the other hand, if she hadn't known…then she would forever curse herself for her own ignorance.

Feeling like a fool, she wrapped her arms around herself, knowing there were only two people who could comfort her in her time of distress.

"Lady Tsunade?"

The Sanin stopped. "Yes?"

"I…I want to see my parents."

Tsunade was silent for a long moment before she ducked her head. "I'm afraid that's not possible."

Anko stared at her, not understanding. "Why not? I won't tell them anything…I mean, I couldn't even if I wanted to, right? If you're worried I'll say something I'm not supposed to…"

Tsunade was torn. The poor girl needed her loved ones, but little did she know that they could not come to comfort her. Anko needed to know, but now was not the time. Not wanting to be dishonest or to mislead the young kunoichi, Tsunade replied, "We'll talk about it later. For now, just rest."

As the Sanin left the room, Anko couldn't help but feel cold and alone. Where were her mother and father, and why couldn't she see them? All she wanted were her parents. But perhaps this situation was far too delicate for her to see them just yet.

She glanced out the window, hoping that she would get to return home soon. Wouldn't mama be so surprised?

X-X-X

A few days later, Anko stood before the Hokage, Tsunade, and the Konoha Counsil to discuss where they would go from there. It was decided that her physical health was stable, but interrogations and other procedures meant to break the genjutsu were deemed inappropriate and potentially damaging.

Anko was both relieved and disappointed. On the one hand, she was dying to know what had happened to her over the last eight months, but on the other, she wasn't sure she could handle the mental strain. Not right now. Maybe in time, she would ask the Third Hokage to help her uncover and piece together her lost memories.

"So, am I free to go home now?" she asked, the desperation evident in her quiet voice.

She noticed Lady Tsunade's expression fall, and Lord Danzo looked away. Homura and Koharu closed their eyes while the Hokage removed the pipe from his lips and seemed to take in a deep, steadying breath.

"About that," said Lord Third. "There is something you should know."

A feeling of dread began to weigh on her, making her uneasy as she watched the rather grey expressions on the faces of her elders.

"What is it?" she asked, afraid to hear the answer. "Are my parents okay?"

A deep sadness swam in the eyes of the Third Hokage as he met her gaze squarely, knowing full well that she had every right to know the truth.

"I'm sorry, Anko. Your mother and father are no longer with us."

She stared back at him in horror, eyes wide as she tried to quell the rising sickness that was quickly threatening to overtake her.

"What…what do you mean?"

"Your parents are dead," said Danzo frankly. Both Tsunade and Hiruzen shot him a dark look for his insensitivity.

Anko took a step back and shook her head. "No… No, you're lying."

"We apologize for not telling you sooner," said Tsunade. "But we wanted to make sure you had enough time to recover from the ordeal of your memory loss."

"No, it's not true!" she shouted. "It can't be true!"

"But it is true, dear," said Koharu gently.

The girl covered her ears, her eyes squeezed shut as she shook her head again, trying to deny their claims.

"Stop it! Stop lying! Mom and Dad are fine! I'll go home, and they'll be there, waiting for me!"

The Hokage had risen, stepping around the table and approaching the distraught child.

"I'm sorry, Anko, but I'm afraid it isn't a lie." He reached for her, but she slapped his hands away.

"No, get away from me! Leave me alone!" She turned, attempting to bolt for the door, but she tripped over her own feet and ended up huddled in the fetal position on the floor.

As her body shook with the effort to hold in her pain, Hiruzen knelt beside her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. She tensed further, turning her head to hide her face, wishing a hole would appear to swallow her up. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. Her parents had to be alive. They weren't Shinobi—they were supposed to live long, healthy, happy lives.

"It's alright to be upset," said Lord Third. "It is a terrible thing indeed, and no one blames you for the hurt you must feel."

"No…" she nearly whined, thinking that this had to just be bad dream. Silently, she begged him to take it all back, but when he said nothing else, simply continued to rest his hand on her shoulder, the sobs came. She tried to contain them, but the effort was too great.

"There, there," he said quietly, moving his hand to rub soothing circles against her back. "It's alright. I know this must be difficult for you, but the pain shall pass. For now, it is okay to cry."

Tsunade and the Counsil had left the room to give the girl some privacy to mourn while Hiruzen slowly and gently pulled her up into a sitting position. She no longer protested as he brought her into the circle of his arms, and she turned her face into his robes and sobbed.

The last thing Anko remembered was eating supper with her parents; laughing and joking with her mother; wrestling with her father. She remembered saying goodnight to them before heading upstairs to bed. Now, they were gone, and she would never get to hug them or hear them say 'I love you' again.

X-X-X

The door swung open, light pouring into the entryway. Beyond it was a darkness that only intensified her pain. Her heart had dropped into her stomach and it laid there like the heaviest of stones.

She stepped beyond the threshold and into the house. One foot after the other, she walked beyond the light until she stood immersed in the shadows of her childhood home. To the left was the kitchen, and to the right was the living room. A set of stairs separated the two, rising up into a black hole that made her stomach churn.

Anko bit her lip, trying to be brave and hold back her tears. She tried, but it was too much for her, and she found herself running away from that house, unable to confront the reality that her parents had had their lives cut short within its lonely walls.

Earlier, once she had gotten a grip on her emotions, the Hokage had told her that it was likely Orochimaru who had been responsible for their deaths, taking their lives so that they would be unable to tell anyone in the village where he and Anko had gone. When she was ready, he had taken her to visit the graves of her mother and father and had stood with her in an understanding silence as a war raged between her ears.

She felt like an idiot and blamed herself for their murders. If Orochimaru was such monster, how on earth could she have been fooled into following him? She wished she could remember the day she'd left the Hidden Leaf, and where she and Orochimaru had gone, but for now she had no choice but to live with the questions and to find a way to cope with her despair.

It was too soon—she couldn't go home. It couldn't even rightly be called 'home' anymore. What was a home anyway? Did it even exist if the people you loved were gone?

She ran and ran through the empty streets until she made it to the outskirts of the village. Still she kept running, wanting to lose herself in the forest and needing to be as far away from that house, the memory of her parents, and the unbidden image of their cruel, untimely deaths as possible. When her legs couldn't carry her any farther, she collapsed on the forest floor, her cries coming again and her body shaking with the force of her sobs. Leaning against the base of a tree, she pulled her knees to her chest and buried her head in her arms. Even the woodlands were deathly silent as she cried alone in the darkness.

X-X-X

Her feet carried her through the now busy village streets with no destination in mind. She hadn't eaten anything in more than twelve hours, but as she passed Ichiraku and other eateries, the smell of the food only turned her stomach. Turning her nose away, she continued on to nowhere.

Part of her had hoped that if she walked among the crowds, she would feel a little less alone. However it seemed that the villagers wanted nothing to do with her, regarding her with what looked like suspicion and keeping their distance. She ducked her head as several people spoke in hushed, conspiratorial whispers, careful to avoid eye contact. She even managed to make out some of what they were saying.

"Look there."

"Isn't that the girl that was with Orochimaru?"

"Yeah, it is. Wonder what she's doing back in the village."

"I'm surprised the Third Hokage let her come back. If she spent all that time with Orochimaru, she's got to be messed up in the head."

Even parents who saw her ushered their small children away in a hurry. Anko ducked her head, not only feeling alone, but realizing that she didn't belong there anymore. Out of the corners of her eyes, all she could see were looks of fear, suspicion, and disgust on the faces of civilians and shinobi alike, and she brought her shoulders up to her ears wishing that she could just disappear.

She turned a corner and kept walking, trying to remain inconspicuous when she heard two familiar voices behind her. She stopped in her tracks, a flicker of hope returning as she spun around to face her two former teammates.

"Shito! Nuka!" she shouted, bounding toward them.

That flicker was quickly extinguished as they swung their heads forward, their chipper expressions replaced by shock and alarm. They took several quick steps back, instinctively reaching for their hip pouches, and Anko froze, her face falling.

"Hey…what's the matter you guys? Don't…you remember me?"

"Sure we remember you," said Nuka coldly. "You're kind of hard to forget. Where's our Sensei?"

Suddenly she felt ten inches tall and she ducked her head again. "I don't know."

"You expect us to believe that?" asked Shito, pushing his glasses more securely against the bridge of his nose.

"Guys, I'm telling you the truth. I don't know what he's doing, or where he is. I swear, I'm not like him—"

"Really? Then why are you still wearing _that_?" asked Nuka.

Anko clutched at the snake fang pendant around her neck. Truthfully, she had thought about throwing it away, but she had decided to keep it as a reminder of Orochimaru's betrayal and the threat he still posed to the village. But she could tell they didn't want to hear any of her thoughts on the subject. No doubt they would cast it off as an excuse.

"We knew he wasn't right, and you never wanted to listen to us. As it turns out, the sicko was conducting human experiments. You mean to tell us you knew nothing about that?"

"I…"

"Save it," said Shito. "You made your choice, and you chose him over this village. You shouldn't even be here."

She reached for them even as they turned their backs on her, and in the end, she let her hand fall to her side as she was left standing by herself in the middle of the road.

It hit her that she was now taboo; blacklisted; a black mark on the village; a disgrace. She could have kicked herself for her own naiveté in choosing to follow Orochimaru in the first place, but what for? The rest of the village seemed to be doing a good job of it. Maybe that was what she deserved.

The villagers were right. She didn't belong there. Instead of trying to fit in as if the last year hadn't even happened, Anko made her way back out of the village, back to the forest, and into the trees. Perhaps she was better off alone.


	2. Chapter 2: Orphans

_Chapter Two: Orphans_

Stepping into the house was still hard, but she had to do it. It didn't feel as dark and lonely in the daytime, the sunlight giving each of the rooms a warm, familiar glow. Swallowing her nerves, she slipped off her shoes in the entryway and stepped up onto the hardwood floor with bare feet. It was cool, but not cold. As she moved into the living room and into the light she stepped onto the large area rug, letting the sun's rays heat her toes, her legs, her body, and her face.

Anko glanced around, noticing that nothing had been moved since the last time she'd been there. The furniture was still the same, in the same place; a television on the wall to the right, a coffee table, a couch, and two chairs facing it. There were shelves that lined the window, on which sat a clock that still ticked on, some books, and several pictures.

She scanned those photos, still keeping the memories of her family at arm's length. One step at a time, she told herself.

She walked through the doorway into the kitchen. Mama's decorations were still there; a basket of decorative flowers and fruits sat in the center of the table surrounded by four flower-printed placemats. On the walls were painted slate and wooden signs that said things like 'The Sweetest Treats Are Made With Love', 'Kitchens Are Made For Bringing Families Together', and 'Live Life With A Little Spice.' Above the sink, there was one that read, 'I love hugs and I love kisses. But what I REALLY love is help with the dishes!'

More pictures still hung on the refrigerator door, mostly pictures of Anko and her mother, immersed in their various adventures in cooking together. There was one picture in particular that told the story of the time Anko tried to make a birthday cake for her father, but it turned into a disaster. He loved it anyway, and in the photo, he and his daughter are laughing in front of the failed mess of a cake.

She turned away and headed up the stairs. Looking first to the left, and then to the right, she decided to brave her parents' room. The door was cracked. She pushed it open, and it didn't make a sound.

The room no longer smelled like them. It smelled stale and dusty, just like the rest of the house. Forcing herself to step forward, she confronted the ghosts of the past, making her way over to her mother's nightstand. Beside the lamp were two more photos, one of Anko, and the other of her mother and father when they were married. She picked up the second photo, staring down at the joyful faces of her parents. A lost memory came back to her unbidden.

" _I'll be leaving first thing in the morning."_

" _So soon?" her father asked. "What's the rush?"_

 _She shrugged. "I guess he really wants to make some headway in his research."_

 _Her parents shared a look of concern before her mother set aside her fork. "Anko…I know your father and I don't really understand the shinobi world that well, but… We can't help feeling that maybe you should reconsider your trip with Orochimaru."_

" _Huh? Why?"_

" _What your mother means is…we see so little of you these days. Perhaps you may want to sit this one out. I'm sure…Orochimaru would understand. Don't you think?"_

 _Anko made a lopsided face. "Yeah, but… If he's working on something that could benefit the village, I want to be a part of it. Can't you just imagine if we found a way to prevent the loss of shinobi lives on the battlefield with a new jutsu or medicine? I would—we would be heroes!"_

" _That would be incredible, and we would be so proud of you," said her mother softly._

" _So I can go then?"_

 _Her mother looked uncomfortable, and so did her father. "I don't want to tell you no…but… I don't think—"_

" _Hey, stop worrying! I'll be fine! I'll be with Lord Orochimaru, remember?"_

 _Her parents grimaced, but she hardly noticed. She knew they weren't fond of her Sensei, but they often admitted that they just didn't understand the shinobi world, and so she saw no reason to discuss it any further._

" _And when I come back, we can make my favorite dumplings!" said Anko happily as she imagined them. "Mm, I can almost taste them now!"_

 _Her mother dropped her gaze to her plate, but merely picked at her food. Her father didn't say any more._

 _The next morning, Anko was up early, her pack already stocked. She bounded down the stairs and into the living room, throwing her arms around her father who sat on the sofa._

" _Love you, Papa!"_

" _You're not leaving already are you?" asked her mother as she entered the room._

" _Don't worry, I'll be back soon!" said Anko, jumping over the couch and giving her mother a hug. "I love you, too! Don't worry about me, ok?"_

" _That's easier said than done, Dumpling," she replied sadly. "Do me a favor, and please be careful."_

" _I'll be fine," Anko grinned, the upmost confidence in her statement as she headed for the door._

" _Anko."_

 _She turned back to look at her father._

 _He gave her a long, hard look before speaking gruffly. "I have faith in your abilities as a shinobi, but remember you still have a lot to learn. Don't go getting cocky now. Be smart, and return home safely."_

 _She nodded. "I will, I promise."_

 _They didn't look convinced, but she had no time to waste. If she wanted to reach Tanigakure as soon as possible, she had to get going._

They knew back then. Even though they weren't shinobi, they knew the truth that she was too blind to see, and they knew that if she'd made up her mind, they wouldn't be able to stop her. She should have listened to them, but she hadn't, and now they were gone. How different things would have been had she simply stayed…

Sitting down on the bed, she held the picture to her chest, letting the silent tears come again. She laid down on her side, curling up on top of the blankets with it, imaging that her mother and father were there with her now.

' _I'm sorry,'_ she thought sadly. _'I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sorry Papa. It's my fault you're not here…'_

When her tears had run dry, she left her parents' room and headed for her own. Still, nothing had changed. All of her belongings were just as she had left them, as if time hadn't moved at all.

She didn't plan to stay. Instead, she pulled a spare backpack from her closet and gathered several of her things: clothes, toiletries, a few books. She grabbed the picture of her parents again, deciding whether or not to take it with her. In the end, she couldn't part with it, and so she placed it in her pack, cushioning it with her clothes. Grabbing a spare blanket, she rolled it up and attached it to the bottom of her pack before leaving the room behind.

Maybe one day she could reclaim that house as her home, but for now, it was still much too painful. She glanced over her shoulder, giving it one last look as she stood in the front doorway. Then she left, closing the door behind her.

With nowhere to go, her only choice was to make camp among the trees that had become an odd sort of solace for her. Since she had yet to be sent on any missions since returning to the village, she had no money with which to get herself another place to stay. Maybe in time, she would be able to save up enough for a small apartment, but the mere pocket change she did possess wasn't nearly enough at the moment.

She supposed she could have asked the Hokage to help her find a place. No doubt he would understand that it was too difficult for her to stay at her old house. But Anko had lost just about everything, and all she had left now was her pride. She had put her faith in the wrong person once, and it had cost her dearly. Now it was up to her to climb out of the hole she'd dug for herself. She wouldn't lay down, roll over, and quit. She would make it. No matter how hard, she would reclaim a new life for herself, with or without the support of the village.

And maybe, just maybe, one day she would get her shot at slaying the snake that had taken everything from her.

X-X-X

Her fingers flew deftly through the hand signs as she concentrated on her chakra and her breathing.

"Fire Style, Dragon Flame Jutsu!"

Taking in a deep breath, she exhaled, trying to ignite her chakra, but nothing happened. She refused to give up, and she tried it again, cycling through the hand signs before shouting, "Fire Style, Dragon Flame Jutsu!"

No dice.

"Dammit. I can get this, I know I can! I just have to focus."

Fire Style was not only difficult, but dangerous, and Anko knew both of these things. Regardless, if she was determined to get stronger, she had to master more jutsu. Plus, the challenge of mastering such jutsu kept her mind occupied, so the harder the better.

"Fire Style, Dragon Flame Jutsu!"

Still nothing. Again, she performed the hand signs.

"Anko?"

She stopped mid breath, dropping her hands and releasing the air from her lungs before she turned around. She blinked in surprise at who stood at the edge of the clearing.

"I-Ibiki?"

He stepped forward, his expression unreadable, which if Anko remembered correctly, was a good thing. When he was agitated, he didn't bother to hide it.

"What are you doing here?"

"I had heard you were back in the village, but I thought it was just a rumor. I'm glad it's not. Welcome back."

"Thanks," she said before looking away and donning a rather sour expression. "It seems you're about the only one in the village who's happy to see me."

"Is that why you're way out here all by yourself?"

She crossed her arms, feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious. "Maybe. It's better than having people look at you like a monster and accusing you of being a head case and a traitor."

"Since when did you start caring what others think of you?" he challenged, his own brand of dull humor evident in his voice.

Anko looked back up at him in surprise. "What?"

"So maybe people are being jerks, but who cares? The Anko I know wouldn't let that get to her." He gave her a brief wink. "The Anko I know would prove them all wrong."

His words seemed to wake her up, to stir something within her. The Anko he knew? Did that Anko still exist? Or had she died along with the life she'd once lived?

Who was the old Anko anyway?

She was curious, cheerful, enthusiastic, and inquisitive. She was mischievous and fun-loving. She was tough and stubborn—a fighter. She was no pushover. She wanted to be the best that she could be, and she never let anyone stand in her way. She rose above all challenges, stomping anyone who dared to assert that she didn't have what it took to be a shinobi because she was a girl. Her tenacity and her drive was what had made her parents so proud of her in the first place.

Anko brought her knuckle to her chin, glancing down at the ground in thought. "You know what, Ibiki? You're right."

"Of course I am. Now try that jutsu again, and do it right this time."

Raising her chin and setting her jaw, Anko nodded. Turning around, she folded her hands in front of her and concentrated again on her breathing and her chakra. When she was ready, she opened her eyes with a new fire.

"Fire Style, Dragon Flame Jutsu!"

Ibiki smirked as she managed to ignite the very air that exited her body, and the wooden target in front of her went up in flames, crumbling into ash.

"Good job, Ponytail."

She faced him with a proud grin. "I did it! Thanks Ibiki."

He shook his head with a smile. "I didn't do anything. It was all you. Now that you've got that down, how about a sparring match for old time's sake?"

Her eyes lit up, glad that she had retained at least one friend, and thankful that he was able to instill a sense of normalcy to her life when her world seemed to have turned upside down.

The two began a melee of hand-to-hand combat, and Anko lost herself in the moment. She forgot about her lost memories, about her parents, about how the village saw her. She focused on Ibiki and his attacks, wanting to block him, hit him, and best him. He was her challenge, her rival—the force that made her strive to be better. He didn't see her as just a girl; he saw her as comrade, recognizing that she, like himself, wanted and needed to become stronger.

They were of one mind, and sparring with Ibiki allowed her to feel like she was truly home.

"Is that all you've got? You're a bit rusty," said Ibiki as he deftly dodged a kick and blocked a punch by grabbing her wrist. "What were you doing all that time you were away?"

"I wish I knew," she said before using his grip as leverage to flip and land blow to his shoulder with her heel. He let her go, and she landed on her hands, spinning and kicking him in the chest to knock him backward.

He might have been bigger and physically stronger than Anko, but she had him beat when it came to agility and flexibility. She leapt for him, and he moved to the side, his opposite fist aimed for her. She turned on a dime as she saved herself from falling forward, grabbing his arm and using the force of his own attack to pull him toward her and flip him onto his back.

As he pushed himself into a sitting position, Anko drew a kunai and held it in front of his nose.

"Rusty, huh?"

Ibiki stared at her before he chuckled. "Alright, I take it back. You win."

She smirked, replacing her knife and sitting down beside him.

"I'm glad you're back. I really missed this. You know?"

"Yeah, I know."

Ibiki frowned, furrowing his brows in thought as they both looked up at the skyline. "What did you mean when you said you wished you knew? Were you serious?"

"It wasn't a lie," she replied, dropping her gaze to her hands in her lap.

He looked at her in confusion. "What, you mean you really don't remember…?"

She shook her head. "No. He wiped my memory with a genjutsu that not even Lady Tsunade can break."

"You're kidding."

"I just said I wasn't," she grumbled, drawing her knees to her chest. "I don't have my memories…or my parents." It had been nearly three weeks now since ANBU had brought her back to the village. But the revelation that she'd been tricked by Orochimaru was not as difficult a pill to swallow as the reality that he'd made her an orphan, stripping away everything she'd ever known.

Ibiki's shoulders fell. He had almost forgotten about her mom and dad. He felt like an idiot. "Ah Ponytail…"

She smiled humorlessly. "I guess we're in the same boat now, huh?"

He supposed so, but he still had his brother. Although Ibiki and Idate weren't close, Ibiki at least had family left.

"Hey. We've still got each other," he reminded her. "Friends until the end, remember?"

Anko slowly lowered her knees and looked back at him. "Yeah, that I remember."

Though he wasn't the mushy type, he could see the pain coming back into her eyes no matter how much she tried to hide it from him, and he gave a sigh, holding out his arm. "Come on."

"W-wha—"she stammered, staring at his arm in confusion.

Placing his arm around her shoulder, he drew her into his side. As her shock subsided, she relaxed and leaned her head against him. He was all she had left, and she didn't want to push him away, especially not when his strong presence was reassuring.

"Thanks Ibiki," she said again, her voice low.

"Don't mention it."

When Anko revealed to Ibiki that she hadn't been able to return home, he offered for her to stay with him and his brother. She tried to decline his offer, but he insisted that it was better than the alternative she'd chosen. He seemed angry with her for not coming to him sooner, though he understood her reluctance to reach out to anyone after her harsh welcome back to the village.

Since their parents had died in battle instead of in their own home, the two brothers hadn't found it difficult to remain in the house where they'd grown up. They didn't have a spare bedroom for her, but she alright crashing on the couch. When Idate returned home from the Academy, he was surprised to see Anko, but he didn't greet her with any fear or hostility—further proof that Ibiki had never bad-mouthed her, and would always have her back.

The only downside to the arrangement was the constant tension between the two brothers. But honestly, she was grateful for an excuse to leave later that evening for a walk, wanting time alone to think.

The forest wasn't silent that night. It was full of the sounds of owls and crickets, and those simple sounds of life made it possible for Anko to find peace in her thoughts. Jumping up onto a large branch, she sat cross-legged, looking up through the canopy at the stars that glowed high in the night sky.

As hard as it was to just keep moving forward, Anko knew that she had no other choice. She wouldn't let Orochimaru destroy her—she refused to let him win. One day she would make him pay, but for now she was comforted by the knowledge that she had the power to take her life back.

What comforted her more was that, despite what she'd originally believed, she didn't have to do it all on her own. While she would fight her fight to the fullest, she was grateful that she could count on at least one friend.

' _Mama. Papa," she thought, hoping they could hear her wherever they were. 'I know I screwed up. But I know you're still here, watching over me, and even though I can't bring you back, I swear I'll make you proud of me again.'_

X-X-X

The others wouldn't get to her. She wouldn't let them. Ibiki had a point. If she wanted to go anywhere, she had to push aside all doubts and focus on building herself back up again, no matter what anyone else thought of her. So why hide? Why not step out into the open and let the villagers and her comrades see that she was not a clone of her former teacher? If it was human nature to fear the unknown, why not let them know her?

It wasn't easy to ignore the stares, the hushed whispers, and the way people tried their best to avoid her, but she told herself it didn't matter. If they wanted to make fools of themselves, let them. She would be get the last laugh when she proved them all wrong.

As she moved from street to street, she saw Shito and Nuka, whose expressions alone told her not to approach them. She met their hardened eyes with a determined look of her own, her head held high, but she saw no need to stop. What would provoking them accomplish?

Facing forward, she continued on. When she reached Akito's sweet shop, she found it populated with several young shinobi, a few of whom she recognized. She came to a halt just outside, and they looked at her, surprised.

"No way. Is that…Anko?" said the boy with the bandana and a senbon his mouth.

"What's she doing here?" asked one of his friends.

"I don't know," said a third boy with spiky brown hair and a bandage across his nose and face. "But I hope she leaves us alone. If she really was with Orochimaru all that time, do we really want to invite that kind of trouble in here?"

Anko heard these comments, and she set her jaw, deciding it was best to just keep moving.

"Don't be such idiots," came a female voice. Anko stopped as she heard footsteps approaching her, and she turned to find a girl walking towards her with a kind smile. She looked familiar, but Anko couldn't place her.

"Don't mind them. Boys; am I right?" she laughed.

Taken aback by the girl's friendliness, Anko looked back at her in confusion. "Do I…know you?"

"I don't think we've ever officially met. I'm Kurenai. You're Anko, aren't you?"

"Er…Uh huh."

"She's trouble is what she is," muttered Genma.

Kurenai turned around and glared at him. "Shut up before I take that senbon out of your mouth and shove it in your eye!"

The boys gaped at her, surprised and terrified.

"Whoa…I didn't know you had such a violent side," said Asuma.

She crossed her arms defiantly. "There's a lot you don't know about me." Turning back to Anko, she donned a friendly smile. "Come sit with us. And don't worry about them. I've got you're back. Us girls need to stick together, right?"

Anko grinned back at her. "No doubt."

The boys were quiet as Kurenai led Anko to the back table that she'd previously been occupying with Asuma. "Here," she said as they sat down. "Take some dumplings. I ordered far too many!"

"A-are you sure? You bought them."

"Go on, it's fine! If I eat them all, I'll just end up with a belly ache!"

"Oh. Ok then! Thanks!" said Anko, picking up a dango stick and taking a bite. Between eating her favorite dumplings and making a new friend, the day was turning out to be pretty sweet indeed.

X-X-X

A continuous, high-pitched chirping noise distracted her from her training, and she swung her head around to try to pinpoint where it was coming from. Curious, she took to the trees and headed in the direction of the strange sound, wondering what on earth it could be.

Reaching the edge of a training field full of straw and wooden dummies, Anko stopped, perched within the branches as she watched a boy in ANBU gear slice through them one by one with a Lightning Style jutsu. Her eyes could hardly keep up with him since he was nearly as fast as the Lightning in his palm.

He stopped briefly once he'd destroyed all the dummies, and Anko wondered what he would do next. She didn't expect him to leap for the tree in front of him, chakra blazing as he slammed his fist into its trunk. Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened, watching in awe as his jutsu cut right through the tree, felling it.

What incredible power. And that tree was no sapling; it must have been nearly a hundred years old with its large trunk, wide roots, and thick branches. Yet he'd cut through it with what appeared to be minimal effort.

The boy jumped back, his breathing elevated as the Lighting Style chakra receded. Anko studied him as he straightened, from the sword on his back, to the mask on the far side of his head, to the tattoo on his arm. After witnessing his display of strength, it didn't surprise her that he was a member of the ANBU, but who was he?

He closed his eyes and exhaled. "You can come out now."

She froze a moment before jumping down to the ground, standing some distance behind him.

"How did you know—"

He turned his head to look back at her from over his shoulder, and she gasped at the fiery red iris of his in his right eye.

"The Sharingan…?" she breathed. "But you're not an Uchiha…are you?" He certainly didn't resemble anyone in that clan.

"No, I'm not," he said, turning more fully to face her. "Hold on. You're that girl, that student of Orochimaru's, right?"

She really wished people would stop pointing that out—as if she didn't already know. As if she needed the fact that her Sensei was a sadistic psychopath to keep being rubbed in her face. She crossed her arms, giving him a rather dark look.

"How original. I have a name you know."

"Alright. Then what is it?"

She sniffed in agitation, turning her head to the side. "Why should I tell you?"

"Fine. Then don't."

"Ah, hey!" she said as he started to walk away from her. "Wait, I changed my mind! It's Anko Mitarashi! And who are you?"

"I'm nobody," he called back.

She hurried to catch up with him, but he was too fast. He had already gone. Instead, Anko looked down at the tree he had blasted with his Lightning Style. There were no jagged edges, and it hadn't even splintered. The cut was clean, as if it had been done with a blade.

Whoever that boy was, he sure wasn't a no body, of that Anko was certain.

Since returning to the village, she'd been met with either friendliness or hostility. But that guy was utterly indifferent. He didn't seem interested in Anko whatsoever. But then again, why should he be? It wasn't like he knew anything about her… Well, except that she was Orochimaru's student. He didn't seem to care about that either. Was that good or bad? She didn't know, but either way, he had quickly piqued her curiosity.

X-X-X

"Hey, are you okay? You've hardly touched your dumplings."

"Huh?" Anko looked up at Kurenai. "Oh…I'm fine."

"You don't look it."

"S-sorry. I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what?" asked Asuma.

Since Kurenai had insisted on inviting Anko into the group, the boys had come around to accept her as well. When she wasn't with Ibiki or off by herself, she was with all of them, and it worked out since unlike Ibiki, they all had an incurable sweet tooth.

Anko wasn't sure if she wanted to tell them or not. She chewed on her lip, debating, then finally thought, what the heck? Why not? "Mm…well, there's this boy…"

Genma and Raido groaned.

"Not like that!" she growled. Then she lowered her voice. "I saw him yesterday when I was at the training fields. I tried to ask him his name, but he said he was nobody."

"Maybe he was," said Genma.

"I doubt it." She narrowed her eyes as she looked down at her tea and dumplings. "He was an ANBU, he had a Sharingan, but he wasn't an Uchiha, and he used Lightning Style like it was nothing."

The others went silent, the boys making no more wisecracks.

"You mean Kakashi…" said Kurenai quietly, her tone almost hollow.

Anko looked up at her. "Kakashi? Wait, wasn't he one of the heroes of Kannabi Bridge?"

"That's right," said Raido.

"So I was right then. He isn't a no body."

"He's somebody alright," said Genma. "Whether he likes it or not."

Anko glanced around at each of them, not understanding. "What do you mean?"

"Well for one, father was the White Fang of Konoha," said Kurenai.

"The…shinobi who committed suicide…?"

"Yes."

"And if you remember, the battle of Kannabi Bridge didn't come without casualties," said Asuma. "He still blames himself for the death of Obito Uchiha."

"And not long after that, he lost his other teammate, Rin Nohara, not to mention his former Sensei, Lord Fourth," said Kurenai. "He's been in the ANBU since Rin's death, but it doesn't seem to be helping him at all."

"That's for sure," said a newcomer. Anko looked up to see a dark-haired kid in green with bushy eyebrows and a red bandana around his neck.

"Guy," said Asuma.

"He was cold before, but the ANBU's only made him colder."

Anko could understand why, after having lost so much. Not only was he an orphan like herself, but he'd lost his Sensei and his teammates as well.

Guy grinned. "No worries, though! As Kakashi's eternal friend and rival, I've made it my mission to make him hot-blooded again!"

"Ah, give it a rest," said Raido. "It's not going to happen you know…"

"You may have given up on him, but I won't!"

"I didn't give up on him, I'm just saying…"

"Speak of the devil," said Genma.

Anko followed the others' gazes as someone passed by the sweet shop. Her eyes widened when she saw the ANBU gear and the flash of silver hair. Why hadn't she realized that he was the White Fang's son? It seemed so obvious now.

"Kakashi! Hey!" called Guy. "I just got back from a mission! What do you say to a challenge, huh? Get that young blood pumping?"

Kakashi kept walking, not even acknowledging that anyone had spoken to him. Anko's eyes narrowed, wondering why he'd stick up his nose to his friends. (At least she assumed they were his friends, and even if they weren't, his rudeness seemed unwarranted.)

Guy crossed his arms, the smile gone from his face. "Ignoring me again, huh?"

"What did you expect?" asked Genma.

"He has a point," said Raido.

Looking around at the others, especially Guy and Kurenai, Anko could tell that they all felt something for Kakashi. While Guy was disappointed and somber, Kurenai appeared sad and resigned.

Who did he think he was, turning his back on people who actually cared about him? It angered Anko. She would never blatantly ignore Ibiki, or Kurenai, or any of these guys just because she'd suffered some losses. Did he think he was better than them? Did he think they were all beneath him? No matter the reason for his disrespect, Anko couldn't stand by and watch it.

To the others' surprise, she stood and marched out of the sweet shop after him.

"Where are you going? Get back here!"

He didn't listen to her, and she ran after him, passing him up and blocking his path.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!"

He stopped and blinked at her.

Balling her hands into fists, she shouted, "Is that how you treat your friends? By ignoring them? Who do you think you are anyway?"

Kakashi looked back at Anko, appraising her, but did not answer.

She growled. "I asked you a question!"

"I'm not obliged to answer," he said as he tried to walk by her.

She moved, continuing to block his path.

The indifference in his grey eye gave way to annoyance. "What's your problem?"

"You are! You have friends that care about you and want to help you, and all you can do is treat them like they don't exist?" Knowing how terrible she felt when she had thought she was all alone, she couldn't understand how anyone could reject another person's kindness in favor of that unforgiving solitude.

"I'm not in the mood, ok?" he said, pushing her aside.

She spun around and called after him, but she stopped short when a hand fell on her shoulder.

"Huh?"

She looked up to see Guy beside her. "Just let him go."

"But—"

He shook his head, and she gave in, and together, they watched Kakashi disappear into the crowded street.

 **A/N:** Yep, I'm keeping the Anko/Ibiki friendship, and Ibiki's backstory from Anko's Roses. It's become my head canon, so I'm sticking to it. I'm also keeping my Anko/Kurenai friendship because 1.) Anko needs a female friend, and 2.) because judging by evidence from the anime, they seem like they would bond over dumplings. I have no idea why Anko was not included anywhere in Kakashi's ANBU arc, especially since it dealt with Orochimaru. It's like she didn't exist at all. I also thought Anko was the first person to survive getting the Curse Mark, but apparently Kishi screwed that up too. I'm remedying that now.

And I'm setting Anko and Kakashi up as a foil. Given similar tragic circumstances, they chose two different ways of dealing with things with two very different outcomes.

I have a feeling this cold Kakashi is going to be rather difficult to write, especially after writing his as the Kakashi we all know and love several years down the road. So bear with me if I end up making him OC at all.


	3. Chapter 3: Mysterious Scarecrow

**A/N:** Correction for chapter 2—I had to go back and make a minor edit. Ibiki is 3 years older than Anko. Since she made Chunin at 12 and he made Chunin at 15, that means they both achieved Chunin rank at the same time, as evidenced by the fact that they fought in the Forest of Death. This story takes place a year later. This minor detail doesn't really affect the story, but darn it, I'm nothing if not detail oriented. Ha!

Oh, and everyone except Kakashi is a Chunin at this point. Just thought I should mention that because someone pointed out that it wasn't obvious. With a large time jump, they'll likely all be Jonin, except maybe Anko, but I'm not sure.

 _Chapter Three: Mysterious Scarecrow_

Guy, Kurenai, and the others seemed to understand something about Kakashi's behavior that Anko did not, but they never spelled it out for her. No doubt they felt it simply wasn't their place to do so. Though his rudeness seemed off-putting to Anko, his friends appeared confident that he was a good guy with a good heart who just had trouble dealing with the culmination of all the losses he had suffered. They urged her not to take his words or his actions personally.

She didn't, but still, it bothered her that he preferred to block them all out instead of allowing them to be his support system. Watching his minimal interactions with them over the next few weeks only deepened the mystery of this boy named Kakashi. While he appeared cold and disinterested, there was an air about him that suggested that his loneliness ran deeper than his self-induced social isolation. Judging by the expressions on the faces of his friends when they saw him or spoke of him, she knew her instincts were correct. There was far more to Kakashi than met the eye.

When one day, all of her friends had been sent out on missions leaving Anko alone, her curiosity got the better of her, and she went in search of Kakashi. She didn't find him, but for the next few days, she searched. Perhaps he was out on a top-secret ANBU assignment. That or he didn't want to be found. Either scenario was a likely possibility.

But the day came when, as she walked through the forest, she heard the clang of swords and decided to investigate. Quietly, she made her way in the direction of the sound, careful to remain undetected by his Sharingan if it was indeed Kakashi.

Sure enough, she found him, sparring with a shadow clone, and she was instantly captivated by his movements. She had been impressed by the sheer power of his Lightning Style, and now as she watched him discreetly from behind a few large bushes, she was seeing his skill with a sword as he danced around with deft precision, his strikes and parries flawlessly executed. If he had been fighting another shinobi rather than his shadow clone, Anko was sure he would have had the upper hand.

She watched as his sword became an extension of his arm. She watched his legs and his feet; the ease with which he moved—dodging and weaving. The quickness of his motions were once again mystifying and difficult for her own eyes to track. She wondered how much of that speed was natural, and how much of it was aided by his Sharingan.

Though little could be seen of his face, she noted the hard focus present in his eyes and the determination in his brow. While there was definitely a fierceness within him, she also found grace and beauty in his form and fighting style.

It confused her even further. Clearly there was a dark cloud that seemed to always surround him, a shadow no doubt born of the tragedies he had been forced to endure, but she could see a wonderful spark of light and promise within him as well. Perhaps his friends were right after all, and he was kinder at heart than he appeared on the surface. But if that was the case, then how could someone so…sensitive—and no doubt honorable—possibly be an assassin in the ANBU?

As the clone struck out again (it was hard for Anko to figure out which one was which), the original Kakashi dodged, spun, and with two hands on his sword, sliced through the copy, making it disappear in a cloud of smoke. He held his crouched position, sword extended out to his side. Then he shifted only his eyes toward the bushes off to his left, and Anko saw his Sharingan flash and whir.

She froze in place, wondering again how he had found her. She was not easily visible, and she had been sure his attention had been focused solely on his shadow clone. Apparently she'd been wrong, and she swallowed, wondering how long he'd been aware of her presence.

Standing straight, Kakashi replaced his sword. He narrowed his eyes in her direction, but just as she was about to step out from her not-so-secret hiding place, he turned and vanished into the trees.

Anko darted out from the bushes and took off after him. "Wait! Hold on!" she called, but he didn't come back.

She leapt from branch to branch, scouring the canopy as well as the forest floor, but she couldn't locate him. She stopped on one particular branch, the sun shining down on her from above. It caught her attention, and she looked up. Determined, she jumped upwards—up and up and up until she reached the very top of the tree, balancing on its upper-most point and scouring the landscape down below.

There was no sign of him. He had disappeared again.

Anko frowned. She knew he preferred to be alone, but she couldn't help but ask herself why he would just run away from her. Briefly, she wondered if it was because of her ties to Orochimaru, but deep down she knew that wasn't it at all. He hadn't cared about that when they met, so why would he care now?

No, something more was going on with him, and as much as she knew she should leave it alone, what she really wanted was to confront it. But how? If even his friends couldn't get through to him, how was she supposed to?

X-X-X

Anko sat in the window seat in the living room one evening, the only light in the room spilling in from the kitchen. Her legs were drawn up to her chest as she contemplated the enigma that was Kakashi. She hardly knew him—ok, she really knew next to nothing about the guy—but she found herself oddly invested in him regardless.

Why was that? He was none of her business. Maybe he really was somebody, but he was no body to her; and she was no body to him. So why did her thoughts keep returning to him?

It was at that point she began to question if there was something wrong with her. Had he caught her attention because, like Orochimaru, he was obviously gifted with talent, power, and likely an intelligence to match? Thankfully that was where the similarities between the two likely ended, but still, the question arose in her mind if she was unnaturally drawn toward people who were immersed in some sort of enigmatic darkness. The thought nearly turned her stomach.

"Ibiki?"

He had just walked out into the living room after finishing off the sandwich he'd made himself for dinner.

"Yeah, Ponytail?" he said as he sat on the couch a few feet from her.

She kept her eyes on the darkened scenery outside as she asked, "Do you think I'm naïve?"

Ibiki seemed to think about that question for a minute before he answered. "Optimistic, maybe, but not naïve."

She made a disbelieving noise. "I followed Orochimaru. Even though it was apparently glaringly obvious to everyone else that there was something not right about him, I was an idiot and missed it completely."

"I'll admit…that was pretty stupid."

"Gee…thanks for the support…" she sighed bitterly, laying her head on her knees.

"Hey, he was your Sensei. Who hasn't been greatly influenced by their teachers? I was."

"Yours wasn't a nutcase. And Shito and Nuka weren't as dumb as I was…"

She heard Ibiki give an agitated growl. "Those two are asses."

"Maybe," she said, lifting her head. "But they're right." There was a moment of silence before she said, "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

"I thought you decided not to let the other villagers get to you."

"I did. This isn't about that."

She had mentioned Kakashi to Ibiki in passing, but Ibiki didn't know anything about him, so he couldn't give her any input on the subject. She saw no point in bringing it up to him now.

Another moment of silence passed before Ibiki finally answered her question. "No I don't."

She looked at him, though it was hard to see his face in the darkness. "Really?"

"Don't get me wrong… You're a massive pain in the ass sometimes…but there's nothing _wrong_ with you."

How could she argue with that? Ibiki didn't sugarcoat anything, even for her, and he knew her better than anyone else. What reason did she have to not believe him?

He stood and took a few steps until he could lean on the wall next the window seat facing her. He crossed his arms, his words a clear challenge.

"How do you expect the village to trust you if you can't even trust yourself?"

X-X-X

Anko saw Kakashi very little. She made no more attempts to seek him out, however, when she did see him, she found her attention drawn to him almost instantly. She still hadn't figured out why. His behavior made him appear snobbish and arrogant, but Anko knew that wasn't the case. Guy had said it best when he said that Kakashi had become cold in the ANBU. Regardless, Anko shouldn't have been interested in him at all. Why would she want to waste her time and her effort on someone like that?

Maybe it was the way his friends looked at him and talked about him. Maybe it was the way they refused to give up on him no matter how poorly he seemed to treat them whenever he would ignore them. Maybe it was the hunch in her gut that told her he was a good person who was simply lost and needed help.

There were times when she did witness Kakashi actually speaking to Guy, and although Kakashi's participation was minimal, it was clear he didn't dislike Guy. But he was still so cold, so distant, so…hollow.

Hollow. Empty. Desolate.

Desolate.

Anko slowly began to realize that Kakashi was not giving his friends the cold shoulder because he just didn't want to speak to them. He did it because he had no other way to respond. Whatever he'd suffered had left him with nothing. Even though he had people outside of himself who really cared about his wellbeing, inside, he was empty. He had nothing to give, not to himself nor to anyone else.

Yet, the mystery still remained: what had really happened to make him that way? Losing friends and family was hard, but coping with those losses was not impossible. Anko herself had lost her family, her mentor, and her teammates, but she was getting by. She had Ibiki, and Kurenai and the others, along with her own inner strength that allowed her to get through the difficult times. Kakashi wasn't alone. He had his friends, and it was clear even to Anko that they loved him—really loved him.

So why was there nothing inside?

X-X-X

Setting flowers on her parents' graves, Anko knelt before them in a long moment of silence. The tears had all run dry for the time being, and for that, Anko was thankful. She knew she had to move on, and crying wouldn't fix her mistakes, nor would it bring her parents back from the dead.

When she'd first been told about the death of her parents, she hadn't thought she would ever be able to accept it. But life goes on, and as much as she didn't like that her mother and father were gone, she had had no choice but to accept the new reality. She hadn't been ready to lie down and die and sleep with them forever. They wouldn't want that for her, and she didn't want that for herself. But the memory of her parents would live on in her heart forever, and where she failed them in life, she would not fail them in death.

Having sat before the gravestones long enough, Anko got to her feet, and with a silent 'see you later,' she turned to head out of the cemetery.

She stopped short when she noticed that someone else was there visiting a gravestone a few rows away.

Kakashi.

Without thinking about it, she took a step in his direction, but hesitated. Should she interrupt him, or should she respect his privacy and leave him alone? Was it her place to stick her nose in his business?

Her head told her to leave him be, but something else compelled her to approach him. Throwing reason to the wind, she followed that 'something else' until she stood directly behind his crouched form.

He knew she was there, and she knew that he knew, even though no words were exchanged between them. After a very lengthy silence in which Anko felt better just being present with him while he paid his respects, she spoke up in a quiet voice.

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely.

Kakashi appeared to take in a deep breath before he replied, "Yeah. So am I."

After another long moment, he stood, and this time as he walked past her, he acknowledged her interest instead of retreating into himself.

"Well, you've got my attention. What do you want?" he asked. His voice didn't convey annoyance, and he wasn't snippy. His words were very matter-of-fact and still…empty—as if he was hardly curious at all and only giving in because it was obvious she wasn't about to give up until he spoke to her.

Funnily enough, Anko had no answer for him. She still hadn't come up with a good reason for why she was drawn to Kakashi in the first place, let alone what she hoped to gain from learning more about him. Sure, there was a part of her that was just plain nosey, but there was still that 'something else' that she could not yet define…

As she walked behind him, she tried to think of an answer to his question, but felt stupid when she couldn't come up with one. He didn't badger her for a response. They just kept walking without saying a word, and he seemed to be okay with that.

Unable to think of a response, she answered his question with a question of her own.

"What…what happened to her?" she asked quietly.

He dropped his chin and his shoulders fell almost imperceptibly, but Anko noticed. It took him a moment before he replied with actual sadness in his voice, "I couldn't protect her."

So not only did he blame himself for the death of Obito Uchiha, but he blamed himself for the death of his other teammate as well. Was that why he pushed so many people away? Because he was afraid of hurting them?

She pondered this for several minutes before she said, "They really care about you, you know. Your friends."

"They don't have to," he said flatly.

"But they do!" Anko insisted.

"Maybe they shouldn't," he stated with a cold conviction. "And you shouldn't either."

His words crushed her. "Why would you say that?"

"Don't you hear it?" he asked, tilting his head slightly to one side as they continued on through the village.

"Hear…what?"

Silence.

"The names."

' _What names?'_ she thought, staring at the back of his head in confusion.

While her brain took a moment to catch up, Kakashi added with a humorless chuckle, "In a way, you might actually understand."

Anko suddenly began to look around. She had trained herself to tune out the villagers—to ignore them altogether—because she knew that if she continued to acknowledge their mistrust of her, it would be more difficult for her to move on with her life.

Now, as she let them back into her awareness, she saw their faces again; the looks of fear, concern, and suspicion; the hushed whispers and furtive glances. Yet, they were not all directed at her.

And that was when she heard them.

 _Cold-Blooded and Friend Killer Kakashi._

She returned her eyes to him, not able and not wanting to believe what she was hearing.

"But you said…Rin…"

He stopped in his tracks. "Remember the tree?"

The memory flashed before her eyes; the force of his Lightning Style cutting through the one-hundred-year-old wood like a well-sharpened blade. She continued to stare at him, not wanting to picture that horror unfolding, but the image came to her nonetheless; a young girl, cut down by Kakashi's lightning. She couldn't imagine…

"Does that sate your curiosity?" he asked, not bothering to stick around to wait for her response.

As he left her there standing in the middle of the street, she could only mentally answer the question with a resounding 'no'. Whoever this Rin was, she had obviously meant something to him—enough that he had wanted to protect her. If he had killed her, the questions that arose were, "How?" and "Why?" and "Did he do it willingly?"

Anko had made it a point to block out the villagers, to not internalize the terrible rumors they were fond of spreading. But were they right about Kakashi?

No, they were missing something, and so was she. There was more to this tale of failure and guilt. In fact, Anko was positive that his guilt had likely turned into an unwarranted shame that he was unable to shake. What other explanation could there possibly be when he seemed adamant, not that others _didn't_ care about him, but that they _shouldn't_? Such a notion was heartbreaking.

X-X-X

"Kurenai?" said Anko as the two girls walked home one late afternoon.

"Yes?"

Anko watched her feet as they moved along, hesitating before she spoke up. "I have a question…about Kakashi."

"I can _try_ to answer it. I admit I hardly know him these days."

"Asuma said that he blames himself for the death of Obito Uchiha. What exactly happened at Kannabi Bridge?"

"Mm… I don't really know if it's my place to tell you…"

"Well _he's_ not going to tell me…" Anko mumbled.

"Why do you want to know anyway?"

Anko shrugged. She still hadn't quite figured that out herself. "I don't know. Curiosity I guess. Everyone seems to know something I don't. And I just don't like seeing him all…" She paused, not sure how to finish that statement. "…and not knowing why." Anko looked at Kurenai, her next words a clear challenge. "And if everyone else already knows, then what's the big secret?"

Kurenai sighed. "I suppose you're right… Well, if you must know, I suppose there's no harm in telling you."

Anko waited patiently, until finally, Kurenai found her words.

"Kakashi had just become a Jonin, if you can believe that, and he and Obito never really saw eye-to-eye on anything. I'm not sure of all the details of what happened on that mission, but long story short, Obito saved Kakashi and ended up paying for it with his life. Before he died, he entrusted his Sharingan to Kakashi.

"Kakashi changed after that. He was understandably upset by Obito's death, and Asuma was right—he did and still does blame himself. But he had also made a promise to protect their other teammate, Rin, and that kept him going."

"He told me he couldn't protect her…and that he had killed her," said Anko quietly.

Kurenai's eyes widened. "He told you that?"

Surprised, Anko asked, "You didn't know?"

"Of course we all know, but the information was given to us by Minato-Sensei, not Kakashi himself. Kakashi refuses to speak about the incident."

Brushing off the apparent oddity, Anko asked, "So…what happened?"

Since Kakashi had already given Anko some information, Kurenai saw no point in not telling her the truth, though she kept it minimal.

"All I can say is that their last mission together went terribly wrong, and Rin sacrificed herself in order to protect classified information."

But that made no sense. "He didn't kill her then?"

Kurenai's face held a tragic expression. "She killed herself. And she used Kakashi's Lightning Blade to do it."

Anko could practically see it: the horrific impalement, as well as the shock, fear, and pain in Kakashi's eyes. Suddenly a low-burning anger rose inside her—anger at this girl for the way she had chosen to end her own life by destroying the mental stability of her comrade. It wasn't Kakashi's fault at all, but she had forever emblazoned that memory in his mind, and Anko doubted that anything would ever be able to erase it.

"That's awful," she whispered.

Kurenai agreed.

"So the villagers are wrong about him, just like they're wrong about me."

"Don't believe the terrible things you hear," said Kurenai, her voice bitter.

While Anko had made it a point to not internalize the things the villagers were saying about her, it seemed that Kakashi hadn't been as successful, and now she understood why. How could he not internalize that horrible nickname "Friend-Killer Kakashi" when he likely saw his teammate impaled on his arm every time he closed his eyes? The rational mind could only do so much to stop the flow of irrational emotional reactions to events, especially events as tragic and as traumatizing as that one. What was it like, she wondered: that endless cycle of intrusive thoughts that no doubt went round and round in his mind?

They walked in silence for quite some time before Kurenai spoke again, her tone much lighter this time.

"Why are you so interested in him anyway?" She gave a smile and a wink, nudging Anko's shoulder. "You don't have a crush on him, do you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Anko seriously. "I don't even know the guy."

"Isn't that why you're asking questions?"

"How can I possibly be attracted to a person I don't know anything about, or even know what they look like?"

"I guess that's a fair point," Kurenai mused, looking up at the sky with a smile. "But attraction can come in different forms, and I see why Kakashi would catch your attention."

"What, do _you_ have a crush on him?" Anko threw back.

Kurenai laughed. "On Kakashi? No! Of course not!"

Anko wasn't sure why that came as a relief to her.

As they stopped outside Kurenai's house, the older girl turned to Anko, her light expression having faded.

"There is something I need to tell you," she said.

Anko tilted her head. "Ok."

Kurenai bit her lip, evidently trying to find a way to best phrase what she wanted to say.

"Kakashi is good person with a good heart—never doubt that. But I must warn you that if you do develop some sort of feelings for him, I'm afraid it would only end in heartache, and I would hate to see you hurt. Just…promise me you'll be careful," she said, nearly pleading with her friend.

Anko saw the genuine concern in her eyes, but she was confused all the same. "Ok…I promise," she said, though she wasn't entirely sure what she was promising.

With one last desperate look at the younger girl, Kurenai mounted the steps and entered the house, Anko continuing on and wondering what she had really meant by that.

 **A/N:** I hope I'm not making Anko to…smart? Intuitive? Rational? I know she's only 13, but they're shinobi, which means they have to be able to think critically, analytically, rationally. She isn't stupid, that's for sure, and I don't think I'm making her draw any outlandish conclusions. Let me know if you disagree, but you know, it's actually harder to write 'confusion.' And pointless if you want the story to go anywhere… Right?


	4. Chapter 4: The Light and the Darkness

_Chapter Four: The Light and the Darkness_

"It's been a while since last we met. How are you doing?" asked Lady Tsunade as she sat on a stool in front of Anko in one of the hospital's exam rooms.

"Fine I guess."

"Any headaches?"

"No."

"Trouble sleeping?"

"Sometimes. There's still a lot on my mind…"

Tsunade nodded. "Any sick spells or fatigue?"

Anko shook her head.

Lady Tsunade ran through a whole litany of questions, noting that Anko appeared to be doing well, all things considered. Difficulty sleeping was to be expected, as were acute episodes of guilt and sadness, which were hallmarks of the grieving process. Though her mental health could be improved, Anko's physical health was pretty steady. The only red flag Tsunade noted was Anko's fluctuating appetite, but again, the phenomenon was not atypical considering her case.

"I take it none of your memories have resurfaced?"

Anko grimaced. "No. Not one."

"I see. I thought not."

"I still have nightmares… But it's all the same images."

"We had agreed not to subject you to any more mental stress after the shock of all that had happened until you were ready. The Counsil is insistent that we try again to break the genjutsu—or two members of the Counsil anyway. However, the Hokage has upheld his position that the decision is to be left entirely up to you. If you would like to try it again, that can be arranged."

Anko took a moment to think before she answered in the affirmative. "Yes, I would."

Again, Tsunade nodded. "Very well. Then we will pay a visit to Lord Third."

X-X-X

"Are you sure about this?" came the old, weathered voice as Anko walked beside the Hokage down the long, dark hallways of ANBU headquarters.

"Yes, Lord Third."

"Hm. I understand your desire to regain the memories that you've lost, but remember, you must be patient. We will do our best, but more than that is not guaranteed."

"I know…" she said, lowering her head.

He placed a hand on her shoulder in quiet reassurance.

The room they entered was big and round, similar to the one used by the Sealing Team, but there were no seals painted on the floor, and the lights around the room were a calming blue. Hiruzen led her to the chair in the middle, talking to her as she sat down and tried to get comfortable. Part of her was nervous, but the other part just wanted her memories back no matter how painful the process. Yet, the Hokage had a few cautionary words for her.

"Initially, efforts to break Orochimaru's genjutsu were minimal in order to minimize the risk to your already fragile psyche. But even the most stringent of those methods did not work, and so unfortunately we must resort to less gentle forms of attempting to unlock your mind. I must warn you, this experience will not be pleasant, and I urge you to speak up if it gets to be too much for you."

She swallowed, but nodded in agreement.

Tsunade was present, and there were three ANBU genjutsu specialists along the wall in front of her. When the Hokage stepped away, the agents stepped forward, taking up positions around her to form a triangle. One in a cat mask stood a few feet away directly before her chair.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"I'm ready."

"We're going to take this one step at a time. I'll be the only one to attempt to break the genjutsu this time."

He brought his hands up to make the proper sign. Though he said nothing, Anko felt a forceful pull on her mind a moment later, as if someone had grabbed her frontal lobe and yanked it. She let out a cry of pain.

The ANBU didn't let up. He prodded further, entering her mind as he tried to push past the genjutsu. The resistance was great, but if he could just keep it up, perhaps he could crack the barrier.

As Anko screamed again, the agent's eyes widened when a giant, white snake appeared on the psychic plane. It rose up with a nasty hiss and struck out at him, ejecting him from her mind and sending him flying backward until he hit the wall hard.

Anko's head fell forward, and she held it in her hands, her face twisted from the mental strain.

"What happened?" Tsunade demanded.

The ANBU agent rose, staring at the girl. "The genjutsu is more than just your average psychic barrier. It has a built-in offense."

He looked to his two teammates, and they nodded. He stepped forward again. He looked back at Anko, who had almost recovered from the first attempt.

"Do you want us to try again?"

Lowering her hands and taking a deep breath, she looked back at him with a determination in her eyes that said it all.

"Alright."

The three ANBU agents created simultaneous hand signs, and the breath was stolen from Anko as they each entered the psychic plane of her mind, pulling it in three different directions.

The snake appeared again, looking directly at the ANBU with the cat mask. He grinned to himself. If he could keep the snake occupied, his teammates would be able to find a back door to releasing the genjutsu. Or so he thought.

As the other two continued to pull at the mental barrier, careful not to lose their focus, two more snakes appeared. All three struck out at the intruders, and all three agents were flung from the psychic plane.

Anko bent forward, her body shaking as she tried to quell the pain in her head that felt like her brain was being ripped apart. Those gathered in the room were silent for a long time as they gave the girl a break.

Tsunade approached her, taking her head in her hands and performing a jutsu that healed the pain and calmed her mind.

"I know it's a lot. We can stop."

"No," said Anko. "Please… I have to know."

The ANBU agents looked at each other, and at the Hokage. Hiruzen gave them permission to continue.

Thrice more, they tried, attempting to get around the serpent guardians that kept the genjutsu in place, but they found no success. As Tsunade soothed Anko once more with her medical ninjutsu, she asked the Hokage if she could give it a try.

"If you think you can, then go ahead Tsunade."

"Sh, it's okay," she said softy. "I'll try to make this one easier."

"Just do it," said Anko, already growing mentally fatigued even with the healing jutsu.

Keeping one hand on Anko's temple to continue her medical jutsu, she placed the other hand gently on the girl's forehead. The mental intrusion was not as painful this time, though it was still uncomfortable.

Tsunade was greeted by the white snake, just as the others had been. As it struck out for her, she managed to dodge it, but it was too quick, even for her, and she, too, was ejected from the girl's mind.

"I'm sorry…" Anko whispered.

Tsunade sat up and slowly stood. "Damn that Orochimaru."

The Hokage dropped his head forward, his hat hiding his eyes. "No luck then?"

"No, not at all. I don't know how we're going to break it. She can't take much more."

"Yes I can," Anko insisted. Her jaw was set, though her head still throbbed and they all could see the pain in her eyes.

"Anko… I know you want your memories back, but—"

"I have another idea," said Hiruzen, and all the others in the room turned their attention to him.

"There is perhaps only one way to break this genjutsu."

"And what would that be?"

"I'm thinking of a powerful visual jutsu. The Sharingan."

"But, Sir, there are no Uchiha in the ANBU," said the one of the agents.

"No, but there is someone in the ANBU with a Sharingan."

The door opened, and Anko's eyes darted to the newcomer. She drew in a sharp breath, recognizing the mask and the flash of silver hair.

' _Kakashi.'_

"Sorry I'm late, Sir," he said, addressing the Hokage. "I would have been back sooner, but—"

"There's no need to explain. You're here now, and we're in need of your assistance. Thank you for coming."

"What is it that you need, Sir?" he asked. He couldn't stop his eyes from wandering, and he was surprised to see that girl sitting in the center of the room.

"This girl was with Orochimaru for several months, but it seems before they parted ways, he wiped away all of her memories of that time, sealing them with a powerful genjutsu."

"And…you think I can break it?"

The Hokage narrowed his eyes. "That remains to be seen… There are no members of the Uchiha Clan within the ANBU's ranks, but you possess the Sharingan. It may be possible for you to make more headway than we've managed thus far."

"I don't know… I've hardly mastered the Sharingan… But I guess I can give it a try."

"For now, that is all I ask."

"Be careful," said the agent with the cat mask. "That's no ordinary genjutsu. It's well protected."

Anko looked on as Kakashi hesitated, then turned his attention to her and carefully stepped forward. The remaining pain in her head and her mind faded as she concentrated on the black holes in the dog mask where his eyes remained hidden from her. While her heartrate had come down in the last few minutes, it spiked again as he drew nearer and slowly knelt before her chair.

He lifted his hand and removed the mask, his mismatched eyes meeting hers in the blue, hazy light. There was a gentleness in his expression; no doubt he could tell that this process hadn't been pleasant for her so far. An unfamiliar warmth spread throughout her body, and she felt it most in her face and cheeks. He didn't have to say a word for her to shift her attention to his blazing Sharingan, and she fell…

There was no pain this time as they were both transported into the plane of her subconscious. Anko looked around at the vast, blackish-purple space in which they stood. She wondered how she'd gotten there, where the snakes had gone, and why she didn't feel anything. She looked forward again, her gaze falling on Kakashi. What did he do?

He too was glancing around the empty space as he spoke. "This isn't right…"

"There are…supposed to be—"

She flinched at the loud hiss and turned to stare straight at the monster in her psyche. As it lunged for her, she put her arms in front of her face defensively, but the hit never came. Slowly, she opened her eyes to see the beast frozen mid-strike, its fangs extended only a foot away from her. When Anko turned around again, she saw that Kakashi had stopped it with his Sharingan. Her jaw went slack with disbelief.

"H-how…?"

"I don't know, but I can't hold it for long," he replied, his voice strained. "This is what's protecting the barrier?"

"Yeah."

He grunted. "It's taking everything I have just to stop it. I can't even try to break the jutsu."

Another hiss sounded from behind Kakashi. Anko jumped with a cry of surprise, but before the snake could land its attack, she found herself pulled from world of her psyche until she was once again sitting in the round, blue room. As the figure in front of her came back into focus, she saw him close his eyes as his chest rose and fell with shallow breaths.

He inhaled deeply to steady his breathing. "I apologize. I tried, but my skill with the Sharingan is limited, as is my visual stamina. I'm afraid I can't even attempt to break it."

"I understand," said the Hokage. "Thank you for trying."

Anko watched Kakashi replace his mask, wanting desperately to see those eyes up close one more time. As he moved away from her, she mourned the loss of proximity and the warmth that had come with it. She placed her hands on her arms, suddenly feeling cold and empty while he went to stand beside the Hokage.

Whatever words were exchanged from then on, Anko did not hear them. She was too tired mentally, and the only thing she could focus on was _him_. When he left the room altogether, she let chin drop to her chest and her eyes fall closed.

"Lady Tsunade, I want you to continue researching advanced genjutsu and ways to get around it. To be honest, I highly doubt you will find anything useful, but we have to try our best nonetheless."

"Of course."

The Hokage dismissed Tsunade and the other ANBU agents before Anko felt his hands on her shoulders several seconds later.

"That's enough for today. Let's get you home."

She allowed him to help her to her feet and lead her from the room and down the darkened hallways. As they walked, he explained where they now stood.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but I'm afraid we just can't break the genjutsu to unlock your memories. Because of that fact, there is no sense in putting you through this again until we have found an answer to this puzzling riddle. Thus, no more attempts at it will be made any time soon."

She understood, and she was grateful for his kindness and his mercy, but still, the frustration gnawed at her, even with as tired as she was at that moment.

"Yes, Lord Hokage…"

The sunlight hurt her eyes and brought about a minor headache, but she trudged on beside him. However, once her brain caught on to where he was taking her, she stopped.

"Is something wrong, Anko?"

She hesitated before got the nerve to speak up. "Lord Hokage, please don't take me home."

"Why not?"

"I-I…" Her weariness, her headache, that feeling of emptiness that had yet to leave her, and now the pain of remembering her parents—it was too much to bear, and she fought back the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes. "I haven't been able to…"

He squeezed her shoulder as he exhaled, his eyes even softer now. "I'm sorry, Anko. Forgive me, I should have realized that returning home would be difficult for you."

"It's alright."

After telling him where she had been staying, they continued on until they reached the home of Ibiki and his brother Idate. Neither one was home, so the Third Hokage escorted her inside and saw to it that she was able to lie down and rest.

"Just take it easy now."

He sat with her until she fell asleep on the sofa. He would have stayed with her longer, but he had other matters to attend to. She would be okay by herself for a little while.

Upon returning to his residence, he summoned his top ANBU agent and assigned him to keep an eye on the girl until her friends returned home. Without a word, the boy in the dog mask left to take up his post.

X-X-X

 _She ran and ran, her feet pounding on the forest floor, her breath coming in shallow pants and her chest burning as she tried to pull oxygen into her lungs. Her heart was beating rapidly, and so loudly that it thrummed in her ears. Her eyes were wide and darted this way and that, but she didn't want to look back. She knew they were chasing her—they were right on her heels._

 _She could hear the slithers; the hissing; the rattling; the insidious laughter. She couldn't turn around, but she wasn't sure how long she could keep running and running and running—_

 _She tripped over a crack in the earth, landing so hard that whatever air she had left in her body was pushed out of her. Unable to think of anything but painful death that awaited her, she covered her head, wishing that the end would be swift as the sounds grow louder; closer._

 _The hisses stopped; the rattles stopped; the laughter was cut short. Slowly, she opened her eyes and saw someone standing between her and the venomous white snakes with gold, glowing eyes. They were frozen in place, mouths agape, fangs dripping their deadly poison._

 _The high-pitched chirping echoed in her ears as her eyes locked onto the blue lightning in the palm of her savior's hand. He leapt for the snakes, and with one swipe of his Lightning Blade, their heads were severed from their bodies. Falling limp onto the ground, their heads and bodies quickly began to decay, fading into dust._

 _He turned his head, and his bright red iris flashed. She lost herself in that eye as it whirred and spun, faster and faster, until he disappeared._

' _Wait,' she thought as she tried to push herself up to go after him. 'Come back! Come back!"_

' _Come back…'_

Anko fought to stay asleep, but the real world tugged at her consciousness, and she groaned as she stirred from her place on the couch.

"Hey Ponytail," came the familiar gruff voice of her closest friend.

She opened her eyes and forced herself to sit up. "Ibiki…?"

He sat on the coffee table facing her, a look of concern etched in his features.

"Yeah, it's me. You alright?"

"I…think so." She looked around at the dim room, trying to remember how she'd gotten there.

"I thought you were just taking a nap, until I saw this," he said pulling a note from his pocket. "It's from the Hokage, explaining where you were, and that you needed to rest. It had me worried."

The confession was not easy for him, and she appreciated his honesty. "Sorry… I had to try."

He sighed, his forearms resting on his open legs. "I know. But I was thinking…maybe you need to let it go for a while."

"Wish granted," she said sadly. "They can't break it. Not right now at least. It will be a long time before they can even try again. Lord Hokage's orders."

Ibiki rubbed the back of his neck, not sure what to say.

"You don't have to say anything," she said knowingly as she pushed off the blankets and swung her legs from the sofa. "It can't be helped."

"Yeah, but I know how much it means to you—getting your memory back."

"Hey, I'm just glad I have you Ibiki. Thanks for watching over me."

She smiled at him with sincerity, but it didn't touch her eyes, telling him that she was still upset nonetheless. Still having nothing to say to make the situation any better, he simply replied, "No problem, kid."

X-X-X

Anko stood on the bridge overlooking the river, gazing down at her reflection as it stared back at her with disappointment. Her memories would not be recovered any time soon, leaving her feeling frustrated, lost, and trapped. Being manipulated by a man she had trusted was bad enough, but it seemed that he would continue to haunt her and control her just by preventing her from fully separating herself from him. His shadow would follow her as long as that part of her history remained a dark, empty mystery.

"So you really don't remember anything," came a quiet voice from behind her.

 _Kakashi._

"No," she said flatly, still gazing down at the water below. "Not a thing. I have no memory of my time away from the village, and he wiped many of my memories from my time _inside_ the village, too." Which meant she was an idiot even before he'd somehow tricked her into leaving with him.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry…"

She didn't reply. He moved up to stand next to her, studying her before he looked down the river. For a moment, the two of them were lost in their own thoughts before Kakashi spoke again.

He sighed and closed his eyes. "Maybe you're better off not knowing," he said, his words reflecting his desire to be free of his own memories, which haunted him day and night.

"No," Anko nearly growled, her lips turning downward and her eyes hardening as she clenched her fists where they rested on top of the railing.

He turned his head abruptly, taken aback by her tone.

"I _have_ to know. Good or bad, those memories are mine, and he took them from me. If I want to be free from Orochimaru, I need to face my mistakes and own up to them. I can't do that if I don't know what mistakes I made. Whatever they are, I won't let them define me; I'll rise above them, and I'll take my life back from Orochimaru. I'll show this village and everyone in it that I'm _not_ his puppet." She met his gaze for the first time, looking directly into his grey eye with a challenge in her expression. "It isn't our mistakes that make us who we are; it's what we choose to do about them."

Anko pushed away from the railing and began to walk away from him. After a moment's hesitation, he followed her.

"You're definitely an interesting one, I'll give you that…" he said thoughtfully.

"Not really. Everyone has a story. It's just up to us to write it—otherwise someone else will. I don't know about you, but I want to control my future. I don't want someone else to control it for me."

"I understand what you're saying. But for what it's worth, I don't think you need those memories to move forward. It seems like you're doing a good job without them."

Anko looked sideways at him. He sounded sincere, but he also sounded almost envious. Since she was on his left side, she couldn't glean any hints from his right eye to figure out whether she'd heard him correctly.

"Thank you," she murmured. Then she stopped, and he followed suit. "By the way… You know the village is wrong about you too…don't you?"

Even without seeing the visible portion of his face, she could sense the dark cloud that quickly surrounded him again at her words. Now it was his turn to clench his fists in a cold anger.

"No, they aren't," he said in a low, harsh voice.

Anko didn't bother trying to stop him as he left.

X-X-X

She was right about one thing: it was far better to remember your mistakes. For him, that meant remembering all the things he had yet to atone for. He also remembered the lessons he'd learned from them, lessons he vowed to carry with him until the end.

But she was wrong on another account. She was wrong about _him._ Whatever she thought she saw in him, she needed to take a closer look. The village had him pegged pretty well for the most part. He had let both of his teammates die. He had had been unable to assist his Sensei, the Fourth Hokage, who had also died. And his duties as an ANBU put him in the position of having to take the lives of those who had decided to become traitors to the village.

He was indeed 'Friend-Killer Kakashi' in more ways than one. Though he hadn't meant to let Obito and Rin lose their lives, he had done just that, and though he'd vowed never to let his comrades die, the irony of keeping most of them safe by killing a few did not escape him. Perhaps those around him exaggerated his reputation, but the base for it was not unfounded.

Maybe that girl could write a new story for herself, but he could not. Death surrounded him—followed him, plain and simple. From his father, to his teammates, to the countless lives he took for the sake of the village. That was his reputation, his legacy, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't escape it.

He wasn't good at much, but taking lives came almost too easy.

X-X-X

She happened upon him once more one afternoon as he kept his skills with blades and shurriken sharp. She had been walking back from her own solo training when she came across the solitary ANBU.

Anko told herself she should keep moving—should leave him alone—but she found it hard to take her eyes off of him. She didn't try to hide as she leaned against the trunk of a tree, watching him spin and aim, hitting target after target with hardly any effort. His motions were lithe and fluid, and his feet were almost silent as he seemed to dance upon the grass beneath him.

A small change in his body language told her he was aware of her presence, but unlike the last time he'd caught her watching him, he didn't disappear. Instead, he permitted her curiosity while at the same time, he pointedly threw a shurriken so that it pierced the bark of the tree beside her; a reminder that he wasn't whatever she thought he was. He was dangerous.

He sighed when she didn't take the hint, and carried on. One way or another, she would learn that it was best to keep her distance, but for now, he saw no need to concern himself with her.

X-X-X

So perhaps Anko didn't actively seek him out, but she did make it a point to train near his usual spots. He fascinated her. He drew her to him for reasons she was only beginning to understand.

They were more alike than different, no matter how much he tried to pretend otherwise, and while he had seen something worthwhile in her, he couldn't see the same thing in himself. But she saw the good in him, and she wanted him to see it, too. The problem was, she didn't know how to open his eyes to the truth when clearly what he saw in the mirror every day was an omen of death. Was it really any wonder that he pushed people away?

Beyond simple curiosity and a desire to get Kakashi to see the light within all that darkness, Anko had become aware of another reason for wanting to be near him—one that at first she loathed to admit.

She had very much become attracted to this mysterious boy. He was a beautiful, gentle, chaotic disaster… But he wouldn't let her anywhere near him. All she could do was admire him from afar and hold onto that memory of those mismatched eyes, so full of a kind and calming reassurance that had captured her imagination.

They hadn't been cold then. They had been warm. They had conveyed a gentle trustworthiness, and she hadn't felt timid, angry, or afraid. She had felt safe, and as he'd stopped that great white snake that had threatened to destroy her from the inside, she became immediately aware that Kakashi would do whatever it took to protect her.

That's what the ANBU was, wasn't it? It was a silent protector with a dark underbelly, and each agent sacrificed their innocence and their place within the light to keep the village safe from the darkest of shadows.

This revelation pained Anko. It seemed so unfair that such a good soul like Kakashi's had to be hidden away, forced to suffer in that unrelenting anguish, especially when he had yet to resolve the trauma of the loss of his teammates and his part in their deaths.

The day came when Anko was too antsy to simply watch him. They hadn't spoken in weeks since Kakashi had silently conceded to allowing her to occupy the sanctity of his solitary training ground. For a while, she had been content with being even that close, but she could only take so much silence, and the distance between them felt as if it was growing rather than shrinking.

Stepping out from the trees, Anko took a bold leap of faith as she stood several paces behind him.

With a heavy sigh, he turned toward her, the breeze catching in his silver hair and the sun shimmering on the surface of his Sharingan. Beneath that light, she could see the darkness in its depths.

"What do you want now?" he asked, sounding tired.

"I thought you might actually want someone to practice with," she said offhandedly. "So how about it?"

He lowered his eyelids. "No thanks."

Unfazed, Anko crossed her arms and smirked. "What's wrong? Afraid I'll kick your butt?"

Kakashi's eyebrows rose. "If that was supposed to be a joke, it…wasn't a very good one…"

Anko's grin faded into an exasperated frown. "Look, I want to spar with you, so let's go."

He looked at her like she was crazy. "Why would you want to do that?"

She shrugged. "Why not?"

Kakashi suddenly looked agitated. "Haven't you been paying attention? To anything? At all?"

"Yeah. And?"

"I would have thought you'd have gotten the hint to stay away from me."

"Oh give it a rest already. You're not going to hurt me any more than I'm going to hurt you."

"Are you sure about that?" he challenged.

"Don't. Underestimate me," she said, a hard look in her eyes.

Kakashi studied her before he spoke again. "I guess you have to be pretty good if Orochimaru thought you were worth his time and energy."

"So? Are we going to do this or what?"

He hesitated, reluctant to agree even to a friendly sparring match. He didn't want to invite trouble, but…

Anko was tired of waiting for an answer. She drew a handful of shurriken from her hip pouch and aimed them in his direction.

His eyes widened in surprise, and he jumped out of the way to avoid them. "What are you doing?"

"Did I forget to mention that Anko Mitarashi doesn't take no for an answer? She's also not very patient," she said, drawing a kunai knife and charging after him.

With a swiftness that she had come to expect from Kakashi, he drew a kunai of his own, twirling it around his finger as he did so in plenty of time to parry her attacks.

"You're just asking for trouble, you know that?"

"What's life without a little trouble?"

"You're insane!"

"Maybe. But a little crazy never hurt anyone."

He blocked her next strike, and she ducked beneath his arm, kicking one leg up to clip the underside of his wrist and causing him to lose his hold on his weapon. As that foot fell, she raised her other leg to side swipe him in the ribs.

He sprawled sideways, but caught himself, quickly regaining his balance and his concentration as he worked to block the flurry of kicks and punches she threw at him. It occurred to him then that while she'd been watching him for weeks, he didn't know a thing about her fighting style. She was fast, flexible, and relentless. Maybe he _had_ underestimated her.

Still, he was an elite member of the ANBU for a reason. He managed to get behind her, and before she could spin around, he grabbed her by the arm and flung her away from him. She quickly regained her balance, turning and reengaging him. He leapt backward, on the run, but when Anko threw a few more shurriken, they hit their target, causing it to vanish into a puff of smoke.

Behind her, the real Kakashi came at her with the sword he'd pulled from the sheath on his back. Anko blocked it with her drawn kunai knife, but without a long blade like his, she was clearly at a disadvantage. Even so, her flexibility was unmatched, and he couldn't land a hit.

He didn't want to hurt her, but he wanted to show her that he was not a person she wanted to mess around with. Needless to say, he was impressed by her skill and amazed that she could avoid many of his attacks. His sword cut her arms and her torso, but jut barely, and not enough to deter her. He decided to swing for her legs, but she jumped it, and incredibly with a flip, her feet, charged with concentrated chakra, landed on top of his sword and snapped it in two.

Kakashi's eyes widened as she sprung from the snapped blade before it could even fall to the ground, her right foot aimed for his head. He dodged it by a hair, dropping the hilt of his sword and resorting again to hand-to-hand battle.

"I tried to tell you there was more to me than meets the eye," she said, but he landed a fist to her chest, sending her sprawling onto her back.

As Kakashi moved to stand over her to claim his victory, he had to quickly retreat when Anko performed a fire release technique that he had not anticipated. By the time the flames had cleared, Anko was no where in sight.

Had she abandoned the fight? No. She wouldn't. Focusing his senses without the use of his Sharingan, he was able to locate her through sound alone in the trees to his right. Seeing as how this girl was full of surprises, he decided to send a clone in first. Performing quick hand signs, he vanished.

Anko knew he would find her, and that was what she was counting on. This fight was proving to be pretty entertaining, but she wasn't about to lose. She had one more trick up her sleeve, quite literally, and with any luck, it would win the match for her.

She leaned up against a tree, facing in the direction opposite of Kakashi and waiting for his approach. Sure enough, as she glanced out between the leaves of the tall brush around the base of the tree, she saw him getting closer. Without revealing herself, she lifted her arm and aimed straight for him.

Kakashi glided through the branches, knowing he was drawing nearer and anticipating some sort of ambush. What he didn't expect was half a dozen snakes to fly in his direction, mouths open with merciless fangs. The clone was instantly destroyed, and as the original gained ground, all he could think of was that monstrosity inside the girl's mind.

' _Orochimaru.'_

Was this _his_ doing? Had their match been interrupted by the remnants of that monster? That hideous, pale face with the cold, dead eyes flashed in his mind, and he remembered how he had been paralyzed with fear, unable to stop the rogue ninja from escaping more than a year ago.

' _Not this time. You won't hurt her. I won't let you!'_

Setting his jaw and pushing up his headband, he focused his Sharingan on the snakes.

"Chidori!"

But as he aimed for the beasts, they retreated.

"Oh no you don't!"

He would not let them escape. Putting more power behind his advances, he sped up his assault, his Lightning Blade ready to behead them.

Behind the snakes, the figure of the girl became visible. Kakashi was suddenly terror stricken.

' _No!'_

He tried to slow down, but he wasn't able to. Luckily Anko was fast enough to take action. She leapt back, not having expected his Lightning Style, and as Kakashi came closer, he dispersed his chakra altogether. He landed right where she had stood, as they stared into each other's eyes, they both knew that if it hadn't been for her speed and her quick reflexes, that might have been the end of her.

He stood there, shocked into immobility, his arm remaining outstretched as if the Lighting were still in his palm.

She saw it in those eyes; the fear, the horror, the pain. The mental image of a girl impaled on his arm flashed through her mind again. She felt the ache in his heart as if it were her own.

In that moment, he was just a child, frightened, hurt, and confused. Anko's mouth turned down as she watched the tragic emotions play across the visible portions of his face, not sure what to do about them.

The silence conveyed a chilling deadness that ate away the passing seconds, and Anko was afraid to break the fragile moment.

"K-Kakashi…?"

In his head, he could hear her. He could hear Rin.

" _Kakashi… Kakashi… Kakashi!"_

Unable to remain standing a moment longer, he fell to his hands and knees, feeling as though the air had been sucked from his lungs. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think—all he could hear were her screams.

His reaction scared Anko, but she couldn't remain frozen in place. She wanted to help him, to reassure him that everything was alright. Cautiously, he stepped toward him and said his name again.

"Kakashi…?"

She slowly crouched in front of him as she watched his body shake and listened to his shallow breaths. She reached out a hand to him, but when he saw it, he smacked it away. Anko inhaled sharply in surprise.

"Get away from me!" he shouted.

"I…I'm sorry. I can help—"

"No!" he said, staggering to his feet and backing away from her. Anko got to her feet as well.

She saw the change in his eyes as they morphed from afraid and vulnerable to cold and guarded. He managed to regain his composure as he fixed her with a chilling glare.

"Just stay away from me."

Anko felt his words hit her right in the chest, and she stood there frozen as she watched him turn and walk away from her.

 **A/N:** I was thinking that Kakashi is pretty similar to Wolverine at this time in his life, with a very similar view of himself: He's good at what he does, but what he does isn't very nice.


	5. Chapter 5: Rift

**A/N:** In response to a guest review, this story will go up until the time when Kakashi meets Team 7. I could end it there, or… I could continue it for a few more chapters. I haven't decided yet. If I continue on past that point, the rating of this story would most likely change at the end (since I already have something written for the end). But again, I'm still debating. If people are absolutely opposed to a rating change, I can make a mini sequel instead. I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

 _Chapter Five: Rift_

Days went by, and Anko saw nothing of the elusive ANBU with the Sharingan. It appeared as though he didn't want to be found, and Anko could understand why. She had only wanted to reach out to him, but somehow, her attempts had only made things worse for Kakashi.

What she didn't understand was why. Yes, she had pushed him into sparring with her, but what had made him decide to use his Lightning Blade? He obviously hadn't meant to use it on her. Had she done something that had triggered his reflex to kill?

She wasn't afraid of Kakashi. However, the terror that had been reflected in his eyes as he stood there, arm outstretched as he realized what he could have done, still haunted her. A glimpse of a fragile soul. One more crack had been added to the constellation of his broken innocence. She wondered again how such a beautiful person had been turned into a trained assassin.

As observant as he was, Ibiki quickly picked up on the change in Anko's behavior as she became less talkative and more withdrawn, lost in her own thoughts. He didn't prod into her business, figuring it had something to do with her parents. If she wanted to talk to him about it, then she would. Otherwise, he would keep his curiosity to himself.

Kurenai also noticed, but unlike Ibiki, her hunch about what was bothering the younger girl was more accurate. Still, she didn't pry either. She simply kept her mouth shut, knowing that no words would help.

After about a week or so, Kakashi began to reappear with some regularity, and Anko wasn't sure if he had been on a mission, or if he had been actively hiding himself from the eyes of others for a while. She saw him again at the cemetery, but as she tried to catch his attention and to apologize for the incident at the training grounds, he walked away without even acknowledging her presence with the barest of glances—and none too slowly either.

Each time she passed him, his response was the same, until one day they were walking toward one another on a crowded village street. He was looking upward, but when Anko caught sight of Kakashi, she had eyes only for him. By the time he dropped his gaze, they were standing face-to-face.

"Kakashi—"

The cold glare in his coal grey eye cut her off. He took a few steps back, then turned to go down a different road altogether.

Another cut to add to her injuries. First she was the fool, too naïve to see that she was being used by Orochimaru. Then she was the pariah, seen as a psychotic freak that took after her former Sensei. Now she was a bad omen and a bad memory to the kindred spirit.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't her fault. She hadn't meant to hurt him further, and all she had wanted to do since then was apologize and try to understand. But he wanted nothing to do with her, and soon her anger at him resurfaced, driven by resentment at the way he was treating her—as if she had set out to give him one more scar, one more wound.

She sat in the back of the dango shop with Kurenai and Asuma as the guys chatted about missions and such. Guy, as usual, was relaying some epic tale, moving every part of his body as he gestured widely to convey the grandness of his latest adventure. When he finished, he happened to turn and see his eternal rival, passing the shop as he typically did that time of day. Guy called out to him, and Kakashi glanced at the shop only to avert his eyes a fraction of a second later as he kept moving.

"Back to ignoring me again, huh?" Guy huffed in agitation, crossing his arms.

Anko, who hadn't ordered anything (which was unusual), dropped her eyes to the table, one hand lying on its surface while she leaned her head in the palm of the other.

"I don't think he's ignoring _you_ , Guy," she said flatly.

Kurenai had hardly taken her eyes from Anko the entire time they'd been at the shop, but she still kept quiet. Asuma looked at Anko.

"What, did something happen between the two of you?" he asked.

"Yeah, what did you do to the poor guy?" asked Genma. Raido elbowed his friend. "Ow, I mean uh… did he say something to you?"

Anko said nothing, turning her head away from them. The boys looked at each other and shrugged.

As they often did, Anko and Kurenai walked home from the shop together. They hardly spoke, Kurenai respecting Anko's need for silence, but at one point she couldn't help but point out the obvious, concern in her voice.

"Something did happen between you two, didn't it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

The older girl sighed and kept her sights on the street ahead. "I warned you not to get attached to him…"

"Yeah, well… I guess I'm just an idiot like that."

"Mitarashi!"

Their attention shifted to the two guys, Ibiki and Hayate, who now approached them.

"Yeah, what's up?" she said to Ibiki.

"The Hokage sent for us. Must be a mission."

She looked at the two of them, Hayate giving her a slight nod in greeting. "Why the three of us? Where's Tokara?"

"Heck if I know. Do I look like the Hokage to you?"

"Hey, it's a distraction, right?" said Kurenai. "Maybe you need a good mission to take your mind off things."

Anko nodded, then moved past the boys. They watched her for a moment, Ibiki wondering what had gotten into her lately.

"If we've got a mission, then let's go already," she snapped without slowing down.

"She hasn't changed a bit, has she?" asked Hayate."

"Not at all," said Ibiki.

Bidding a polite, but silent goodbye to Kurenai, the boys followed their teammate.

Missions didn't really help all that much. They did serve to temporarily take Anko's mind off of this situation with Kakashi, but inevitably her thoughts would return to him. She wished she could forget him and move on; Kurenai had been right all along. Unfortunately, forgetting him was impossible, and her anger at him became anger at herself. He clearly wanted her to leave him alone, so why should she even concern herself with him?

One night, Anko sat up on the roof to escape an argument between Idate and Ibiki. Not long after the fight had ended, Ibiki found her and sat beside her.

She didn't have to ask what the argument had been about. She knew. It was always the same. Perhaps Ibiki was too tough on his younger brother—too much like their parents—but he had a point; Idate needed to stop being so sensitive if he wanted to be a shinobi. He needed to grow up. He was going to graduate from the Academy soon, and he would have to sink or swim—pass or get sent back to the classroom.

While she didn't ask after the fight, Ibiki surprised her by revealing his own growing concerns.

"I don't know what's going on with you lately, but you haven't been right. So what is it?"

"It's nothing," she said coldly. She'd been like that for weeks.

He'd known Anko to be tough, to be thick-skinned. He'd known her to have a passionate temper, but he'd never known her to simmer in cold anger. That's how she seemed to him. Cold and angry. It disturbed Ibiki to see her that way.

"Right. So you're just moody for the hell of it."

"Look, I don't want to talk about it, and you probably don't want to hear about it, so just drop it."

He didn't flinch at her tone. Instead he asked, "Does this have to do with your parents?"

"No."

He looked out across the lights of the village, and in an attempt to provoke some sort of normal reaction from her, he said, "Is this about your boyfriend?"

Anko glared at him.

"Hey, I'm just asking. Something's wrong. This isn't you."

"For now it is. I'm just mad at myself, are you satisfied?"

"Not really."

"I don't know why I'm such an idiot… I try to make things better, but they only get worse—for myself and for others."

"Ah, that's not true. Sitting here with you, even though you're all moody, is better than fighting with Idate."

Anko closed her eyes and seemed to deflate a little. "You shouldn't say that. Don't take your family for granted, trust me. If you push him too far, he might not come back."

Ibiki said nothing as he continued to gaze out at the lighted village. She was right of course. He hadn't asked to step up into the role of a parent, but he'd had no choice in the matter. Still, his brother was the only family he had left, and as difficult as it was to remember at times, he did love Idate.

Recognizing that Anko's words held more than one meaning, he looked back at her. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?"

"Yeah, I know that."

"Whatever's eatin' you, Ponytail, don't let it. You're too tough for that."

She didn't feel tough as of late. Just as Anko thought she'd bounced back from sadness, heartache, and despair, she was knocked into it again. She wished she'd never met Kakashi—had never even seen him—because even the memory of him hurt. And with every secret dream he invaded, his rejection of her in reality became that much harder to handle.

She hated herself for pushing him, and she hated Kakashi for dismissing her for her mistake. Then she hated herself for not hating Kakashi enough to throw her hands up and forget him. That, in turn, added fuel to the fire of her anger at Kakashi for occupying her thoughts so much.

She tried to let him go, but she couldn't. There was still something there that she needed to hang on to. She refused to believe that she had been wrong about him, and she refused to believe that he was a lost cause. She also refused to believe that his apparent hatred of her was anything more than a reaction to his traumatic experiences—trauma that she had evidently further ingrained in him.

Ibiki stood, and Anko looked up at him.

"Trust your gut," he said firmly. "You've learned from your mistakes, and you'll continue to learn from them. But you're no idiot. I trust you'll figure it out."

He jumped down to the open window he'd come from, his coat floating behind him like a dark specter. Anko stared after him for a long time, wondering how Ibiki could have so much confidence in her when lately she had so little in herself.

Her frustration only continued to grow, but eventually she reached a point where she decided she would no longer feel sorry for herself. She would no longer play this game of self-loathing. Kakashi's coldness had infected her. It had tainted her outlook on him, on herself, and on the world. It was dragging her down, the same as it was dragging Kakashi down.

But she didn't want or need to be cold. She didn't need to be angry. She didn't need to hate herself or him or anyone else. She had seen a piece of his world, and in doing so, she had come to a deeper empathic understanding of the boy that hid behind a mask.

Rather than picking up bad habits from Kakashi, Anko decided that she would instead direct her energy toward showing him that he had a choice to live in the past or to move on from it. She also wanted him to know that he couldn't bully those who truly cared about his wellbeing into abandoning him.

They met again, face-to-face on one of Konoha's busy streets. This time, when Kakashi caught sight of her, Anko looked him straight in the eye, challenging him not to turn around and go the other way like a coward. She stood her ground as he stopped and stared at her, contemplating his options.

Anko stared him down, daring him to face her. She watched the expression in his grey eye turn from a mask of forced apathy to one of agitation and annoyance. His brow lowered in a glare. Anko didn't budge.

She felt a spark of triumph when instead of finding a route around her, he walked toward her. Their eyes were still locked in a battle of wills until he finally passed her.

Anko turned her head to follow him with her eyes, satisfied that she had at least forced him to acknowledge and confront her on some level.

When next she saw Kakashi, he was leaving the Memorial Stone. He saw her, met her gaze with a hard glare, and continued on his way. That day, she wasn't about to let him off so easily. They were the only ones around, and she was ready to resolve the rift between them once and for all.

Spinning on her heel, she followed him along the path through the trees back toward town. Keeping up with his strangely brisk pace, she spoke up at last.

"You can't run from me forever."

"Who says I'm running?"

"You're not facing me like a man!"

He stopped. "I thought I told you to leave me alone."

"Well I'm not going to, so tough!"

He spun to face her. "What's your problem?"

"What's _your_ problem?" she shouted in his face.

"Heh, right now _my_ problem is _you._ Can't you take a hint?"

"I guess I can't."

"What do you want from me?" he demanded.

"I _want_ to apologize, but _you_ won't let me!"

"I don't want an apology; I want you to mind your own business and get the hell away from me!"

"Would you give it a rest?" she nearly screamed. "Open your eyes! You're not the only one who's hurting!"

He blinked back at her in surprise, the anger momentarily wiped from his face. She was trying to keep her tough demeanor in place, but he could see her fighting back tears. He looked away. He didn't know all the pain she had to endure, but he was ashamed that he had apparently hurt her while he had tried to save both of them from himself.

"I'm sorry," he said, the words sounding bitter, but sincere. "I think I've given you enough reasons to figure out why it's best to steer clear of me."

On the contrary, he'd just given her another reason to stay.

He looked back at her, his hard expression returning. "I accept your apology, ok? Now can you go? Please?"

"No."

Kakashi clenched his fists at his sides. "Why not? What's wrong with you?"

"I know why you're mad at yourself. I know why you're afraid of hurting people—of hurting me. I understand."

"Then why won't you do me a huge favor and get lost?" he said, trying to sound angry, but instead sounding desperate.

She took a step toward him, and then another, reaching out her hand. Kakashi stepped back, looking at her in alarm. Meeting her light brown eyes, he saw a gentleness in their depths that he wasn't used to, but he also saw that she was challenging him again.

He wanted to retreat further, but he couldn't. Her eyes wouldn't let him. He stood there, frozen as she placed her hand over his heart.

"Because whether you believe it or not, you're worth fighting for, and no one wants to be alone."

"I almost killed you," he said in what sounded like a plea, frightened by her gentle touch, but unable to run away from it.

Anko dropped her hand. "Why?" she asked. She shook her head in confusion, still not knowing what had triggered him to use his Lightning Blade in the first place. "You didn't want to kill me. Why did you use it…?"

He relaxed, though only a little, when she removed her hand from him. He supposed she at least deserved an answer to that question.

"The first time I learned anything about you, I tried to break Orochimaru's genjutsu."

She remembered the giant white snake that lay within her psyche, protecting the mental barrier, and how he had stopped it from attacking them both. At last, she understood. Her eyes softened.

"You thought…"

"It doesn't matter what I thought," he said bitterly. "I was wrong."

Struck by his confession, her mind connecting the pieces, she let him turn and walk away from her yet again. Once he was gone, she ducked her head as it sunk in that Orochimaru had managed to deal another blow, to her and to Kakashi. His legacy would always follow her, the shadow of a monster living within her.

She headed back in the direction from which Kakashi had originally come, passing the Memorial Stone that sat within the Third Training Ground. Kneeling in the middle of the clearing, she looked down at her open hand. Her Shadow Snakes appeared, but instead of stretching, they slithered out onto the grass as she lowered her arm. They tasted the air with their tongues and sensed no danger. Then they looked back at her in confusion.

Biting her thumb, she laid her palm against the ground to summon her small blue snake, who stared back at her, just as confused as its friends.

Anko took in each of their reptilian faces, trying to see them as others likely did. She had never thought of her snakes as bad. They were her partners. It was Orochimaru who had perverted them, adopting them as the symbol of his warped mind and hunger for power.

Most people were afraid of snakes to begin with, but he had further tainted their reputation. She clutched at the snake fang pendant around her neck, remembering how Shito and Nuka had seemed to think she should have gotten rid of it. Did they think she should abandon her snakes too?

Should she? If they were going to hold her back and keep her tied to her former teacher, maybe she should let them go.

Roba, her blue snake, lowered his head in her direction. She returned to the present moment and looked into his yellow eyes. He appeared to be asking her what she needed him to do since she hadn't spoken to him.

He had been suspicious of her at first, unsure of whether she was worthy to take orders from at all. But the more she had trained with him, the more of his trust she earned. They had come to some silent agreement that they would grow together, and so they had, but they both still had much more growing to do. What would happen if she separated herself from him and her Shadow Snakes?

As if sensing her emotional distress, Roba moved his body around her, then used his head to push her backward so that she landed against him.

"Ah, hey!" she said in surprise before he touched her with his nose. Her other snakes came closer their much smaller snouts touching her hands and legs, looking to her for answers.

Anko glanced at each of them, their faces almost innocent despite the fact that they could and would kill if she needed them to.

She shook her head and hugged Roba's nose. She couldn't abandon them, not when they had been so good to her and had her back during her toughest battles.

Just because Kakashi's Lightning Blade made him dangerous, it didn't mean he was better off without it, and it didn't mean that he should suffer because of it. Likewise, Anko's snakes were a part of her. Perhaps their presence was sure to cause some problems, but she couldn't—or rather shouldn't get rid of them.

Anko couldn't escape her past, and she didn't need to. Hadn't she told Kakashi she wanted to remember it so that she could embrace it and own it? So that she could fully move on with her life?

"That's it, Roba," she said, getting to her feet. "No more second-guessing myself. I want Kakashi to see that he can choose who he is, and that his past and his mistakes don't have to define him. If I ever hope to convince him of that, I should lead by example, right?"

He looked back at her before his gaze shifted to something behind her. Anko turned, not having expected Kurenai to be there.

"That certainly explains something," said the older girl as she carefully approached Anko and her snake summons. "You're not going to heed my warning at all are you?"

Anko lowered her hand, and her Shadow Snakes returned from whence they'd come.

"I can't say I've ever been good at taking advice," she admitted as she stood straight again. Roba's head hung just behind her, and she wondered what Kurenai thought of her companion.

"But you sure like to give it, don't you?"

"You and Guy and the others—you aren't giving up on him either," she pointed out.

Kurenai gave a small smile. "No, I guess not. It's just that…there's nothing any of us can say to him that seems to make a difference. You, on the other hand, seem rather persistent. Perhaps you can do something for him that the rest of us can't."

Taken aback by that statement, Anko asked, "Why? What makes you say that?"

"I just passed him on my way here, and he looked a little shook up."

"And…that's a good thing?"

"It's better than that coldness…"

Anko couldn't refute that.

Kurenai looked to Roba, who still regarded her with suspicion. "You know, for such a passionate person, it seems strange that you'd have such cold-blooded creatures at your side."

"Cold-blooded doesn't mean cold-hearted," said Anko, placing her hand on Roba's snout. "I know how it must look, but—"

"You don't have to explain. I know you well enough to know you're nothing like him. In the same way that I know Kakashi isn't a cold-blooded killer. Despite what anyone else may think about the two of you, I'm well aware that you're both good, kind, compassionate people."

"Thank you," said Anko. Her face flushed in embarrassment. "Hey, I…I'm sorry I've been so weird lately."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you've snapped out of it!"

"Yeah, me too."

"So… What are you going to do now?" asked Kurenai.

Anko thought a moment, looking down the path into the forest. "I'm going to do just what I said. I'm going to lead by example."

"And the next time you see him?"

"I think I've pushed him enough for now. If he wants space, I'll give it to him. But I can't stay away from him." The distance hurt too much.

"I understand."

"What, no more warnings?" asked Anko with a teasing smile.

"What good would another warning do? You already said you don't take advice very well."

"What can I say? I follow my gut more than anything," she replied, finding it ironic that she was remembering Ibiki's advice—or rather, his reminder that following her gut was what she typically did.

"Then I guess all I have to say is, good luck."

She could tell that Kurenai didn't quite understand the reasons for her continued persistence. It was likely that she saw Anko's efforts as simply a manifestation of some obsessive infatuation. While Anko couldn't deny all the crazy feelings she had for Kakashi, she was becoming more and more aware that he had become her motivation, her reason to keep going even with all that she'd lost.

Ibiki and Kurenai were her friends, her support system, but Kakashi was her drive. He was teaching her things about herself, and she wanted to help him reach his own insights—to lift him up to a higher plane where he could see the beauty deep inside that he had become blind to. That was what she strived for each and every day, and he didn't even know it.

The memory of looking deep into his Sharingan and catching a glimpse of the boy behind the mask came back to her.

Opening his eyes would not be quick, nor would it be easy. It would take time, but Anko could be patient. She would _learn_ to be patient. For him. For Kakashi. He was worth the time and the effort.

Yes, she would give him his space, but she would never be far. If he needed a little nudge, a little spark of clarity, she would be there to give it. Despite all of his insistence, she refused to leave him alone in the dark.

 **A/N:** Man, I keep getting so emotional while writing this that I start crying! I need to get a life… Haha. Another shorter chapter, but there will be a time jump in the next one, so I had to end it here.


	6. Chapter 6: The Hideout

**A/N:** Hey all! Sorry about the long wait. Writer's block, school, and distractions… I finished up the semester, took a 10 day trip to Czech Republic and Poland, came back, moved into my new apartment, and started my internship. It's been a whirlwind! I guess the time jump here is fitting since you've had to wait so long!

Before you begin reading this chapter, a heads up that with this time jump, Anko is 15, Kakashi 17, and Ibiki 18. Again, Guy, Kurenai, and the others are roughly the same age as Kakashi. Just so you know where we are.

I also want to say that I happened upon this fan drawing of Anko, and I keep envisioning her wearing this awesome outfit during her older teenage years. I didn't draw it, but I love it!

pierreandroxel. deviantart art/Anko-Mitarashi-new-costume-366208733

(Remove spaces)

Enjoy!

 _Chapter Six: The Hideout_

 _Two Years Later_

Inside the sweet shop, Kurenai sat watching Genma and Raido as they worked together to create a house of cards. The day had been rather slow, and they had decided on a game to pass the time. Genma picked up another card, eying up the tower before picking a place to put it. Carefully, he reached out to place it just so, holding his breath to keep from knocking over their masterpiece.

There.

"Hey guys! What'cha doin'!?" exclaimed Anko, pushing past the shop banners and slamming her hands on the table, causing their carefully crafted house of cards to collapse, their jaws dropping nearly to the floor.

Noticing her mistake, she quickly lifted her hands in a defense, sputtering an apology. "Woops! Sorry! My bad!"

"What did you do that for!?" shouted Genma.

"It took us forever!" said Raido. "You ruined it!"

Anko crossed her arms and shrugged. "Hey, I said I was sorry, what more do you want?"

"For you to go away," muttered Genma.

She grinned and walked past them, unfazed. "Pft. Hate to tell you this, but I don't plan on going anywhere."

"Man, it was so close to being perfect…"

"Geez, and they say girls are drama queens, am I right?" she laughed, sitting sideways on the bench across from Kurenai, one leg over the other and her elbow resting on the table.

Kurenai was trying to stifle her own giggles, covering her mouth with her hand, but her smile could be seen around it. "It's good to see you Anko. How was your trip to the Hidden Rain?"

"Oh, you know. Dark. Wet. Rainy. Dreary. I'm glad to be back in the village."

"Can't you go back to the Hidden Rain?" said Genma. "It was nice and quiet while you were gone." He gave a melancholy sigh. "Ah, I miss those days…"

"Tell me about it," said Raido.

"You guys are terrible," said Kurenai.

Anko merely grinned. "Ah, anytime I annoy them, it's a good day!" She briefly glanced around the shop. "Hey, where's Asuma?"

"He's helping his brother and sister-in-law move into their new house."

"Huh. Sounds boring."

"I don't think he minds."

"Hey, look who's back!" shouted Guy as he entered the shop. "It's been a while!"

"See, someone else is happy to see me!" she said to the other two boys.

"Yeah, but it's Guy, so that's not saying much," said Raido. "Come to think of it, I'm not sure if he's ever _not_ happy to see people. Guess beggars can't be choosers."

Genma laughed.

Guy also laughed, taking no offense to his teammate's joke. "Ah, what can I say? I love everybody!" he said, taking the seat beside Anko.

"And for some reason, we love you too, Guy," said Kurenai.

"Yeah, 'for some reason,'" agreed Anko.

As Guy launched into a diatribe, describing his day of nonstop training (which would have exhausted any normal person), Anko half-listened as she ordered her favorite dangos and indulged in the delicious snack. He was still going strong when she'd finished the last of them, and when she glanced up from the table, her eyes were drawn to the familiar flash of silver hair that walked in front of the shop.

They narrowed in contemplation when she noticed that he was not alone. A girl in ANBU gear with long, violet hair walked beside him, a small smile on her face as she said something Anko couldn't hear.

"Hey, who's that?" she asked, inadvertently interrupting Guy's story.

They all searched for what had captured her attention and saw the pair of ANBU.

"I don't know," said Kurenai. "I've never seen her before."

"Didn't you hear?" said Guy. "Kakashi was promoted to Captain."

"So she's his subordinate?" asked Raido.

"Most likely," said Genma.

Anko might not admit it out loud, but there was no reason to hide her own envy from herself. There was nothing in Kakashi's expression that indicated much interest in this girl, whoever she was, but he didn't appear to be attempting to get rid of her. Of course, if she was his teammate, there was no reason for him to do so. Still, his tolerance of her mildly irked Anko.

She'd spent the last two years walking a fine line between giving Kakashi the space he wanted and needed, while simultaneously letting him know that she wasn't going anywhere. She hadn't tried to spar with him since that day that had nearly pushed him to rejecting her altogether. Rather, if she was near him at all in such a capacity, she would merely watch him from the trees as he trained. He always knew she was there, but he had given up trying to get her go away, opting to ignore her instead.

Occasionally they would see each other at the cemetery or at the Memorial Stone. They spoke very little, offering a few words to one another here and there. Sometimes she saw him in the Hokage's residence, but typically they each remained silent.

Kakashi appeared to prefer maintaining a silent, platonic relationship with her—a given, she supposed, considering he was a man of few words who always seemed to be stuck in his own head. Although the silence sometimes frustrated Anko, she was grateful that she had managed to forge some sort of connection between them, no matter how thin or tenuous it may have been.

She had resolved to learn patience, if for no other reason than to get closer to Kakashi and earn his trust. She'd learned her lesson about pushing him too far, which is why she was sure to keep a careful distance. She didn't think that Kakashi posed any sort of threat to her, but she was aware that he was still extremely fragile, as was the quiet, respectful connection between the two.

Yet even in all that time, she was still unable to simply walk and talk with him. She briefly wondered whether this new girl knew more about Kakashi than Anko did.

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more," she said as she stood from the table, drawing all eyes back to her. "But I can't stick around here all day. Things to do, you know?"

"Alright," said Kurenai, eying her suspiciously as she headed out of the shop. "See you around I guess."

"Yep. See you!" she grinned with a wave.

"What do you know? Peace at last," said Genma.

"Is it just me," said Guy, placing a contemplative finger to his chin. "Or does she always act a little funny every time Kakashi's around?"

The others stared at him in silence.

"Man, talk about slow," Raido muttered to Genma, who lifted an exasperated eyebrow.

Her eyes were trained on that silver hair some distance ahead of her as she absentmindedly fiddled with an empty dango stick. She wanted to see him, and to say hello, but she doubted he'd care that she was back in the village. Hell, it was even more likely that he hadn't even noticed her absence.

Anko had lived with the realization that Kakashi would never care for her the way she cared for him for so long that the pain of it had become a dull ache. At times, it still hurt if she thought about it too much, but she reminded herself that as long as he was okay, that was all that really mattered.

But then, how 'okay' was Kakashi really? At times he seemed stable enough and relatively well-adjusted. Then other times, he seemed even colder—more distant. Perhaps time truly did help to heal all wounds, but the cold callousness of the ANBU appeared to be counterproductive. Anko had no way to be sure, but it was almost as if he had numbed himself to his trauma by using his position within the ANBU to push away all thoughts of it.

A dangerous strategy. She feared his past would only come back to bite him later if he refused to deal with it head-on.

Then again, who was Anko to make such assumptions? Maybe he was dealing with the deaths of his teammates better than she thought.

Something in her gut told her she was right, though.

He was gone from her sight altogether, lost among the throngs of people. Like a phantom, he came and went, leaving her feeling a little colder.

Two others came into her line of sight, and she felt the fires of pride heat her again. It was Shito and Nuka, coming towards her as they chatted with one another. Anko didn't halt in her steps. She squared her shoulders and raised her chin as she drew nearer to them, and they to her.

When they at last realized that someone was in front of them, they stopped, and so did Anko. They looked at her warily, and still with some degree of suspicion, but they said nothing.

It had been more than two years since Anko had returned to the village, and her former teammates hadn't spoken to her at all after that initial confrontation. Now, her eyes challenged them, forcing the pair to look her straight in the face and acknowledge at least to themselves that she did belong in the Hidden Leaf, and that she was not insane or a traitor to the village.

The standoff lasted several seconds—seconds that ticked by rather slowly—and Anko could see a few stray beads of sweat roll down their temples as she shifted her gaze from one to the other.

She noted the flash of shame in their eyes before they looked sideways, unable to face their own misjudgment of her. They wouldn't apologize though, at least not at that point of time. Anko didn't need them to. The knowledge that she had proven them wrong was enough.

Stepping between them, she moved on by, feeling satisfied.

"You made 'em sweat that time," said Ibiki as he stepped into stride beside her, hands in his coat pockets.

"Yeah."

After a moment, Ibiki said, "I'm proud of you, Ponytail. You never let 'em get to you."

"I know who I am. They're all figuring it out, too."

He glanced sideways at her. "Then what's eatin' you?"

"Nothing. Why?"

Ibiki placed his big hand on top of her head, effectively stopping her. "Because I know you. And you've got that distant look in your eyes again. What's on your mind?"

When she didn't reply, the corners of his mouth turned down. "It's not _him_ again, is it?" he said, removing his hand from her.

"So what if it is?"

He sighed and shook his head. "I don't know why you won't let it go."

"You wouldn't give up on me, would you?"

"No, of course not. But you know…I've heard things about him. They say he's the one responsible for the deaths of his teammates."

Anko rounded on him, a fierce anger in her dark glare. "Don't believe everything you hear. You've watched me struggle to prove to the entire village that I'm nothing like Orochimaru. Don't you _dare_ judge Kakashi."

"I'm not. I'm just saying, the guy's a mystery. It might be a mistake to keep hoping…" he trailed off, unsure of how to finish that sentence without earning more of her wrath.

He'd seen the way Anko looked at Kakashi Hatake, and at first it had been impossible to convince himself that those emotions had been in her eyes and on her face at all. She was…enamored with him somehow, but she hadn't really said much on the subject, and he never asked. Even with as close as they were, no doubt such a personal conversation would be uncomfortable for the both of them.

However, Ibiki had become increasingly wary, wondering if her strange preoccupation with Kakashi would take its toll on Anko. At times, it appeared that it did. She would withdraw into herself, into her thoughts, and he sometimes witnessed the pain in her normally strong demeanor. From what Ibiki could tell, the guy hardly ever spared her a thought.

"I'm not hoping for anything, okay?"

One of his brows lifted.

"What? I'm not. I just… He's still hurting. Is it so bad to want to see him feel better?"

He sighed again. "You can't save people. You know that."

"Isn't that our job as Shinobi? To save people?"

Not having a counterargument, he stayed silent until she started walking again, leading the way home.

A few days later, Anko went to visit the cemetery, and as she was leaving, she noticed Kakashi standing before Rin's grave. Knowing she shouldn't bother him, she made to continue on her way, stopping when she saw the girl with long, violet hair approaching him.

"Kakashi, Sir. Lord Hokage has sent for you."

He turned to her. "Alright," he said, stepping away from the gravestone and walking past her. The girl followed him. "And stop calling me 'Sir'. This isn't the Academy you know."

"You're still my superior in the ANBU," she replied, then smiled. "Besides, you're sort of like my role model."

Anko noted the disinterested and somewhat exasperated look in Kakashi's eye as he responded, "You should find someone more suitable…"

A sense of relief washed over Anko, and although she knew it was terribly immature, she felt satisfied in knowing that Kakashi didn't care to pay this new girl much attention either. Yes they were teammates, but they appeared to be nothing more.

As Anko left the cemetery, she headed out of the village gates to do some training far away from any watchful eyes. She wanted to train with her snakes, and although she had been trying her hardest to regain the trust of the villagers, it seemed they still disliked her animal summons. In all honesty, Anko couldn't blame them, she supposed—not when her former Sensei had tainted their nature with his sickness. Only in time would the villagers see that Anko's snakes were not a threat and would not turn on them in favor of Orochimaru, just as Anko would never be sucked in by his brainwashing again.

Fool her twice…

Her practice with her Shadow Snakes and Twin-Headed Snake were going well as she worked on perfecting her companion combos. Yet as she trained, she had a niggling feeling in her gut that she tried to ignore. It was nothing, she was sure, and she had work to do.

However, when she began to practice with Roba, it was evident that both she and her snake were both distracted, affected by something that threw off their synchronicity entirely. Anko stopped, and so did Roba. She watched the blue snake lift and turn his head, flicking out his tongue and tasting the air around them.

Anko watched him, the fluttering in her gut growing stronger and beginning to turn her stomach. She glanced around at the trees that surrounded them, her eyes scanning the shadows as if she would find someone hiding within them. And yet, there was no one there, of that she was certain.

' _What is this?'_ she wondered. _'It seems…ominous. And yet it's so familiar…'_

She noticed Roba lowering his head out of the corner of her eye, and she turned her attention back to him. He hissed, curling in on himself, reacting to something he clearly didn't have a favorable opinion of.

Anko looked in the direction in which his yellow eyes had become fixated. His behavior was quite unusual, and yet somehow she could justify it. She, too, felt uneasy.

"Go on home," she said to him, and he turned his head to look at her. They stared at one another for briefly before he obeyed and vanished into a puff of smoke.

Narrowing her eyes into the shadows, Anko stepped from the clearing and into the brush. Curiosity compelled her forward despite the heightening feeling of uneasiness. It was almost as though she was compelled by some invisible force to seek the source of the disquiet in her stomach. As she walked further into the forest, a large part of her wanted to retreat and return to the village. And yet, she could not stop herself from moving forward.

A twig snapped beneath her foot and something jumped in the bushes somewhere ahead of her and to her left. It startled Anko, but she quickly shook her head to clear her mind. It was most likely a rabbit or a mink. Possibly a squirrel.

She kept going, and as she did, the sickness in her belly turned to an odd sort of tension that worked its way up her spine until it reached her shoulders. Her left one began to burn, and she inhaled sharply at the sensation, slapping her hand over it in a useless attempt to quell the pain. At first it caught her so off-guard that she couldn't make sense of it. However it didn't take her long to realize _what_ was burning.

"No…" she ground out through clenched teeth. It couldn't be. The Curse Mark was sealed. Why was it hurting her? "Is it… Is it him?"

Still slightly bent and holding her shoulder, Anko peered ahead, further into the trees. She set her jaw, her eyes hard. A cold fury ran through her veins despite the fire in her flesh.

"Come on out!" she called. "Or are you too afraid to show yourself?"

Silence reigned, and even the forest itself seemed dead. Ignoring the pain to the best of her ability, she walked on, adrenaline coursing through her. She knew that if she found Orochimaru, there was no way she would be able to win in a fight, but reason was thrown to the wind as she moved with a deep desire to be the one to take him out. The pain in her shoulder was nowhere near as blinding as the pain of his betrayal—a betrayal so strong that Anko still had not been able to bury her resentment for her former Master.

Her foot caught on a tree root, but she quickly regained her balance and kept moving. The fear and confusion were secondary to her anger, especially when she registered that he was far too close to the village. Anko stumbled on, pushing through the sting of the Curse Mark until she came to another small clearing, in the middle of which was what looked like an entrance to some underground hideout. Judging by the way the mark on her shoulder pulsated insistently, she knew it was one of _his_ ; one of Orochimaru's. And yet, shouldn't it be abandoned? Reason told her it should be, but then why was she in such pain?

Now she was rooted to the spot as the fear suddenly took over. What was she doing? If Orochimaru was down there, she wouldn't be able to fight him. He'd kill her for sure. He was a Sanin, and she was still only a Chunin. If she knew what was good for her, she would retreat. She would run back to the village as fast as she could and report her suspicions to Lord Hokage. Surely he would be able to—

She ducked further back into the bushes as someone leapt out of the ground. Relief flooded her when she saw it was just an ANBU agent. Anko was curious about the hideout, wanting answers as to what Orochimaru had been up to down there before he'd evidently abandoned it, but she thought it best to retreat before the ANBU saw her. She took a silent step backward.

The agent stood, and another stepped out from the bamboo grove behind the entrance.

"Kinoe. Where's Kakashi?"

The mention of his name halted her.

The first agent looked at the second, but didn't reply.

"Did you do it?" the second agent asked in a whisper.

"Yes," said the one called Kinoe, nodding and holding up a jar.

The second agent bent down to examine whatever was inside. "So you didn't need me." He stood straight again and turned toward the hideout. "Where's his body?"

"I made it appear like he was killed by one of Orochimaru's traps. Lord Hokage's ANBU will find him."

"Good. Let's return before they get wind of us."

Anko stood in shock as she watched one leave, and then the other, her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

' _Kakashi…'_

Surely they hadn't killed him. Surely not. She had to be mistaken. What reason could an ANBU have to kill a fellow agent?

"No," she mouthed, shaking her head. She forgot all about the searing pain in her shoulder as she rushed forward and peered down into the darkness. Without thinking twice, she leapt inside, squinting as she sprinted down the long, dim stone corridors.

"Kakashi? Kakashi!"

No answer came, and she grew frantic. She came to an open door, glanced inside, but saw no sign of him. Images flashed in her mind, images that were most likely snippets of her memories, but at the moment, she didn't care to dwell on them. Finding out whether Kakashi was dead or alive was her main concern, and she prayed to higher powers that they hadn't killed him.

Turning on her heel, she went a different direction. She found another open door, but he wasn't in that room either. Remnants of a conversation from long ago jumped to the forefront of her thoughts. Something about a talisman, and about harnessing the unused power in the bodies of the Shinobi who had died in battle. Those golden eyes.

She pushed away from the door frame and kept running. More images came unbidden, like she had once known about this place, but she didn't care. Her heart echoed in her head, and her feet pounded against the rough, stone floor as she continued her desperate search for Kakashi.

At last, she rounded a corner and saw him, his body leaned up against a crumbling wall several feet from giant, wrought-iron doors.

"Kakashi!" she cried as she rushed over and dropped to her knees beside him. Placing her ear against his chest, she let the tension leave her upon discovering that he was indeed alive.

Anko lifted her head from him, her eyes scanning his body for wounds. She found only one on his right arm that had already been bandaged, but otherwise he appeared unharmed.

So what exactly was she supposed to make of the conversation she'd overheard?

Anko caught sight of a note stuck to the wall via a dagger. Removing the blade, she sat back on her heels as she scanned the page.

" _To Kakashi,_

 _I've become confused about this mission where I'm supposed to kill a friend, so I'm going to abandon it, and I'll report to Lord Danzo that I failed._

 _Please, take care."_

"No way," Anko breathed in disbelief. Lord Danzo had ordered his agents to kill Kakashi? Why? And for what purpose?

Anko looked back down the corridor, her heartrate slowing down and her brain finally catching up to the situation at hand, allowing her to think more clearly. It didn't really help her figure out the mystery she'd stumbled into. Yet, as she stared down the underground passage, more fragments of her memory returned.

 _Stepping out of the chem lab, Lord Orochimaru by her side, she noticed someone walking down the hallway toward them. Tilting her head and squinting her eyes, she recognized them._

" _Lord Danzo?"_

" _Ah, Danzo. What a pleasant surprise," said her Sensei._

 _The old man said nothing to Anko, sparing her no more than a glance as he reached them._

" _I assume you know why I'm here."_

" _Mm, yes. Anko."_

 _She glanced up at the Sanin. "Yes, Lord Orochimaru?"_

" _Why don't you go on home? You've been doing excellent work for me, but you shouldn't neglect your rest you know."_

" _But I—" She stopped, noticing the rather impatient look on Danzo's face. "Er…I mean…of course. You're right, I am tired."_

" _That's my girl. Run along now, and I'll see you for training tomorrow morning."_

 _She gave a respectful bow to both him and Lord Danzo before she headed for the exit._

Anko shook her head. Had Lord Danzo been working with Orochimaru the whole time? And if so, was the Hokage aware of it? He couldn't be, otherwise Lord Third would have gotten rid of him. Right? Even if he didn't know, surely there would be consequences for Danzo now after giving his agents the order to kill a comrade.

She never had cared much for Lord Danzo, and whether he was had been working with Orochimaru was, at that moment, irrelevant. The anger burned inside Anko just with the knowledge that he'd order one of his men to oust Kakashi. The why didn't matter, not to her, and she was at least grateful that this Kinoe character had spared his life.

Kakashi made a quiet sound as he came to. His eyelids fluttered as his mind reengaged.

"Kakashi…?" she said softly.

He shot forward, wide-eyed. "A-Anko? Wh-what are you doing here? Where's—"He stopped short.

"Kinoe?"

Kakashi stared back at her, wondering how she knew his name, and how she'd found him in the first place. His mission was classified, and Kinoe himself was a mystery hidden by Danzo. His gaze dropped to the paper in her hand as she held it out to him without saying a word.

He took it and read the note.

"I didn't follow you, I swear. I didn't know you were here. I was training and I…happened to find this place. I overheard two ANBU agents outside, and I thought—"

He quickly folded the note and struggled to stand, stuffing it inside a pocket of his vest. "So you were eavesdropping," he said, knowing he had to get back to the village quickly before Kinoe faced Danzo's wrath for his insubordination. He started to walk back down the corridor, but he stumbled, still weak from the poison he'd inhaled earlier after destroying one of Orochimaru's experiments.

Anko had gotten to her feet, and now lunged forward to catch Kakashi before he fell. "I didn't plan on it, but I thought you were dead! I came to look for you."

"You shouldn't have. You realize that ANBU business is top secret, don't you? If anyone finds out you know anything, you'll face severe consequences."

"So? The life of a comrade means more than the threat of punishment. I couldn't just to leave you here!"

He tried to push her away, but he gave up, silently acknowledging that he needed her help, at least until he regained all the feeling in his limbs.

He sighed. "What's done is done I guess. But we have to move fast. Can you pick up the pace?"

Aware that asking any questions would only cause trouble for herself, Anko merely nodded and obeyed. It drove her crazy. She wanted to know what had happened, not just with Kakashi, but with whatever mission had brought him down to one of Orochimaru's hideouts in the first place. She was itching for answers, wondering if he'd found anything of importance inside.

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

He shifted his eyes to her. "That you would find me here of all places."

Anko glared at him. "What are you implying?"

"I'm not implying anything. It just seems to make some kind of sense I suppose."

There was a question in there somewhere, a genuine curiosity that was not at all accusatory. Part of her wanted to confess the reason she'd stumbled across this place, if for no other reason than that Kakashi was genuinely curious. However the churning in her stomach as she remembered the pain that still burned her skin like a branding iron warned her against disclosing the truth, especially since she had no explanation as to why the Curse Mark was burning in the first place.

Not only that, but she had not yet had time to process the snapshots of memories long buried that had resurfaced since entering the old hideout.

"You don't want to talk about it, do you?"

Anko faced forward with a drawn expression. "You have your secrets, I have mine."

Upon reaching the exit, Kakashi wrapped his arm tighter around Anko as she helped him return to the surface, the clearing outside shimmering with streaks of evening sunlight. The sky above them was beginning to change from a bright blue to a mix of pinks, purples, and yellows.

"Come on, let's get you back to the village."

"Kakashi, Sir!"

They both turned to see another ANBU agent rushing toward them. Anko felt more annoyed by her arrival than anything, but she pushed her own emotions aside. All that mattered now was that Kakashi returned to the village as quickly as possible to treat his injuries and report to Lord Third.

"Yugao," said Kakashi, less surprised to see his teammate.

"Sir, I know I wasn't assigned to this mission, but… When you didn't return, I grew concerned. What happened, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," said Kakashi, extricating himself from Anko and stepping away from her altogether. "But we've got to get back and report to Lord Third immediately."

Yugao nodded. "Understood." She looked to Anko, her silent question clear.

Kakashi turned to Anko. "Thanks for your help, but do yourself a favor and forget everything you saw and everything you heard. Got it?"

Knowing that forgetting was not possible, she simply nodded once.

He looked back at Yugao. "She was never here."

"Uh…right."

"Good. Let's go."

It was Yugao who assisted Kakashi this time as they rushed back to the village, leaving Anko alone in the clearing.

Everything hit her all at once; the sickening feeling of inferiority that settled in her stomach as she watched Kakashi and Yugao disappear and leave her behind, unworthy of knowing exactly what was going on; the fire in her shoulder, reminding her that she was not entirely free of Orochimaru; the reminder that she'd been to this dark place before; the realization that Lord Danzo may have been colluding with Orochimaru from the very beginning, and that he may very well be working against the Hidden Leaf at that very moment; and the reality that Kakashi, as an agent under Lord Third, was being targeted by Lord Danzo.

With Kakashi alive and headed home, Anko was temporarily put at ease on that front. However, with the ease of her fear came the return of the pain in her shoulder full-force. She slapped her hand against the Curse Mark, trying to quell the sting.

She glanced back at the hideout, wanting to know what else was inside, but she had already had enough of that place and the pain that came with it. The only way to get rid of the fire under her skin was to get as far away from it as possible.

And so she did.

Anko took off into the trees, racing away from the remnants of her former Sensei's hidden lab, trying to also outrun the guilt and shame that was quickly creeping up on her.

If Kakashi had been sent to Orochimaru's hideout, there was likely good reason to investigate it. And Anko had been there… What all had she seen? What had she known? What had she been blind to, and how could she have been so oblivious?

These questions and others ate at her, spinning her mind around in circles. She wanted to make sense of it, and yet at the same time, she was too afraid to confront those questions head-on. She wondered if she should speak to Lady Tsunade, but then she decided against it. She couldn't speak of this incident to Lord Third either since it involved ANBU business.

Having nowhere else to go, Anko decided to simply return home, and with any luck, Ibiki would keep whatever concerns he was sure to have to himself.


	7. Chapter 7: Confronting the Past

**A/N:** You know what's a really good mood song for this chapter? The "Sweet Dreams" cover by Emily Browning. Yep. Enjoy.

 _Chapter Seven: Confronting the Past_

 _Endless corridors, so familiar, and yet so threatening. They were too quiet, filled with an ominous silence that was quickly consuming her. The soles of her shoes hit the cold stone, over and over as she ran, but the echo of her footfalls didn't reach her ears. All she could hear was her own frantic, labored breathing, and somewhere in her mind was the knowledge that something lurked in the unnatural silence, waiting for the opportunity to strike her dead._

 _She couldn't stop. It would get her. Despite the burning in her weary legs, she had to keep moving._

 _Then his screams pierced the silence—pierced her ears._

" _Ah, help me! Please! Someone, help!"_

 _She tripped, but caught herself, skidding to a halt and whirling round to find the source of the cries. The corridor behind her had morphed into a large, circular room with multiple doorways, and although he continued to call for help, she couldn't pinpoint which door he was trapped behind._

 _She ran to one and opened it only to be met with darkness. She tried another, and it was the same. Another, and another, and another—_

" _Ahhhhh!"_

 _The sound was so loud, her ears crackled, and she shook her head, running for the last door._

 _It opened before she reached it, and out came a hideous monstrosity that on the surface appeared to be a giant white snake. But as she looked closer, she realized it wasn't a snake; it was a beast made of a conglomerate of mutated, snake-like creatures._

 _A gaping hole was visible in the side of its long, ugly body, and sinking into it was the one she had been looking for._

" _Help me! Help me, please!" he cried._

 _She tried to step forward, wanting to save him, but the snake-like creatures began to disband and slither toward her in a great white mass. She backed away quickly, but they overtook her, winding around her ankles and legs, bringing her to the ground, grabbing her wrists, and holding her there as the beast swallowed her comrade and opened its mouth to lunge for her. A searing pain began in her shoulder. Squeezing her eyes shut, she screamed._

Gasping, Anko shot up into a sitting position on the sofa, her eyes wide as they stared into the otherwise empty room, taking in nothing for several seconds as her brain began to register that she wasn't in any danger.

Reflexively, she reached up to touch her shoulder. She curled her fingers in the fabric of her shirt in frustration.

"Damnit… Just another dream."

Glancing at the window behind her, she noted the hazy grey light outside and realized it was already early morning. She didn't feel well-rested at all, but she didn't want to try to go back to sleep and return to the world of her nightmares, so she swung her legs from the couch and stood.

It had been more than a week since the incident at Orochimaru's abandoned hideout, and yet Anko couldn't put her thoughts surrounding it to rest. While getting dressed for the day, she came to the conclusion she'd been slowly working toward for days; she would have to go back there. She would have to confront her fears and attempt to discern some truth from what remained of the past. It was the only way she would ever be able to even attempt to put her mind at ease.

"Anko?"

Hearing the sleepy voice behind her, she turned to see Idate in the doorway to the living room.

He yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Where are you going?"

"Don't worry about it, ok?" she whispered back. "I'm just going out for a walk. If Ibiki asks, just tell him I'll be back later. I'm sure he won't though."

Idate shrugged. "You're probably right. I'll tell him anyway."

Anko nodded and thanked him before heading out the door.

She was in no hurry. The old hideout wasn't going anywhere. Letting her feet carry her forward, out through the village gate and into the forest beyond, Anko focused only on keeping herself calm and her breathing steady. She was prepared for her Curse Mark to burn again, but reason told her that Orochimaru was not there, and therefore, he could not hurt her. The past could not hurt her. Confronting it could only bring her some measure of clarity and guide her a step closer to closure.

The morning sun was bathing the earth in a peaceful white light when she reached the hideout. Peering down into the dark hole in the ground once more, she grit her teeth against the pain in her shoulder. _Mind over matter_ , she told herself. It was possible that there were still several traps hidden within the confines of those underground tunnels, but her Curse Mark was nothing but a nuisance that she needed to learn to tune out.

Drawing in a breath and gathering her courage, she jumped down into the darkness.

Those dimly lit halls waited for her several paces away, luminescent stones serving as a primitive guide. Images from her nightmares quickly leapt to the forefront of her consciousness, but she braced herself and pushed them aside. Those were nothing more than irrational fears that tormented her in the night. They held no truth.

Coming to the first room, she entered it this time, glancing around and studying the walls, the cabinets, the tables, the shelves. She vaguely remembered working in that room. It had been better lit at the time, and she was working with chemicals of some sort. More than that she could not recall.

She picked up a piece of paper on a lab table, hoping that something on it might jog her memory further, but she was disappointed to find nothing written there.

Setting it down, she slowly walked around the dark and dusty room.

Nothing. The rest of the room was as blank as the paper. There was no evidence there that suggested it was Orochimaru's hideout at all. An outsider wouldn't have known any better.

Moving on, she ventured to the second room. She remembered the memory that had come back to her before; speaking with Orochimaru about his ambition to harness the unused power within the bodies of deceased Shinobi. She really should have seen the writing on the wall… He was far too occupied with the dead, and with bodies…

But nothing else returned. No other memories sprung forth. That was ok, she reasoned. There were other rooms that could trigger her memories.

She returned to the corridor and kept walking until it split into two directions. She retraced her steps from a week ago, finding the large iron doors outside of which she'd found Kakashi thankfully still alive and largely unharmed. The door itself didn't look familiar in any other way.

She walked up to it and placed her hand on the cold metal. What was behind it? Surely there was something there. It looked promising—

"What do you think you're doing?"

She jumped, startled, and spun around to face the ANBU agent behind her, knowing from his voice that there was no need to draw her weapons. Even so, her heart leapt into her throat and she could suddenly hear it in her ears.

It registered quickly that she didn't care for his tone, and she grew guarded and defensive.

"What's it to you?"

Kakashi didn't look happy—not in the slightest.

"Are you hoping to get killed?"

Anko crossed her arms and glared at him. "I'm sure you'd like that. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm capable of taking care of myself."

"If you open that door, you'll suffocate. That room is full of poisonous gas. I doubt Orochimaru designed much ventilation in this place, especially if he thought he'd have to abandon it and set traps to hide any remaining evidence of his presence."

"So…that's why you were passed out here before."

"Yes. Now you have to go."

"I won't."

He narrowed his eyes. "You _can't_ be here. It's dangerous, and besides…"

"Besides what?" she demanded.

He didn't answer her.

Anko stepped toward him. "Look, I'm not an idiot, ok? It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're on a mission to case this hideout. But I'm on a mission, too. I'm on a mission to get my memories back. If wandering through these halls and rooms will help me put the pieces together again, I'm willing to take the risk of falling into a few traps. I'm sure I can handle them. I was his student after all."

"That doesn't make you immune to the danger."

"So? Who cares if anything happens to me anyway?"

"I'm sure a lot of people."

She scoffed at that.

"All of that aside, if you don't leave, I'm going to have to tell the Hokage that my mission was compromised—again."

"That's your problem. I have my own to deal with."

They stood there at a stalemate, the silence growing more tense and uncomfortable.

At last, she said, "Fine, I'll leave. But once you've completed your mission, I'll be back to finish what I started, and you're not going to stop me."

She moved past him, but to her surprise, he stopped her with a hand on her elbow. Glancing back at him, she saw his head bent forward in resignation.

He seemed to heave a heavy sigh. "I know I can't persuade you to just leave it be. I understand that you have questions you want answered. And if that's the case…then I can't let you come back here alone."

He let her go, and she turned back around, waiting for some sort of explanation. Kakashi faced her.

"We'll search the hideout together."

She couldn't hide the shock in her expression, but it was quickly replaced with skepticism.

"What about your mission? I 'compromised' it, didn't I?"

"Whatever traps are here, I'm sure we can handle them, and Lord Third doesn't have to know."

"You would lie to him?"

He shrugged. "Not lie. I just won't tell him. And if he finds out, I'll deal with the consequences. I didn't tell him you were here before either."

"I… Uh… Thanks…"

"Don't mention it," he said, passing her.

"W-wait! What… What else was in there…?"

"It was a room full of huge test-tubes, and some monstrous experiment of Orochimaru's. Killing it released the poison."

That room didn't sound familiar to Anko, and she wondered if she'd known about it. Something told her she should hope she hadn't.

After a moment's hesitation, she followed Kakashi back to the split in the corridor. They took the other corridor, which turned out to be longer than the other two. She kept her eyes on his back, wondering what was going through his mind, and why he hadn't continued to fight her on whether she should stay or go. It seemed odd that he would allow her to intrude on his mission, especially since ANBU business _was_ classified, and he'd reminded her of that the last time.

She contemplated whether he would answer any of her questions related to his last aborted mission to the hideout. If they found anything this time, they'd both be privy to that information anyway. Curious, she decided to give it a shot.

"Did you find anything else of interest last time?"

"No, I didn't. The few rooms I had checked were empty. There was no evidence of anything. That hideous experiment was the only real clue that Orochimaru had even been down here."

"Yeah… They didn't do much for me either."

The next room they came to was locked. It wasn't difficult for Kakashi to pick the lock, and they stepped into what looked like an exam room. Anko suddenly felt sick to her stomach. More proof of Orochimaru's obsession with human subjects. Surely she hadn't known…

The exam table sat in the middle of the room, and there were all kinds of tubes and wires lying on the floor. The desk and shelves were empty, void of any real information, and Anko had to prevent her troubled mind from conjuring horrid images.

Reason told her that this room may not have been used entirely for nefarious purposes. Orochimaru was quite skilled at medical ninjutsu, and it was plausible that much of what took place there was rather routine and not forbidden in the least.

But she knew now that he'd had an unhealthy thirst for exploring uncharted waters.

She approached the exam table and reached out a hand to touch it. Other than the dust that had accumulated on top of it, it was clean. Running her hand along it, she looked over at the desk, and another memory returned.

" _You're sure about this, my dear?"_

 _Anko nodded from her place sitting atop the examination table. "I can handle it, I promise."_

" _Such courage. It will likely burn, and you'll feel uncomfortable, but I'll give the antidote to counteract the poison. We'll slowly build up your tolerance."_

" _I know. I'm ready."_

 _Reaching out with a gloved hand, he placed the needle above her shoulder, then pushed it into her skin, his thumb pushing down the plunger. Anko hissed and grit her teeth. He had warned her of the pain, but she wasn't weak. She could take it. It was only for a little while, and once she'd gained immunity to various poisons, that would give her a distinct advantage on the battlefield._

 _It felt like the pain went on for a long time before she felt another needle being pushed into her opposite shoulder. She laid down on the table, curling in on herself, knowing the pain would end soon._

 _Not soon enough. Her thoughts were no longer coherent, her mind going fuzzy and threatening to fade to black. When she opened her eyes, she could barely see. And yet, she could feel the antidote kicking in already. The burn in her veins was subsiding, and soon her vision cleared…_

Unconsciously, Anko grasped both of her shoulders and shivered.

"Anko…?" came Kakashi's voice from somewhere behind her. It sounded distant.

She shook her head. "I don't think that poison would have killed me."

"What are you talking about?"

She stood straighter and continued walking around the room slowly, examining it. "I'm immune to most poisons…and certainly all the poisons that Orochimaru had access to."

He didn't have to ask. He grasped what she was saying, though he didn't really want to contemplate it. Orochimaru had managed to make his work seductive to her for a while it seemed. He had to have manipulated her—fooled her—because the girl before him was clearly upset by the reality of the situation.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I was the idiot… Doesn't matter now though, does it?"

"…To you it does."

She seemed to groan. "Please don't pretend to care…"

As Kakashi went to examine the tubes and wires on the floor, he said, "I'm not heartless, believe it or not."

He wasn't looking at her, so he couldn't see the sad longing in her eyes as she stared down at him.

"I know…" she said, then turned away to walk back out of the room.

He followed her to the next one. It was another lab, similar to the first. Nothing there. No new memories surfaced. As they continued on, a few still images crept into her awareness, but nothing substantial.

Part of Anko was frustrated, but the other part was relieved. The mental strain of simply being there in that place was growing unbearable, not to mention the fact that her shoulder seemed to burn more and more the further they wandered into the abandoned hideout. She could feel Kakashi's watchful eyes on her, but she kept quiet about her discomfort. It was her burden to bear, not his, and she didn't want him to think she was too weak to continue. She had to see her self-assigned mission through to the end.

The corridor came to an abrupt end, and the pair stood there facing the stone wall in front of them.

"It looks like the end," said Kakashi.

"No," said Anko in a strained voice, unable to stop herself from grasping at her shoulder, the Curse Mark burning now more than ever before. "There's something else here."

Pulling out a small light, Kakashi flicked it on and moved to examine the wall. "I said it _looks_ like the end, not that it _is_ the end."

"He tried to cover up something. Bastard."

"I doubt he did this when he left. I'm guessing there's something in here that he hid even from you."

They both scanned the wall for clues, or for a way to get past it. It took several minutes before Kakashi found a dip in the corner and a button inside.

"Got it. Stand back."

Anko did so and watched as a piece of the wall seemed to slide out of the way. It was barely enough for one individual to pass through. Kakashi stepped through it first, and she was right behind him.

She stared at the large, round room with several doors, remembering it from her nightmares. Her eyes darted to Kakashi, and she wondered if he was in danger. As he stepped forward, she panicked.

"Hey!"

"Hm? What is it?"

She couldn't find words to explain her uneasiness, and it sounded stupid and strange to say she'd had nightmares that they'd both died in here.

"Just…be careful."

If this room had surfaced in her nightmares, perhaps it hadn't been kept from her at all. Perhaps she had known about it. But as they began to open doors that led to small work areas, she started to relax because there appeared to be nothing ominous there. Still, she reminded herself that that wall was meant to hide something.

The door directly across from them was locked, and Kakashi picked it with ease. He pushed it open, and behind it was a long hallway. Anko walked behind him as he led the way down the corridor that somehow seemed different than the others. Anko grew more apprehensive, her eyes darting around them in the silence as she waited for some sort of trap.

As they reached the next set of doors, however, nothing happened. The metal doors slid open to let them through, and Anko and Kakashi stepped inside the large room, the doors closing behind them.

"It almost looks like the other test lab… But it's not quite the same," said Kakashi.

Anko stepped in front of him and wandered farther into the room. She narrowed her eyes, fixated on the test tubes around the room. Most of them were shattered, leaving only the metal base intact, but there were a few still in one piece.

"Careful," said Kakashi as he began his own wary search. "The last room like this held one of Orochimaru's experiments."

She barely heard him. Nausea began to turn her stomach as she contemplated who or what may have been in the test tubes. What had Orochimaru been doing in here?

Lifting one hand, Anko placed her palm against the cold glass of one of the tubes. "What do you think happened here?" she heard herself ask, only partially wanting an answer.

"I don't know," he replied. "He didn't leave any substantial clues behind. He could have been doing any number of things."

"I know he was using human test subjects…"

"And experimenting with forbidden Jutsu."

Anko bit her lip as she remembered her flashback from before—the one with Lord Danzo. Should she tell Kakashi? What would he do with the information? Would he tell the Hokage? Would Lord Third inquire into the source of the information? He undoubtedly would. What would Kakashi say?

But what if Kakashi knew something Anko didn't? Anything he did know was likely classified, which meant it was likely an, "I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you" deal. Yet, she was already in dangerous waters, accompanying Kakashi on a secret mission. If Lord Third were to find out, she and Kakashi both would face severe consequences.

Really, what did she have left to lose?

"Kakashi," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

He looked back at her. "Yeah, what is it?"

"The last time I was here, when I found you, I remembered something…"

"Oh? What's that?"

She took a breath and looked him in the eye. "It's about Lord Danzo. I…think he was working with Orochimaru."

Something momentarily flickered across his expression, but it left as quickly as it had come.

"You know, that wouldn't surprise me."

"I-it wouldn't?"

"No. If that's the case, I think Lord Third knows it, too."

Anko stared back at him, dumbfounded. She shook her head. "But then…If Lord Third knew, why would—?"

"Why would Lord Danzo still hold a position of power?"

Her silence was his answer.

He closed his eyes, looking resigned. "Not even the Hidden Leaf is perfect. The ANBU and its various divisions basically do the village's dirty work, but it is all done with the village's best interests at heart."

"But Danzo—!"

"—is being monitored closely by Lord Third. But it seems he's a necessary part of keeping the Hidden Leaf safe. At least for now."

Now her head was hurting, and she placed a palm to her temple. "I don't understand. If Orochimaru was deemed a rogue ninja that needed to be stopped because of his use of forbidden Jutsu and his use of human test subjects, then why would Lord Danzo be allowed to wander freely within the village and hold a position of power? If they were working together, what makes the difference?"

"The short answer is that Danzo is useful. Orochimaru is not."

"No. Lord Third can't know the whole story. He wouldn't…"

Kakashi said nothing. There was nothing to say. It had been a shock when he had put the pieces together for himself, but after working so long within the ANBU, Kakashi had come to accept the necessary presence of the shadowy underbelly of the village. He didn't like Lord Danzo. The man was cruel, and the way he ran the Foundation was dehumanizing. Kakashi was sure he had been about to kill Kinoe for betraying the Foundation. The man was ruthless, but Kakashi also trusted Lord Third to keep Danzo in his place. Anko would have to trust him, too.

"What else do you know that I don't?" she demanded, but it was almost a plea.

He seemed to contemplate her question; rather, he seemed to contemplate whether he should answer it. At last, he made his decision.

"Several years ago, many lower-level Shinobi and infants went missing. It's believed that whoever kidnapped them was trying to implant Hashirama Senju's cells into the victims to revive the long-dead Wood Style."

"What?! They were kidnapping infants?"

"It's…'hearsay,'" he said, recalling the Third Hokage's words.

"But you know, don't you?"

Again, he said nothing. That was all she needed to know. He had already said too much. There was no sense in telling her about Kinoe and dragging her further into the darkness. Besides, he could see that the gravity of that simple, but horrifying revelation was already having a profound effect on her.

Anko shook her head again, this time in apparent denial. Truthfully, she'd been in denial since Lady Tsunade had told her that Orochimaru was experimenting on people, but she hadn't been forced to fully confront that reality until now.

The pain in her head, in her shoulder, and in her psyche was growing. She felt the tears sting her eyes, and her body began to shake. She didn't want to cry. She didn't want to break down, but she was hurting, and she couldn't stop the ache.

She sunk down to her knees and covered her face with her hands. How could she have been so stupid? So blind? So gullible? So foolish? Why hadn't see seen how sick and twisted her mentor had been? The signs had been there—always present—but she had ignored them. How could she have been so easily manipulated by a truly evil man? Infants. _Infants!_ He had stolen babies, and it was unlikely that any of them had survived the hell they'd been put through. And all those parents… They would never know the fate of their children.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, but she couldn't stop the tears.

"You didn't know," said Kakashi quietly. He said it with both empathy and confidence.

It took a few minutes for Anko to regain her composure. Once she'd taken a breath, she slowly stood, her expression serious and stony.

"I will find him," she said. "And I will make him pay for everything he's done. I swear it."

"Who knows? Maybe one day you'll get your chance."

Turning around, she demanded, "Why did Lord Danzo want you dead?"

"I've already said too much," he insisted.

"So what's one more question? I want to know."

Kakashi appeared to debate the pros and cons, but eventually he gave in. She was right. It didn't really matter now. "I guess you have a point… He wanted my Sharringan. More than that, I don't know."

"Heh…You're lucky his agent decided to spare your life."

"Yeah, well the favor has been returned, and you can rest assured that Lord Third has Danzo on an even shorter leash now for targeting me."

"He'd better keep him there," she said bitterly, not sure how she felt about the Hokage knowing that he knew about Danzo. A wave of pain shot through her shoulder, and she fought to hide her grimace. "Can we get out of here?"

Kakashi glanced around the lab one last time. "We don't have much choice. This seems to be the last of it."

"I'm surprised it wasn't littered with traps."

"It doesn't look like he had much evidence left behind to hide. He was immaculate."

They headed back for the door, Anko eager to leave. She'd had enough of this place, and her head was spinning from the new information she'd gathered. It would take her several days to process it, if she could process it at all.

She reached the door first and placed her hand on the cold metal. Her eyes narrowed. "It won't open."

"That's strange," said Kakashi coming up behind her. "It should open from the inside…"

They scanned the edges of the door and Anko pointed to an indent in the wall. "Look."

The pair of them approached the side of archway to examine it. "He removed the inner control panel and made it a one-way door," said Kakashi upon noting the severed wires.

"It looks like we spoke too soon." She took a step back and Kakashi followed suit. "That's fine. We'll just break it down," she said, reaching into her hip pouch and removing a kunai and tag. She attached the tag to the blade and threw it at the crack between the doors. It exploded with a crack and a burst of fire and smoke, but when it cleared, the door was still intact.

"Dammit, I thought for sure that would work. What the hell are they made of?"

"I don't know, but I'm guessing that's our only way out. Let me handle this."

He lifted his hand, concentrating his chakra in his palm to form his Lightning Blade.

"Stand back."

She obeyed, and Kakashi leapt forward to demolish the door. Anko had seen his Lightning Blade a few times, but it never ceased to amaze her. The raw power he could muster with that one technique was incredible, and he weaved it together with the fierce elegance of his movements.

Anko followed him back out into the corridor, saying, "Man, I wish I could do that."

"Even that has its limits."

"It got us out of there anyway."

"Hey… Do you hear that?" asked Kakashi, staring down the hallway in front of them.

"Hear what?"

Kakashi paid no attention to his response. He was trying to pinpoint the nearly inaudible sizzling sound. It wasn't in front of them, nor behind them. So it had to be…

He looked up and realized that it wasn't sizzling: it was hissing, and there were dozens of golden eyes looking angrily down at them.

"W-what are those?" asked Anko, not quite comprehending the strange bat-like snakes attached to the ceiling.

"More experiments… Look out!"

The snakes dove for them, and Anko and Kakashi leapt out of the way, drawing their weapons and aiming to strike. There was an entire swarm of them, however, and they were fast and hard to hit. One struck out to bite Anko's arm, but she dodged it and stabbed it in the head with a kunai knife.

She was met with instant regret as it fell to the ground, a hazy poison pouring from its bloody wound. It wouldn't hurt her, she was sure, but Kakashi…

"Don't hit them! Run!" she shouted.

Quickly catching on, Kakashi did as she said, Anko on his heels. They ran from the swarm, down the long corridor, keeping their eyes trained on the smaller door up ahead. They got through, slamming it shut behind them, but the snakes were able to break it down.

Running again, they headed across the round room only to find that the way they'd entered had closed off, and there was no way to get through. Spinning around and pushing Anko behind him, Kakashi threw up a mud wall that reached up to the ceiling.

Anko scanned the stones behind them, looking for another secret switch of some kind.

"It's useless. There's no way out."

"Then we'll just have to do this the hard way," he replied, forming his Lightning Blade again in the palm of his hand.

They broke his barrier and latched on to Kakashi's leg as he leapt forward. He tripped and fell, his Lightning Blade disappearing, wasted. He rolled and kicked the crawling monsters off of him, Anko jumping to his defense.

As he stood, the pair of them were locked into a no-win situation, fighting the mutated snakes while trying not to kill them.

"What now?"

"Can you hold them off?" Kakashi asked.

"I can try," she said, moving in front of him and doing whatever she could to keep them away from Kakashi.

He tried again to gather chakra in his hand, but it was no use. Two Lightning Style attacks was his limit. Anko was flung backward, and Kakashi took her place while she struggled to her feet, having been bitten in several places. Those snakes weren't just full of a vaporous poison: their bites also contained venom. She could feel it burning in the puncture wounds, but it could not harm her. Kakashi had only been bitten on his leg, but it appeared as though the snakes hadn't been able to penetrate his skin.

There was no escape, and Kakashi would die if he was infected. For now, he was using his sheathed sword to keep them all at bay.

They only had one chance to get out of there if Kakashi's Lightning Blade was no longer of any use.

"Don't let them bite you! I have a plan!" she called.

"Fine! Hurry!"

Biting her thumb, she slammed her hand on the cold stone floor and summoned Roba. Thank goodness he'd grown substantially in the last few years. He hissed, blowing the flying monstrosities away from Kakashi, who turned and stared at her large, blue snake with wide eyes.

Anko jumped into his open mouth, and Roba aimed for Kakashi. She grabbed him and pulled him to her. As the flying snakes came back, Anko stepped in front of Kakashi and used her Dragon Flame Jutsu to destroy as many of those experiments as she could. Before the poison could either reach them or react with the fire, Roba closed his mouth and dove down into the earthen floor, burrowing his way out of the underground hideout.

It was a rough ride, Anko knelt down in front of Kakashi and praying for the pain in her neck and shoulder to subside. She knew it wouldn't until they were well away from that place. It wasn't until they reached the surface that Roba stopped and reopened his mouth to let them out. Anko stood and leapt to the ground, Kakashi quickly following suit.

They both turned back to face the blue snake.

"Thanks, Roba," said Anko. "You're a life-saver." Roba appeared to nod his head, flicking out his tongue. His eyes moved to the silver-haired ANBU just behind her, his gaze intent. When Anko glanced at Kakashi, he appeared nervous. Given their run-in with the mutant snakes, his apprehension was understandable.

"Don't worry. He's not one of Orochimaru's. He only listens to me."

"Well that's…good to know. Thanks for helping us out of there…"

Seeming to accept Kakashi's gratitude, Roba turned his attention back to his partner.

"You can go now."

Once Roba had vanished, Anko found that her strength had been drained. She fell to her knees, grasping at her shoulder. It still burned, and she didn't understand why it was getting worse rather than better.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" asked Kakashi, moving to examine her.

"I'm fine… It's just this damn Curse Mark…"

"Has it been bothering you this whole time? Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"You need to see Lady Tsunade."

"No. The pain will go away as soon as we're away from this place."

"Then let's go. There's no use sticking around here any longer."

She got to her feet once more, leading the way home, Kakashi trailing her by several paces. She could feel his eyes on her again, as if he didn't believe that she would be okay. Fortunately, as they gained some distance from Orochimaru's abandoned lab, the burning subsided until it eventually ceased altogether.

When they were still far enough out from the village, Kakashi stopped.

"We should split up here."

Anko turned to him, having forgotten that they weren't supposed to have been together at all since he was an ANBU agent assigned to search the hideout. Remembering that there would be serious consequences for the both of them if anyone found out that she had been with him on his classified mission, Anko nodded her agreement.

"Right."

Something in his countenance changed, and she was dismayed to see that the cold Kakashi had returned, his eyes nearly hard as stone. "I'll take the long road around. You head straight on to the village, and don't say a word of this to anyone."

She didn't have time to respond before he vanished from sight, leaving her alone in the forest. Though the pain in her shoulder had gone, another familiar ache returned. Pushing through it, she carried on down the path toward the gate.


	8. Chapter 8: Reconciliation

_Chapter 8: Reconciliation_

Since returning to the village, Anko had known, but never _really_ knew, what Orochimaru had been doing before he fled as a fugitive. Confronting the evidence of the past had been suffocating and hadn't made her feel any better about her own involvement. On top of that, she felt angry because the hope she had for the future was now on shaky ground with the revelation that the Third Hokage was willingly overlooking Danzo's connection to Orochimaru instead of getting rid of the conniving old man.

It was that last bit that really nagged at her. It was Anko's trust in the goodness and wisdom of the Third Hokage that had instilled in her that sense of hope, but her trust in him was fading faster and faster the longer she dwelled on this new information. It called into question everything she thought she knew about her own village and left a sour taste in her mouth.

Who else knew about Danzo? Were there other dark secrets that were allowed to exist for the so-called "sake of the village"?

Worse yet, was that the point of the ANBU?

Kakashi had seemed largely unfazed by Danzo's treachery, and by the way Lord Third was keeping him on as a member of the Counsil and the leader of the Foundation. What else did Kakashi know, and was he okay with it all?

Walking through the bright, joyful, sunlit streets of Konoha, Anko began to take notice of the shadows, both literal and figurative. The world itself became relative as she wondered: What was good? What was evil? And what exactly distinguished the two?

Reason told here that light and dark had to exist in a delicate balance, and yet… As she gazed up at the stone faces of the Hokages, her eyes focused on one in particular; the younger face of the Third Hokage. He had been, for the longest time, a grandfather figure to her, full of an infinite kindness and wisdom, and the great teacher of the Will of Fire. He had, on more than one occasion, been her comfort and her shelter since her parents were no longer part of the world of the living.

The betrayal of Orochimaru had been a difficult pill to swallow, but somehow this betrayal felt worse. It rocked her to her core and threw her entirely off balance.

Her friends had noticed the change in her, but she was unable to speak about it to any of them. She wasn't sure she even wanted to. Ignorance really was bliss, and perhaps they were better off not knowing, their pride in the Hidden Leaf undamaged.

Anko just couldn't stomach it: the thought that the Third Hokage knew of Danzo's interest and involvement in the human experimentation—and the fact that he'd likely had a hand in kidnapping those infants—, yet he still let Danzo wander freely. Danzo's actions, like Orochimaru's, were treasonous and represented a grievous crime against humanity. Why hadn't the man been imprisoned or sentenced to death as punishment for his actions? How could he possibly be 'valuable' to the village?

Her stoic frown only deepened as she contemplated the stone monument from her place beneath a tree in the park.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" came the weathered old voice from beside her. She'd heard his telltale shuffle, but she'd felt too numb to acknowledge him before he'd spoken. Even now, she found she was unable to look at or speak to him, and instead fixated her gaze on the carving of Lord Fourth. She wondered if even Minato Namikaze had held fast to dark secrets despite his charming innocence.

She'd had to face Lord Third a few times since her misadventure with Kakashi, but she'd kept a tight, respectful manner that was unlike her. She'd always shown him respect, but the coldness of her interactions with him was atypical.

He'd noticed, of course.

She felt tense as he stood beside her, his own eyes fixed on the monument rather than resting expectantly on her. He let the silence drag on, appearing not to mind—or to even feel—the tension in the air between them. Reason told her he was well aware of it. The man was incredibly perceptive (not that Anko was doing a great job of hiding it in the first place).

"I sense there is much on your mind. Is there something you wish to tell me, Anko?" he said, his tone ever quiet and patient.

Turning her head almost imperceptibly, she averted her eyes somewhere off to her other side. She didn't answer him, and she wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't, or because she didn't want to. Maybe both.

He'd sought her out, that much was certain. He'd noticed her change in behavior and wanted her to know it. At the moment, she was not able to enter a discussion. All she could do was will him to _go away_.

He didn't sound at all put out when he finally said, "You know I'm here whenever you wish to talk."

When he did at last turn and shuffle back the way he'd come, the relief she'd expected to wash over her in his absence never came.

Standing before the Memorial Stone one oddly dark, and morning, Anko felt the bitterness and paranoia grow stronger. How many of the heroes honored by this stone had sacrificed themselves, and how many had simply been sacrificed? What was the content of each of their stories? Again, did she even want to know?

With a growl of confusion, frustration, and anger, she turned to leave the stone behind, but she gasped and took a step back upon almost colliding with someone.

"Kakashi."

His face appeared blank, though she got the distinct impression that he was quickly studying her.

"I don't usually find you here," he noted flatly.

"I was just leaving," she said, stepping around him.

"You haven't come to grips with it yet, have you?"

Anko stopped in her tracks, and for a long time, they stood like that, back to back and several feet apart. To turn around would mean engaging in what she wasn't sure she was ready to fully admit. But he didn't move, and she could feel the space between them taunting her, daring her to fully confront what she'd been wrestling with for weeks.

"How can I?" she said at last, not daring to move.

"There is no single point at which our innocence is lost. We shed it in stages, some more violent and tumultuous than others. No one ever wants to lose it, and the process is always painful.

"But we can't deny the truth—the reality—as much as it hurts. We just have to reconcile it, to accept it, and to move on."

"Is that what you've done?"

A chill ran through her at his silence, and she understood that Kakashi had no innocence left, and that he'd accepted the cold, unforgiving reality entirely.

The ache she felt for him in that moment made her realize that her own hope and innocence had not been completely erased, even in the face of such painful revelations.

At last, she rounded on her heel to face him. "I just don't understand," she stated, but her words were almost a plea for an answer to her unspoken question of, "Why?"

"It's not our place to know."

Anko marched toward him, stopping just behind his left shoulder. "You're just as much a part of this village as I am. Don't you care?"

"Of course I care."

"That man is a criminal!" she said with vehemence. "And if Lord Hokage knows that and chooses to overlook it, then that means—"

"No."

Kakashi faced her, and despite the hardness in his tone when he spoke that one word, his expression conveyed a patience and a wisdom beyond his years.

"As Shinobi, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do; things that go against our very nature. Being the Hokage means that there is a greater responsibility to make those tough decisions and to choose the lesser of the two evils."

"But Danzo—"

"I don't like him either…" Kakashi confessed. "But there must be a good reason for keeping him in the service of the village."

Anko couldn't possibly fathom what use a traitor could be to the Hidden Leaf. Kakashi saw the struggle in her strained expression and continued.

"Lord Third _literally_ holds _my_ life in his hands…and I trust him completely."

"And if he purposefully sends you to your death?" she challenged.

Something flickered in Kakashi's eyes. Weariness? Resignation? Desperation?

"Then I'll know my sacrifice was for the good of the village," he said simply, turning to face the stone so that Anko could no longer see the emotions in his eyes.

It wasn't easy to trust Kakashi's words when it was evident that the tragedies in his own life skewed his view of the world and what it meant to live in it. His thoughts on the subject were not objective enough to satisfy her. Instead, she found herself contemplating further the indisputably necessary presence of darkness to balance out the light.

However, what did get her wheels spinning in a different direction was the idea that Kakashi trusted the Third Hokage entirely. The boy who found it so hard to connect with and to trust others willingly put his faith in Lord Third. Didn't that alone say something incredible about the old man she had looked up to for guidance?

Perhaps it was time for her to stop thinking herself deeper into bitterness and mistrust, and instead to listen.

Standing outside the Memorial Room, Anko hesitated in opening the door. She knew he was there, but she felt so conflicted and wasn't sure she was really ready to confront him. Gathering her courage, she slowly lifted her hand and pushed aside the Shoji screen. The room beyond was nearly dark, the sun's light hidden behind the clouds barely penetrating glass panes of the windows. Silently pulling the screen closed behind her, she found herself frozen in place, her eyes on the back of his head as he sat on the sofa in front of the portraits of the Hokages.

"It's alright, Anko," he said without even looking back to see who had entered.

"B-but how did—?"

"I've been anticipating your visit for some time. Come."

Her legs felt stiff and heavy as she moved them, wandering around the room until she stood at the end of the sofa opposite him. Without a word, he patted the cushion beside him, and she accepted his silent invitation.

"What's troubling you, my child?"

When she couldn't find the words to speak, he didn't pressure her. Rather, he sat in an effortless, patient silence, allowing her to take the time necessary to gather her words and her courage.

That familiar, understanding air he had about him suddenly made Anko feel guilty, for hiding the truth from him and for thinking ill of him all this time. She had to come forward and admit her thoughts and actions to him, and pray that he would be merciful.

"Lord Hokage, I… I should have told you sooner, but I… I discovered Lord Orochimaru's former hideout, and I couldn't help myself. I had to see it, to try to fill in the gaps in my memory—"

"Yes, I'm well aware," he said, stopping her gently before she began to ramble.

Anko looked at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. "How—?"

"I may be getting old, but I'm not losing my faculties. I had a feeling you would find it, if you hadn't already, and when Kakashi reported to me, I could tell that there was something he was omitting from his report. Then there was a startling change in your behavior, and I could easily put two and two together."

Horrified and afraid, Anko leapt from the sofa and dropped to her hands and knees before him, bowing her head to the floor as she pleaded.

"Lord Hokage, please don't punish Kakashi. It was all my fault. He tried to get me to leave it alone, but I wouldn't listen. He was only trying to protect me—"

Hiruzen lifted his hand to silence her.

"It's okay, Anko. Kakashi isn't in any trouble, and neither are you."

She lifted her head and stared up at him in surprise.

"Sit back down. You've nothing to be afraid of."

Not understanding, she obeyed, the guilt continuing to eat away at her as his mercy left her speechless.

"When Orochimaru's former hideout was discovered, I wondered if you'd already stumbled across it. I hoped you hadn't, and that until we could investigate its contents, you would remain ignorant of its existence. Once it was deemed safe, I had planned to ask if you wanted me to guide you through it, to see if it would unlock some of the memories that had been lost to you.

"I should have been upfront with you right from the start, and for that I am sorry. It seems whatever you found there has left you shaken."

Anko dropped her eyes to the floor as she remembered her trip into that place. "I knew, but I guess I never really understood… As long as I didn't see it, a part of me could still deny it had ever happened…"

"But it did happen, and you were not to blame. Once again, your involvement with Orochimaru was my own failure. I hadn't seen—hadn't wanted to see—, and in my ignorance, I failed to keep you away from him. My fondness for my former student left me in denial of what he was truly capable of. You suffered because of my foolishness. It is I who should be begging for your forgiveness."

"I guess we all make mistakes…"

"Indeed."

Her fondness for the Third Hokage was returning with his mercy, his confession, and his humility as he took responsibility for not stopping Orochimaru when he'd had the chance. He was only human, after all, and his thoughts and actions, like hers, were molded by his emotions. One could only be so objective.

What if he was making a mistake in trusting Danzo? Despite her recent anger and confusion, maybe Kakashi was right and Lord Third was trying to do what was best for the village by keeping Danzo around for one reason or another?

"Lord Hokage…there's something else…"

Again, he waited patiently for her to continue.

"While I was there, I remembered something. I think…Lord Danzo was working with Orochimaru all along."

"I have suspected that was the case for quite some time, yet I never had any concrete evidence. He was not found the day we discovered Orochimaru's other lab."

"But if you have reason to suspect that he was, then why—?"

"Why do I allow him to remain in a position of power and authority?"

"…Yes."

"Because…without that concrete evidence, there is nothing I can do to punish him for whatever crimes he may have committed. As such, I'd rather leave him where I can watch him closely. He's always desired power, but I also can't deny that most of the views he holds and the decisions he makes are based on preserving the Hidden Leaf Village, though he and I differ greatly in our approaches."

"But Lord Hokage," she protested, no longer proceeding with caution. "Lord Danzo threatened Kakashi's life! Kakashi answers directly to you, doesn't he? Isn't that also a form of treason?"

"I am well aware, and you would be correct. However, much to my own frustration, I find he is too invaluable to remove. But rest assured, Danzo's freedom has now been severely limited after his attempt on Kakashi's life, as well as his attempt to undermine me.

"It may be unfortunate, but sometimes we are forced to choose between two unfavorable outcomes. It is not easy, and believe me, I worry every day that perhaps I've made the wrong choices. I've already admitted a few of those poor decisions to you, and I alone am responsible for their tragic outcomes. As you've already said, we all make mistakes. However, we don't mean to make them. We choose the alternative that appears to us to be the best at the time, and we hope we chose wisely."

How could she argue with that? She could feel his remorse for the mistakes he'd already made, and it was surprisingly easy to forgive him because of his sincerity. Yet, he was fully aware of the weight that rested on his aged shoulders, and he bore it with honor, courage, and a strong sense of responsibility. How could she not trust him to do his best to make the right choices? What would she have done if she'd been in his shoes? And what was more important? The fate of a few, or the fate of the many? It was unfair to place the wellbeing of so many people and an entire way of life on the shoulders of one man, wasn't it?

And wasn't it also unfair for Anko to judge him because he was expected to make those difficult choices?

"I'm sorry I doubted you, Lord Hokage."

"There is no need to apologize. I doubt myself all the time. I only hope that now you know you may come and talk with me when you have concerns."

"Yes, Sir," she said, all of the hurt, the frustration, and the anger falling away entirely. For the first time in weeks, she felt some semblance of peace, her trust and faith in the Hokage and in the village restored.

X-X-X

"You were right," she said as she pulled up beside Kakashi as he walked down the quieter street past the Academy.

"Was I? About what?"

"I was stupid to doubt him."

"I don't believe I ever used that term," he countered.

"No, but it's true. I should have had more faith in Lord Third."

Kakashi stopped, and she followed suit. "You spoke to him then?"

"I did." After a brief pause, she said, "He knows."

Kakashi looked at her, surprised.

"He's not mad, and you're not in trouble." She returned his gaze. "Trust is a two-way street, it seems. If he trusts you, then why don't you trust yourself? Clearly you're capable of doing the right thing."

He faced forward again and didn't answer. Instead, all he said was, "I thought we were discussing Lord Third."

She sighed. "Kakashi—"

"Kakashi."

Another ANBU agent came up behind them, and the pair turned toward the newcomer. Kakashi looked between Anko and the other ANBU.

"Anko, this is Kinoe," he said, his eyes meeting hers. "He's on my team now." An understanding passed between them before Anko looked to Kinoe.

"It's nice to meet you," she said.

"Uh…hi. Anko, is it?"

She nodded.

"My apologies. I didn't mean to intrude… You were speaking of Lord Third?"

"We were. You're not interrupting."

"I see. H-he's a good man. I've never known anyone like him."

Her brows furrowed. "Really?"

"Yes. He saved my life… I'll always be grateful to him."

Although Anko _couldn't_ ask, she didn't have to. The pieces fell into place, and she understood all she needed to.

"You know what, Kinoe?" she said, looking up at the Hokages' Monument. "In a way, he saved my life, too."

X-X-X

Upon approaching the Third training ground, Anko found Kurenai leaning against one of the posts, watching a two-on-two battle between the Guy and Gemna, and Asuma and Raido. She propped her elbow up on the post behind her friend.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Just some sparring practice."

"Why aren't you out there kicking their butts?"

Kurenai shrugged with a smile. "Well, three-on-two hardly seemed fair. You seem to be in better spirits today."

The sun was shining and the air was warm. "I just needed to figure something out, that's all."

"I'm glad you did. You were starting to worry me."

"I would have thought you'd be used to my moods by now," Anko joked.

Her friend frowned. "You're not really the type to get moody just for the heck of it. If you're upset, I know there's probably a good reason for it." She glanced at Anko from the corner of her eye and lowered her voice. "Was it about Kakashi again?"

Anko shook her head and sighed. "No, but I don't think I'll ever get to the bottom of that mystery… Just when I think I understand something about him, he throws another curve ball."

He did indeed have a heart. She'd seen it firsthand multiple times now. Yet it seemed that something was still holding him back, and he tried for the most part to pretend that he was emotionally unmovable.

Kurenai chuckled. "What good would another warning do? You'll keep following the thread, trying to unravel him anyway."

Anko stepped away and turned to face her with a grin. "Yeah, but you know what they say: the best things are worth fighting for."

"So…you did discover something after all."

"Maybe. Since the numbers are even now, what do you say we join in the fight instead of standing on the sidelines?"

With an excited smile, Kurenai stood straight with a nod. "Finally!"

"Hey idiots!" Anko shouted.

The boys stopped and turned toward her in confusion.

"What do you want?" demanded Genma.

"What do you think we want? We want to fight!"

"That's right. We'd like to do more than stand around and look good," said Kurenai.

"But you're so good at it," teased Asuma.

Kurenai blushed, and Anko rolled her eyes before pushing Kurenai over to his team while she joined Guy and Gemna.

"Hey, we didn't get to pick?" Genma protested.

"Shut up and put up!"

Guy laughed. "Nice to have you on the team! We'll win for sure now!"

"Don't count us out," said Kurenai, exchanging looks with her teammates.

"Hey Genma, don't hold us back, got it?" Anko threatened. He only gave an annoyed grunt in reply.

As she fought, her mind was preoccupied again, this time her thoughts returning to Kakashi. One would have thought he'd be a distraction, but instead they made her fight harder.

When she'd been broken on more than one occasion, he'd been there to guide her back to the light. It wasn't like he set out to do so, but their paths crossed enough that he was there when she needed him. The interesting piece was that she hadn't sought him out. She hadn't wanted to seek him out for help. He just appeared whenever she was lost.

Yet despite all the times he'd given her a little push in the right direction, she'd never been able to do the same for him—and it wasn't for lack of trying.

Her resolve had never wavered, and it wasn't about to now. She'd be there with him, in spirit if nothing else, and one day he would see his worth. The conundrum was, how could she show it to him?

She glanced at Kurenai, who was working with Asuma to take down Genma. Although the two of them obviously had feelings for one another, they never admitted it out loud. Still, they worked together seamlessly, and no words _had_ to be spoken for the pair of them to understand their appreciation for one another.

As far as Anko could tell, Kakashi didn't appreciate her. Not that he thought she was worthless. It was simply that they ran in different circles, existed in different spheres, and followed different rules. They were unable to fight side-by-side the way Kurenai and Asuma could. And clearly Kakashi thought himself unworthy of others. Therefore, her attempts to show him his worth were met with stark denial. How could he appreciate her attempts to bolster him when he denied his own self-worth?

By the end of the battle, she thought she understood.

" _As Shinobi, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do; things that go against our very nature. Being the Hokage means that there is a greater responsibility to make those tough decisions and to choose the lesser of the two evils."_

Kakashi, as a member of the ANBU, reported directly to the Hokage, which meant he was only one step below Lord Third (two if one counted the Counsil members). How many times did Kakashi have to choose the lesser of two evils?

She thought again that perhaps being a member of the ANBU was doing Kakashi more harm than good. How could that kind of career possibly heal a fractured heart?

And then there was Kinoe… Anko frowned, looking past her friends to the river beyond the training ground. Kinoe was also a member of the ANBU, only he'd apparently worked for Danzo until recently. The fact that he'd admitted to never knowing anyone one like Lord Third in his life was concerning. The questions in her head only ran deeper. What exactly was it like to be in the ANBU, and what damage did it do to a person?

Kinoe, while friendly enough, had seemed stiff; rigid; restrained. There was no real emotion that emanated from him. Even with as cold as he was, Kakashi clearly felt _something._

And yet, whatever he did feel seemed to be in the process of being buried. Anko had caught glimpses of the heart within the tormented boy, but most of the time, he was still so cold.

Kurenai was right. She was far too invested not to keep pulling at that thread. Perhaps she could speak with Lord Third about it. Either way, Anko had to find a way to repay him and to help him regain his sense of self.

 **A/N:** I know this is still a bit slow, but it'll pick up again in the next chapter. I'm not sure if I'll do a time jump in next chapter or not, but whenever the time jump occurs, I think it'll be time for Itachi to enter the picture. Not entirely sure what I'm going to do with the end of that little segment when Itachi slaughters the Uchiha clan... I'll have to rewatch those episodes, because I never entirely understood why he was ordered to do that, but I'm still following the timeline for Kakashi's ANBU arc as closely as possible.

Man, wonder how difficult it will be to write Itachi... o.o Guess I'll find out.


	9. Chapter 9: Darkness and Deception

**A/N:** Hey guys, time for another time jump. Just an update on the ages:

Three years have passed. Anko is 18; Kakashi, Guy, Kurenai, etc. are 20; Ibiki is 21; Kinoe is 16; Itachi is, of course, 11. Since Idate was never given an age, I'm estimating him to be 8 years younger than Ibiki, putting him at 13. That also means that Ibiki already failed him once during the Chunin Exams, dooming him to be a Genin forever. That will be relevant later because… I love Ibiki for some reason and will use his story after this Itachi business is over. I think it's safe to say that all of the main characters are Jonin at this point.

 _Chapter Nine: Darkness and Deception_

 _Three years later._

The sun was high in the sky as Anko walked with her friends toward the village center. Guy was rambling on in his usual, eccentric way while she and Kurenai teased him for those eccentricities. Asuma, the far less mischievous member of the group, preferred to keep quiet, knowing that Guy didn't mind, but not feeling the need to jump in to tease him either.

Crossing the bridge, the four of them noticed a familiar figure leaning against the railing with his arms crossed. Anko's amused giggles died on her lips, as did Kurenai's.

"Hey. Kakashi," Guy called, lowering his voice as they got closer. "What's going on? You look so tired. Just finish a mission?"

He was right; Kakashi did look tired. Then again, he always appeared that way anymore.

"Don't be an idiot, Guy," said Kurenai. "You know that the ANBU aren't allowed to discuss their missions."

"That's how it goes," said Kakashi, not bothering with a greeting.

At times, Anko had known Kakashi to be almost friendly. Today, however, there was a hardness in his tone and in his expression that sunk her own mood.

Guy, as was typical of him, was unfazed by his friend's standoffishness. "Well anyway," he went on. "We're going out for sweet dumplings. You want to join us?"

Kakashi unfolded his arms and stepped away from the railing. "Sorry," he said, though the single word was rudely dismissive, making Anko frown in irritation. "I don't really like sweets."

He didn't utter a word of 'goodbye' as he left them.

"What's with him?"

"He's become so antisocial lately," said Asuma.

"Maybe because of the secrecy in the ANBU," Kurenai mused, though she was evidently as confused as Anko.

"No!" shouted Guy. "No way this will stand! Kakashi is my lifelong rival! He has a heart that is completely filled with burning passion! I guess it's up to me!"

The others stared blankly at him.

"Um…"

"…What's up to you?" asked Asuma.

"No time to explain," he replied, turning to head back in the direction from whence they'd come. "I'll catch up with you guys later! Gotta go!"

And off he went at a break-neck pace that was characteristic of the Green Beast.

"The hell is he doing?" asked Anko.

"Who knows?" sighed Kurenai. "Come on, there's no use waiting on him."

"Agreed," said Asuma.

With a lingering glance at the spot where Kakashi had vanished, Anko followed the others into town, where they met up with Genma and Raido at their usual spot. When asked about Guy, Kurenai informed them of their run-in with Kakashi, and how Guy had run off to who-knew-where. Genma and Raido only shrugged.

The group indulged their sweet teeth as they discussed the goings-on in the village and their most recent missions. An hour and half passed or so before their conversations were interrupted as Guy rejoined them.

"Hey, you're back," said Asuma. "Where'd you go, anyway?"

They each noted the rather dejected look on the usually excitable Jonin's face.

"Guy?" Kurenai asked when he took too long to respond, appearing lost in his own head.

"I went to talk to the Hokage."

"Why?" asked Anko.

"I…I begged him to let me into the ANBU!"

"What!?"

"Huh!?

"Are you serious!?"

"What did he say?"

"He said I wasn't suited for it!"

Anko sighed and leaned her elbow on the table, cheek in her palm, not at all surprised. "You don't say?"

"I'm sorry, Guy," said Kurenai.

"That's not what I thought you'd do, but kudos for trying," said Asuma.

"But there's more! On my way out from speaking with Lord Third, I ran into Lord Danzo."

That name made Anko's gut churn, and she narrowed her eyes as they waited for Guy to continue.

"And?" asked Genma.

"I begged him to let me into _his_ ANBU."

"Seriously?" said Anko.

"And his response was the same as Lord Third's, wasn't it?" Raido guessed.

"Yes, but… he also said I lacked it."

"Lacked what?"

"The ability to keep a secret?" asked Genma.

"No!"

"The ability to wear anything but green spandex?" asked Asuma.

"No!"

"The ability to keep quiet?" asked Anko.

"No! Be serious!"

"Then what?" asked Kurenai.

Guy hesitated before he finally said, "…Darkness."

The others frowned at him in silence.

"…Darkness?" Kurenai repeated.

"That's what he said."

"What does that mean?" asked Genma.

Raido seemed to ponder it, while Asuma looked down at the table in thought. Anko looked away and closed her eyes.

"I don't know, but I refuse to believe Kakashi has it. He's a good guy!"

"I don't think Lord Danzo was trying to imply that those in the ANBU are bad," Kurenai pointed out.

"No, but think about it," said Asuma. "Kakashi's had so many tragedies in his life. We all know they've tainted his view on the world."

"Are we to believe that of all ANBU?" asked Genma skeptically. "That their views on the world have been marred by tragedy? Every single one of them?"

"That's not it," said Anko. They all turned to her, but she wasn't sure that she could elaborate.

The tragedy in Kakashi's life did indeed play a role in fostering that darkness within him. Some people had that darkness already. Others needed a bit more manipulation to get there. Anko suspected that that was what had happened to Kakashi. She had no proof, but since it appeared as though he underwent several changes in the ANBU, she hypothesized that his unresolved trauma and total loss of innocence made it easier for him to be mentally pushed and pulled to do what was necessary under the orders of Lord Third and Danzo.

"Well, are you going to enlighten us, or what?" asked Guy when she didn't offer an explanation.

She sighed through her nose. "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

He friends glanced at one another in silence. Knowing it wasn't wise to push her, they didn't. Guy finally took a seat and ordered his usual, but he hardly touched the dumplings he loved so much.

Several days later, Guy found Anko as she wandered the village one morning. When he called out to her, she didn't bother to slow her pace for him, knowing he'd catch up with her easily.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Hm. Well you know, I've been thinking…about what you said the other day."

"What did I say?"

"You seemed to imply something about Kakashi…and I was just wondering if you know something I don't."

She stopped, and he came to a halt beside her. She turned to look at him with a raised brow.

"Guy, I doubt I know any more than you do. All I know is what I see."

"And what do you see?" he hedged.

She shook her head. "I don't know how to say it without it sounding…wrong."

"Just try. I want to hear what you think."

He was in one of his ultra-serious moods, and she regarded him in sincere contemplation.

"I can't deny," she finally said, "that if his reputation as an elite member of the ANBU is true, then it's likely because he views his job as his only lot in life. He's dedicated to this village and to protecting his friends… _no matter the cost_."

"I know the ANBU is an organization that operates under secrecy, and I can see why it has to. But to say one needs to possess darkness to be in it? How does that make sense?"

"To be honest, I don't think we really want the answer to that question," she said, willing him to drop the subject.

"But—"

"Anko! Guy!"

Idate was running toward them, much to Anko's surprise until she remembered that he'd been hired as a sprinter. Which meant that either one or both of them was being summoned by the Hokage.

When the boy reached them, he bowed respectfully. "Sorry to intrude, but Lord Third has sent for the two of you. He requests that you meet with him and the Counsil at once."

"Me and her?" asked Guy, hooking a thumb at Anko.

"Yes, that's correct."

The two Jonin glanced at one another at the odd request. Anko turned back to the Genin.

"Thanks Idate. We'll head there right away."

"If you're being sent out on a mission, I'll let my brother know."

"I appreciate it. Oh, and Idate?"

"…Yeah?"

"Try to get along while I'm gone, will you?"

Idate averted his gaze, but said nothing as the Anko and Guy made their way to the Mission Assignment Desk.

X-X-X

"It's a covert exchange with the Land of Woods' HANYA Black Ops. The Hidden Leaf will hand them this scroll, and in return we will accept a scroll from them."

Anko and the two Chunin assigned to this mission watched as Guy stepped forward to pick up the scroll they were to exchange.

"Should we verify the contents?" Guy asked.

"This is a test of mutual trust between our two lands," stated the Hokage. "So…if they hand you a fake scroll, then it will prove that the Land of Woods has no interest in an alliance with the Hidden Leaf."

"That means, if nothing happens, we just bring back the scroll. Correct?"

"Yes. Presently, there are no hostilities between us and the Land of Woods, but we cannot be certain it will remain so. Be very careful."

"On it!" replied Guy with a thumbs up.

"I can't believe you're my captain for this mission," grumbled Anko as they headed to the village gate an hour later.

"I can't believe it took this long for the two of us to work together!" he boomed.

"It's too soon, if you ask me…"

"Ok everyone!" said Guy, turning to his team once they'd reached the gate. "Time to fire up your youthful passion! Now, let's go!"

"Uh…Captain, wait!" said Jet as he and Ito ran after their overzealous leader.

Anko sighed, following after them with far less vigor. "This ought to be interesting…"

Guy wasn't quite as obnoxious as Anko had originally thought he'd be. Thankfully, despite his gung-ho nature, he proved to be a rational, level-headed, and appropriately serious captain, and Anko was pleasantly surprised.

When they stopped for lunch and an opportunity to rest the next day, she offered to do the honors and made a hearty soup to last them the rest of the day.

"Wow, Anko, this is really good," said Ito as he greedily ate his portion.

"Yeah, I had no idea you could cook!" said Guy. "Didn't really seem like the type."

"Ah, it's nothing," she said with a smile. "I used to cook a lot with my…" The smile faded and she mentally shook herself. "Anyway, help yourself to more if you want."

"Make sure that you eat up and replenish your energy and chakra, everyone," said Guy as he stuffed his face.

"Uh, Captain?" Jet began. "Is it wise to have a fire out in the open like this? Aren't we announcing our presence?"

"Yeah, what if the enemy sees and attacks us?"

Guy finished off his bowl, lowering it before replying thoughtfully. "Well, if they want to attack us, then so be it. My hunch tells me this mission's really a provocation to clear up whether they're really friend or foe."

"I was thinking the same," said Anko. "I can spot coded words, and Lord Third was definitely using them when he assigned this mission to the four of us."

"What do you mean?" asked Jet.

"Think about it. If this was a simple mission to exchange scrolls, there would be no question of trust. Why bring it up at all? There's something else going on here, and I think Guy hit the nail on the head."

Guy had the audacity to look embarrassed. "Ah, stop! It's just a guess."

"A good one." She glanced up at the sky to assess the position of the sun. "Do you think we should get going, Captain?"

Guy followed her gaze and nodded. "Yes, definitely. It's only another hour to the rendezvous point, and we still have the trip home."

The four of them helped repack the supplies and put out the fire before they headed off again. Ever since they'd left the village, Anko had had an odd feeling that they were being followed. Perhaps she was paranoid (admittedly her nature was to be suspicious after the betrayal of her former Sensei), but she couldn't shake it.

Lagging behind on purpose, she kept her ears open for any sounds that may have been out of the ordinary, but she heard none. Still…

Whirling, quick as the strike of a snake, she chucked three shurriken into the branches of a tree some distance behind her. She narrowed her eyes when several seconds passed without a sound. She thought she saw a flash of red, and suddenly the pieces clicked into place.

What luck—or misfortune. If _he_ was there, that could only mean that Anko and the others were likely headed for a trap. The question was, who would be caught in the net?

Resuming the trek, Anko felt simultaneously confident and uneasy. Kakashi's presence was likely a safeguard for her and Guy's team, and Anko trusted him with her life, but it made her nervous.

At last, they reached the rendezvous point, and it appeared that they were the first to arrive. Upon taking a closer look, however, they noticed four figures emerging from their hiding spot within a cave. They approached until the one that was obviously the leader stood before Guy.

"Are you with the Land of Woods' HANYA Black Ops?"

"Indeed we are," came a woman's voice. "Now hand over the scroll."

"Fine, together—"

"You first."

Anko glanced around, on high alert as Guy withdrew their scroll from his vest.

"Very well then."

He handed it over, and the devil-masked woman took it without a word, unraveling it to view its contents. Anko could feel the tension in the air, and she could tell that the Chunin that flanked her were uncomfortable.

"There's no mistake…" came the woman's voice again.

"And where is your scroll?" Guy demanded.

"Here," she said, holding another one out to him.

He barely reached out to take it before he and Anko made the same observation. It was a trap after all, and the scroll in her hand was a high-explosive paper bomb.

"Guy!" she shouted as he lifted a leg to kick it out of the enemy's hand and into the air where it exploded with a flash.

"We're supposed to exchange scrolls, not fire," Guy only half-joked.

The HANYA Black Ops leapt back and ascended the cliff behind them, where they were joined by several others.

"The Leaf has re-nigged on our agreement and attacked us. We shall seek retribution."

"That's just a bold-faced lie!" Guy shouted with an accusatory finger. "You broke our agreement! It was _you_!"

Their enemies only laughed.

Jet and Ito were clearly surprised. "Captain, they—"

"Heh, they planned to betray us from the start."

"Just as I thought they would," said Anko. "Dirty rats…" She gasped as Kakashi and another ANBU she didn't recognize leapt in front of them.

"We'll take over," said the one that remained nameless to Anko.

"You all get away," Kakashi commanded.

"You guys!?" exclaimed Guy.

"Earth Style, Rock Collapse!" shouted the Land of Woods ninjas. Part of the cliff broke into pieces, rushing toward them.

"Earth Style, Mud Wall!" Kakashi countered. True to its name, the jutsu created an earthen wall with dog heads etched into it to stop the rock slide.

Guy turned to his teammates. "You three, get out of here!"

"Right!" said Jet and Ito in unison.

Anko stood her ground. "Are you kidding me? I'm not going to run away like a coward!"

"I'm not calling you a coward, I just don't want you to get hurt!"

"Are you saying I can't handle this?"

"Rumor has it," said Kakashi's partner, looking directly at the Copy Ninja and paying no attention to the small squabble behind them. "You'd kill a comrade for the sake of a mission."

Anko's last retort never left her mouth upon hearing such an accusation. Was that how the others in the ANBU talked about Kakashi?

"I'd never let my friends get killed," Kakashi countered, his tone cold, and yet clearly conveying something of importance to his new teammate. "That's why I was entrusted with this Sharringan." He stood and looked to Guy and Anko. "You go, too."

"Like I'd ever turn my back on a mission!" said Guy.

"Didn't you hear a word I just said?" Anko added in outrage.

"Earth Style, Rock Collapse!"

More earth crumbled from the rock face and barreled toward the Leaf Shinobi.

"Eight Inner Gates, Fifth Gate of Closing—open!" Leaping into action, Guy bounded from one rock to another, ascending the cliff face toward the enemy.

"All that with just Tai Jutsu…" said Kakashi's partner in wonder.

"Admire him later," said the ANBU Captain.

Anko growled. She wasn't about to be shown up by Guy. Trailing him with her own brand of speed and agility, she traversed the falling boulders, following him to the top.

Guy had already knocked out two of the HANYA Black Ops, and Anko aimed her shurriken for a third as she came up behind him.

Kakashi and his partner joined the fray, Kakashi's Lightning Blade blazing to take down a fourth without hesitation. The speed and efficiency of the blow stunned Anko.

"Retreat. Retreat!" called the enemy's leader as she and the two next to her turned tail to run from the ANBU agents.

Anko stopped another from following with a fist to the gut, and she turned back in time to see that the HANYA Black Ops had been tricked with the use of Shadow Clones. The real Kakashi and his younger partner had headed off the enemies. The young one threw shurriken that downed the two flanking the leader before Kakashi charged forward again with his Lightning Blade.

While Guy was finishing off the last few enemies, Anko stood frozen in place as she watched deliver the final blow to the leader.

She'd known—had seen firsthand—how powerful that jutsu was. And yet, to see it used to tear through human flesh and bone before she could even blink made her blood run cold. He hadn't even flinched, and he didn't appear to care about the blood on his hands as he reached to extract the real scroll from the coat on the corpse at his feet.

He moved to take the scroll to Guy, pausing in front of Anko. It was difficult to see his eyes behind the black holes of his ANBU mask, but she saw a flash of red and knew he was looking straight at her. The empty face of that mask seemed to challenge her to accept _it_ instead of the face of the man who wore it.

He passed her, holding the scroll out to Guy. "Your mission is complete now. Return to the village," he commanded.

Guy took it with a small smile, not having witnessed Kakashi take down two enemies with his Lightning Blade. His attention was drawn away from Kakashi and the scroll when he heard the sound of a blade and a scream echoing from his left. Anko's eyes darted toward the sound as well, and she was horrified to watch Kakashi's partner fatally stab the HANYA Black Ops who had simply been knocked out or rendered incapable of fighting.

"Hey, what are you doing!?" Guy demanded.

"This is our mission." They both looked to the Copy Ninja, who had turned away in cold indifference.

"Even if that's true, stop this, Kakashi!"

"Hey, only an idiot calls someone by their real name on an ANBU mission," he growled.

"What's that matter now?" said Anko, snapping out of her shock. "You're killing them all anyway."

"And how do you know there aren't others watching us, gathering intel?" Kakashi challenged. She had no answer.

Guy looked at Kakashi as though he'd been betrayed. "How can you—?" He was cut off by another scream, and he hesitated to turn to face the other ANBU that came up beside him.

"Rest assured, Captain. The enemy has been neutralized," came his far too innocent voice. He sounded like a child.

Both Guy and Anko glanced down at the blood on the young ANBU's hands and blade. Their eyes followed the boy as he moved to stand next to Kakashi, Anko stepping back toward Guy. He did a far less admirable job shielding his shock.

Those masks continued to challenge them, shrouded as they were in shadow as the sun stood at their backs. The wind whipped across the valley as the four of them stood there in the tense silence.

"Go," Kakashi said at last.

Seeing that Guy was about to protest, Anko placed a hand on his arm, her head bent in resignation. "Don't. We have to get this scroll back to the village. That's what we came for."

She felt his muscles clench beneath her hand as he battled himself inside his own head. He, too, resigned, the tension leaving his body in defeat.

"You're right. Let's go find the others and head back."

She released him, and turned on her heel. After a few seconds, Guy followed her. Together, they descended the cliff to round up their teammates, leaving the ANBU agents to dispose of the evidence of their mission so that no one could accuse the Leaf of betraying the Land of Woods.

The trip back to the village was filled with mostly by an awkward silence. Jet and Ito had asked what had happened, to which Guy had replied with the minimal amount of information necessary to fill them in. They apologized for not being of any help. Guy dismissed their apologies, stating they were better off not dead.

The two Chunin stayed quiet after that, feeling the heaviness in the air around them. Anko almost wished they would speak. She didn't want to stay in her own head anymore. All she could see was Kakashi's mask, and those dark holes where his eyes hid. Cold. Empty. Callous. Lifeless. Almost soulless.

She knew he wasn't any of those things, but that mask he wore only served to hide Kakashi's humanity. She'd never thought about the power of anonymity before, but suddenly it was startlingly clear. It wasn't just to protect their identities; it was to cover up all inhibitions and turn them into weapons.

It made her so sick, she wanted to throw up her lunch.

Glancing sideways at Guy, she could practically see his wheels turning in the same direction. It looked as though the harsh reality was even harder for him to digest, and Anko was even more disheartened by his utter lack of optimism when looking on the bright side was so characteristic of the eccentric Green Beast.

Just when she thought she'd gotten to the bottom of the mystery that was Kakashi, she found that it went far deeper than she could have imagined. Did Kakashi realize he was being used and abused? Did he care? Anko had come to accept the necessity of the dark underbelly of the village, but that didn't mean she had to like what it did to the ones she loved.

X-X-X

"Yes, I see," said Lord Third after Guy had given him the full mission report.. "That was nicely done."

"Lord Third," said Guy. "I get why you told me that the ANBU wasn't suited for me."

Anko stood just behind him, glancing between Guy and the Third Hokage.

"I understand," said Hiruzen.

"But that's not all! Because I don't believe that Kakashi is suited for the ANBU either!"

Anko blinked in surprise at Guy's proclamation, but quickly recovered, looking at the pair seriously.

"…Is that so?"

"Yes. He's no longer the Kakashi I remember!"

"I respect you for your inspiring positivity, Guy. However, I'm afraid you don't understand the ANBU, and frankly you don't need to."

"I want to know what it's done to my friend and rival! It's not right! Can't you see that?" he demanded, slamming his hands onto the table between them.

Hiruzen was not at all surprised or fazed by Guy's vehemence. Instead, his eyes shifted to Anko.

"Do you share his opinion?"

Anko glanced again at Guy, who was shaking in his anger and frustration. She recalled those few times when Kakashi had allowed her to see a glimpse into his heart and mind. She recalled his vulnerability and his sadness. His weariness. That image of him did not match what she'd seen today.

Meeting the eyes of the Third Hokage, she stated, "Yes, Sir. I do."

He seemed to sigh, folding his hands in front of his face. "I thank you both for your honesty, and I can see where you're coming from. You're right. Kakashi is too good for the ANBU. But he is one of the best, and I cannot afford to release him from his duties. Please understand that he is crucial to the safety and security of this village."

"But Lord Third—"Guy began to protest.

The Hokage held up his hand to silence the Jonin. "I'm sorry, Guy, but my word is final."

Guy appeared agitated as the two of them walked out of the building, as though he couldn't accept the Third Hokage's decision. Anko, too, had a hard time accepting it. To see Kakashi free of the burden of the ANBU would be cause for celebration, but she also understood that he was essential in his current position. She got the sense that Lord Third trusted Kakashi above all others under his command.

"I can't believe this," said Guy.

"We've got to trust that Lord Third knows what's best."

"It's not that I don't trust him, it's just… It's so hard to see Kakashi that way."

"Yeah."

He stopped and raised his clenched fist in determination. "Well I'm not giving up on him! I can't stand the coldness. I know there's a heart of burning passion in there somewhere, and I swear I won't let it burn out!"

The pair of them now looked out over the village from the top of the Monument, the sun beginning to wane in the sky.

"No one's giving up on him, Guy. I promise." She began to walk away, and he watched her until she called back. "Are you coming, or not?"

X-X-X

An odd silence reigned save for the sound of the evening breeze as they found him, standing before the Memorial Stone. For a moment, they said nothing, respecting his need for quiet solitude. At last, Guy spoke up, announcing their presence.

"Hey, Kakashi."

The ANBU's shoulders seemed to slump. "I'm sorry about…what happened on the mission," he said.

The pain in his voice was hard to hear, but it was there.

"No, we're sorry," said Guy.

"What are you sorry for?"

"We're sorry that you have to carry such a heavy burden. It's not fair…"

"That's life…"

Anko stepped forward, reaching for him with a tentative hand, but stopped short of actually touching him.

"Kakashi… You don't have to face it all alone. You have friends that care about you…"

Her fingers barely brushed against his shoulder before he turned to face them and Anko pulled her hand away.

"I appreciate your concern, but the burden is mine to carry, not yours."

She wanted to shout at him, to tell him that he wasn't the only one carrying that burden. The ones who loved him carried the heavy burden of watching him suffer, and worse, they weren't able to do anything to alleviate his suffering. She knew she was doing a terrible job of keeping the emotions from her face. She could feel them marring her expression. There was hurt and anger and sadness and empathy. There was frustration and rebellion as she looked into Kakashi's eyes for the first time that day—his real eyes—and saw the humanity that lay beneath them, far different than the deadness of the mask she'd faced on the battlefield.

His eyes shifted to Guy in silent communication. Guy moved to Anko's side and placed a hand on her shoulder, as though telling her that now was not the time.

Though she didn't like it, she understood. They let him pass, the three of them saying not a word more. When he was gone, Anko let her head fall forward.

"He's going to keep going until he dies, isn't he?"

Guy moved his arm around her shoulders. "Don't worry. We won't let that happen.

"How are we supposed to stop it?"

Guy grinned down at her. "Like you said, by not giving up on him."

"How are you so positive all the time?"

"Easy," he said, moving in front of her and giving her a thumbs up. "Kakashi's my eternal rival, remember? If he wants to be pessimistic, well I'll battle that pessimism with vigorous optimism!"

She stared back at him with raised eyebrows. "…You're weird. But I have to admit, I admire your determination…"

His grin only grew wider.

 **A/N:** In case you're wondering, I figured why reinvent the wheel? I just replaced that old guy with Anko for this mission. Not sure what that guy's purpose even was other than making food. And the Chunin were pretty useless…but I kept them there. I'm assuming they were Chunin because they didn't seem to be of much help, but they were wearing the green vests, so…they're not Genin? Oh well, whatever.


	10. Chapter 10: The Book

_Chapter Ten: The Book_

It didn't take Anko long to learn that Kakashi's new teammate was an Uchiha. Not just any Uchiha if the rumors were to be believed; the greatest prodigy the Uchiha Clan had ever known. Anko knew nothing else about him, though his presence among the ANBU confused her. There had been animosity between the Uchiha and the rest of the Hidden Leaf for years. She wondered why a member of that clan would be interested in the ANBU in the first place.

It didn't matter to her. She could only speculate so much about the clandestine nature of the Black Ops, yet she did wonder how Kakashi was getting along with his newest partner. As much as watching them murder the Land of Woods ninjas in cold blood still made her shudder, she had to admit that they'd worked flawlessly together.

Then there was that exchange in which Itachi had asked Kakashi if he would kill a comrade for the sake of a mission.

 _Was_ Kakashi a cold-blooded killer? Anko didn't know how to answer that. She'd watched him slaughter those Woods ninjas without so much as a flicker of hesitation. However, there had been such conviction in his reply to Itachi that he'd left his humanity intact. How could he balance that coldness with such heart?

The simple answer? That's what the ANBU demanded of him. More than that, she did not know.

After their mission to meet the HANYA Black Ops, Anko found Guy's presence more tolerable than before. Not that she'd disliked it, but he was a person who could easily get on one's nerves with his unrelenting eccentricities. However, their shared experience of mortification over the brutality of the ANBU, and thus the brutality of the work Kakashi was required to carry out, created a new understanding between them, as well as an air of higher mutual respect. Because of this, Anko found herself gravitating toward him rather than away—at least until he became far too unbearably obnoxious.

Although they were not permitted to speak about their mission to others since it did involve the ANBU, Guy couldn't resist telling their friends the bare minimum when they asked after his and Anko's oddly quiet, reflective behavior during the days following. Kurenai seemed disheartened while Asuma, Raido, and Genma looked uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure that I really want to hear the details," Raido commented.

"Nor am I," said Kurenai. "I've heard the rumors, the same as all of you, but…"

"He's not a killer," Anko defended with vehemence. "Maybe he has to be, but…"

"He doesn't like it," said Guy.

"I feel sorry for the guy," said Asuma, while Genma dropped his eyes to the floor as he chewed on his senbon in contemplation. The companions were at Asuma's place where they couldn't be overheard.

"I don't see how it would help his mental state," said Kurenai.

"My guess is it doesn't," said Guy.

Genma shrugged. "It stinks, sure, but there's nothing we can do about it. It's Kakashi's choice to stay in the ANBU. If it really bothered him that much, wouldn't he leave?"

"What are you suggesting?" asked Asuma.

"I dunno. Maybe he likes it…"

"No," said Anko without hesitation. "I don't think he does."

She and Guy exchanged a look of understanding, the others watching them in silence.

X-X-X

Kakashi was scarce once again. Anko only caught glimpses of him over the next several days, a graceful specter that ghosted through the village streets and across rooftops; the ever-faithful sentry at the cemetery and the Memorial Stone. Phantoms seemed an apt metaphor for the deadness of his existence, yet Anko still couldn't fully grasp the tragedy that was Kakashi's life, and how it contributed to the shadow of his former self that he'd become.

Walking back from her routine six-month med exam one afternoon, Anko found Kakashi alone, sitting on a shaded park bench. He had a book in his hand, his other arm propped behind his head. One leg was crossed over the other. She thought that perhaps she should simply keep walking, but as she grew closer, it became more difficult to resist the temptation just to say hello. She hadn't spoken to him since the night after their mission, and part of her was apprehensive to do so. However, her curiosity got the better of her when it became clear that he was so engrossed in his book that he didn't appear to notice her.

Cautiously, she veered off to the side, moving around to stand with her forearms resting on the back of the bench beside him.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey," he replied flatly, not removing his eyes from the pages of his book.

She noticed that the book was heavily marked, several of the pages dog-eared and passages underlined or highlighted. "What are you reading?" she asked in the hopes of making small conversation.

"Nothing really."

"I doubt that. You seem into it. So what is it?"

He sighed and slowly closed the book so that she could see the cover. Anko read the title and frowned.

" _How a Shinobi Should Die_?" She glanced at his face, but couldn't read the expression in his grey eye. Anko didn't know what she'd expected, but it hadn't been that. It only took a moment before she realized that the book seemed appropriate, considering its reader. "I take it that's not a fiction novel…"

"No. It's not."

She looked down at it again, wondering what was contained among its pages—what he found so important. She hesitated before speaking again.

"…May I—?"

Kakashi stood, replacing the book to his hip pouch. "I've got to go," he said, moving away from her as though being near her pained him.

There was no use going after him, and she didn't know what to say anyhow. Her hope for a small, but pleasant conversation had been dashed, and that sinking feeling returned. Did Kakashi wish for his own death on the battlefield?

Just then, watching him walk away from her was like watching a dead man.

She shook her head, not wanting to believe such a thing, but knowing it was entirely possible.

On her way through the village, she found her thoughts wandering back to that book, and to its contents. She wondered what words within its binding had rung true for Kakashi; what passages held the most meaning in his eyes. Switching directions, she knew there was only one way to attempt to find out. She couldn't resist the temptation to get inside his head, to know at least some of the thoughts of the mysterious ANBU who was a strange mixture of cold aloofness and a kind heart.

"You look like you're on a mission," said Kurenai, falling into step beside her. "Where are you off to?"

"The bookstore," she replied casually.

"Really? I didn't take you for a reader."

Anko grinned. "You're not wrong. Want to come?" she asked, knowing that unlike her, Kurenai did like to read.

The other woman shrugged. "Sure, why not? I could use a new book or two."

They reached the book shop as another customer was leaving. He held the door open for the pair, and they thanked him as they walked inside. Kurenai split from Anko, interested in different reading material. Anko hadn't caught the author of the book Kakashi had been reading, but she knew it would be in the nonfiction section that dealt with life as a Shinobi. It took her a while, but she finally managed to pull the right tome from its shelf, the cover, which donned a picture of a bloodied headband, unmistakable. She turned the book over to read the description on the back. Little was written, save for a few non-explanatory lines:

 _Certainty is a luxury not given to Shinobi. The_ only _certainty for us has always been death. It remains an ever-present, inevitable reality that we cannot escape. Yet, of utmost importance is how we choose to die, and how we live our lives up until the moment when we must embrace wholly the true meaning of self-sacrifice._

The words weren't comforting, but they said nothing that Anko didn't already know. All Shinobi knew that what was written on the back of this book was true. But most Shinobi didn't live like Kakashi, keeping the world around them at arm's length. Whatever was written within the pages of that particular book, it likely wasn't a philosophy of embracing life and love and friends, as the description seemed to suggest.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Kurenai asked.

"Yes, I did. What about you?"

The other woman smiled, holding up a novel. "I think I found something to occupy my more peaceful hours."

"You mean you have those? Lucky you!" Anko teased.

"Not very often, I assure you."

The each paid for their respective purchases, and together they left the shop. Anko flipped open her book and began to scan its contents.

"So, if you're not much for reading, what did you find that was so interesting?" Kurenai mused.

"It's called _How a Shinobi Should Die…_ " Anko replied absently.

Kurenai furrowed her brow and frowned, glancing at her friend. "Should I be concerned? What kind of a book is that?"

"That's what I'm hoping to find out."

"Alright, spill it. You're being entirely too vague. What are you up to, and why are you interested in a book with such a cryptic title?"

"If you must know."

"As your friend, yes, I must."

"Fine. Kakashi was reading it."

Kurenai audibly sighed. "I see." She paused. "You're hoping to get a glimpse into his thoughts."

"You don't understand," said Anko, closing the book. "I saw him with it. It was worn and heavily marked, as though he'd read it multiple times. As though it spoke to him. As though it was something he lived by. If it was merely a throw-away book, why would he bother rereading it? Marking it? Studying it?"

"I concede your point. However… I'm worried that you may not like what you find between those pages."

"I know I won't."

Kurenai glanced at her in surprise. Anko looked back at her friend with resolve in her eyes.

"But I have to know. I've struggled—we've all struggled to make him see that he has friends, people who care about him. Yet, nothing we do or say ever gets through to him, and we're left scratching our heads, wondering why. I don't expect this book to give me all the answers, but maybe it can lend a few insights. Maybe it can help us reach him."

They were standing face-to-face in the middle of the street now, Kurenai regarding her with a mixture of empathy, admiration, and worry.

"At times, you're quite rough around the edges. The way you torment the boys, it's like you're one of them. You often seem so care-free, and you can be quite obnoxious when you want to be."

Anko gave her a funny look. "I can't tell if you're complementing me or not…"

"I'm not insulting you. I just mean that…when it comes to Kakashi…you're different. Your strength and perseverance comes out in an entirely different way. Part of me still wants to warn you away from this path, but I know it wouldn't do any good."

"You're right. It wouldn't."

"You won't give up, will you?"

"You haven't. Guy, Asuma, Genma, Raido—none of them have given up."

"No… We haven't. I think we've…just run out of ideas. But I think you may be in a much better position to reach him. At least…that's my hope."

"I don't know about that. He doesn't want to be around me anymore than he wants to be around anyone else."

"Perhaps. Although, I think the two of you have more in common that the rest of us don't share." Kurenai touched the book in Anko's hands. "I'll leave it to you to enlighten us if you find anything of interest."

Returning home that evening, Anko gave a weary sigh upon hearing the two brothers arguing again in the kitchen. Closing the front door behind her, she dropped her bag beside the sofa and went to use the bathroom. By the time she was finished, Idate had stormed away from Ibiki, retreating to his room and slamming the door. She glanced into the kitchen to see Ibiki shaking his head and sitting down at the table.

Opting to simply leave him be, she returned to the living room, dug in her pack, and pulled out the book she'd bought. Anko climbed into the window seat, opened the book, and began to read, trading a tense and uncomfortable silence for a more haunting one as her eyes ate up each disheartening word written within its pages.

X-X-X

" _There is no glory in the life of a Shinobi. That is not our purpose. We are merely beasts of burden, set to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of those most deserving of survival. We are tools—weapons, just like any blade or mace. Of our own free will, we set aside civilian life to guard a world we once called ours._

" _Once. Used to be. Is no longer. We can no more lay down our swords and forsake our abilities anymore than we can erase history. Once our feet have fallen along the path of a Shinobi, there is no going back. Once we take up the mantle of becoming a ninja—once we cultivate our own strength and skills, our discipline and Jutsu, it is our duty not to waste our own potential._

" _War never ceases. In times of peace, war is always brewing. From the power-hungry king to the petty criminal—there are always forces that sow the seeds of conflict. To turn tail and run from the course we have chosen is to waste the resources our masters and mentors put effort into producing within us. The Shinobi cannot turn back. He cannot turn away. If he does, he is merely a coward, no better than trash to be thrown away._

" _For the coward who runs from battle and strife and hardship has made the decision in his mind to throw away those he swore to protect. The coward does not understand the true meaning of the nature of a Shinobi, and indeed is not deserving of the title._

" _The true Shinobi is not afraid of battle, of pain, of danger, or of death. He gives up his fears, along with the rest of those pesky thoughts and emotions that would only get in his way and prevent him from achieving the ultimate goal, which is self-sacrifice in the name of preserving the lives of those who continue to hope for a better world—a world where we are no longer needed._

" _Trapped are we, in this never-ending circle of hope and war; sweat and blood; life and death. We exist—we live—to die to keep the dreams of the innocent alive._

" _Our destiny is death, and it is that death in which our honor resides. To the civilian, the life of a Shinobi is one marred by the necessity to rid ourselves of what once made us civilized. And yet, as we shed our civility to become these beasts of burden, our humanity is preserved by remembering our purpose. We retain the capacity to be redeemed for the deeds we must carry out by determining our rightful end._

" _But not all Shinobi deaths are equal. For the weak, for the coward, for those who fail to harden themselves to the harsh reality they've entered, death can be viewed as mercy for the soul. Those weak souls have the ability to trick themselves and others into believing that they are sacrificing themselves for the sake of the innocent when what they actually achieve is the ultimate escape from the responsibility they never should have taken on in the first place._

" _The Shinobi's destiny is death, and the only honorable death for him is true self-sacrifice, a self-sacrifice that comes at a point where no other options exist. To sacrifice oneself before such time is not only an act of cowardice, but an act of treason: a waste of potential: the destruction of a valuable resource._

" _This is why the Shinobi must release himself from the shackles of civility by numbing himself to all irrational thoughts. He must think of his own survival, not because he holds any illusions of greater purpose, for he'd chosen to leave the world of hopes and dreams behind long ago. Instead, he must calculate the cost of his own end. Or rather, the end of his usefulness to those most in need of his fortitude."_

Slowly, Anko closed the book. The others kept their heads down as they took in the significance of the passage she'd read aloud to them. The silence between them was heavy, their ears numb to the noises outside the shop, lost in their own heads as they were.

"That's some pretty powerful stuff," said Asuma quietly.

The silence returned, broken only when Guy could no longer keep his thoughts to himself.

"What kind of twisted garbage is that?" he said angrily, his fists clenched where they rested on the table.

His friends looked at him in surprise.

"Sure, as Shinobi we know death is always a possibility, but to say that's all we're meant for?"

"That's not all, though," said Kurenai. "It goes deeper than that… Suddenly, Kakashi's behavior makes a lot more sense now…"

"What do you mean?" asked Genma.

"He knows how valuable he is to the village," said Asuma. "That's why he chooses to stay in the ANBU. Because he views himself as a weapon that we can't afford to lose."

"That's the only thing that keeps him alive…" mumbled Anko.

"What?" Guy blinked.

"He wants to die the same way his teammates did. The same way Minato-Sensei did. No doubt he view's Obito's death as tragic, but at the same time, he likely recognizes that Obito's Sharingan made Kakashi even more of an asset to the village. By giving his life when it's absolutely necessary, when no other options exist, he believes he'll be doing his duty to the Hidden Leaf."

"But there's an even more basic point here," said Anko, her voice hollow.

"Which is?" asked Guy.

Staring blankly ahead, Anko replied, "He _wants_ to die."

X-X-X

Sitting in the window by the light of the moon and the stars, Anko continued to read. The entire book was in the same vein as its introductory chapters, and it shed a new light (albeit a dim one) on the mind of the elusive ANBU with the mismatched eyes.

When she reached the end of the final paragraph on the last page, she closed the book and looked up at the night sky feeling weighted. Though she didn't buy into one word of it, she found herself sinking into the bleak void it created, the void in which she knew Kakashi's own mind resided.

The image of his face as he took off his mask came back to her, and she recalled the warm, calming sensation that had overtaken her as she looked into his slowly spinning Sharingan all those years ago. Maybe he tried to empty himself of all emotion, and rid himself of attachment. Maybe he attempted every day to convince himself he was nothing but a disposable pawn. Yet, Anko was aware that there was a deeper character hidden within him; an indomitable spirit; a compassionate heart; a gentle soul. If only he could see those things within himself. If only…

She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. He was there, behind her eyelids, his gaze unguarded. There was a kindness reflected in his expressive irises, and she let her mind slip into the peace that went along with it.

When next she opened her eyes, she glanced at the clock on a shelf across the room and noted that she'd dozed off for fifteen minutes or so. Climbing out of the window seat, she opened the drawer in the stand beside the couch and slipped the book inside. Then she clambered onto the sofa, pulled her blankets over her, and laid her head down on the pillow, where she gave way to her subconscious and was greeted with sorrowful dreams.

X-X-X

While she'd made it a point _not_ to seek him out since their mission, Anko now made it a point _to_ seek him out. She'd kept her thoughts to herself long enough, mulling them over until she couldn't stand them any longer. She needed to talk to Kakashi, for her sake as well as for his.

Predictably, she found him at the Memorial Stone, but stood back to watch from the tree line, respecting his ritual and what it meant to him. She waited patiently in the silence, the only sound that of the wind rustling the leaves on the trees and the bushes.

Anko saw his shoulders rise and fall with the deep breath he took before acknowledging her without turning around.

"What is it that you want?" he asked, sounding more weary than anything.

Cautiously, she approached him, stopping a few feet behind Kakashi. "I read it. That book I saw you reading that day at the park."

"And did it give you the answers you were looking for?"

She dropped her gaze to the grass at her feet as she fell silent, contemplating his question. "Honestly, I don't know what I was looking for…but it wasn't that."

"You were hoping to discover something about me, weren't you?"

She sighed, clasping her wrist. "Kakashi… You know you're not just a weapon, don't you? You're so much more than that. You're so much more to the village—to your friends. You don't have to sacrifice _who_ you are for _what_ you are."

"And who am I?" he challenged.

Anko could answer his question; could tell him who he was to her. However, who _she_ thought Kakashi Hatake was wasn't nearly as important as who _he_ thought he was.

"You know I can't answer that for you. Kakashi, we've both made mistakes that we can't erase, but that doesn't mean our only hope for redemption is death. You won't find yours through self-sacrifice."

"The only reason I'm here is because of others' self-sacrifice. I've tried to puzzle out the reason why they lost their lives to protect me, and I've only found one that makes sense."

She took a step forward as she challenged him with her next words. "You think Obito spent all his time calculating his usefulness to the village to determine when his life should end? You think he chose to die to make you into a better weapon for the Hidden Leaf? What about me? What about your friends: Guy, Kurenai, Asuma? Should we give up our humanity to become disposable pawns, too?

"And what about Lord Fourth? He didn't throw away his humanity, Kakashi. He had a family. He loved them, and he loved this village. He loved you. He didn't rid himself of his emotions. He was driven by them. And when he died to protect us, he left behind a legacy of love, joy, compassion, wisdom, and selflessness. He's still revered and honored, not because of _what_ he was, but because of _who_ he was."

She paused before she asked quietly, "If you died tomorrow…what would the village say about you?"

A still, cold silence fell between them, and Anko knew they were both thinking the exact same thing. Kakashi's hands clenched into fists at his sides. He didn't answer.

Tentatively, she stepped up beside him, her fingers moving to grasp his wrist.

"No matter what they'd say, I'd know the truth, and I swear to you, Kakashi, that I would do everything in my power to dispel those damning misconceptions. I only wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

From the corner of her eye, she saw him swallow, his eyes still on the stone.

"And what do you see?" he asked, his voice strained.

She looked up at him, noting the empty gaze in his grey eye. She could feel his internal struggle, and yet he kept it from his countenance.

Anko moved in front of Kakashi, forcing him to look at her. "I see a man who's kind and compassionate, but also strong and unyielding. I see someone who's both powerful and gentle. An unbreakable Shinobi with a fragile heart. You've had to endure immense loss, and you're still suffering, strangled by guilt and shame that can only exist because of an unshakable moral compass. Blinded so much by that shame and that guilt that your greatest desire is to be redeemed through giving your own life, a life you feel unworthy of because you've yet to reconcile with your past."

Several emotions flickered in his eyes: confusion; disbelief; denial; sadness; fear; that aforementioned shame. Anko face fell further when it became clear that he could not acknowledge that he possessed any of the positive qualities that she had named. When he shifted his gaze off to the side, unable to look her in the eye any longer, Anko's heart broke. She felt the tears behind her eyes, threatening to well up and spill over, but she held them back.

She lifted her hand and gently laid it against his chest.

He blinked, startled, returning his attention to her face. Studying her, he wasn't quite able to decipher the tender emotions in her eyes. They continued to confuse, and somehow frighten him. He thought about backing up, but he was frozen in place, compelled to hold her soulful gaze until he was falling into it. He didn't notice she was gradually moving closer, his body frozen in delirious uncertainty, until he found her lips covering his masked ones.

Something within Kakashi burst, an unfamiliar warmth enveloping him from head to toe. His hands opened, but he was still frozen in place, as though he wasn't sure what to do, or whether he should push her away. Part of him wanted to drink up this new sensation, but that part was rather small, and in the end, it lost.

The shock and fear and shame took hold, and Kakashi broke away from her kiss, staggering backward with wide eyes that revealed his fright.

Instinctually, Anko's hand reached for him, but she stopped the movement, recognizing his reaction for what it was. She instantly regretted her irrational kiss.

"Kakashi…"

"Why-why would you do that?" he stammered.

"I… I'm sorry, I…"

He took another step back, shaking his head as though he couldn't comprehend any of it.

"No," she said, taking one step toward him, but stopping herself from moving any further, lest she make the situation even worse. "Please… I didn't mean—"

He turned and vanished, and Anko ran after him several paces.

"Kakashi!" she called. "Kakashi, wait!"

It was no use; he was long gone. She stopped at the edge of the forest and leaned back against a tree trunk, letting her head fall forward.

"Ugh, I'm such an idiot," she muttered.

Anko had wanted to convey to Kakashi, not just that he was a good person, but that he was someone worth caring for—that he meant a great deal to those who cared about him. She wanted him to know how much he meant to her personally.

Unfortunately, it was clear that Kakashi saw nothing good about himself outside his skills as a Shinobi, and he certainly didn't think he was worthy of anyone's admiration, affection, or especially love. She'd tried to make him see that he was so much more than the sum of his past mistakes, but it seemed he was incapable of seeing himself as anything but a beast of burden, his only purpose to be used as a hunter and a killer.

Her impulsive kiss now seemed foolish. How could she have expected him to react any differently than he had? She let the tears slide silently over her cheek, saddened by the new insight into Kakashi's view of himself, and mourning the loss of whatever tenuous friendship they'd woven over the past few years. Surely he'd try even harder to remain elusive and solitary now that she'd made the terrible mistake of pushing him far beyond his comfort zone.

' _Nice going, Mitarashi,_ ' she thought to herself. _'Way to make things ten times worse…'_

She straightened and took a last, long look at the Memorial Stone before she turned on her heel and dejectedly made her way back home, taking the long way to avoid running into anyone. All she wanted now was to be alone.

Reaching the place she'd called home since returning to the village, she paused outside the door, hearing Ibiki and Idate at it again. Her shoulders slumped, and she turned away. She wasn't in the mood to listen to their arguing. Instead, she continued on, her feet carrying her without much thought to where she was going.

When at last she came out of her head to see where her legs had carried her, she found herself outside her parents' house. She pushed open the door, and a streak of moonlight filtered inside. It left as she closed the door behind her. She took in a deep, shuddery breath, inhaling the smell of the dusty house.

It was blessedly quiet, something she desperately needed. Walking into the living room, she found that although the house still felt so empty, it also felt familiar and safe. She walked around the coffee table, and slowly turned to sit down on the sofa. It, too, felt familiar, and she allowed herself to fully take comfort in it. Drawing her legs up, she grabbed one of the throw pillows and hugged it tight against her as she cried.

She cried for herself, for her own desperation and desire to fill the hole that still existed within her own heart. But mostly, she cried for _him_ ; for _Kakashi_. For his loss of innocence; for his heartache and pain; and for how horribly unlovable and undeserving of even the smallest kindness she now knew he felt. She cried because she was now fully aware that when he looked in the mirror, all he saw tragic mistake that didn't deserve to exist.


	11. Chapter 11: Change

**A/N:** Hey guys. I changed an error in chapter 6—no big deal. I just realized that I forgot that Kinoe went back to being called Tenzo when he joined the Hokage's ANBU. I also want to apologize for this chapter being so late. I've been busy with work and school and graduation coming up. I also found this chapter hard to write for some reason, perhaps because of the choreography at the end that's probably not as good as what I wrote for Anko's Roses. Still, I hope it's decent and that you guys enjoy.

Someone asked me via a guest review if I would write the final scene of the last chapter from Kakashi's POV, and what his thoughts were afterward. This story is primarily from Anko's POV, first, because she's the main focus, and second, from an artistic perspective, Kakashi is an enigma in this story because he chooses to keep his thoughts to himself. His friends are hard-pressed to figure out the puzzle that is Kakashi, and I think it's a neat way of writing this story. That way you as the reader are invested in learning _with_ Anko instead of knowing things she doesn't know.

That being said, the last scene _was_ momentarily written from Kakashi's POV for another artistic reason, one I hope you all pick up on as the story continues. But that moment was brief, like that kiss, and so was our glimpse into Kakashi's mind. I just wanted to answer this for a guest.

In case anyone is interested, I started a Blueshipping (Kaiba/Kisara) Yu-Gi-Oh! story that I'm writing as well. I don't plan to abandon this story for that one, but my updates may be a little more spaced since I'm writing for two fics.

 _Chapter Eleven: Change_

He avoided her, like he avoided just about everything else. Anko didn't search for Kakashi, knowing she'd done enough damage and sick to her stomach worrying that she'd broken the thread that had held them together for good. She didn't see him at the cemetery or the Memorial Stone; she didn't come across him at the training grounds; she never once saw him reading again; and he never passed the sweet shop where she and the others often congregated. Kakashi had become so scarce that the others began to question his whereabouts most of the time.

"Maybe he's off on a lot of big, important missions," said Raido. "I don't think I'd worry about it."

"It's been weeks, and he hasn't even said one word to me when I do manage to catch him," said Guy. "Makes you wonder if something happened, you know?"

Anko kept quiet as they speculated, her face impassive. She hadn't dared tell them, though the guilt was eating her alive. Not only had she pushed Kakashi away from her, but she'd also managed to increase his determination to isolate himself from the rest of his friends.

Kurenai had warned her, and she hadn't listened. She saw the other woman's glances in her direction, but mentally thanked her for not pulling Anko aside to ask. Still, it was obvious Kurenai was aware that Kakashi's behavior had something to do with her.

As the weeks drug on and on, turning to entire months, Kakashi slowly became more visible again. He would indulge Guy or Asuma on occasion, remaining at a distance, but he gradually returned to his previous level of social interaction—which of course was still sparse, but better than it had been recently.

However, he continued to avoid Anko altogether, and her guilt turned to utter shame. Out and about within the village, she kept up appearances, but in private, she'd taken to going off on her own to pour her emotions into her training: her shame; her frustration; her heartache; her anger. Many nights when Ibiki and Idate fought, Anko would return to her parents' home to be alone where she could sleep off her exhaustion from her training and the mental strain from her emotional over-thinking.

In time, she recovered enough that those emotions had dulled and her racing thoughts and anxiety over the entire Kakashi situation had stopped. She no longer had to pretend in front of her friends because she'd learned to move on from that incident. Still, she remained bothered by Kakashi's continued avoidance of her.

The months gave way to a year. He no longer avoided her, but if he saw her, he'd pass in silence. As Anko walked by Kakashi, she'd feel the familiar pull that coaxed her toward him, yet she knew better than to act on it. His behavior made it appear as though they were strangers, and apparently that's how he wanted it.

She wasn't sure which she preferred: to be ignored or to be avoided. She thought it was a good sign that he was no longer compelled to keep a cavernous physical distance between them, but when he refused to even look in her direction, she felt the pain of being practically invisible.

Another year passed. If Anko did look at Kakashi, he merely shifted the cold eyes of a disinterested stranger in her direction before moving about his business. If he said anything to her at all, it was usually an icy "excuse me."

Anko learned that Itachi had become an ANBU captain, the youngest captain ever at age thirteen if the rumors she heard were true. Itachi had been friendlier to her if they crossed paths, but something about the kid always seemed off. It was almost like he didn't belong anywhere, though he was part of the Uchiha Clan and now an elite ANBU captain.

Yugao rejoined Kakashi's team, but Anko never interacted with her. She was surprised to find Tenzo walking around the village a lot by himself, or sitting at a distance from others as though observing them. He was the friendliest, and the least serious of the ANBU she'd met.

Anko approached him one afternoon when she spotted him sitting up in a tree, watching passers-by. She glanced up with a confused frown, hands stuffed in the pockets of her trench coat.

"What are you doing?"

He tilted his head to one side, watching a couple share a chaste kiss before walking along together.

"Just observing."

She placed a hand on her hip. "Don't you know it's not polite to stare?"

Tenzo froze, then gave a nervous laugh. "Oh, right. I-I didn't mean to stare, honest!"

Anko sighed and shook her head. "You're alright, but sometimes you can be a little creepy…"

He jumped down in front of her and grinned. "Like you're one to talk. Didn't you used to watch Captain Kakashi all the time?"

She flushed and crossed her arms. "That was a long time ago."

"I suppose you're right."

"Tenzo."

They both turned their heads toward the voice.

"Uh, yes Captain?"

"We're needed. Let's go."

"Yes, Sir."

Tenzo said goodbye to Anko before following Kakashi up and across the rooftops toward ANBU Headquarters. Anko drew in a breath before turning away to head further into town.

One day, the terrible news came of the slaughter of the entire Uchiha Clan. It was a shock to the village, but reactions were mixed. There were those who viewed it as the tragedy that it was; yet there were also those who felt that the destruction of that clan was for the best considering the rising tensions between them and the rest of the village, and the threat of an uprising.

Anko was mortified by the news, but more so when the identity of the murderer was revealed to the public. On the one hand, she couldn't fathom that quiet kid killing his entire clan in cold blood, and yet on the other, she remembered how easily he was able to kill those HANYA Black Ops from the Land of Woods without so much as flinching—and he'd been a new recruit at the time.

"It's just awful," said Guy. "I mean, I was just there with Kakashi not too long ago. To think…they're all dead now…"

"All except Itachi's younger brother," said Asuma.

"That poor child," said Kurenai. "I can't imagine…"

As the sun went down, Anko couldn't stop herself from venturing toward the Uchiha District, which was blocked off with caution tape. The bodies had been cleared away, but she could still see blood that stained the walkways. Most had been inside during the attack, but there were members of the Uchiha police force who had been on patrol, as well as stragglers and those out for a late-night stroll.

She tried to imagine Itachi amidst all the bloodshed, and it only made her shiver. Was that kid just like Orochimaru? Seemingly innocent until given a taste of power?

No. It was something else. She'd seen Itachi with her own eyes, had witnessed him pick his little brother up from school. How could he do such a thing?

Guy found her, moving to stand at her side.

"What do you make of all this?" she asked him absently.

His somber expression remained. "Honestly…it defies explanation. I know what we saw that day, but I never thought he was capable of something like this."

Anko's face darkened and her frown deepened. "Guy… You don't think…"

She felt his eyes on her, but she couldn't look at him.

"I know what you're thinking, but you need to stop thinking it."

"That day, it wasn't just Itachi."

"Yeah, but that was different."

"How?" she challenged, turning her head sharply in his direction.

"That was a mission! This is just plain evil!"

"Doesn't it seem suspicious? The Uchiha Clan was united for a revolt—"

"And my guess is Itachi didn't want to go along with it."

"But…it…this doesn't make any sense…"

"Incidents like this never do. But please, I'm begging you, don't drag Kakashi into this. He'd never murder his own comrades."

That's essentially what Kakashi had told Itachi that day they were double-crossed by the Land of Woods. Apparently he hadn't gotten through to his young teammate in all their time together. Yet still, something didn't add up. Danzo's face came unbidden to the forefront of Anko's mind, and she wondered if he'd had something to do with this. An angry fire welled in the pit of her stomach, but she quickly drowned it. She shouldn't jump to conclusions when she had no evidence, but this whole situation made her far more uneasy than the thought that Itachi was a cold-blooded killer.

Guy was definitely right about one thing: Kakashi would never harm anyone in the village, especially not on such a large scale. Anko found herself wondering how he was handling the news that his former teammate was the one responsible for this atrocity. No doubt it pained him. When next she saw Tenzo, she itched to ask, but didn't dare.

"How are you holding up?" she asked instead.

Tenzo shrugged. "Okay I guess. It was a shock to us all really."

"It seems that way. Let me know if you need anything, alright?"

He nodded. "Thanks, but I think we'll manage. I think Captain Kakashi's beating himself up over it though, as if he should have seen it coming—should have stopped it."

Well, she hadn't asked, but… "That's crazy. No one could have predicted it."

"I know. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse. Anyway, I'll see you around, Anko."

"Yeah, later…"

There was a memorial service for the Uchiha Clan. About half of the village attended, the other half satisfied that the Uchiha would no longer be a constant headache for the Hidden Leaf. Though how anyone could be so callous was beyond Anko's comprehension. Innocent people had lost their lives, along with the revolutionaries—innocent children cut down before they'd even had a chance to live.

Anko watched the lone survivor as he was guided by the Third Hokage to place a white carnation before the plaque commemorating his fallen family members. That poor child would grow up all alone through no fault of his own, and he would always know that his fate was his brother's doing. Suddenly, Anko's tragic life didn't seem quite as tragic anymore.

She stood beside Ibiki and Idate during the ceremony. From a distance, she saw her friends; she saw Kakashi and his team; Lady Tsunade, and the recently returned Master Jiraiya; Danzo and the other village elders. Each one present was as sullen and somber as the dark clouds that covered the sky above them.

As the crowd of mourners departed, the young boy remained still and silent before the memorial. Not far behind stood Kakashi, his gaze fixed on the child. Anko could only guess what was on his mind, and she briefly wondered if he would comfort the boy. He didn't, however, and instead vanished from sight a few moments later.

A heavy hand found her shoulder, and her eyes shifted to Ibiki. Knowing she had no way to ease the boy's suffering, she let Ibiki guide her away, the two of them meeting Idate at the tree line before heading home.

X-X-X

Over the last two years, Anko's strength and stamina had increased. She'd fought multiple times against Raido, Asuma, Genma, and Kurenai, and for each of them, she'd become a formidable challenge. The only one she found she couldn't beat was Guy. With his advanced Taijutsu, he was nearly impossible to best, but she could stand toe-to-toe with him for several rounds before he inevitably got the jump on her. As bat-shit crazy as she swore he was, she couldn't deny his physical prowess as well as his sheer level of power and brute force.

"Give it up! You know you can't win!" he said, always full of good-natured sport.

"That's what you think!" she fired back, throwing a kick that Guy blocked with his ankle before throwing a punch she had to think fast to doge.

She had been sparring with him frequently, honing her own Taijutsu with each and every match in the hope of surpassing her own physical limitations. While she was improving, he was still far out of her league, a force of nature that couldn't be tamed or broken.

She didn't give up though. She kept on fighting, plotting her movements—and his—as she kept her sights on the prospect of her eventual victory. Yet, that day was not the day for her to achieve it. A roundhouse kick to her midsection sent Anko sprawling in the dirt. Her back aching, she slowly sat up to find Guy standing over her with his hand out and a wide grin on his face.

"Best two out of three?"

Before Anko could respond, the pair turned in the direction of footfalls growing nearer. It was Idate, and Anko and Guy shared a look as he helped her to her feet.

"Don't tell me: the Hokage wants to see us, right?" asked Guy.

Idate shook his head. "No, just Anko."

"What!? I haven't been on a mission in a week!"

"Whoa, take a chill pill," said Anko. "Just relax, and if you haven't been sent away before I get back, I guess we can have a rematch."

Guy crossed his arms, still agitated about not seeing any mission action. "I guess that'll have to do."

On the surface, the mission she was assigned was a simple escort. However, the Fifth Hokage warned her of a potential ambush of a few lightweights. What she didn't count on was a larger ambush with a few skilled assassins thrown in the mix. The battle she faced—alone—was a bloody one, and despite her unfavorable odds, she came out on the other side, having had no choice but to kill her attackers to save the woman she was meant to deliver safely to the Land of Rice Patties.

Upon her return to the Hidden Leaf, Lord Third gave her his sincerest apologies, taking the blame for the miscalculation. Regardless of the mishap, he was quite impressed with her skills, as well as her efficiency in dealing with the renegades. It had not escaped his notice how far she had come as a ninja in the last several years under no one's tutelage but her own. Of course he knew her motivation: the desire to one day confront and defeat Orochimaru. Still, her advancement was quite impressive despite her motives.

"You have great talent, Anko," he commented in his sage-like voice, filled with contemplative awareness. "I confess that I am impressed with how much you've grown as a Shinobi."

"Thank you, Sir."

He brought his pipe to his lips and puffed, tapping the side of it with his index finger. After a moment, he removed the pipe, blowing out a ring of smoke.

"I know you have no such ambition, but it's worth noting that you would indeed make a fine ANBU."

Her stoic and respectful expression fell, the corners of her mouth turning downward sharply and her eyes darkening. She understood the unfortunate necessity of the ANBU, but the thought of it honestly sickened her when she contemplated the horrors that seemed to come out of the stealth organization.

She recalled the day Guy had returned from asking to join the ANBU, and Danzo's response as to why he didn't have what it took to become a member. The vivid memories of the day they were betrayed by the HANYA Black Ops followed immediately afterward—the day that had made clear what Danzo had meant.

Anko turned away from the Third Hokage and headed for the door. "I don't think so," was the only reply she could muster before leaving his office.

It wasn't the thought of killing that turned her stomach; she'd had to end the lives of enemy Shinobi before, just like she'd had to do on this mission. It was the callousness of the ANBU that got to her. Intimidation was one thing, and Anko often reveled in making friends and enemies alike distinctly uncomfortable. Yet, cold is something she never aspired to be.

While the Third Hokage's suggestion was hardly fodder for enthusiasm, it set Anko to thinking again about how similar she was to those she once thought were above her—those like Kakashi. Her strength and promise were outmatched by few. It was only her mindset that differentiated her from the so-called "best of the best."

Or, perhaps she was overthinking the whole thing. She couldn't beat Guy, and she doubt she stood a chance against Kakashi—not that she would make the mistake of ever challenging him again. Despite the high compliment from Lord Third, was she really that good?

She supposed there was really only one way to find out for sure.

As the sun grew closer to the Western edge of the sky, Anko found the ANBU she was looking for in a group of eight at the Third Training Ground. Anko didn't bother to slow her steps as she approached the group, and she saw Kakashi's shoulder's stiffen as he caught sight of her from the corner of his eye.

"Hey, this is closed training session," said an ANBU in a round orange and white mask whose name Anko didn't know. There were four other masked faces she didn't recognize, along with Tenzo and Yugao.

"Yeah, what do you think you're doing here?" said the one in a mask with purple stripes and pointed ears.

The one in the green and white mask grunted, and the others remained silent. Yugao only blinked at her in confusion. Anko glanced around at each of them, amazed at the palpable arrogance of the group. Though she couldn't see the eyes of most of the ANBU that stood before her, she could feel their judging gazes as she stood without responding. Kakashi still refused to look directly at her. It was Tenzo who finally approached Anko with a friendly smile.

"Hey there. Is something the matter?"

Anko focused on Tenzo and regarded him with contemplation for several seconds.

"No. But I was thinking that I could use a good challenge. Where better to find one than within the ranks of the ANBU?"

"Didn't you hear us the first time?" Said another of the masked agents. "This is a _closed_ training session, which means you shouldn't be here."

"That's right," said the first one who'd spoken to her. "So beat it."

"Yeah girlie," said the one with black hair and four maroon stripes on his mask as he moved to stand beside Tenzo. "Can't you take a hint?"

He barely finished his sentence before Anko used her ankle to pull his legs out from under him. She placed a foot on his chest, crouching down to hold a dagger to his throat as she peered through the darkened holes of the mask to find his hazel irises underneath.

"You're gonna want to refrain from calling me 'girlie,' you got that, punk?"

The other masked ANBU grabbed their kunai, ready to ambush her, but Tenzo stepped in the middle of the circle with his hands up.

"Whoa, just hold on a minute! Let's cool down, huh? Put the kunai away, all of you."

"She started it!"

"To be fair, I think you deserved that one, Toba…" said Tenzo with a sideways grin down at his felled comrade. Then he looked back at Anko. "Alright, you can let him up now."

Anko growled before moving off of the stunned ANBU and replacing her dagger back up into her sleeve.

Toba sat up and glared at Tenzo. "What's the big idea taking her side?"

"Relax. She's a friend. Isn't that right, Captain?"

Kakashi merely crossed his arms without replying. Yugao looked slightly nervous as she stood beside him.

"If it's a sparring partner you're after, you should probably find someone else," said the Copy Ninja. "Juno's right. You need to leave."

"Don't worry, I have no interest in fighting you," said Anko as she met Kakashi's mismatched gaze with a challenging stare.

No emotions registered on his face apart from the unbroken annoyance.

"Well none of us are interested," said the one in the purple and white mask. The others agreed.

"Sorry," said Yugao. "Maybe another time?"

Where once Anko had resented Yugao for holding a rank that kept her at Kakashi's side, now she resented her rank because she knew there was really no difference between the two women. Though the other girl appeared far kinder than her male counterparts, Anko couldn't help bristle over the fact that Yugao was seen as superior to herself.

Anko never wanted to join the ranks of the ANBU, but she did want to prove that her skills, just like Guy's, were on par with theirs.

"I'll take you on."

"Tenzo," Kakashi warned, the others beginning to protest.

"You sure about that?" she asked, having thought that despite his kindness, he would attempt to make her leave as well.

"Sure, why not? I've been curious about your abilities for a while now. Since we operate in different circles, I've never gotten to witness them first hand."

"We were in the middle of training," said Kakashi.

"Ah, lighten up, Captain! What's it gonna hurt?" said Tenzo, making his way toward the opposite end of the training field.

"Unless you're all afraid I'll beat one of your best team members," Anko challenged.

The other ANBU laughed.

"Yeah right."

"If you want your butt kicked, who are we to stop you?"

Anko moved to take her place opposite her opponent, who regarded her with curiosity and anticipation. The others may underestimate her, but she could tell that Tenzo wouldn't, and that was all that mattered. She wanted him to give her his all so that she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was as good as any ANBU even though she had no interest in the organization itself.

Kakashi sighed from his place on the sidelines, but Anko paid no attention to him. She knew his resentment toward her had nothing to do with the fact that she'd interrupted their training and everything to do with his general discomfort around her since her unfortunate mistake two years earlier. While Kakashi hadn't initially been her purpose for challenging Tenzo, maybe if she beat him, or at least held her own against him, Kakashi might see that one didn't have to be an ANBU to be useful to the village.

"Whenever you're ready," said Tenzo.

"Oh, I was born ready…"

"Then show me what you've got."

Aware that he was challenging her to make the first move, she took him up on the offer. Her hands flew through hand signs, and after a great puff of smoke flared and dissipated, there were two clones flanking her as she charged forward.

The masked ANBU laughed at her basic tactic while Tenzo waited for Anko and her clones to come closer. Her clones each pulled out a kunai and tossed them, both blades whizzing past his head. He blinked in confusion and surprise at her poor aim, wondering if she didn't actually have good control of them. Regardless, as the middle Anko (and no doubt the real one) gained ground, she pulled her own kunai from her sleeve. Tenzo lifted his hand to use his Wood Style, Hand Tool Manipulation technique to forge a wooden blade of his own to use for hand-to-hand combat.

But just as he was about to engage her, he felt a slight disturbance in the ground beneath his feet and had to jump to avoid being snared by a gaggle of snakes. While he was in the air, two more serpents rose to strike, the two kunai she'd thrown clutched tightly beneath their fangs.

He had to think fast, extending his arm and using his Great Forest Technique to quickly encapsulate himself in a wooden cocoon so that the snakes couldn't get to him. After their strikes, he withdrew his impromptu shield only to have to form it into a wooden whip to throw Anko sideways when he found her lunging upward from underneath him.

Barring their initial skepticism, the other ANBU were silent, not having expected such tactics and ferocity from the average-looking female Shinobi.

Anko flipped backward, landing on her feet and skidding to a stop. Tenzo also landed, placing his hand on the ground and performing his Earth Release, Flow Spears Jutsu. If there were any snakes still in the ground, he would immobilize them while sending the spikes toward Anko and forcing her to retreat. He hadn't forgotten about her clones, and looking over his shoulder, he shot two earth spikes up at them as they dove in for another attack. The clones disappeared.

When he put his attention back on the original Anko, he found her leaping up into the surrounding trees to evade his spikes.

"Striking Shadow Snakes!"

Extending her arm, her snakes shot out from her sleeves, aiming for a tree across the clearing to grab on to. She used them to propel herself across the open area without touching the ground and the earthen stalagmites he'd created. Before he could sever her connection, she withdrew the snakes, gathering chakra in her foot as she aimed for his head.

Impressed by her speed, Tenzo spun and aimed his Great Forest Jutsu at her in an attempt to capture her. She landed, but used her agility to evade every twist and turn he created with his wooden limb. Dropping to the ground and getting beneath his jutsu, she threw her legs out and upward, infusing them again with a great deal of chakra to break the wood. It only regrew, aiming to encapsulate her, but she drew in a breath, blowing fire as she pushed up with her hands and spun to spread the flames so that they burned away the arboreal assault.

Tenzo felt the scorching pain as he retracted his limb, his arm transforming back. Luckily he had regenerative abilities, or that fire might have done serious damage.

Anko was on her feet again, drawing in another breath before performing her Dragon Flame Jutsu, aiming straight for him.

"Water Style, Tearing Torrent Jutsu!"

Drawing from the river behind him, Tenzo formed a ball of water in his hand that only grew as he leapt forward with it, using its might and power to extinguish her fire and knock her back until she was sprawled and wet on the ground a few meters in front of him. Drawing more water from the river, he performed his Water Bowl Jutsu, sending another rush of water in her direction.

"Twin-Headed Snake Jutsu!"

From the earth arose a snake head, its mouth opened wide to absorb Tenzo's attack.

"What!?"

Catching on quickly, he glanced over his shoulder to see an identical snake, its mouth opening to throw his attack right back at him. He drew up a water wall to protect himself. Knowing Anko would take the opportunity to get behind him, he spun and crouched, placing his hands on the ground once more to create his Wood Locking Wall which trapped them both inside a wooden capsule.

"Nowhere to run now."

Anko's eyes widened as she watched him disappear through the back of the wall. Almost immediately, the earthen spikes began to make their way toward her. Sucking in all the air her lungs could take, she expelled it via her Snake Flame Jutsu, which created seven fiery serpents that broke through Tenzo's wall and allowed her to escape.

He hadn't expected her to be able to escape and was unable to leave his vulnerable crouching position before she sent her Shadow Snakes after him. He tried to stop her with his Great Forest Jutsu, but her snakes weaved through the crisscrossing limbs to snare Tenzo's body, arms, and legs. She then used her snakes to fling Tenzo across the training ground and send him careening into a tree trunk.

With fire in her eyes, Anko launched herself toward Tenzo, throwing shurriken at him, to which he responded by producing an earth wall. Infusing chakra into her head, she jumped forward to smash through it only to be met by another Wood Style Jutsu, one meant to bind her. Rope-like vines extended toward her from the trees and she had to backtrack to keep from being caught.

Those vines were much too quick, however, and despite her best efforts to break them with infused chakra, the task was impossible. They were much too strong, and Anko could only outrun them for a short time before they eventually captured her. She hung suspended in midair, one leg dangling while the opposite knee was bound against her stomach, her arms wound in the vines in uncomfortable positions off to her sides. She struggled, but her efforts were in vain.

"You can't break them," said Tenzo as he approached her. "They're much tougher than my other jutsu."

Anko only growled. "Alright, I get it! You can let me go now!"

Tenzo nodded, releasing his Jutsu slowly so that she could be eased back to the ground.

"I realized when we started that you knew more about my strategies than I knew about yours," he said, remembering again that she used to watch Kakashi practice with him. "I almost thought you had me a few times."

"Yeah, almost." She grinned at him. "I'll get you next time, I promise."

"A rematch, huh? I look forward to it!" He placed a hand to his chin as he studied her. "You know, I think you'd make a pretty good ANBU."

The masked ninja looked at one another, still stunned by her performance.

"That was incredible, Anko," said Yugao.

"…You are a lot better than we thought…" Juno admitted. The others nodded their agreement.

"Yeah, sorry we gave you such a hard time," said the one with the whiskered mask.

"Those snakes of yours…they're pretty wicked," said the one with the green and white mask.

"Thanks," she said. "But not everyone with skill is cut out to be in the ANBU. Isn't that right…Captain Kakashi?"

She shifted her eyes toward him, focusing on his Sharingan. Anko forced him not to break eye contact, hoping he understood the message she was trying to send. Even though she'd lost, she'd proven herself able to stand up against a powerful ANBU like Tenzo. Now she wanted to prove something else entirely.

He wasn't meant for the ANBU either, whether he knew it or not.

Kakashi broke away from her gaze after several long seconds, refusing to say a word; but she could tell there was a slight change in his demeanor. Though she couldn't pinpoint it, it felt positive. She looked back at Tenzo.

"I appreciate the chance to test myself against you. It seems I still have work to do."

He smiled and tilted his head. "Anytime you want a sparring partner, come find me."

"Sure thing."

Anko turned away from them all without another word and headed back along the trail toward the village. The sun was creeping down beyond the horizon, the shaded forest growing even darker as she wandered on home.

She heard the yelling from outside, but tonight she didn't feel like running from it. Enough was enough. Pushing through the door, she closed it and walked through the living room to the kitchen where she found Ibiki and Idate going at it again.

"You're not my father!"

"For the last time, Dad is gone, and I was the one left to look after you!"

"Well you suck at it! Admit it, you just like to see me fail, don't you?"

"You think I like having a failure for a brother?"

"You never even gave me a chance—"

"To what? Fix your mistake? I failed you for a reason, and you still haven't figured out why! If you can't do that, you don't deserve to be a Shinobi at all!"

"Shut up!"

"That's enough!" Anko shouted, slamming her hands down on the table between the two. "This is my house, too, and dammit, I'm sick of listening to this all the time! If you've got something to settle, take it outside! I'm over it!"

"This doesn't concern you," said Ibiki.

"The hell it doesn't! Don't you think you put that boy through enough?"

Ibiki only averted his eyes.

"And you!" She turned on Idate. "I know your brother can be a pain in the ass, but he's still your older brother. Maybe you should try listening to him sometime."

Ibiki opened his mouth to say something, but Anko shot him a nasty look.

"You two are family. Why don't you start acting like it before you don't have any family left?"

They watched her walk out of the room and turn down the hall in silence. Ibiki sighed and went to follow her before he saw her close the door to the bathroom. From behind the bathroom door, she heard him address Idate.

"It's late. We both could use some sleep."

She heard the younger boy mumble something that sounded like "fine." Relieved, she turned on the water for the shower and stripped out of her dirty clothes. She was done tip-toing around others. From now on, Anko was going to be sure that her voice was heard above the chaos, no matter who had a problem with it, be they friend or foe. Her heart and will were strong, and they would no longer be silenced for the sake of false peace.


	12. Chapter 12: Brothers

**A/N:** So I guess I screwed up on the stupid timeline again. The Narutoverse is so complicated… At this point in the story, I alluded to the fact that Ibiki failed Idate a long time ago when in reality it didn't happen yet according the anime. I was so confused because Idate doesn't have an age listed. How much older is Ibiki? Oh well. I completely forgot watching that episode since I didn't care about the brothers way back then. Forgive the error, I'm sorry. But the way I've written it in this story, Idate has had a good while to let his anger and his desire to become a real Shinobi fester, and I think that was missing from the original (probably filler) minor story arc of his that we see in the anime, although I still didn't touch on it too much up until this point.

Anywho, now that you have a heads up on what this chapter might be about, let's get on with it, shall we?

 _Chapter Twelve: Brothers_

Anko growled when she entered the house only to hear a door slam—again. Ibiki was sitting on the sofa looking mentally exhausted, the furrowed brow below his forehead a clear giveaway to his own agitation. His hands were clenched into fists as he stared down at the floor beneath his boots, and the only light in the room came from a lamp in the corner. He didn't look up even when she dropped her pack on the coffee table with a heavy thud.

"Do I even have to ask?"

He grunted. "Probably not."

"What are you getting on his case for this time?"

"The kid just won't grow up. He thinks he knows everything, but the little idiot is going to get himself in serious trouble one of these days."

Anko wacked Ibiki round back of the head with a deep scowl.

"Agh, what the hell was that for?!" he demanded.

"Because I think you're being a bigger idiot than he is!"

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No, I'm not," she said, moving in front of the table and resting her hands on it while she stared him down. "Give the kid a break…"

"No one cuts you a break as a Shinobi, Anko, you know that. He's got to learn somehow."

"Think about it. He was failed from ever becoming a Chunin by his own brother. You think he's not constantly asking himself why? You think he's not trying to prove himself to you?"

"My job has always been to protect him. How the hell can I send him out there knowing he's liable to get killed because the kid can't think?"

"Maybe instead of yelling at him all the time, you could try helping him understand what he's been missing."

"Hey, we didn't have anything handed to us," he protested, his expression hard as stone

Anko stood straight again, looking down at Ibiki critically. "I hope you realize you're on a dangerous path toward pushing him away altogether. Mark my words, you'll regret it…"

His shoulders hunched as she walked past him and up the stairs. She had never imagined herself as a peacemaker, but damned if she didn't feel like one lately. Turning down the hallway, she followed it until she reached the closed door at the end. She leaned her hip on the door, placed one hand on her opposite arm, and knocked.

"Idate. Idate, you in there?"

She received no answer. Pressing her ear against the door, she heard nothing except the sound of the breeze that was likely coming through his window. Anko pushed open the door and stepped inside.

"Idate?"

Sure enough, the dark room was empty. She walked to the open window, leaned out on the sill, and turned her head up in an attempt to locate him. She found him easily enough, sitting on top of the roof, his arms wrapped around his legs.

Heaving a sigh, she climbed up onto the windowsill and leapt up onto the roof to sit beside him.

"Hey, what's up, champ?"

"Just the usual," replied Idate with a bite in his tone. "I can't do anything right, at least not according to Ibiki."

"Awe come on. What did you do this time?" she prodded good-naturedly. "Surely it wasn't that bad."

"I was sent out on a mission with two other genin, and because of me, we almost failed it. If it wasn't for Aoi Sensei coming as backup, it would have been an even worse disaster… And of course, Ibiki had to hear about it, so I got reamed…"

"Ah, so you made a mistake—"

"Yeah, just the latest in a whole string of them. You know, sometimes I wonder if there's any point in trying…"

She punched him in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?!" he snapped, rubbing the spot where a bruise was likely to form soon.

"You're allowed to make mistakes, but don't ever think about being a quitter, you hear me?"

"Of course I'm not a quitter, I just…I don't know. Maybe Ibiki's right. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a ninja…"

"I know what he says, but I also know that he wants you to succeed."

"Yeah, probably only so he doesn't have to endure the shame of having a failure for a brother."

"Now that's not true."

"Yes it is. I try and try, but no matter what I do, I can't live up to you or to him. Sometimes I think he'd rather have you as a sister than to have me as a brother…"

"Ah, now I _know_ that's not true," she said, placing her arm around his shoulders.

"Oh really? He doesn't berate you like he does me. He doesn't have to say it, but I can tell he wishes I was more like you—that I was someone worth being proud of."

Her face fell at the heartbreak in his voice. "Aw Idate… I know Ibiki can be…harsh…but believe me, he loves you."

"Heh, he sure has a funny way of showing it."

"He does. He just doesn't know how else to express it except with his own brand of tough love."

"Thanks for trying, Anko," he said, getting to his feet. "But to him, all I'll ever be is a disappointment."

She followed, attempting to stop him, but he jumped back down into his room and shut the window. Anko understood both viewpoints, but the dilemma still remained that Ibiki was much too hard and Idate was much too soft. Neither could comprehend the other, and she feared that the distance between them would only grow. Not only did she worry for their relationship, but she was also afraid to lose the only two people she considered family because of this massive rift that continued to further divide them. It had been falling apart slowly for the last few years until their home had started to feel as empty as her parents'.

She crossed to the side of the house and ducked back inside through the living room window. Ibiki still sat on the corner of the sofa, his head leaned back as he stared blankly up at the ceiling. Anko pulled off her coat and threw it onto a chair.

"You're going to lose that boy," she said solemnly as she climbed onto the other end of the couch where her pillow was, grabbing her blanket and pulling it over herself. "When you do, it won't be a fun 'I-told-you-so.'"

X-X-X

Several days passed without much incident. The brothers were strangely quiet, keeping their distance from one another, and Anko wasn't sure whether that was better or worse. The tension was still ever-present, and though it wasn't volatile, the threat of an explosion always loomed beneath the surface of the brothers' rather cold interactions. Anko could only shake her head at how stubborn they were, and how unwilling—or perhaps unable—they were to understand each other.

She supposed she only understood Ibiki herself because they'd been good friends even before his and Idate's parents had died. Ibiki had never been close with his younger brother, and the loss of their mother and father only strained the tenuous sibling relationship between them. How could Anko not feel for Idate, though? Ibiki was, to put it in the simplest terms, a genius. His critical thinking skills were top-notch, and he was a highly ranked Jonin who had been working for the Intelligence and Interrogation Division for several years now. He had a reputation of being tough and domineering, but he was also highly regarded as a strong asset to the village. Idate struggled to mature, and his struggle was clearly compounded by having to live in Ibiki's shadow. The poor boy cracked under the pressure.

Yet, Ibiki wasn't wrong either. Idate had to grow up or he wouldn't survive as a Shinobi. He couldn't let an inferiority complex hold him back. He had to toughen up. Anko supposed it was hard to do so, however, when you didn't feel supported by those who meant the most to you, and Ibiki's 'support' wasn't what anyone would call conventional.

"What's on your mind, Hun?" asked Kurenai, falling into step beside her.

Anko groaned. "Please don't call me that. I don't want to hurt you."

She only laughed. "Sorry. Habits. Where's your sense of humor today?"

"I feel like it's hit or miss these days."

Kurenai narrowed her eyes. "You're not thinking about—"

"No."

She shrugged. "Hey, you can't blame me for jumping to conclusions."

"Uh, yeah I can."

"It's your own fault that that's where my mind automatically goes when you're not quiet yourself."

"For your information, I was thinking about my brothers." She paused as she considered Kakashi along with Ibiki and Idate. "Though come to think of it…I'm starting to wonder if all men suffer from emotional constipation."

"You know what? You're probably exactly right. Except for Guy… He's not shy about showing his emotions."

"Yeah, well he's on the other extreme of just about everything."

"Anko."

Ibiki came up on her other side, a serious, concerned expression on his face. She and Kurenai stopped.

"Have you seen Idate?"

She furrowed her brows. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since yesterday. Then again, I was up and out of the house early this morning."

"Dammit."

"Why, what's up?"

"My agents just uncovered some information about Aoi. It seems he's been acting as a traitor to the village, his target the Sword of the Thunder God. I think he drug Idate into it."

"What? You're kidding!"

"Oh no," said Kurenai, raising a hand to her mouth in concern. "Surely Idate wouldn't betray the village."

"No, he wouldn't. Not knowingly. I've got to tell the Hokage and go after my brother."

Ibiki's long legs carried him briskly away from the two women as he made his way for the Hokage's residence. Anko looked back at Kurenai apologetically before running after him. When they found Lord Third, they knelt before him while Ibiki presented the information he and his intelligence team had gathered about Aoi.

"I see," said Hiruzen. "It is not like Idate to shirk his responsibilities, so I was concerned when I did not see him today. You believe that Aoi has involved him in his scheme to get his hands on the Sword of the Thunder God?"

"Yes Sir. If I may, I want you to let me go and find them."

"I could send anyone, but I assume you are concerned for your brother's safety."

"I think Aoi is using him to keep from getting his own hands dirty. I doubt it will end wall for Idate once Aoi no longer has any use for him."

"You may be right," said the Third Hokage, drawing in a breath. "In that case, I grant you permission to track them down and bring them back to the Hidden Leaf. As long as Idate is truly as innocent as we would like to believe, he will not be harshly punished. However, Aoi is a traitor and must be stopped. I will send two ANBU agents with you." He turned his attention to write a request for the ANBU who were to accompany him before he rolled it up and handed it to Ibiki. "Retrieve them and leave at once."

"Thank you, Lord Third."

Anko glanced from Hiruzen to Ibiki, biting her lip to keep from speaking. She had been hoping to be assigned to go along with him. They stood, and Ibiki turned abruptly to leave the room.

Anko called after him. "Be careful."

He didn't respond, but she knew he'd heard her.

"Anko."

Her shoulders tensed before she turned back around. "Yes Sir?"

He leveled his gaze at her, silent for a moment. "I know how much those two mean to you. Have faith that Ibiki will find Idate, and that they return none the worse for wear."

X-X-X

She tried to be optimistic, but her gut told her that Lord Third's confidence was misguided here. Anko couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. She waited for several hours, doing things around the house to occupy her mind, but as the day went on, she only grew more uneasy.

Genma was on guard duty when she reached that gate around early evening. Seeing her no-nonsense expression, he only lifted his brow.

"Going somewhere?"

"No," she said, heading for the stairs that led up to one of the guard towers and the top of the wall that surrounded the village.

He didn't argue with her as he watched her mount the stairs. She couldn't go after Ibiki, but she could plant herself on that wall and wait either for his return, or for an S.O.S.

The Shinobi in the watchtowers occasionally glanced at her, shrugging in shared confusion, but she paid no attention to them. Time dragged as she waited for some sign of her brothers in the distance, but nothing came. It had been too long already. If Aoi's goal had been the Sword of the Thunder God, the Thunder God's Shrine wasn't that far away. They couldn't possibly have made it that far before Ibiki could catch up to them. What was taking so long?

"What are you doing?" came the scathing, yet curious voice that she recognized all too well. "You haven't moved for hours."

"Yeah, what's it to you?" she shot back, not even bothering to turn her attention from the horizon. She was in no mood to allow Kakashi to get under her skin.

"It's nothing to me. It was just an observation."

The fact that he was talking to her didn't matter then, not when she was worried for Ibiki's and Idate's safety. When she didn't say anything else, Kakashi gave a heavy sign.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sounding irritable.

Anko rounded on him, as fast as one of her snakes. "What's wrong?" she growled. "What's wrong is that one of my brothers has been manipulated by a traitor, and the other one has gone to get him back. Forgive me for being concerned about the only family I have left!"

"Your…brothers…?" he asked, taken aback at the ferocity of her declaration. Then he remembered where she lived. "Oh—"

"So save your attitude for someone who feels like kissing your ass, because right now, I don't."

She turned back around, crossing her arms as she fixed her gaze back out into the distance. She didn't need his petty condescension or his moodiness. Her thoughts had nothing to do with Kakashi, and therefore he had no reason to be pissy with her. If he was still sore over that little incident a few years ago, well he needed to stop living in the past and get the hell over it. Anko had.

There was a long moment of tense silence that followed her last words, but she was aware that his eyes had not left her.

"You're really worried about them," he said after a while, his voice a lot gentler, but otherwise unreadable.

Anko felt no obligation to answer him. Instead, she opted to just ignore him. She didn't need his brand of aggravation when she was already on edge.

Another several moments passed before Anko heard the tell-tale sound of a summoning Jutsu.

"Bisuke, I need you to deliver a message to the Third Hokage."

"What, am I your errand dog now?"

"Just do it. Let him know we're going after Ibiki."

Anko's irritation with Kakashi gave way to surprise as she turned her head to look at him. He was still addressing his ninja hounds.

"Humph. Alright, fine."

Bisuke headed for the stairs and made his way toward the Hokage's residence. Meanwhile, Kakashi addressed the pug that still sat in front of him.

"We're going after Ibiki, huh?" said Pakkun. "What, is he in trouble? I figured he could handle himself."

"Even the best of us need a little help sometimes."

Pakkun nodded.

"Hold on," said Anko. "You're just going to take it upon yourself to go after him? Why?"

"If you think he's in trouble, it's probably best to stick with your gut. As the saying goes, better safe than sorry."

"Well yeah, but—"

Kakashi leapt up onto the edge of the wall, Pakkun at his side. He looked over his shoulder at her.

"Are you coming?"

It took Anko a few seconds to snap out of her shock, but when she finally got herself together, she nodded. Together, they followed Pakkun as he tracked down Ibiki by following his scent. Anko didn't know what to say to Kakashi, so she didn't say anything. The only emotion she could register was gratitude, but she had to push it aside for the time being. Pakkun led them to the Shrine of the Thunder God first. Sure enough, the priestesses there informed them that the sword and the sacred scroll that went with it had been taken. Anko could only shake her head in dismay and disappointment knowing that Idate had likely been an accomplice in its theft. They kept going, past the shrine and further away from the village.

"What do you know about this?" Kakashi asked as they pressed on.

"Not much. Just that Aoi is apparently a traitor, and he's likely been manipulating Idate by praying on the kid's insecurities about not being able to advance to Chunin. Ibiki thinks he enlisted Idate's help in stealing the sword from that shrine."

"Idiot," Kakashi seemed to sigh. "He should know better—"

"Now is _not_ the time," she insisted through clenched teeth. "I appreciate your help, but if you could keep your negative comments to yourself, that would be great."

"Kind of bossy, aren't you?" he mumbled.

"And you're kind of a dick, aren't you?" she fired back. Kakashi didn't respond.

"Uh oh," Pakkun said suddenly. "That's not good."

"What's not good?" Anko asked before Kakashi could, her heart jumping into her throat.

"Smoke."

"Look," said Kakashi, jerking his head upwards to bring attention to the dark plume in rising in the distance even as the sun began to fade behind the mountains.

"Ibiki…"

"It's getting harder to track his scent, but it leads in the direction of the smoke, so we can only assume that's where he is."

"Pick up the pace, Pakkun," she ordered, not caring that he was Kakashi's ninken. "We have to find them!"

Kakashi looked at Anko, but said nothing. As they drew closer to the source of the fire, Anko sped up, her stomach churning with worry. What would she do if anything had happened to them?

' _Please be ok…'_

They could see the orange glow of the fire beyond the trees, and Anko kept telling herself that Ibiki and Idate were fine even while the fear quickly consumed her. When they broke through the tree line, they stopped abruptly several yards away from the burning building just before a loud, explosive crack sounded, and part of it collapsed.

She felt her heart drop into her stomach with the explosion. "No!"

Nothing could be heard except for the crackling of the burning wood, but Anko swore she could hear the fracturing of her own heart and mind even as she stared, frozen with helplessness. She shook her head slowly, her eyes wide as she tried to take it in. Yet, she couldn't accept the likely outcome of the fire.

"No… Ibiki, _no_!" she shouted, attempting to bolt toward the shack that was quickly deteriorating within the grip of the hellish flames. Kakashi grabbed her.

"Are you crazy? You can't go in there!"

"Let me go!" she protested, struggling to break his hold while her thoughts turned to incoherent desperation. "They're still alive, I know it! I have to save them!"

"No! Stop! There's nothing you can do. You'll only be burned alive!"

He grabbed hold of her arm as she got free, and she slapped her hand over his, trying to pry it off of her.

"I said _let go_! Ibiki! Idate!"

"Stop it! Just _stop_!"

"Let go of me!" She wailed, her voice breaking with the lump in her throat while she continued to attempt to pull out of his grasp.

"I won't!"

"Let go, damn you! Let go!"

"I'm sorry, Anko. No."

She let out a desperate yell as she pulled again with no avail, crumpling to the ground and letting the tears come when she failed to free herself from Kakashi. He still held onto her arm, his chest tight with pain at the sights and sounds of her grief and the knowledge of the tragedy that had befallen her friends. Pakkun sat stoically at his side, not daring to say a word as Anko's cries grew louder against the sound of the crackling flames. Kakashi now felt bad for his earlier attitude, affected as he was by once again seeing the depths with which Anko cared for those who held a special place in her heart. If only they'd arrived sooner, they might've been able to save them…

The sound of glass breaking caught their attention, and Kakashi looked up from Anko to see that a window had been busted out. Anko's head turned rapidly.

"I don't believe it," said Pakkun.

A figure leapt out of the window and landed hard on the ground outside. Through the smoke, it was hard to tell who it was, but they attempted to get back up on their feet.

"It's Ibiki," said Kakashi, letting Anko go as she leapt up to run to the man she called her brother. Kakashi was right behind her when he saw that Ibiki was unable to stand.

"Ibiki!" She raced to his side to find him choking on smoke, his clothes ripped, skin burned, and head and face black and blue, blood trickling from multiple wounds. Her eyes took in the damage, and at first, she was afraid to touch him for fear of hurting him further. Noting that his body appeared largely unharmed, she gently helped him to his knees.

"Anko," said Ibiki between coughs, sounding surprised by her presence.

"Don't worry, we're going to get you home," she said as Kakashi appeared on his other side. Together, he and Anko carefully lifted Ibiki to his feet and guided him away from the fire as quickly as they could.

"Where's Idate?" asked Anko.

Ibiki was already grimacing in pain, but she saw him cringe at her question. "Gone."

"Gone…?"

"I was able to…save him before the fire got too bad. I told him to get out of there."

"Do you think he made it?" asked Kakashi.

"Yes…"

"What about Aoi?" asked Anko.

"He…escaped," said Ibiki, sounding ashamed.

"Pakkun, can you track them?"

The pug lowered his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't smell anything besides the smoke right now. It's burning my nose."

"Right. Head back to the village and ask Lord Third if he can send out a search party. We'll be right behind you, but you'll be faster if you go on ahead."

"Got it." Pakkun turned and bounded off the way they'd come.

"What about the ANBU that were with you?" Anko asked Ibiki.

"They're dead," he said simply.

Kakashi let Anko hold Ibiki once they'd gotten him safely away from the hut, then he summoned his other ninken before ordering them to kick up dirt to help put out the fire.

"You were right," said Ibiki mournfully.

"What?"

"I pushed him too far… Now he's gone."

"You don't know that. We'll find him," said Anko with conviction.

Ibiki didn't respond as he hung his bloodied head.

X-X-X

Shinobi from the Hidden Leaf were dispatched in all directions to attempt to locate Idate and the traitor Aoi. A team was also sent out to find the bodies of the two assassinated ANBU. Meanwhile, Kakashi helped Anko administer first-aid and get Ibiki back to the village where he was quickly admitted to the hospital for the treatment of his wounds and burns. Anko wanted to be with him, but she was denied access until the medical ninja had tended to his injuries and made sure that he was stable.

Anko tensely paced around the waiting room, arms across her torso. Kakashi hadn't left. He leaned against a wall toward the corner of the room, half watching her and half recalling the events of that evening. He had no words to ease her restlessness, but he was thankful that they'd gotten to what was evidently Aoi's hideout before it was too late.

Anko flinched when his hand landed gently on her shoulder.

"He's going to be fine."

She knew that, but her mind was still racing, reeling from the idea that Ibiki could have perished in that fire. There was still no word on Idate, and that made her nervous. She wanted him back, wanted to whack him upside the head and kick his ass before hugging the little idiot. Mostly, though, she knew that if Idate wasn't found, Ibiki would be a wreck.

"Thank you," said Anko after several seconds of silence. "If you hadn't gone with me, Ibiki might…"

"He got out of there on his own. He was lucky we were there to bring him back to the village faster, but he would have been ok without us."

"I hope they find that traitor," she suddenly said darkly. "You saw what that bastard did to him."

"As terrible as it is, Ibiki's wounds will heal."

Recalling the punctures in his skull and the blood pouring from the holes in his head made her shudder, and she tried to shake the image from her mind.

"Hey…" Kakashi began quietly. "I'm…sorry…for the way I acted earlier."

"Forget it. You can hate me for all I care, but I'm glad you were here today…"

Kakashi sighed. "Anko…I don't—"

"Excuse me, Anko?"

She met the gaze of the nurse who'd just entered the room. "Yes? How's Ibiki?"

"He could be better, but he'll recover. Lady Tsunade oversaw his medical treatment. We've closed up the wounds on his head and tended to his burns. He's highly medicated right now to ease his pain and help him rest. If you'd like to see him—"

"Of course I would!" She paused, catching herself. "Uh…please."

The nurse nodded. "Right this way."

Anko was antsy having to follow the nurse's slow pace, but once she'd been shown the room in which they'd placed Ibiki, she rushed to his side. His head was bandaged and there was a patch over his left eye, which had been badly bruised and swollen. She noted again the second angry red slash across his face and felt another surge of anger at Aoi. Anko grasped at Ibiki's hand.

"You're not going to get all mushy on me, are you?" he said, his voice raspy and tired-sounding.

"Shut up! You almost got yourself killed…"

"I'm still here, aren't I?" Somehow, his words came out sounding as though he wished he wasn't.

"Thank goodness…"

"Where's my brother?"

She frowned. "I don't know. They haven't found him yet."

Ibiki slowly closed his visible eye, and she could see the heartache on his face.

"Ibiki…I know what I said, but this isn't your fault."

"Yes. It is," he said in a tone of finality.

Anko sunk down into the chair beside the bed with a quiet sigh, knowing there was no sense in arguing with him. She laid her head against his arm, still holding his hand in hers, glad that one of her brothers was alive, but still worried sick over Idate.

From the doorway, Kakashi's mismatched eyes studied the scene before he turned away, heading back down the hall and out of the hospital to see if a report had arrived yet regarding the whereabouts of the young boy and the traitor Aoi.

X-X-X

Anko stood behind the arm chair in the living room, unwrapping Ibiki's bandages so she could clean and redress the healing wounds. It had been more than a week since the search ended with no trace of Idate. Ibiki had become more somber than usual, his demeanor uncharacteristically sullen. He was quiet, and the silence was uncomfortable.

Finished with her task, she set aside the bandage wrap and retreated to the sofa, picking up her cup of the tea she'd brought in for them. He didn't touch his, and instead continued to stare blankly at some spot on the floor on the other side of the room. The only sound was the oppressive ticking of the wall clock.

He'd told her what had happened: how Aoi had tricked Idate, and then tortured Ibiki into reading the sacred scroll that contained the secret to unleashing the power of the Sword of the Thunder God. He'd told Anko of the threats Aoi had made to kill Idate, and how Ibiki had bluffed not caring about whether his brother lived or died. He also said that he'd broken free and caused the fire himself as a means to free Idate and take care of Aoi, the latter of which he was unfortunately unable to accomplish, though he did get the sacred scroll back. The only comfort Ibiki took in the loss of his brother was knowing that he'd escaped. They could only hope that Aoi hadn't found him again.

Anko didn't know what to say or how to comfort Ibiki. She had watched the guilt, the shame, and the grief play across his face day after day, but all she could do was look away and try her best to respect the fact that he didn't want to be bothered. He hadn't snapped at her. He'd hardly said anything since word had come that Idate was nowhere to be found. She supposed he needed time to heal, both physically and mentally.

Some nights she couldn't stand the depressing silence, and she went out to sit up on the roof and look up at the stars. She prayed that if her parents were up there, that they could somehow look out for Idate, though she felt silly even contemplating such drivel. Still, she missed that kid and kept hoping, like Ibiki, that he would come home soon.

 **A/N:** In case you're wondering why I didn't have Kakashi perform a water-style jutsu to put out the fire, it's because I don't think he copied water-style moves until he faced Zabuza. I could be wrong, but I don't recall him using any of those moves in his ANBU arc. If I'm wrong, oh well. I also noted that the anime is inconsistent with Ibiki's story here. It's implied that Aoi gave him all the marks on his head. Plus, he still had his hair and eyebrows up until the fire. But perhaps they didn't want to show what really happened in the anime? They also switched his clothes for some reason, from ANBU-like gear to the green vest. Not sure why. Their mistakes, not mine!


	13. Chapter 13: Into the Blackness

**A/N:** There's another time jump in this chapter: a two-year time jump to be exact. Anko will be 22: Kakashi and co, 24; Tenzo, 20; Ibiki, 25. There likely won't be many chapters left since we're getting to the end of Kakashi's ANBU career, and I don't plan to go much past his introduction to Team 7. Just a heads up.

Side note/observation: Anko is a strange mix of weirdness-bordering-on-creepiness, bad-assery, and emotionality. I realize that unlike _Anko's Roses_ , this story has much less of the former because it's a generally all-around darker tone, and though I do miss writing a bunch of her fun quirks, too many of them would feel out of place here. No one has commented on this, but rewatching clips of her, I can't forget how incredibly psycho she can be. Ha! That being said, I hope to add some more jokes in here to make sure she's still written like the Anko we know and love.

 _Chapter 13: Into the Blackness_

For a long time after Idate's disappearance from the village, Ibiki was much too quiet, his mood far too dark and sullen. Anko never knew what to do or say in his presence, and the somber state of affairs took a temporary toll on their relationship. Yet, Anko didn't abandon him. She was afraid of what Ibiki might do if he had no one to come home to.

It took a while, but eventually, Ibiki came to grips with the situation. His guilt never truly left, but he had learned to accept the outcome, which was a great relief to Anko. What surprised her, however, was that Ibiki slowly began to change the way he interacted with others, namely the Genin that they now were both in charge of testing for the Chunin Exams. It seemed he had learned something from the mishap with his younger brother, and while he remained a strict proctor with stringent criteria, he softened his demeanor so that he was able to turn those exams into a teachable moment. He explained his rationale in the hopes that those Genin would learn from their mistakes. Instead of tearing them down, he tried to build them up so that they still had the golden bar of his incredibly high standards that they could continue to strive toward.

To Anko's even greater surprise, Ibiki developed a more expansive, yet still dry, sense of humor. He remained serious and intimidating much of the time, but strangely, his new tendency to ease up a bit allowed him to cultivate a little more enjoyment from life's unexpected twists and turns. At first, Anko was unsure how to react to this change, but over time, she grew to accept it, thanking higher powers that Ibiki was evidently going to be okay.

It had been two years since the day of that fateful incident. Ibiki and Anko sat at the kitchen table early one morning, catching some brief sustenance before they were to meet with the planning committee for this year's Chunin Exams.

"You're sure you want to do them again this year?" he asked.

"Are you kidding me? And miss all the fun?" She laughed. "The Forest of Death was made for me to proctor!"

If he'd had any eyebrows left, they would have risen far up into his bandana. "You just like scaring the daylights out of these kids, don't you?"

"Of course. The little runts are so easy to torment."

"Now who's being the harsh one?"

"Awe come on, you know you like scaring them. Fun, isn't it?"

It took him a moment, but Ibiki finally cracked a smile, even going so far as to let out a chuckle. "Sure…"

A few moments later, Ibiki cleared his throat. "Don't you think it's about time you started looking for a place of your own?"

Anko looked at him, surprised and unsure how she should react to that comment. "What, you want to get rid of me?"

"I'm aware that that's what you've wanted for some time. I just wanted to say that you don't have to hang around here anymore. I'm fine you know."

"Ibiki—"

"I don't need you being a mother hen. You should get out of here. Do your own thing.'

She had wanted to find an apartment for the last few years or so, but she'd been afraid to leave the brothers alone. Then, that incident happened, and she'd stayed at Ibiki's side, worried about how he would handle it all. He was right. He didn't need her around any longer, at least not in the way she had been since he'd been kind enough to make sure she had a roof over her head that wasn't full of old ghosts.

A few weeks later, she'd found a place on the North end of the village that she was able to put a deposit down on using the money she'd saved from her missions over the years. When she told her friends, they volunteered to help her move in. She didn't have much from Ibiki's place, but she did take some furniture from her parents'.

Speaking of her parents', Anko had finally decided that it would be best to sell the property altogether. She wasn't likely to ever return there to stay. It was hard to say goodbye for good to her childhood home, but it was better that way. She'd come so far in putting the past behind her; now there was only one thing left to do.

After one last walkthrough of the empty house, she sent up a silent goodbye to her mother and father's home and stepped out the door. She closed it, and the click of the lock echoed like a metaphorical bookend.

Ibiki had been leaning against the outside wall, waiting on her to finish whatever business she had left there. He glanced over at her as she exited the house with an air of finality.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think I am."

He stood straight and placed his arm around her shoulders as they moved forward together.

X-X-X

While things with Ibiki improved and Anko was making her own personal gains, the Kakashi situation hadn't gotten any better. His level of isolation had only gotten worse, as he'd taken to preferring complete solitude, one in which not even Tenzo was welcomed when they weren't working. Kakashi was never mean or rude to Tenzo, but he made it clear that he wanted to be left alone.

Something more sinister than coldness had set in after he'd helped Anko bring an injured Ibiki back to the village, and Anko partially blamed herself yet again for his drastic turn.

 _A few days after they'd returned with Ibiki, Anko crossed paths with Kakashi on her way through the village. She attempted to thank him again for helping her, and more importantly, her surrogate brother, but he had cut her off, sounding bitter and angry._

" _Yeah, whatever," he said._

 _Taken aback by his tone, she crossed her arms and gave him a look that told him she was not amused by his recent mood shift._

" _Oh. We're back to that, huh?"_

" _You mean back to hating each other?"_

 _Anko rolled her eyes. "Cut the melodrama, will you? It's getting old."_

" _That's the word_ you _used."_

" _What the hell are you talking about?" Then she remembered._

"You can hate me for all I care, but I'm glad you were here today…"

 _Anko deflated. "I…I was upset. I'm sorry. But can you blame me? The way you treat me, how would I know any different?"_

" _Save it," he said, pushing past her. "It's not like I care either way."_

Anko had watched him go, dumbfounded and confused. Once she'd gotten over her shock, she had become angry at the implication of his words. _He_ had accused _her_ of treating _him_ unfairly? She had tried countless times to know him, to understand him, to help him, to be there for him—and each and every time, he'd pushed her away. She had dared to show Kakashi how much she cared for him, and he'd shunned her. No amount of heartache could justify the way he'd treated, not only Anko, but his friends as well. If she'd assumed he hated her, he had no one to blame but himself for his own unpredictable behavior.

While she knew she was right for wanting him to take responsibility for his actions, she came to remember that they hadn't gotten to finish their conversation at the hospital. He had been about to tell her that he didn't hate her, and maybe he would have offered some explanation or apology. Anko hadn't given him the chance. He had gone by the time she'd left the hospital, which was exactly what she'd expected. She hadn't remembered that they'd been interrupted by the nurse, and when her thoughts did flicker to Kakashi, she pushed them to the back of her mind because she assumed that he wouldn't want her to seek him out. She'd assumed he'd want to be left alone.

Her worst assumption was that he hated her, and that accusation had clearly hurt him.

" _I'm not heartless, believe it or not."_

Though Anko remained steadfast in her conviction that Kakashi needed to pull himself together and sew up the frayed ends of the past that continued to wreak havoc on his mind, she knew that he was still fragile. His anger and isolation were familiar defenses after more than a decade, and since he'd learned no other way to deal with his thoughts and emotions, she shouldn't have expected anything else from him.

There was also the issue of his continued feelings of worthlessness. Anko was not foolish enough to believe that his desire to die had left him, especially since word had spread that he'd become more reckless during his missions. Though he never endangered the lives of his comrades, he had increasingly begun to take unnecessary risks. The persona he'd adopted as a true reflection of himself was merely that of a useful weapon that didn't deserve good things. It had become a self-fulfilling prophecy for Kakashi.

It worried her; his recklessness along with the length of his distance from others including his teammates in the ANBU. His mood only grew darker, which was different from the usual coldness that she and the others had become accustomed to. Now, Anko, Guy, and Kurenai had congregated at Asuma's place where the discussion had turned from village affairs to Kakashi. Anko kept quiet as the others discussed the situation.

"I can't stand it," said Guy. "Every day, his eyes just get blacker and angrier. I can deal with the coldness, but this…"

"I admit, I'm afraid that we're losing him entirely," said Kurenai.

"Let's not kid ourselves," said Asuma. "We lost him a long time ago."

"Don't say that!" said Kurenai.

"But it's true. Face it. The Kakashi we went to the Academy with is long gone. Unless someone has an idea how to get him back."

"Since you mention it," said Guy. "I do have one."

"Really? What's that?" said Asuma skeptically.

"I say…he needs to leave the ANBU."

Asuma huffed, as though he didn't believe that was a possibility.

"I don't think we could convince him to quit…" said Kurenai.

"You're right. Which is why we need to talk to the man in charge of his tenure as an ANBU agent."

Asuma was silent.

"Lord Third," said Kurenai. "Do you really think he'll release his top ANBU so easily?"

"Lord Third's no idiot," said Guy. "I'm positive he can see what Kakashi's time in the ANBU has done to him. When he went in, he was understandably upset about Rin and Obito's deaths. But now…that grief has turned into something far worse, and if he keeps going down the path he's on, he's not going to end up in a good place."

"I know," said Kurenai. "Now I think we've all see him on the battlefield. There's no passion in him at all, no thought except carrying out his missions to secure the safety of the village. It's like he's…more of a machine than a man. He's so hollow…so empty… I know there's a lot simmering beneath the surface, but he's become a shell of his former self."

"I agree," said Anko at last. The others looked at her as she stood leaning against the doorframe. "His callousness is only growing. At this rate, he'll either end up dead, or, if it goes on long enough, his behavior might become so unpredictable that he could become a liability. I'm positive that the Third Hokage will seriously consider those possibilities and release Kakashi from his command if given a better alternative."

"But what alternative?"

"I think," began Guy. "That perhaps Kakashi would benefit from being a Genin leader."

"Put him in charge of kids?" asked Asuma. "I don't know…Maybe we should start smaller—"

Guy slammed his hands on the table. "No! It's go big, or go home. It's going to take something big to get Kakashi out of this funk he's been in for so long."

"If there's one thing we know for sure," said Anko. "It's that he's dedicated to protecting his comrades at all costs. Perhaps giving him some Genin to look after might be good for him."

"I guess that's a fair point," said Asuma. He shrugged. "Hey, what have we got to lose? It can't make anything worse, right?"

"Not worse than the damage his time in the ANBU has already caused," said Kurenai.

"So, it's agreed then. We'll go speak with Lord Third tomorrow," said Guy.

The next day, the four Jonin knelt before the Third Hokage as they plead their case to free Kakashi from a task that had only proved detrimental to his mental health.

"Lord Third," said Guy. "The ANBU simply isn't for someone like Kakashi."

"I realize that it might not be my place to say this, Lord Third," said Kurenai. "But…it must be said. We've lost too many of our friends already. Watching Kakashi, it's…it's as though he's in a hurry to die."

"And that's the reason why we came up with this idea of putting him in charge of the Genin," said Asuma.

"If he has subordinates to look after, we're sure he'll change," said Anko.

"Huh." Hiruzen looked at each of them thoughtfully. "So you think the same thing as well."

The four of them looked hopefully up at the Hokage.

"You mean—"began Guy.

"Yes," said Hiruzen. "I agree that Kakashi's mental stability has declined, especially recently. I've been thinking for some time that I may need to relieve him of his ANBU duties, for the sake of himself and others. As for putting him in charge of Genin, I've already tossed around the idea and think it's a good one."

"So…you'll reassign him?" asked Anko.

He sighed. "As much as I hate to relinquish my most trusted ANBU, I must do what is best for Kakashi. Keeping him in this role would be a great injustice. Besides, I think this is what Minato would have wanted."

The Jonin bowed their heads, relieved at the Hokage's decision.

"Thank you, Lord Third!" said Guy. "We knew you would understand."

A few days later, news had circulated that Kakashi was no longer a member of the ANBU. Speculation arose as people wondered why one of the most famous members of the special ops had been removed from his post. Anko and the others crossed paths with him one afternoon, and of course Guy couldn't let him go without attempting to say something to the standoffish Jonin.

"Hey Kakashi! We hear you're going to be a Jonin leader! That's pretty exciting stuff, huh?"

Kakashi walked right on by without replying. The expression in his eyes made it appear as though he was too lost in his own head, which was admittedly an improvement over his recent blatant behavior of ignoring them altogether. Either way, Guy deflated when his attempt to strike up a conversation with his friend and proclaimed rival fell flat.

"What did you expect?" asked Anko seriously.

"I don't know—something! Anything!"

"Give him a little time," said Asuma sagely. "He's probably still trying to process the news himself. Think about it: he feels responsible for the deaths of his teammates. It'll likely take him some time to come to grips with his new assignment, which will involve protecting and training young Genin."

X-X-X

Anko found Tenzo sitting on one of the stumps in the middle of the Third Training Ground while he watched Yugao train. She hadn't been searching for him, but his presence was a welcome surprise.

"If you're looking for Captain…I mean…Kakashi," he said. "I'm afraid I have no idea where he is."

"Actually, I wasn't looking for anyone. But it's good to see you," she replied, approaching Tenzo and noticing the strange expression on his face. "Is…everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Of course…I've been promoted to Captain."

"Really? Congratulations," she said with a smile.

"Although, we're still short a team member…"

"Oh. That's tough. How long before you get a replacement?"

He shrugged.

Yugao stopped and sighed. "It won't be the same without Captain Kakashi. Though Captain Tenzo says it's for the best. I guess I agree."

Anko looked at Tenzo questioningly. He finally looked at her squarely. "As great of an ANBU as he was, we could all see that it was taking its toll on him. He's…not the same guy he was when I met him."

"He was totally different when I started working with him," said Yugao. "He was never cheerful or anything, but back then, he wasn't so…dead inside."

That was probably the most apt and succinct way to describe the current Kakashi.

"I never did figure out what was eating him for so long," said Tenzo. "But I think Itachi's betrayal hit him pretty hard." He gave a small, optimistic smile. "But you know, that was a fluke. He's got great leadership skills, and I think if he trains a good group of Genin, it'll pull him out of the rut he's been in."

"You know, I never thought of it that way," said Anko, pleased that Tenzo also thought reassigning Kakashi was the right move.

X-X-X

Kakashi stood in the shade of the trees several meters away from the schoolyard. Though he observed the other students, his attention was mainly on the Uchiha kid and Minato Sense's son, Naruto. Their interactions reminded him a great deal of himself and Obito; the prodigy and the obnoxious idiot. While Minato's son irritated Kakashi for different reasons entirely, he found himself both sympathetic to and disgusted by the Uchiha. In too many ways, he could identify with that kid. It was like looking into a mirror, and it made Kakashi distinctly uncomfortable.

On top of that, he was still uneasy about the idea that he would have to train Genin. His comrades in the ANBU could all take care of themselves. He may have been a squad leader, but he hadn't had to worry much about the safety of his teammates since they were all elites. But Genin? Could he really be trusted with…with…children? And what could he possibly have to offer them in terms of wisdom? He'd done such a bang-up job being a sort of mentor for Itachi, he couldn't _wait_ to see what kind of a failure he'd be when he was placed in the role of a Sensei.

He didn't have to turn around to know that _she_ was behind him. The tension in his shoulders and in his spine was automatic, but he refused to acknowledge her first.

"Hey," said Anko, stepping up to stand beside him. He didn't look at her, and the silence grew oppressive in the long seconds that followed her unimaginative greeting.

Anko, too, noticed the Uchiha kid. She wondered how he'd been doing since that tragedy had struck his entire clan. She waited for Kakashi to respond, but it quickly became clear that he wouldn't. She cleared her throat.

"So… A Jonin leader. That'll be different."

She heard him let out a breath through his nose before he turned toward her. "Why are you here?"

She lifted a brow and crossed her arms. "I wasn't looking for you. I just happened to pass through, and here you are. It's bound to happen when we live in the same village."

His eyes narrowed. "Then apparently this village is too small," he snipped, his tone driven by the extreme discomfort she always seemed to stir up inside him.

Her friendly demeanor fell away entirely. "I don't know what the hell your problem is, Kakashi, but I've had it with your smart remarks. What is the matter with you, anyway?"

"Maybe I don't want to be bothered. Ever thought of that?"

She growled. "I swear, if you don't quit being an ass, I might just strangle you with your own damn headband."

"I dare you to try."

"Argh!" She lunged forward and grabbed the collar of his vest with both hands, looking up into his icy glare with fiery fury.

Kakashi held fast to the cold, callous mask, but on the inside, he was ashamed to admit that he wanted nothing more than to retreat. The heat of anger and passion in her eyes were just as haunting as the gentle, forgiving kindness he'd witnessed in her face that day four years ago before she'd kissed him, unexpectedly and without hesitation.

Then again, everything about Anko was haunting. She was full of contradictions that baffled and scared him. While he was constantly chased by his ghosts and demons, was it any wonder that the glimmer of light in the shadows would frighten a heart that had become so used to the darkness? He was both captivated and cautious of the flame that seemed to follow him, whether he was training with his teammates or lying alone in bed, staring at ceiling in the darkness of his bleak and lonely apartment. Like a child, he wanted to reach out and touch it, but wisdom told him that the fire would only burn. There was nothing he could do but try with all his might to put it out, especially since he had other, more important things to sort out at the moment. He didn't want or need to be distracted by her again.

He held his ground, pouring all the cold resentment he could muster into that one visible grey eye as he continued to glare down at her. He could see the hurt seep into her gaze, and he knew he was winning this battle of wills.

Sure enough, Anko pushed away from him and turned around, putting some distance between them. Her hands were balled into fists.

"I don't know why I even bother," she muttered bitterly.

That familiar pain that he loathed came back to him; sympathy for the woman, and guilt over his own inability to be sensitive to her emotions. It didn't escape his notice the great effort she so clearly put into trying to remain at his side and support him no matter how many times he'd pushed her away.

"I don't know either," he said as he began to leave.

Anko didn't turn back around even though she registered a hint of regret in his words. Still, it was hard for her to process what she might have heard. She'd fallen into chastising herself for continuing to let a jerk like Kakashi hurt her over and over when all she'd tried to do time and time again was be kind.

A memory came back to her, one she frequently revisited:

 _Anko looked on as Kakashi hesitated, then turned his attention to her and carefully stepped forward. The remaining pain in her head and her mind faded as she concentrated on the black holes in the dog mask where his eyes remained hidden from her. While her heartrate had come down in the last few minutes, it spiked again as he drew nearer and slowly knelt before her chair._

 _He lifted his hand and removed the mask, his mismatched eyes meeting hers in the blue, hazy light. There was a gentleness in his expression; no doubt he could tell that this process hadn't been pleasant for her so far. An unfamiliar warmth spread throughout her body, and she felt it most in her face and cheeks. He didn't have to say a word for her to shift her attention to his blazing Sharingan, and she fell…_

 _That blood-red eye should have brought her fear. Instead, the iris spun, sucking her into a beautiful connection of minds. The fall felt infinite, but not the least bit frightening. Kakashi's will surrounded her and held her captive in a gentle peace, guiding her safely into the depths of her own psyche. In that moment, she knew for certain she could trust him with her life, her mind, and her spirit. Her heart quickly followed._

To say that Kakashi was rough around the edges was sadly an understatement. He seemed to grow even more so as the years passed by, one after another. Whenever Anko began to question whether or not she should just leave him well enough alone to drown in his own darkness, she recalled the memory of his Sharingan, and how she'd felt first-hand the soft, kind, and gentle soul that was hidden by ever-expanding layers of jagged defenses.

Despite those defenses, he had been there for Anko when she'd needed him most. How could she possibly give up on him now?

X-X-X

She tried to talk herself out of it, but since she was now once again watching from the shadows of trees that surrounded the Third Training Ground, clearly she hadn't done a great job of it. At least this time, however, she could rationalize why she was there: she wanted to see first-hand how Kakashi would handle those three kids he'd been charged with. How would he speak to them? What test would he give? What were his criteria? She was also anxious to see how he would react to them.

Still, Anko was careful to stay far enough back that there was little chance of him (or his charges) of spotting her.

"You're curious, too, are you?"

Anko jumped in surprise at being caught.

"L-Lord Third!"

His expression was serious, yet calm and reassuring. "I understand. You are concerned for him, as am I." He looked out across the training ground where the three kids stood, Kakashi now approaching them, and Anko followed his gaze. "Let's see how he does."

The first thing Anko noticed was Kakashi's total lack of emotion. True, most of his face was covered as usual, but that one grey eye was dull and passionless. When he spoke, his tone was the same.

"Alright, I'm going to be your Jonin leader, and My name's Kakash—"

"Kakashi-Sensei, right?" one kid interrupted.

"Look, never mind the formalities," intoned another. "Let's just get started already!"

That one reminded Anko of Tenzo in looks, but his attitude was all wrong. She almost rolled her eyes.

Kakashi seemed mildly surprised at the interruption, but it quickly left his face as he skipped to the important information.

"The chance that you'll fail at this task is over sixty-six percent. In other words, one of you three will not get a bell and will be sent back to the Academy." He appeared to take a deep breath, letting it out as though he was trying to will himself patience.

"Ok," he said. "Let's get started."

There was no preamble. There was no significant interaction. Both Kakashi and the kids seemed in a hurry to get this test over with. The boys ran at Kakashi, utilizing no formations or strategies. They struck individually, their strikes dodged and countered with an ease one would expect from a former member of the ANBU. They didn't lack skill; they lacked planning and teamwork, which were arguably much more vital.

Anko wondered briefly what Kakashi might do with that knowledge, but she quickly realized that not only wasn't his heart in this assignment, but his head wasn't either. He was distracted, his thoughts in another place, or perhaps even another time. Even distracted, he was able to evade being hit. Yet his form was eerily disengaged. His hands were in his pockets and he looked as though he was simply going through the motions.

Anko saw him shake his head, as though trying to snap himself out of his wayward thoughts as he dodged another blow from the blonde kid, throwing him backward.

"I've got to thank you for letting me get that bell first," said the one with the headgear.

"Looks to me like you're going to be left behind," said the third squad member. He ran at Kakashi, trying to take out his footing, but Kakashi evaded, and pinned him with one foot. The mouthy one attempted to strike with a kunai, but only received a kick to the gut.

There was a lull in the action as the three kids attempted to recuperate from the blows they'd taken. Anko saw Kakashi's demeanor change as he moved backward, away from them. The disinterest that was present in the visible portion of his face before was replaced by growing anger and resolve. He looked from one kid to the next with something akin to disgust.

Anko quickly realized that like Ibiki, he would fail to use their mistakes as teachable moments. He was jumping the gun, passing judgement on those boys without giving them a chance to improve.

"You're so clumsy," said the blonde one to one of his teammates as he got to his feet. "You're a disgrace to the name Shinobi!"

"Yeah right," said the one with the headgear. "Just speak for yourself! You are!"

"Dammit," said the black-haired kid, shaking his head. "Of all the rotten luck. Why'd I have to get lumped together with losers like you?"

"Say that again!"

The blonde one nearly doubled-over laughing. "Man, this is hilarious! Both of you guys are so ridiculous!" He stepped toward the others. "Hey, you know what? I just had a really fantastic idea."

"Huh, what a coincidence. A good one just occurred to me, too."

"Yeah, me too."

They seemed to huddle up before the mouthy one spoke again.

"Look, we don't want to give Sensei too hard a time, right?"

"That's right. That's the reason why—"

" _I will decide which of you drops out!_ "

Anko was just as dumbstruck as Kakashi. They were teammates—comrades, not enemies. She grew nervous, especially when that anger and disgust returned to his expression.

They ran at each other, disregarding the assignment entirely and opting to fight amongst themselves. Anko suppressed a groan.

"What are they doing? Idiots…"

"It seems they still have much to learn," said the Hokage.

Before they could reach one another, Kakashi materialized in the middle of their attacks, effectively stopping the misguided madness and blowing them all back onto their behinds. They looked up at him in shock.

"That's enough," he said, his patience gone. "All of you fail." He turned to look at each one of them, and Anko's heart sunk into her stomach when she saw that icy glare that pulled no punches. "You're going back to the Academy."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed as he spoke. "It seems the darkness has not yet been driven from his heart."

Anko dropped her head as Kakashi disappeared, leaving the boys alone and dumbstruck. It was like watching Ibiki and Idate all over again, only worse, because this time, Kakashi had no concern from those kids. Just as she'd thought, he'd judged them as worthless. She agreed that they had much still to learn, and that sending them back to the Academy was the right call. However, his total dismissal of them bothered her greatly.

The Hokage laid a hand on her shoulder. "Give him time. He'll come around, you'll see."

X-X-X

"He failed them all?" asked Asuma.

"That's what I heard," said Guy.

"The Genin are all talking about it," said Kurenai. "Seems Kakashi already has a bad reputation among the young ones."

"You're kidding."

"Those maggots deserved to fail," said Anko, plopping down beside the other woman.

"Wha—you were there?" said Guy.

"Yeah. They couldn't work together as a team and instead turned on each other."

"I'm sure that went over real well with Kakashi," said Asuma.

"I guess that means our plan is on hold for another year," said Kurenai sadly. "That's a shame."

Guy looked put out.

A while later, the four Jonin went their separate ways. Kurenai followed Anko.

"What's eating you?" she asked. "I know we're all disappointed that it didn't work out this time like we'd hoped, but…something else is troubling you. What is it? What did you see?"

Anko sighed, her hands buried in her coat pockets. "You had to be there. The way he looked at those kids…it was like he thought they were useless. They disgusted him. I meant what I said: they were idiots that deserved to get sent back to the Academy, but they're still…just kids."

Kurenai didn't seem too bothered by this new information. She looked up at the sky in thought as they walked.

"After Obito's death, there was something Kakashi said that I think still drives his mentality."

"Which was?"

"He said: It's true that those who don't follow the rules are scum; but those who would abandon even one of their comrades…are worse than scum. Perhaps his grading criteria involves that very sentiment."

"Come to think of it, you might be right," said Anko, reflecting on the situation.

"If they would rather turn on each other than work together, then I'm sure all he could see was the tragedy that befell his own team."

"Of course he wouldn't want it to happen again."

"That's right. For now, I suppose all we can do is be patient. There's always next year."


	14. Chapter 14: The Journal

**A/N:** Ok, so in watching the second-to-last episode in Kakashi's ANBU arc, I don't know wtf timeline it's going by. Isn't there only one graduating class a year? Or is it every 6 months? Either way, I thought Guy got his squad at the same time Kakashi got the second one he failed. But then how is Guy able to ask his team if they want to go for the Chunin exams? So they're talking about the Chunin exams, about Kakashi failing his 2nd team when that's not news by that point, and then…the Hokage comes in with the graduating pictures of Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura…ALL IN THE SAME 2 MINUTE CONVERSATION! I even watched the subbed version, and those contradictions are STILL THERE. I'm confused, and just…I guess I'll have change some things to make it work, because that makes no sense.

 _Chapter Fourteen: The Journal_

Another year, another team. Once again, Anko stood in the shadows, unable to stave off her curiosity and keep her distance. The Hokage was not with her this time, and as she watched Kakashi's test unfold, it was evident that he'd modified the rules from the previous year. Other than that, it seemed that nothing had really changed.

"Big Brother," said the boy in blue. "You sure about this?"

"Yeah, maybe we shouldn't eat the bento lunches," said the one with the green beanie.

The one in black was tied to one of the posts, having attempted to take what was meant to be Kakashi's lunch. "Look you guys, give it a rest. Just trust me. Have I ever been wrong before?"

The other two hesitated, then shook their heads.

"Yeah, but…Kakashi-Sensei's gone," said the one in the beanie.

"Quit nit-picking, alright? Just listen to me. We're supposed to follow the rules."

Their stomachs growled. The boys looked at each other, and at their tied-up brother. He nodded at them, and they nodded in return before they began to wolf down their food.

It didn't take long for Kakashi to emerge from his hiding place, and the brother who had taken charge seemed eager to report his brothers' success.

"Kakashi-Sensei! I'm sorry, Sensei, I failed. By my kid brothers, they followed the rules!"

Kakashi hesitated a moment before he spoke. "The three of you… Each of you did obey my orders. You stuck to the rules, that's true; but you didn't follow the unwritten rule, the thing that's most important to a Shinobi."

They all frowned, clearly unhappy and feeling like they'd been fooled.

"And what's that?" asked the one in blue indignantly.

"Why you old—"

They all stopped talking when they were met with Kakashi's glare.

"You'll find out," he said icily. "When you all go back to the Academy."

Anko sighed, tuning out the protests from the kids. They'd done far better than last year's team since they had been focused on completing the task rather than jumping at each others' throats. Surely with a little guidance they'd have made a good group of Genin.

She turned away and walked back through the woods. It really was just like watching Ibiki all over again. Anko just hoped that this time, it wouldn't take a tragedy to turn Kakashi around.

X-X-X

Guy had been assigned a squad of Genin that he was excited to announce had passed his test criteria, which consisted mainly of a commitment to will-power and perseverance. The tears he shed were tears of joy, and they all forgave his obnoxiousness for the time being. Asuma had been assigned a team the previous year, and they had already advanced to Chunin. He had opted to sit this year out, but would take on new students next year.

"I'm so happy, I never knew having a group of youngins would fill my life with such joy!"

"Relax, Guy," said Anko. "You barely just met the little maggots."

"But they've already grown on me so fast! I love those guys!"

"Careful not to smother them," said Asuma.

"By the way," said Kurenai. "I've been meaning to ask you: what's it like being in charge of fresh Academy graduates anyway?"

"Probably a pain in the ass," said Anko with a chuckle.

"Come on, you really wouldn't like it?" Kurenai asked.

"Eh. I'm cool with being a proctor, but I don't think I'm cut out for teaching."

"Lord only knows what _your_ squad would come out looking like when _you_ were through with them," said Asuma in good humor.

She could have protested, but what for? He was right, of course. She enjoyed tormenting the young ones far too much. They all had a good laugh, however Kurenai was the first to sober up.

"I'm glad you got a good group, Guy. However, I'm still worried about Kakashi." They all grew silent as she continued. "He failed every one of them again, just like the last time."

"That's not what really concerns me, though," said Asuma.

"That's right," said Guy. "That's not such a big deal, but the darkness inside Kakashi's heart is a real problem."

"Yeah," Kurenai agreed. "He's still carrying it around. I mean, they were my classmates as well, and I grieved them. But still, at some point, you've got to move on."

"Yeah, I know."

So did Anko. She didn't tell the others that she'd witnessed the latest group flunk his test. She found it difficult to erase the image of his one-eyed glare. Anko didn't want to dwell on him anymore than she already had been, and so she opted to put the focus back on the positive.

"Come on. I know we're all concerned, but let's let Guy have his moment."

Asuma and Kurenai looked at Anko, and then at each other.

"You're right," said Kurenai. "This is cause for celebration."

"You're darn right it is!" agreed Guy. "Another round of dumplings, on me!"

"To Guy's new team!"

X-X-X

Kakashi sat on a bench at the playground, watching the children play. He felt conflicted regarding his failing of the second team in a row. On the one hand, he knew he couldn't pass Genin who couldn't work together as a team, and who didn't understand the value of choosing the lives of their comrades over abiding by the rules; but once again, the village was abuzz with whisperings and rumors. They said he was bitter and angry, and that he was taking his tragic past out on promising students. They said he was unfair. They said he was heartless.

If they only knew the pain that still ate at his heart each and every day…

Anko caught sight of Kakashi and stopped momentarily. She contemplated saying something to him, but thought better of it, knowing it would only end the same way it always seemed to anymore.

Where had he gone, the Kakashi she'd met back when she'd returned to the village? He'd been broken then, too, but now he seemed utterly shattered.

No, it wouldn't do any good to bother him. He was never interested in anything she had to say. Turning away, she moved along the path back into town.

He had noticed her presence. It was impossible not to. He'd stiffened when he'd realized that she wasn't too far behind him, trying decide whether he should fight or flee. When she left instead of approaching, he found he didn't feel any better. In fact, he felt worse. Had she given up? Didn't he want her to?

He'd known she'd been watching that training session. She'd seen it all. Had he been wrong to fail them? Was she disappointed in him?

He stood abruptly, glancing upward to scowl at the sky, which was too bright and too blue to suit his mood. He neither needed nor wanted her approval. At least she'd finally learned to leave him alone.

There was no use hiding from the world. Most people kept their distance now. Kurenai and Asuma usually still greeted him, but he simply didn't feel like talking to others. Guy didn't give up either, though he never pushed too far. The only one who ever did had clearly decided it was no longer worth her time.

They passed one another frequently. He typically met her gaze with apathy, but he couldn't read Anko's expression. He thought it was somewhere between sadness and disappointment. Probably mostly disappointment. She never hesitated anymore, simply continued on about her business.

He should have felt relieved, but he didn't. On one such day, he had been reading on that same bench she'd found him before. When she passed, she didn't stop. They shared that same look again, and when she was gone, he slowly closed his book and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Maybe she really had given up on him.

Yet the less contact he had with her, the more she invaded his mind. For so long, he'd believed he was only meant to serve as a tool to protect the Hidden Leaf. That was all he was good for, wasn't it? Then, Lord Third had pulled the rug out from under him and his beliefs, relieving him from his ANBU duties and assigning him to be a Jonin leader. So far, he hadn't proven himself useful in that capacity at all. The only consolation he had was that he'd prevented two squads who lacked teamwork from becoming Shinobi and getting themselves—or more accurately, each other—killed.

Ever since Kakashi had left the ANBU, he found he lacked a purpose. He still had missions, but he suspected that the Hokage was giving him lower-ranked ones on purpose so that he had no excuse to fall back into how he had operated for the last decade as an ANBU agent. He was not allowed to utilize his full potential, and therefore, he felt useless, especially since he hadn't actually succeeded in becoming a Jonin leader.

With his entire self-image ripped away from him, what was he supposed to do now?

' _Who am I kidding?'_ he thought as he lay awake staring at his bedroom ceiling. _'I lost myself before that.'_

But when?

That memory returned:

 _He was standing before the Memorial Stone at sunset while he silently begged for someone to help him understand himself. She stepped in front of him, drawing his full attention._

" _I see a man who's kind and compassionate, but also strong and unyielding. I see someone who's both powerful and gentle. An unbreakable Shinobi with a fragile heart. You've had to endure immense loss, and you're still suffering, strangled by guilt and shame that can only exist because of an unshakable moral compass. Blinded so much by that shame and that guilt that your greatest desire is to be redeemed through giving your own life, a life you feel unworthy of because you've yet to reconcile with your past."_

 _Several emotions flickered in his eyes: confusion; disbelief; denial; sadness; fear; that aforementioned shame. He looked away, caught between wanting to believe it and not being able to. How could she see anything good in him? And yet…how could she understand so much?_

 _The weight of her hand on his chest startled him, and he snapped his attention back to her face. Was she holding back tears? They couldn't be for him. He tried to decipher what else lay in the depths of those eyes, but those emotions were unfathomable. He thought he saw…_

 _No. That was impossible._

… _Wasn't it?_

 _Her lips pressed against his through the cloth of his mask, and he froze. For a brief moment, those emotions in her eyes made sense…and then they didn't, and he couldn't stand how bitter-sweet it felt, not when it felt more bitter than sweet…_

He'd run. Like a coward, he'd run, and he'd been running ever since. Yet he couldn't outrun the memory. He wanted to toss it aside, but at the same time, he didn't want to let it go. He wasn't quite sure why. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that all those years ago, it had been Anko who'd begun the process of uprooting his bleak self-image. At the time, he hadn't been ready to confront the possibility that she may have been right.

Now, that kiss continued to linger, always in the back of his mind to remind him that there may still be hope; that he might not just be a useful tool; or that he might not be a failure after all.

However…did it matter anymore if she'd quit? If she'd walked away from him for good?

Slowly, and with a sigh of self-loathing, Kakashi closed his eyes to the darkness. _'Great job, you fool…'_

X-X-X

Guy had thrived in the position of Jonin leader. They all sat at the dango shop while Guy discussed his latest source of pride in his students.

"Taking a pass on the Chunin Exams?" asked Asuma. "Wow, really Guy? That's unusually cautious of you."

"Yeah, I would have thought you'd be the first to recommend your students," said Anko.

"I know," he replied thoughtfully. "But that group of kids…I asked them if they wanted to participate, and they all thought it was better to be patient and wait until they'd gotten even better. That way, they'd have a better chance at making Chunin." He took a large bite of his dumplings, joyful tears streaming down his face. "Those students I've got make me so happy! I never knew I could be this lucky!" He raised his arm to get the server's attention. "Dumplings! More dumplings, _please_!"

"Coming right up!"

"Ok, I really don't get it, but this is so like you," said Asuma.

Kakashi strolled on by the shop just then, and of course it didn't escape Guy's notice. It didn't escape Anko's either.

"Hey Kakashi!" shouted Guy while Anko smartly said nothing. "Why don't you come on over here and join us? We've got some delicious dumplings!"

The silver-haired Jonin stopped briefly, the look he gave them an irritated, contemptuous one before he moved on. Just like that, the mood at their table had dampened.

"What's with him anyway?" asked Guy. "His eyes are as cold as ever, like he never left the ANBU."

"I don't understand why," said Kurenai.

"I always knew that the bleak atmosphere of the ANBU would make him become more sullen and withdrawn." Guy paused. "I don't know," he said, twirling his dango stick. "Maybe we four never should have interfered in the first place. We all thought that if he were away from the ANBU and instead were in charge of young, would-be Shinobi, things would hold more promise for him, but uh…"

"Lord Third," said Kurenai, Asuma and Anko following her gaze to the man behind Guy.

"What? Lord Third—? Ah! Lord Third!" Guy exclaimed, jumping up in surprise.

"Hm. Please, sit down, all of you," said Hiruzen calmly. "Relax and finish your tea. In fact, I'll have a cup as well." He took a seat beside Guy, nodding to the server, who knew the exact tea that the Hokage would request. She went to fetch it without an exchange of words. "So, what seems to be the problem? Still worried about Kakashi, I assume?"

"Can you blame us?" asked Anko. "We thought he'd get better, but he's not. He's worse…"

"He seems so lost that I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever find his way back," said Guy.

"I think we all are," said Asuma. "So far, it's not looking too promising. He's already failed two teams."

The server brought the Hokage his tea, and Hiruzen took a slow sip as he contemplated their concerns. "Ah, I think I see," he said at last before he gave a chuckle.

"And just what's so funny?" said Asuma, getting to his feet. "You know, I've noticed that you always treat us like we're little kids!"

"Asuma!"

"Oh, forgive me for laughing. And I must admit you're right: I do treat you like children."

"Well quit it! We're not worried for nothing you know! Can't you see there's something seriously wrong here?"

"I'm sure he's well aware," said Anko flatly. "Now would you sit down and let him speak?" This wasn't about Asuma's issues with his father: this was about Kakashi.

Kurenai looked up at Asuma with a pleading expression, her fingers tentatively touching his arm. It took several seconds of awkward silence before Asuma reclaimed his seat.

"I know that Kakashi has faced a rough transition from the ANBU. Yet, can we all not agree that changes of this nature take time? It seems to me that Kakashi is still healing in more ways than one. I share your frustration and concern, truly. However, I don't look at his handling of his previously assigned teams as failures."

"What do you mean, Lord Third?" asked Guy.

Hiruzen took another slow sip before continuing. "A teacher trains his students of course. But at the same time, learns from them. It is only through mutual respect and growth that you can foster a true teacher-pupil relationship. It's my sincere hope that each of you will nurture such relationships with your pupils. And of course, I wish that for Kakashi as well."

He pulled something from an inner pocket of his robes, spreading the pages out on the table.

"Wait, Lord Third, is that what I think it is?" said Guy.

"Oh my, this was supposed to remain secret for now!" he replied with a conspiratorial smile. "But this is the list of Academy graduates that will soon be under Kakashi's tutelage. Seems like a group of highly individual kids."

The four Jonin stared down at the images with disbelief and skepticism.

"Hold on, isn't that the Uchiha kid?" asked Anko. "And Lord Fourth's—"

"Indeed it is."

"And one of the top Kunoichis in that class," said Asuma thoughtfully. "What's the meaning of this?"

"I assure you, I've thought carefully about the next squad assignments, particularly this one. I only ask that you have faith in my judgement, as well as faith in Kakashi and these kids."

As the four Jonin walked through the streets after leaving the dango shop, they continued to discuss the Kakashi dilemma. They hadn't lost faith in their friend, but they had run out of ideas for aiding him.

"Perhaps we should all try talking to him," said Kurenai.

"I doubt he'd let us," said Asuma. "He'd just disappear before we got a word in."

"You're right about that," conceded Guy. "He's pretty elusive these days."

"Hey."

They turned and looked at Anko, who had stopped as a thought occurred to her.

"Huh?"

She looked at each of them and grinned. "I think I have an idea."

X-X-X

With one hand behind his back, Kakashi climbed straight up toward the top of the cliff that stood majestically behind the village. It was a training exercise he'd started when he'd first entered the Academy, and he'd retained it to keep his physical condition at peak performance. Not that it mattered too much lately because he hadn't been sent on any really physically demanding missions in far too long. Though that made it more important for him to make the one-handed journey up the mountain since he wasn't getting much of a workout in the field these days.

Climbing was also a way to take his mind off of his continuously racing thoughts since his focus had to be perfect to avoid falling. It was a distraction, one that he welcomed without complaint.

At last, his hand found the flat earth at the top, and he focused all his energy into pulling himself up. As his elbows cleared the ledge, a shadow fell over him, and he looked up, his heart jumping into his throat and his thoughts returning to things he felt too unworthy to revisit.

"Doing the same ridiculous training exercises as Guy I see. Though I've got to admit, climbing all the way up here with only one arm is pretty damn impressive," Anko commended with a grin.

Kakashi finished pulling himself up and got to his feet. "And you're here because…?"

"Because I'm a nibshit, why else?"

Though he was still trying to catch his breath, he managed another glare. "You know what I mean."

"Oh spare me," she said, waving away his attitude. "We need to talk."

"There's nothing I want to talk to you about," he said, moving past her with the full intention of finding a way to subvert all thoughts of her.

She turned and grabbed his arm, spinning him around abruptly and taking him by surprise.

"What the—?"

"Listen here, Hatake! I've got something to say, and you're damn well going to stand there and take it like a man, you got it?!"

"I—"

"Shut up!"

He blinked back at her, speechless. Then he turned his head slightly, looking at her with a squinted, sideways glance.

"You're not giving me a choice, are you?"

"What gave it away, genius?"

He sighed. It didn't look like she was going to let him get away this time. Odd. Why was that somewhat of a relief?

"Alright, spit it out then."

Taking a moment to gather her courage, Anko looked him straight in the eye.

"Kakashi, for years I've watched you, and I've tried to understand the battle you've been going through. At first, I didn't know the source of your inner turmoil, but once I figured it out, I tried to show you that you're more than the culmination of your past mistakes. Clearly, it didn't work…and it seemed that all I ever managed to accomplish was to push you further and further away. Further into isolation and darkness. So then I thought, maybe it would be best if I left you alone; if I didn't interfere.

"But whether I do nothing or something, I'm always asking myself if there was anything I could have done differently to help you. And then I realized…you and I…we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't."

Kakashi looked at her, studying her expression and wondering where she would take this discussion.

"We all have a choice to do something or nothing. Lately, I've tried doing nothing, and that hasn't helped either. So I've come to the conclusion that anything is better than taking no action at all. I know you have to fight your own battles, but that doesn't mean you have to face them alone. You pretend not to care because it's easier that way, but I…your friends…we haven't given up on you, and we never will."

A strange wave of relief washed over him, and he could no longer muster up the guise of agitated apathy that he'd worn for what felt like ages. She hadn't given up on him after all. He questioned his reaction to that revelation.

"So you're…not going to leave me alone anymore," he said flatly.

She set her jaw and her eyes grew hard with resolve. "I'm not going to let you bully me into enabling your self-imposed isolation anymore. It's obviously not working very well, and dammit, your friends are all growing increasingly worried about you! And don't tell me you don't care about them, because if you didn't, you wouldn't still be calculating your usefulness to the village, and ultimately to protect your friends and comrades!"

"I would have thought you'd quit by now. Seems I'm a pretty hopeless cause, even to myself."

She gave a genuine smile. "That's the funny thing about faith: if you believe in it enough, nothing's hopeless."

He had nothing to say to that, so he didn't even try. As much as he'd attempted to deny it, he'd known for a while now that Anko had had him pegged almost from the get-go. It was strange and disconcerting that while Kakashi kept himself covered both physically and mentally, somehow this woman could see the man behind the mask. Like a snail being poked, he cringed and ducked inside his shell each time Anko managed to unveil a piece of him that he fought so valiantly to hide. Yet, he always kept one eye open to see what she would do next. She always seemed to surprise him, and what she did next was no exception.

Anko stepped toward him, reaching into her coat pocket and removing book. She held it out to Kakashi, and he glanced down at it, confused.

"We thought you could use some new reading material."

Tentatively, he reached out to take what appeared to be a journal as he read the hand-written title: _How a Shinobi Should Live_.

He blinked, looking back to Anko to find that she was already turning away from him with a smug grin on her face.

"I've taken up enough of your time, and your patience I imagine. I guess I'll see you around, huh Kakashi?" she said with a casual, lazy wave.

He watched her go, frozen in place for several long minutes while he processed that (mostly one-sided) conversation. When he got a hold of himself at last, he glanced back down at the journal in his hand. He was curious to know what was inside it, and yet he was afraid to open its binding.

X-X-X

 _The life of a Shinobi is a tough one, full of expectations that we continually strive to meet. Some of those expectations are placed upon us by those we look up to, but others are formed within our own heads. We want to be like our role models, like the great Shinobi who played a part in shaping the image we have of the warriors we want to be._

 _Through childlike eyes, we emulate our heroes, and we try with all our might to be as noble, as honorable, as selfless, as wise, or as strong as we perceive them to be. Yet, too many times, we forget that our beloved heroes are only human, and that they only reached the pinnacle of greatness by making their own mistakes rather than following safely in the footsteps of their mentors. In the latter cases, those Shinobi will never be great because they will forever be relegated to stand in the shadow of those who came before them._

 _For some Shinobi, standing within those shadows appears safer. There is comfort in clinging to the ways of their mentor since it gives the illusion that one cannot possibly make a misstep. However, the identity of the student is not the mirrored identity of the teacher. They are themselves their own entities, destined to choose their own unique paths._

 _It is fear that keeps a Shinobi from reaching his true potential. A Shinobi can be fierce in battle; but in his heart, if he is afraid, then he will never recognize his greater purpose. That, it can be argued, is the greatest waste of a Shinobi, for he is not simply a tool, but a human being who desires self-actualization and a place among his peers._

— _Asuma Sarutobi_

 _X-X-X_

 _We as Shinobi are often revered for our strength and our position as protectors. We are masters of Ninjutsu, Genjutsu, and Taijutsu. Our training is often specific to honing these skills so that we may become more effective in battle and in protecting the safety and security of our home, our comrades, and our way of life. Those who take up the mantle of a Shinobi are aware that they may be asked to put their life on the line, and they are more than willing to make the ultimate sacrifice should that course of action become necessary._

 _Sometimes we forget, though, that a Shinobi's honor is not determined simply by their willingness to throw themselves before the sword of an enemy. So eager are we to prove ourselves that we may become reckless with our own lives, forgetting entirely that there is more to us than the name 'Shinobi.'_

 _A Shinobi is not only a warrior: they may also be a mother or father; a daughter or son; a grandparent or grandchild; a student or a teacher; a comrade or a friend. We play many roles in our lives, and we must remember that we are needed in ways that can't always be met on the battlefield. To die for the greater wellbeing of our village is a noble sacrifice, this is true; but those who love and care for us cannot raise us from the grave once the last breath leaves our bodies. In death, we can no longer fulfill the roles we possessed in life._

 _Thus, a Shinobi should not live to die, for their value cannot possibly be measured by a willingness to self-sacrifice alone. Instead, they should live every day as though it may be their last, taking advantage of the wonders that this life has to offer. A Shinobi should hold close those they care for, and remember the value of the relationships that they will forever be a part of. They would also do well to recall with frequency how much they are loved and needed in the most human of ways. If a Shinobi takes nothing for granted, his eventual death will be both mourned and celebrated, and he will leave behind a legacy that will be remembered for generations. He will be remembered, not just a ninja, but as a person well-loved and greatly respected._

— _Kurenai Yuhi_

 _X-X-X_

 _A Shinobi cannot ever be conceived in the singular. It is an undeniable truth that any single Shinobi is the result of a collective. From fathers and teachers to teammates and rivals, a Shinobi is formed by the energy of those who surround him. He doesn't want to disappoint his father, nor fail before his teacher. He does not want to become a burden to his teammates, nor does he want to stand forever in the shadow of his rivals. A Shinobi strives always to be the best he can be, and this is a goal he cannot reach alone or without adversity._

 _He will be tested over and over again, but it's his drive to be somebody in the eyes of those around him that gives him the strength and the sheer willpower to keep going even when the going gets rough. For the true Shinobi, this drive is not selfish. Instead it serves to reward others for their faith in him by producing an outstanding individual who isn't measured by his skill, but by his heart and determination._

 _No single Shinobi can stand alone. He can neither live nor die in isolation, the lone, untouchable hero of his own story in which he reached greatness by himself only to sacrifice that greatness without a cause. While a Shinobi's purpose is to serve and protect their comrades, they must never forget that without their comrades, he would be nothing. It was they who marveled at his successes and supported him even when he failed. It was they who served as the motivating factor, allowing him to reach his highest potential. Through his shining moments and his darkest days, they molded him._

 _It is this truth that each Shinobi eventually comes to recognize. When he does, he gains a greater appreciation for those around him, as well as all the events that have and will continue to transform him._

— _Might Guy_

 _X-X-X_

"… _The actions of a Shinobi have no merit—no worth—if he doesn't know for what or whom he's fighting. Further, his life is meaningless without a sense of belonging and purpose, as is his death. Better to live and die as part of something greater than to give one's life without appreciating the value of that sacrifice…"_

— _Tenzo_

"… _The greatest Shinobi inspire others without effort. They are humble even while they understand the importance of the role they play…"_

— _Yugao Uzuki_

"… _A Shinobi knows his worth, and he sets his mind to disproving the nay-sayers through his actions…"_

— _Choza Akimichi_

"… _In battle, a Shinobi is fierce for the good of his comrades and for his own survival. On the home front, however, he knows how to respect his kin and comrades by approaching them with an effort to understand…"_

— _Shikaku Nara_

"… _Shinobi appreciate and support one another, looking to the future rather than the past or present to guide their actions. It is the job of each Shinobi to secure a brighter future for the younger generations…"_

— _Inoichi Yamanaka_

"… _Never underestimate the value of quiet confidence…"_

— _Genma Shiranui_

"… _Though the job of a Shinobi may appear as though it goes without saying, there is still a niche—a calling—for each individual. For some, it comes naturally. Others may search their entire careers trying to find it…"_

— _Raido Namiashi_

"… _A Shinobi must learn how and when to be unmovable; but he must also learn when to allow himself to be moved by compassion and a desire to positively impact the lives of others…"_

— _Ibiki Morino_

"… _The greatest gift a Shinobi can give is to pass on the lessons he's learned to budding young minds, and to bolster them with hopes and dreams for a better future…"_

— _Master Jiraiya_

"… _The life of a Shinobi can be grueling, no doubt. It comes with the stipulation that one must be willing to give everything he has for the greater good of all who depend on him. The tricky part is knowing what to give and when, for sacrifice can come in many forms. It might require one to relinquish his pride, cast aside previous misconceptions, impart wisdom, or acquiesce to giving others another chance…"_

— _Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage_

 _X-X-X_

 _What defines a Shinobi? It all depends on who you ask, but most would agree that a Shinobi is more than just a tool; of use until he becomes obsolete. We all have our own reasons for choosing this path, but typically our preconceptions change with time and experience. We learn from our peers and mentors, as well as from our own mistakes, and we are always reformulating our definition of what it means to be a Shinobi._

 _We are neither Gods nor servants. We are not relegated to reign over others, or to be subservient to them. Shinobi do not exist in a bubble. Rather, they are part of a larger community that both supports and relies on them. That larger community can be thought of as an intricate team, and in order for that team to be successful, each member must give a piece of themselves._

 _For teamwork isn't just a concept that applies to squads or even armies. It is one that extends to every facet of our lives. Teamwork involves cooperation, communication, and reciprocity. It can come from or create group cohesion and solidify the bonds between individuals._

 _In our personal lives, lives lived off the battlefield, we don't call this teamwork: we call it love; friendship; compassion; respect; support. On a mission, if a Shinobi is wounded, his teammates tend to his wounds and bring him back home safely. At home, if that same Shinobi finds himself suffering, his family, friends, and comrades will all be there to hold him up until he's able to see better days again. They don't leave him to drown in his agony any more than his teammates would willingly leave him to become a POW at the merciless hands of the enemy._

 _In short, a Shinobi cares for his comrades both on and off the battlefield—not because he has to, but because he shares a connection with each and every one of them. His life is guided by the passion he carries for his fellow man, and he recognizes his worth in their eyes. He may doubt, he may stumble, and he may fall; but he with the help of those who care for him, he will have the courage to get up again and move on."_

— _Anko Mitarashi_

X-X-X

Anko, Kurenai, Guy, and Asuma all sat at the dango shop, sharing their usual snack time together. Their collective mood was jovial and upbeat while they shared amusing stories from their week. Guy, of course, had multiple tales to tell about the goings-on of his students, who were apparently one of his greatest sources of pride. The four companions joked and laughed, enjoying the bright, beautiful day.

It was Asuma who caught sight of Kakashi first. The others, noticing that something had caught his attention, followed his gaze to find the Copy Ninja standing in front of the shop, looking at them as though he weren't sure whether he should—or could—approach them. Instead of an icy glare or cold indifference, Kakashi looked wary and uncertain.

Guy gave a wide grin, never one to be deterred. "Hey Kakashi! Come sit down, we've got plenty of dumplings!"

His shoulders were slumped, and there was something about what little they could see of his expression that made him seem vulnerable. He hesitated, but finally approached, pushing the banners out of the way and sitting down next to Guy.

Asuma and Kurenai shared a look of disbelief while Guy's grin only grew. Anko studied Kakashi, keeping her expression impassive for fear of scaring him away.

Guy slapped Kakashi on the back. "What do you know? After all this time, you finally decided to join us!"

"Yeah, I…guess so."

Kurenai gave a kind, welcoming smile. "It's good to see you."

"So, what brings you here?" asked Asuma curiously.

Kakashi's grey eye dropped to the wooden surface of the table while he collected his thoughts. He swallowed nervously. He wasn't that great with words, but he knew he had try.

"I owe you all an apology," he finally said. "I haven't been fair to you in so long, it's really inexcusable. I suppose I've always thought I had to do things on my own, and even after Obito's death, I never allowed anyone to help me. I used to think I didn't need it, but eventually I got to the point where I believed I…didn't deserve it. Even now, realizing how poorly I've treated those who call themselves my friends, I still don't feel like I deserve much of anything…"

"That's crazy talk," said Guy.

"No," he countered. "I've been a terrible friend, which makes me realize that I didn't actually learn anything from Obito. He'd be disappointed in me all over again if he could see me now…"

"On the contrary, I think he'd be quite proud," said Kurenai. "You've come a long way since then, Kakashi."

"She's right," agreed Asuma. "You've learned quite a bit from him, and you're still learning. Hell, we all are."

"Speaking of…" Kakashi pulled the journal from his hip pouch and laid it down gently on the table. "I read every word of it…and I wanted to thank you. All of you. I can't express my gratitude. You must've gone through a lot of trouble to complete it…for me."

"Don't look at us," said Kurenai. "It was all Anko's doing."

Anko's face flushed as his grey eye settled on her. "D-don't be dumb," she protested, suddenly uncomfortable with being put on the spot. "We all pitched in!"

"But it was your brilliant idea, and it worked!" exclaimed Guy, tearing up. "I…I'm so happy to have my friend and rival back again!"

That tender emotion returned to flutter in Kakashi's chest. Once again, it frightened him, but less so this time around. He nodded to Anko.

"Thank you," he said.

She shrugged, secretly overjoyed at his acknowledgement. "It's no problem, really."

"The truth is," Kakashi continued. "I know I'm still not where I need to be mentally."

"Maybe not, but we're your friends, Kakashi," said Kurenai. "And no matter how long it takes, we'll be here for you."

"That's right," said Asuma. "We've got all the time in the world."

For the first time since his father's suicide, Kakashi was beginning to feel like everything would be ok. Maybe not now; maybe not soon; but eventually. The four Jonin surrounding him were people he knew he could count on. He just had to be willing to allow himself to lean on them.

Unable to contain himself, Guy shouted "More dumplings!" through his joyful tears before he threw his arms around his friend and made a scene that drove them all to embarrassment.

Anko saw Kurenai shed a few tears, and noted that Asuma appeared relieved. A weight had been lifted, it seemed. Anko recalled the few times before that she'd caught a glimpse of Kakashi's more vulnerable side. In many ways, he was still like a frightened child, but now he was finally learning to trust.

 **A/N:** I was dreading doing this, and I thought I wasn't going to. Actually, my original idea was to have only Anko fill the journal with her thoughts on how a Shinobi should live, but then I thought it would be more powerful and have a much greater impact on Kakashi if it contained several different perspectives. I tried to make each quote or entry be true to the characters, not just within the context of this story, but outside of it as well. For instance, Asuma is the son of the Third Hokage, so obviously he'd have a lot to live up to, which would generate a certain pattern of growth and a particular perspective. I think I recall that during the Ninetails attack, Kurenai's father reminded her that she was a woman, not just a Shinobi, and she had other roles she needed to remember. Thus, she may have struggled with figuring out how to fulfill each of the roles she played in her life instead of just her role as a Shinobi. And Guy, well his perspective goes without saying. I watched his backstory over the weekend, and it made me cry. But anyway, things like that were neat to explore.


	15. Chapter 15: Into the Sun

_Chapter Fifteen: Into the Sun_

One afternoon, Kakashi walked through the village, lost in his own head again. He had been sincerely touched by the journal his friends had given him, and all the effort they'd put into it. It must have taken them weeks to track down everyone who'd written in it. That was another thing: to think that so many people would take the time to write something within those pages! He couldn't quite comprehend how much his comrades actually cared for and appreciated him.

He had made it a point to thank each of them for their contribution to the book. Some of those conversations had been more awkward than others, but they all remained patient with him, understanding that Kakashi was still in a process of change.

He briefly recalled his conversation with Tenzo, who was perhaps the most understanding.

" _I'm sorry, Tenzo. You were my closest friend in the ANBU, and I ended up pushing you away, too."_

 _Tenzo shook his head with a smile. "Don't worry about it, Kakashi. You've struggled a lot over the years, and eventually I came to understand at least part of the reason why."_

" _You've had your own struggles, but you've never acted the way I did…"_

" _Hey, it's ok. I forgive you for being an aloof butthead," he joked._

" _Huh…thanks. I appreciate it."_

 _Tenzo rubbed the back of his neck. "I have to admit, when Anko came to me and asked if I would write something in that journal, I didn't know what I could possibly contribute. I mean, it's been almost ten years since I left the Foundation, and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere…"_

" _What do you mean? You fit in fine."_

" _I guess it must look that way, but that's not how it feels. Then I got to thinking that maybe you felt that way, too."_

" _Well you're not wrong… I don't know where or what I'm supposed to be."_

 _Tenzo laughed. "Welcome to the club, Captain!" he replied, clapping Kakashi on the shoulder. Despite himself, Kakashi smiled in return._

All this time, Kakashi had been sure that his life was full only of tragedy. Yet, looking through clearer eyes, he was beginning to see the world in a more positive light.

In that case, what did it all mean in terms of his assignment to become a Jonin leader? He'd racked his brain for years, attempting to uphold the lesson he'd learned from Obito, and yet all his efforts to live by that lesson hadn't been as successful as he'd thought.

He paused to look up at the monument of the Hokages, his attention drawn to the last one in particular.

"Minato-Sensei…is my way of doing things wrong?"

Drawing his attention back to the path in front of him when he heard rapid footfalls, he was surprised to see the first team he'd failed and a myriad of other Academy students running toward him with gleeful expressions.

"Kakashi-Sensei!"

They all stopped before him, and Kakashi was frozen in place, not sure how to react.

"Uh…yes?"

"Good morning!" they all said, bowing their heads respectfully. He drew back, looking at each of them in confusion.

The blonde boy stood straight again. "Kakashi-Sensei. We wanted to let you know that we're in charge of discipline at the Academy now. We know that everything starts with a proper greeting."

"And I'd say that greeting was spot on, wouldn't you guys?"

"Excellent job, all of you. Keep it up!" said the black-haired boy.

The younger ones shouted gleefully.

"Now please excuse us!"

"Yes!" said the younger ones. "Please excuse us! Have a good day!"

Without giving him a chance to respond, they were off again in a hurry.

"Those guys…" he said, still taken aback. When he'd met them, they'd been too impatient and dismissive to bother with any formalities. They were in a hurry to get the test over with, but all they ended up doing quickly was failing. Kakashi hadn't been able to comprehend their behavior, but he'd known it was far from acceptable. Now, however? It seemed that their attitudes had changed greatly. Was that…partly Kakashi's doing?

"Huh." Maybe he'd done the right thing by sending them back to the Academy after all.

"Hey, it's Kakashi-Sensei!"

"Wha—huh?" He turned to his left to find none other than the second team that he'd failed approaching him. "You three…"

For a moment, they looked nervous, but then they all bowed their heads in respect, as the others had. "Thank you very much!"

He blinked down at them in confusion. "Uh…what?"

"We just wanted to say…thank you for failing us, back during that training session."

"Because of that, we learned a lot," said the one in blue.

"Huh?"

"Before that day, we always depended on our big brother too much, and never learned to stand up for ourselves."

"In fact, back during that training, we really wanted to share both our lunches with him."

"Afterward, we all realized something: we should have spoken up right then and said what we were feeling. Right?"

"Yeah!"

"I thought that I was helping them out, but actually, what I was really doing was holding them back. I learned a lesson that day, too."

"So anyway, we're really grateful, Kakashi-Sensei!"

Kakashi's face flushed, partly flattered, and partly embarrassed as they ran off.

"Grateful?" he asked aloud. "To me?"

He stood there, trying to puzzle out what had just happened. He'd never imagined that anyone he'd failed would be grateful to him for holding them back. Perhaps he'd underestimated those kids. Not even Kakashi had anticipated how far they would come.

"I think Lord Fourth would agree with your judgement."

Kakashi turned his head to see Anko smiling slyly at him.

"How long—"

"The whole time. Looks like you're getting sloppy with your observation skills," she teased.

"Uh…sorry. I was just…"

"Caught up in your own thoughts. I get it," she said, closing the distance between them.

"Don't tell me. You were behind this, too, weren't you?"

"Nah, I can't take the credit. They came to you on their own. They're a good group of kids, and I think you played a big part in teaching them some valuable lessons."

"Yeah, I guess they are…but I didn't do anything."

"You made them reevaluate themselves and their motives. They'll make great Genin now."

"You might be right."

"Duh. I'm always right! Now if only you had the same confidence in yourself that I do!"

"Let's not get carried away."

"Hey," she said, toning it down a little and placing a hand on his arm. "You have good instincts. It's time to trust them." She gave a nudging wink. "I do." Anko waved to him as she carried on with her day, leaving Kakashi to his. "See you around, Hatake."

As she rounded a corner, an easy and familiar voice caught her attention.

"Hey Anko."

She stopped to look up and find Tenzo crouching above her on a tree branch with a rather cheerful expression.

"Tenzo," she greeted. "What's up?"

"Actually…would you mind if I asked you a question?"

She shrugged. "Ah, why not? Shoot."

He appeared to mull over his words for a moment. "Forgive me for asking, but…I guess I was wondering if…Well, if you might…I don't know…have a…a crush…on Kakashi?"

She lifted her eyebrows. "…Excuse me?"

"Uh, sorry, it's just that I…I've noticed that you appear to treat him…differently…than others."

She leapt up to crouch beside him, pulling out a kunai and holding it beneath his chin.

"Have you been spying on me? Because I swear, if you have, I just might rip your throat out!"

He leaned away, frightened by her reaction. "N-no! I mean, I don't mean to spy! I-I just find people fascinating sometimes—"

"You ever try reading a book, genius?"

"I have, but…I don't really learn as much from them as I do from watching real people…you know?"

For a moment, she simply stared at him, looking no less agitated. "You're weird," she finally said, though the bite had left her tone. He was a friendly guy, and she understood that he didn't mean to be creepy. There was something strangely endearing about him, despite his tragic upbringing in Danzo's Foundation.

He backed away and got to his feet, leaning against the trunk of the tree as he regained his composure. "I apologize. I swear, I never set out to spy on anyone. But I'd be lying if I pretended I hadn't made various observations about certain people. You just happen to be one of them."

Slowly, she stood, replacing her kunai knife. "And…you've come to the conclusion that I have a…thing…for Kakashi," she stated off-handedly.

"Don't you? What about the journal?"

"That wasn't just me. Everyone contributed, even you."

"But it was your idea. And it was a good one. He's changing, and it's because of you."

"Ugh, knock it off. It has nothing to do with me," she said, looking down at the street below. "He just needed a push in the right direction, and we all helped to give him that push."

Tenzo studied her silently with his arms crossed, his smile still in place. Finally, he said, "Whatever you feel about him, I think it's…nice. Inspiring, really."

She could feel her face heating, but if she retreated, she'd only be admitting that he was right. She didn't want to admit anything. The only person who truly knew and understood her affection for Kakashi was Kurenai, but even Kurenai's knowledge was limited. Besides, she wished she only cared for Kakashi as a friend. Loving him was painful.

"If it makes you feel any better," he said, moving away from the trunk and reaching for her shoulder. "I'm rooting for you."

Before he could touch her, she grabbed his arm, turned, and threw him down to the ground where he landed on his back with a thud.

"Huh, at least you weren't lying when you said you weren't spying on me. If you were, you'd know I don't let anyone in my personal space."

He sat up, grinning with a teasing expression. "Except Kakashi, right? Ow!" he yelped when an acorn hit him in the head.

X-X-X

More and more she saw Kakashi in passing. When he noticed any of them, he would at least nod in acknowledgement even if he didn't feel like stopping to chat. When they invited him to join them for a bite to eat, he occasionally gave in, and when he didn't, he politely declined. Though he hadn't become as social as they had hoped for yet, Anko couldn't help but smile at his genuine effort to change.

It was as though the clock had reversed, and he had become the boy she'd met all those years ago again. He was quiet and reserved, cautiously distant, and yet not entirely afraid to engage with the living. When Anko looked into those eyes, she was again reminded of the peace and safety she'd felt the first time she'd really seen them; when he'd opened her mind with a gentleness she hadn't known could be so comforting. Further, if she looked at the right moment, she would sometimes see a timid innocence that she'd thought had been lost long ago.

She found that he was more apt to accept challenges from Guy, much to Guy's immense joy. Though his challenges were usually quite ridiculous, it was good to see Kakashi having a little fun when not that long ago, he hadn't seemed to know the meaning of the word.

"Would you look at that," mused Asuma one day as Kakashi and Guy took off in a spontaneous foot race.

"I'm looking, and I still can't believe it," said a grinning Kurenai.

"Me either," said Genma. "Who'd have thought all it would take was a book."

"I don't know," said Raido. "I think it was more than the book…"

"He just needed to be reminded how much he means to this village; to all of us," said Asuma. "I think he's going to be fine."

A few days later, Anko had decided to spar with Kurenai at the tenth training ground. Genjutsu was tough for someone like Anko to overcome through brute strength, and so she had been adamant that she needed more practice in learning how to properly combat it. In the end, she found a way to utilize her snakes by freeing them from her command so that they would be able to aid her in escaping by attacking the jutsu caster, thus breaking the jutsu altogether.

This forced Kurenai to have to figure out a plan for taking out Anko's snakes. In the meantime, the two women resorted to Taijutsu and weapons combat. While Anko was superior in strength, her target was not easy to hit, Kurenai being a master of illusion and evasion.

From the shadows, two mismatched eyes observed the battle. At first, he was curious when he stumbled upon it, then captivated as he watched it unfold.

Who was Anko Mitarashi anyway? She'd been a mystery he hadn't cared to fathom from day one, and yet she'd managed to capture his attention anyway.

He didn't have to ask why. He already knew. Watching her exemplified the reason. That woman, she was and had always been full of passion, whether he'd wanted to see it or not. No matter what she did or what she set out to do, she never did anything half-heartedly. She jumped in head-first—or perhaps heart-first—and she refused to back down no matter the odds that were against her.

Anko struck out at Kurenai, who vanished via a Genjutsu. His Sharingan whirred, slowing the motion so that his brain could process each and every detail. The pink petals surrounded her, the breeze that scattered them catching her short, violet locks, and the movement of her attack sending her trench coat fluttering behind her. There was a perfect focus in her caramel-colored irises and a calculating expression on her lips. He could see the toned muscles of her abdomen and her legs, and he was entranced in the lithe grace she carried herself with as she spun and leapt into the air and the dancing petals to avoid a strike from her sparring partner.

Kakashi recalled fighting her not too long after they'd first met. He hadn't cared to revisit that memory since it was usually tied to guilt and anger at himself. However, he couldn't help but note that though she'd been good at the time, she'd greatly improved since then. She also retained that same passion she'd had back then, and had increased it ten-fold.

' _Is it any wonder she never gave up on me?'_ he thought, realizing how grateful he was that she hadn't. No one could accuse her of being a quitter, that was for sure.

' _What about me? Would I have quit? Would I have given up if…?'_ He sighed. _'Who am I kidding? I already had.'_

He remembered, back then, how she'd looked at him as though he was as beautiful and as untouchable as the moon. He'd hated it, that wonder in her eyes. She hadn't known—hadn't seen—the ugly shadow of tragedy that seemed to follow him.

He had never been deserving of her admiration. Watching her then and reflecting on his memories of her, he knew he still wasn't; not when he found that she was far more admirable than he had ever been, or would probably ever be.

She landed, ducking to her left to get behind Kurenai. They circled one another, dodging blows. Anko threw another, but Kurenai blocked it, grabbing her wrist. Using the momentum she'd already built up, Anko immediately threw her arm to the side, dragging Kurenai with her before lifting her leg to land a sideways kick to her ribcage.

Kurenai sprawled on the ground several feet from where Kakashi hid, but quickly rolled to her side, throwing out her arm to snare Anko in a vine jutsu. Seeing the trap, Anko brought her arms in close to her body so that she was able to drawn shurriken to cut her snares. As Anko made to counterattack, Kurenai called to pause the battle.

"Hold on!"

Anko stopped in her tracks, her brows furrowed in confusion. " _Hold on_? Since when are there time-outs in a sparring match?"

Kurenai chuckled as she got to her feet, and Anko eyed her suspiciously.

"Since we evidently have an audience," she replied airily.

"What?"

"I would have thought you'd know better than to try to hide from a sensory-type," she continued, addressing someone else as she turned to glance behind her.

Anko followed her gaze, confused. If it was some pervert, she swore she'd—

"Alright, you got me," he said, stepping out into the open where they could see him, his hand raised in a lazy wave.

Her heart leapt into her throat and the butterflies grew restless in her belly. She felt the heat rise in her cheeks and was grateful that she was already flushed from her match. What was he doing there?

"I never knew Kakashi Hatake to be such a voyeur," Kurenai joked.

Now it was his turn to flush. "W-wait, t-that's not—"

"Oh, right. Two pretty ladies showing off what they can do; you just couldn't help yourself, could you?"

"Well I-I—I swear I wasn't—I was just—"

Kurenai laughed and nudged him. "Relax, I'm just teasing you."

His visible ear was red (he'd pulled his headband back down before revealing himself), and he looked off to the side nervously. Anko couldn't stop the corners of her lips from turning upward in amusement, her arms folded.

Kakashi's grey eye met Anko's, and he wanted to shrink away from the confidence he saw there.

"What _are_ you doing here, Hatake?" Anko asked with a challenging tone.

Regaining his composure, he cleared his throat and shrugged, placing his hands in his pockets. "I was out for a stroll and happened upon your match. Nothing more. Though I must say, you both seem formidable."

"Do my ears deceive me?" said Kurenai. "Kakashi's giving compliments?"

Kakashi glanced upward in exasperation. "Ha, ha…"

The two women laughed.

"Now, if you'll excuse me… I'll leave you two at it."

They watched him leave without another word, Anko wishing that he would have stayed, but simultaneously glad that he hadn't. Once he was gone, Kurenai's smile only widened conspiratorially as she turned to the other woman.

Anko looked back at her skeptically. "…What?"

She chuckled. "I can guarantee you he didn't stick around to watch _me_."

Anko blinked. "You think he was watching _me_?" She frowned. "Are you crazy?"

"Crazy? No, not at all. Just a hopeless romantic."

"This from the woman who's warned me about Kakashi from day one."

"I warned you, yes, but…that doesn't mean I hadn't hoped you'd prove me wrong."

Had she, though? Proven Kurenai wrong? Anko was more than delighted that Kakashi had appeared to turn over a new leaf, but she still refused to take all the credit. She _couldn't_ no matter how much she wanted to. Pushing it aside for now, Anko rolled her eyes. "Are we going to finish our match or what?"

X-X-X

The silence of the night was typically an oppressive sound, whispering echoes of the past into his ears and setting his thoughts racing, running in circles and draining him of mental energy. Tonight, it was no less oppressive, but it didn't pain him nearly as much as it usually did.

Behind his eyelids, he saw her, a perfect picture captured by his Sharingan. A vision of admirable strength and grace, surrounded by those pink petals, her flushed face and focused eyes radiant in the sunlight.

He opened his eyes to stare at the dark ceiling, but there was nothing there to take his mind off of her. Against his will, his mind imposed that memory on the blank canvas above him until he forgot that his room was shrouded in the shadows of the night.

The image moved, and suddenly he was looking into her eyes. They challenged him—dared him not to run. They were both hard and soft, and eventually, they were all he could see.

He closed his eyes again, and he could feel her lips against the fabric of his mask, just like before…

He lifted his hand to touch her, but there was nothing there.

His eyes flew open again and he was met with only darkness. Something in him twisted, and he didn't like it.

There she was again.

He shook his head to erase the image of her. What was wrong with him? Had she really gotten under his skin?

' _Don't be a fool. She's been there for so long…'_

He sighed and turned to face the wall, his eyelids drooping. He was so tired, he needed to sleep. As they fell closed again, that image returned.

Why fight it, he reasoned? What did it matter, as long as it brought him a temporary peace?

X-X-X

Anko walked happily down the cobblestone path, fiddling with an empty dango stick as she contemplated what she wanted to do that day. She was in a good mood, having already gotten on Genma's nerves that morning (he was so easy to pester), but her other friends were otherwise occupied. She supposed that was fine, she didn't mind time to herself. The only question was, what was she going to get into?

Her eyes landed on the silver-haired Jonin as he sat on the familiar bench, his arms on his thighs and appearing lost in thought. She grinned as she approached, helping herself to the seat next to him, much to his surprise.

"Sup?" she greeted cheerfully.

He blinked back at her momentarily before regaining his composure and looking forward again.

"Oh, not much really…"

"Well why not?"

His shoulders slumped. "It's funny…I used to think I knew my purpose. I realize now that I never really knew who or what I am…"

"So? You let that book dictate your life for so long. Now that it's behind you, you can decide who you want to be."

"If only it was that simple…"

"Of course it's that simple!"

He looked back at her, confused, but she only continued to lean back against the bench, one leg crossed over the other.

"Look, life's fully of choices. You can either keep wallowing in the 'what-if's, or you stop being such a chicken and be bold!"

"…Bold."

"Yeah. Bold."

"…Right…Sure."

Who did he want to be? He wanted to be selfless like his father; strong-willed like Obito; kind like Rin; wise like Lord Third; optimistic and understanding like Minato-Sensei…

But Kakashi was none of those. He'd sworn he'd give his life for the village, but if he was honest, that wasn't selflessness. He'd only been wishing selfishly for his own death and salvation from him mistakes. There was nothing strong-willed about him, not from his perspective anyway. Looking at those around him, Kakashi felt weak in heart and mind. He hadn't been very kind to those who'd shown him the most charity, and he certainly wasn't wise. The thought of Kakashi Hatake being wise was almost laughable. As for understanding and optimistic? He'd never tried all that hard to understand another person, and there was far too much in his life to be pessimistic about.

Anko watched him for a long time, noting the tense silence as he mentally left their conversation altogether. Though she couldn't see his face, sitting on his left as she was, she could practically hear the self-defeating and self-deprecating thoughts that had apparently resurfaced in his consciousness.

"Hey, isn't this your reading bench?" she said suddenly in an attempt to change the subject.

"It was," he conceded.

"So, why aren't you reading?"

He had made it a point to reread passages from the journal she'd given him every night before bed, but he feared losing it, so he kept it stowed safely away at home.

"I don't have anything to read, and the book you gave me is too valuable to drag around all the time."

"So go to the bookstore and get some new reading material," she said nonchalantly.

"I don't even know what I would read…"

"Something! Anything! Horror, mystery, drama, who cares? Just go pick one."

Kakashi looked at her skeptically. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

He continued to stare at her, and she stared back, waiting on him to elaborate.

"Never mind," he said finally.

"Ok then," she said with a shrug.

Kakashi got to his feet, and she watched him.

"Where are you going?"

"To the bookstore I guess," he said before wandering off. Anko watched him as he walked away, hands in his pockets.

X-X-X

Horror? His mind was already scarred enough. Tragedy was a definite 'no'. Mystery? His brain felt far too muddled as of late. Drama? Did he really need any more of _that_ in his life?

Self-help books?

That had helped him _so much_ already…

Nothing seemed sufficiently interesting, yet mind-numbing enough to satisfy him. He didn't want a book that he could potentially identify with. He just wanted…a hobby. Something to occupy his mind and his time. Something to give him a break from the thoughts that never seemed to want to leave him be. Whatever he chose to read, he didn't want to invite more of the negative.

He scoured nearly the entire bookshop, and he was growing tired of the farce, quickly losing hope that he'd find anything worthwhile.

His eyes landed on the display of romance novels, and he cringed. What would he ever want with those?

He remembered that Master Jiraiya had recently written one, and he briefly scanned the display out of curiosity. He found it, a little orange book with a not-so-inconspicuous title.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. _'_ Make-Out Paradise _? Really?'_

He picked it up, disinterested, and read the description on the back. It sounded corny and comedic, and he thought that at least it wasn't meant to be a downer. As he kept reading, noting the obligatory romantic story arc, that same image of Anko popped into his awareness once more. His face flushed, and he nearly dropped the book, catching himself just in time to avoid looking like an idiot.

' _I'm going to look like an idiot if I buy this thing.'_

He glanced back down at the orange book, and the cover changed so that he was staring at a laughing Anko.

He shoved the book back on the shelf, feigning disinterest, and turned away casually as two of the store patrons walked by. He glanced around the store, trying to remember if there was anything else that he might be willing to give a shot. In the end, his attention wandered back to the little orange book, and when he took it up to the cashier, he told himself that he was only buying it because it was sure to be worth a few lame laughs.

While walking rather aimlessly through the village, Kakashi had flipped open the book and begun to read. Was it as corny as he had thought it would be? Well yes…yes it was. From the very first sentence, it was clear that it wasn't supposed to be taken that seriously. Yet, for some reason, he found himself quickly growing engrossed in the story of a wayward and hopeless young man as he searched for love in all the wrong places, landing himself in many unpleasant situations that were actually amusing to the reader.

Anko spotted him, seemingly not paying any attention to where he was going, yet somehow avoiding a collision as he appeared to be reading a new book. She grinned and bounded toward him, glad he'd taken her advice, and curious to know what he'd picked out.

"Hey! You went to the bookstore after all!"

He stopped and looked up from the pages of his book as she neared him.

"That I did."

"So…what'd you get? Let me see!" she said, picking it right out of his hand and eagerly flipping it closed to read the cover. Her face fell and she looked at it with a mild grimace. "Uh…that's…not really what I had in mind, but hey, whatever floats your boat I guess," she said, tossing it back to him and trying not to react any more than that. She felt distinctly uncomfortable.

"So far, it's not as bad as you'd think. It's about—"

"I don't even want to know," she said, putting up a hand. "As long as you enjoy it, that's all that matters. Glad you found something to occupy yourself." She grinned again. "Anyway, I'll see you around. You know, places to go, people to bother. Later, Hatake!"

He watched her go before resuming his trek, reopening the novel to continue reading.

X-X-X

"I'm quite proud of you, Anko," said Hiruzen as the pair sat in a quiet room of the Hokage's residence, enjoying afternoon tea and rice cakes.

She looked back at him, not having expected the sentiment at the end of a conversation about rather mundane, every day things.

"Pardon?"

"I said, I'm proud of you."

"For…what exactly?"

He smiled at her the way a loving grandfather would smile at his granddaughter. At times, she thought that if she had his approval, nothing else would ever matter.

"Despite all the nay-sayers—and you're aware that there were quite a few—you've proven them all wrong and done extremely well for yourself."

"I didn't do anything spectacular."

"Ah, but you did. I've seen those tragic stories unfold, ones where the individual is unable to reconcile their past with the present, and falls into ruin—a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. Your return to the village eleven years ago was not an easy one, and yet you did not let those hardships take the wind from your promising sails. Though he tried to make you think otherwise, without Orochimaru, you've thrived."

Over the years, she'd grown into a strong and capable woman that she herself was proud of, but sitting before the Hokage, she was transformed again into a child, her spirits lifted by his sincerity. "Thank you, Lord Third. Coming from you, that means a lot."

He gave a slight chuckle. "I can see I'm embarrassing you. I suppose I should stop before you go getting a big head."

"Me? A big head? Please! You know me better than that!"

"I do know you rather well, which is why I _know_ I shouldn't feed your ego too much," he said, the both of them laughing.

Ok, so maybe he was right and she was prone to being full of herself at times. Yet, somehow praise from the Third Hokage only humbled her. While they didn't get to spend much time together like this, she still looked up to him, a rock that was immovable no matter how strong the storm.

He lifted his cup to his lips to sip at his tea, and there was a momentary pause in the conversation. Anko helped herself to another rice cake.

"So, how is our boy Kakashi?"

She could have read more into that question than was actually there, but she chose not to. Kakashi had been in ANBU for years, under the direct command of Lord Third, and it was evident that aged Hokage continued to worry over the stability of his former right-hand.

"He could be worse," she said. "He's…getting there."

"Did it help?"

Knowing he was referring to the journal in which the Hokage himself had written a poignant passage, she nodded. "Yeah, believe it or not, it actually did. I think he's finally starting to snap out of it."

"I was aware that it would take time for him to heal, and no doubt that process is not yet complete. I admit, however, that I hadn't been prepared for the downward turn he would take once he was relieved from the ANBU. This news comforts me."

Anko could see his wheels turning as he stared down into his tea. He still felt guilty for keeping Kakashi under his employ for so long.

"You did what you thought was best."

"For me and the village, yes, but not for Kakashi. I'm ashamed to say that Minato would likely not have kept him as long as I had. He would have put Kakashi's wellbeing first."

Perhaps he was right, but the past was unable to be changed.

"Forgive me, Lord Third, but…Kakashi needs to move on from his mistakes…and so do you."

He lifted his eyes to her face, looking conflicted. "I know you are right, my dear. Even so, I can't help but wish I'd done right by him sooner."

"But you did do right by him, and trust me," she said with a smile. "He's going to be fine."

 **A/N:** I realized how much I love Tenzo after watching Yamato's dream sequence thing when they're all trapped in the Infinite Sukuyomi, and you figure out that his greatest fear is not belonging. And MAN is that sad. Like, I always thought Yamato was just ok, but that just goes to show how much more awesome it is when you can see what makes a character tick, and you can connect with them. I also bawled while watching Guy's backstory, and while I still find him annoying, he earned a lot of points for being so admirable. And then there's Kakashi as a kid, and you're just like…wtf is your problem? Luckily, he got past his arrogance, because he was quite unlikable as a child. OH, AND I like how you actually get to see Anko randomly in some of those flashbacks even though she never gets any more backstory development.

Just some thoughts. :)


	16. Chapter 16: Team 7

**!RATING CHANGE!** Hey guys, so I know I had an author's note early on that indicated that the rating for this story might change. Heads up, it has, or at least it officially will next chapter. So just be aware. The next chapter has mostly been written for a long time now. Interwoven with the mature content are pretty significant details, so **if anyone is opposed to reading the M-rated stuff, Inbox me and I can give you a summary to read instead.**

I had a harder time writing this one for some reason. I knew what I wanted to do with it, but getting the pacing right was a challenge. So I just decided to add Tenzo! There's a line in the anime where he asks Kakashi to stop calling him Tenzo…but I left it out because I'm not sure what he was being called between his time as Tenzo and when he started using the name Yamato. When he's first introduced to lead Team Kakashi, Jiraiya says "You'll know him when you see him. He'll be going by Yamato for this mission." So…yeah. I feel like he wouldn't have gone back to Kinoe, but who knows?

 _Chapter Sixteen: Team 7_

He'd been hoping he wouldn't be reassigned more Academy graduates. Unfortunately, Lord Third had had other plans. The day when met his next Genin team was less than a week away. Although Kakashi would be the one testing them, he couldn't erase the overwhelming feeling that it was he would be tested. What if he failed? Would he get another chance? Would he be reassigned? Would the Hokage realize that Kakashi wasn't cut out to be a Jonin leader after all?

Lord Third had put so much faith in him, and this new team had been hand-picked specifically for Kakashi. He couldn't let the Hokage down, but that also left Kakashi with quite a conundrum. What if they didn't meet his own criteria? What if they couldn't work as a team? Should he forfeit his own gut reactions and instead trust Lord Third's judgement? Should he give them more chances than he'd given the others should they fail to grasp the importance of teamwork? What if they still didn't get it? What if he had no choice but to send them back to the Academy?

He was both nervous and resentful, knowing that his fate now rested in the hands of those three kids: his Sensei's son, an Uchiha, and a young kunoichi from the Haruno Clan.

Anko's eyes followed him as he walked on by her without even noticing. He was distracted again, and she knew well why. She not only understood, but shared his nervousness. She knew that he could be a great Jonin leader, led by strong, unshakable principles. The problem remained that Kakashi had yet to find a way to fully believe in himself, and his failure to relieve at least some of his self-doubt had the potential to undermine his earnest efforts to live up to the Hokage's expectations of him.

"I hear those kids are pretty interesting to say the least," commented Asuma one afternoon at the dango shop. "It kind of concerns me."

"Don't say things like that," chastised Kurenai.

"I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just saying."

"If you want the truth, I'm worried, too," said Guy. "Maybe we shouldn't be, but…it's hard not to, you know what I mean?"

"I guess you're right," said Kurenai. "Kakashi's come so far in the last few months. I'd hate to see him have to fail another team."

"Lord Third has put a lot of thought into this assignment," said Anko. "It makes perfect sense that he'd give Kakashi that Uchiha kid and the son of the Fourth." She sighed. "But I'll admit, I was curious, and I went to investigate those two at the Academy. They don't seem to get along too well."

"Then again, they're both alone," commented Asuma.

"They just handle their loneliness in different ways," said Kurenai.

It was the same with Anko and Kakashi; orphans who were looked down upon because of their pasts. Yet while Anko had made an effort to be somebody, Kakashi had tried his hardest to stay in the shadows, hoping to disappear. He'd been reclusive, like that Uchiha, while Anko had been far more outgoing despite the fear and judgement of the other villagers.

Like the son of Lord Fourth.

She thought it funny how these things played out with little assistance.

"I don't know. I think we'll all be surprised," she finally said.

X-X-X

Kakashi stood at the Memorial Stone, knowing he had to get going soon, but still not excited about it. He was still tossing around those 'what-if's', but he was running out of time. He had to face his new assignment, whether he liked it or not.

He sensed someone behind him, but it wasn't Anko, he was sure. Still, the presence was familiar, and he listened for the slightest sound before he figured out who it was that was watching him.

"Are you waiting for me…Tenzo?" he said, glancing over his shoulder.

The masked ANBU revealed himself, stepping out from behind a tree and shaking his head before removing his mask.

"How did you know it was me, Captain?" he replied with a grin.

"I worked with you for quite a while," Kakashi pointed out. "I wish you'd drop the 'Captain' part," he added.

"Sorry, but you'll always be 'Captain' to me. That'll never change, even if you're no longer with the ANBU. Yugao shares my sentiments."

"So what did you want? I've heard rumors that it's been difficult trying to find my replacement. Or did you come all this way just to laugh at me; the Great Genin Babysitter?"

"Not at all. That was all such a long time ago. Besides, though we might have picked on you at first, I always knew your leaving the ANBU was for the best."

Had everyone felt that way? Kakashi briefly wondered why no one ever thought to say anything to him before, but then he realized that he probably wouldn't have listened to them.

"Listen," said Kakashi. "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy today. I can't just stand around and chat."

Tenzo laughed, and Kakashi stopped just behind him. "Yeah…though it's way past the time when you were supposed to go meet your Genin," he teased.

Kakashi actually gave a slight chuckle. It was unusual that he was late for anything. Kakashi was still a pretty by-the-books kind of guy. "Heh… Well…see ya," he said before continuing on, heading for the Academy.

Tenzo blinked in surprise before turning to watch Kakashi leave.

"See ya? Well, well…maybe he did change a little. He used to be so fixated on the past and present, and now he's saying, 'See ya'?"

He knew it wasn't his doing. Tenzo didn't see much of Kakashi since they no longer worked together. That could only mean that his other friends were actually getting through to him, though Tenzo suspected that the bulk of the credit no doubt went to Anko. He smiled as he replaced his mask.

X-X-X

Bored. She was bored. Ibiki was busy with work, and Asuma and Kurenai were meeting their new Genin teams. Guy was off on a mission with his, so that left Anko pretty much alone as she walked aimlessly through the village. Just as she'd crossed a foot bridge, she heart a slight rustle of leaves before a familiar masked face appeared on the ledge to her left.

Anko spun and backed away, reaching for a weapon, not having expected him to pop out of nowhere so suddenly.

"Tenzo! You don't have to be sneaky all the time!" she snapped. "One day you're going to do that, and I'm going to take your head off!"

He laughed and pulled away the mask. "No offense, but I'd like to see you try."

"No," she deadpanned. "You would not."

The good-natured guy that he was, he only laughed again.

"Why so jumpy, anyway?" he inquired curiously. "We're in the village."

When Anko had been betrayed by someone as close to her as her former Sensei, it was hard not to always be on guard. She chose not to answer his question.

"Are you seeking me out now, or what?" she asked as she continued walking. Tenzo hopped down from the ledge to walk beside her.

"Something like that."

"I'm not looking for a lost puppy, so you don't need to follow me around."

"Nah. I did just talk to Kakashi, though."

"Yeah? So what?"

"He said, 'See ya.'"

"…That's…quite the vocabulary," she replied, not sure what he was getting at.

"Hah, don't you get it? For a guy who's always stuck in the past, when has he ever said, 'See ya'?"

Anko shrugged as she thought about it. "I don't recall a time when he ever has."

"Exactly. I've got to hand it to you, Anko: you're something else."

"Ok, stop. I didn't do anything. I've hardly talked to him in weeks."

"Something tells me you don't have to say much to get his attention."

Anko came to a halt, and Tenzo followed suit. She looked up at him with a skeptical expression, but he changed the subject.

"You remember our sparring match a while back?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"I think enough time has passed to be able to demand a rematch. What do you say?"

X-X-X

He was late again. He knew he should be going, but he didn't want to. He kneeled before Rin's gravestone, finding it difficult to muster the motivation to move.

He'd met them yesterday, and what fragile optimism and hope he'd managed to gather had been fractured. There was no sign, no shred of teamwork between them. Worse, they didn't even appear to want to tolerate one another.

The fool. The girl. The arrogant loner.

Those memories had returned: Obito being crushed; Rin's body impaled on his arm. And that arrogance…it was so deeply familiar to Kakashi that he began to resent himself all over again.

His hand shook as he tried to dull the images and the pain that accompanied them. He wouldn't be able to pass them, he knew he wouldn't—but then, Lord Third was counting on him to look after those kids. Kakashi knew there was no one else who could guide Sauske and watch out for Naruto, but he wished desperately that there was—that it wouldn't have to be him. They hit far too close to home for Kakashi, and he was afraid to face the test he knew he had to give. He didn't want to fail, but he had a bad feeling that he would, no matter the outcome.

Anko stood several rows behind Kakashi, unsure of whether or not she should approach him. Yet again, her curiosity had led her to the training ground where Kakashi was supposed to meet up with his new Genin to proctor their graduation test. However, when he didn't show, she grew concerned and left to find him. She hadn't expected that he'd be at the cemetery.

She watched him for quite some time, and when he didn't move, she gathered her courage to approach him. Stopping just behind Kakashi, she hesitated.

"Shouldn't you be with your team?" she asked quietly.

"Team," he scoffed, not looking up from the headstone. "What team?"

She hadn't expected the bite in his tone, and for a moment, she didn't say anything. At last, she sighed and knelt down beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey…I know they're not perfect—"

"They're not Genin material."

"That's what you thought about the others…and at the time, you were right. But remember…you taught them something without even realizing it."

He had no rebuttal and stayed silent.

Anko remembered all the fights between Ibiki and Idate and recalled Ibiki's change of heart following his brother's disappearance. She thought again that his and Kakashi's situations were similar, but she hoped that Kakashi could learn a similar lesson before it was too late.

"Just think what you could teach them if you really put your mind to it," she said gently. "You have a lot to offer those Genin…if you give them a chance."

"And if I fail?"

Changing her demeanor to a more upbeat one, she replied, "Please! You were in the ANBU, and somehow _this_ is where you draw the line and say it's too hard?"

He sighed. "Anko, you don't understand—"

"No, Kakashi," she said more seriously. "I do understand. Hey, if they fail, they fail, that's on them. But you've learned from your mistakes, and you're a better person and a better Shinobi because of it. Don't you think they deserve the same opportunity? If at first they don't seem to get it, then teach them."

X-X-X

Taking a steadying breath, Kakashi stepped out into the open area of the training ground to meet his new team. Ready or not, he couldn't let them see his apprehension. Further, he knew that Anko had been right; they deserved this chance, and should they fail to grasp the importance of the test they were about to take, it was Kakashi's job to make sure they got the message in the end, whether they passed or got sent back to the Academy.

"Morning everyone. Ready for your first day?"

"Hey, you're late!" they shouted, obviously having been there on time at five that morning. It was now eight o'clock.

"Well a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way," he said, knowing it was a lame explanation, but unable to divulge the truth. Kakashi recalled Obito's frequent lame excuses for being late, but looking back, he wondered if Obito hadn't been making them up…

Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura all growled in agitation, clearly not buying his story.

Their agitation brought him back to the present, and Kakashi cleared his throat, deciding it was best to move on. "Well…let's get started."

Again, Anko watched from the shadows, crouched high in the boughs of a tree to observe the proceedings. She thought it was lucky she'd managed to find him, otherwise who knew when he'd finally manage to pick himself up to meet his Genin. He'd risen from Rin's grave, reluctantly admitting the truth of Anko's words. He'd come to the conclusion that it wasn't right to hold his students hostage, bound by his past to meet an expectation of failure. Kakashi had let her accompany him to the training ground, but they hadn't spoken the whole way over. Without a word, Anko had touched his arm in quiet reassurance before leaving him to regain his composure and to put on a good face for his team. Now Anko watched as he set out a timer and began to explain the rules of the test.

"Here we go. It's set for noon. Your assignment is very simple: you just have to take these bells from me," he said, taking said bells from a pocket to show them what they'd be vying for. "That's all there is to it. If you can't get them by noon, you go without lunch. You'll be tied to those posts, and you'll watch while I eat my lunch in front of you."

The kunoichi named Sakura pointed out that there were only three bells and asked about the fairness of the test.

Oddly, Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. "That way, at least one of you will end up tied to a post and ultimately disqualified for failing to complete the mission. That one goes back to the Academy. Then again…all three of you could flunk out, too. You can use any weapons, including shuriken. If you're not prepared to kill me, you won't be able to take the bells."

"Those weapons are too dangerous, Sensei," Sakura protested.

Naruto laughed. "Especially since you couldn't even dodge that eraser!"

Kakashi turned to Naruto, unimpressed and unamused. "Class clowns are usually the weakest links. You can safely ignore them. Lowest scores. Losers."

Naruto growled, not taking kindly to the dig. From her place in the trees, Anko quietly laughed to herself. That kid seemed easily riled, and she thought that perhaps he could be even more fun to mess with than Genma.

"When I say start, you can begin."

Without warning, and without waiting for the go-ahead, Naruto charged forward. Unsurprisingly, Kakashi was easily able to get behind him, trapping him with one hand on his head, the other holding a kunai at the back of his neck.

"Don't be in such a hurry," he chastised, admitting to himself that he was slightly amused by the display. "I didn't say start yet."

Kakashi let him go. "But, you came at me with the full intention of destroying me, so… How can I say this? I'm actually starting to like you guys."

The comment surprised even himself. Sakura, while ditzy and boy-crazy, was quite the analyst when she put her mind to it. Meanwhile, Naruto, while evidently far too prone to acting without thinking first, showed both guts and determination.

Looking at the three of them in turn, Kakashi began, "Get ready…and…start!"

In a flash, they were gone from his sight. Glancing around in an attempt to locate them, he stated, "Ninja must know how to conceal their movements and hide effectively."

' _Well they understand that much. They've hidden well,'_ he thought when he couldn't easily spot them. But then he glanced to his left to find Naruto standing boldly out in the open.

"You and me, right now, fair and square! Let's go!"

Kakashi made a face. "You know, compared to the others, you're a little bit…weird."

"Oh yeah? The only thing weird here is your haircut!"

Anko watched with a roll of her eyes as Naruto charged forward yet again, stopping to take an offensive stance when Kakashi reached into his pouch. She wondered what he would do, noting that his mannerisms were far different than they'd been with the last team he'd tested. Despite his earlier misgivings, he appeared to be enjoying himself. Anko wondered at the reason behind his change in demeanor.

"Shinobi battle techniques, part one: Taijutsu, the physical part."

Neither Naruto nor Anko expected Kakashi to pull out the little orange book. Anko had to stifle a groan. She'd seen him reading it more frequently than she'd anticipated, but much like Tenzo and his unintentional creepiness, she also understood that Kakashi wasn't trying to be a pervert. Still, she kept wondering why he'd chosen a smut novel of all things…

Of course Naruto paid no attention to the book itself, and Anko tried to remove it from her thoughts altogether.

"What the?!"

"What are you waiting for?" Kakashi asked absently. "Make your move."

"But…I mean…why are you reading that book?"

"Why? To find out what happens in the story of course. Don't let it bother you. With your weak attacks, it doesn't really matter if I'm reading, or…whatever."

Just as Anko had suspected, it was clearly way too easy to bug the hell out of that little spaz. A glutton for punishment, he ran at Kakashi again, fists blazing. "I'm going to crush you!"

Kakashi blocked his attack with ease, his eyes trained on his book. When Naruto attempted to throw his leg up to side-swipe Kakashi, the Copy Ninja ducked. As Naruto landed in a crouch, Kakashi moved swiftly behind him.

"Don't let your enemy get behind you all the time," said Kakashi, realizing that he'd relaxed enough to actually find this entertaining.

"Naruto, get out of there quick!" shouted Sakura. "He's going to destroy you!"

Anko and Kakashi both had the fleeting thought that she'd foolishly given away her position, but for now, Kakashi chose to ignore her in favor of making a point.

Anko blinked, eyes wide as she watched Kakashi's so-called "Secret Finger Jutsu", which launched a mortified Naruto into the river. Where the hell had he learned that? An ANBU hazing ritual? She shook her head to dispel the image.

"Ok, where was I?" said Kakashi, getting to his feet and flipping his book back open to continue reading.

For several long seconds, all was quiet. Kakashi, easily able to multitask, allowed his visible eye to fly across the page as he kept his ears pealed for any sound that might give them away. As reckless as Naruto was, he gave the boy credit for trying at least. That was more than the others had done thus far.

He heard the shuriken pop out of the water, and he lazily lifted his hand to catch them on his fingers. Not long after, Naruto came crawling up out of the river, sputtering.

"What are you doing now? You know you won't get lunch unless you take a bell by noon."

"I know, I know! You told us already."

"You look pretty wobbly for someone who's going to surpass the Hokage," he needled.

"You told us not to eat breakfast! How can I fight when I'm starving to death?!"

Kakashi turned and walked away, still reading and otherwise unimpressed by Naruto's excuses.

"So, you caught me off guard! That's all it was, believe it!"

Again, Kakashi ignored him. There was no sense in engaging with the thoughtless wonder. Besides that, Naruto seemed to hate it most when he was ignored, and that resentment spurred him to action.

True to Kakashi's assessment, Naruto loudly proclaimed, "I will become a ninja!" before a horde of shadow clones emerged from the river to rush Kakashi.

Despite Naruto's lackluster school performance, Kakashi had heard rumors that he was able to create multiple shadow clones.

"Great technique. But I don't think you can maintain it for very long. You talk like you're the best, Naruto, but you're still the worst student. You can't beat me with this Jutsu."

Anko watched, astounded when it appeared as though Naruto had managed to get the jump on Kakashi. _'There's no way,'_ she thought.

Sure enough, it was a replacement Jutsu that left Kakashi well out of Naruto's range. Anko grinned, admiring his smoothness. Unsurprisingly, Naruto fell for the old bell-on-the-ground trick, which landed him in a bear trap, dangling upside down from a tree.

It was then that Kakashi chose to reveal himself again, bending to pick up the bell with a sigh. "Think before you use a Jutsu, or else your opponent might use it against you. Oh, and also…if the bait is obvious, don't take it. A ninja must see through deception."

Anko smiled. He was doing much better, evidently taking her advice to heart. Where he hadn't taken the time with the last two teams to slow down and point out their mistakes, Kakashi was doing well turning the mistakes of this Genin into teachable moments.

When it looked as though Kakashi had been blasted by shuriken thrown by the Uchiha kid, Anko knew better and anticipated the Substitution Jutsu. Finally, there was action that didn't involve the little spaz. Then again, that one was stuck in a tree… It was further amusing to watch Kakashi trap that kunoichi in what must have been a Genjutsu, her scream of terror echoing across the training grounds.

"I think I overdid it a bit…But, she's gotta learn to see through these things," Kakashi mused, turning the page of his book. Sakura's scream had apparently drawn Sauske to Kakashi's location, leading to the Uchiha challenging the Copy Ninja. Sauske put up a good fight—much better than the Uzumaki kid—and to Kakashi's surprise, he almost succeeded in taking one of the bells. Where Naruto hadn't been much of a challenge, Kakashi had to concede that he wouldn't be able to read as long as he had to watch Sauske.

The Uchiha continued to surprise both Jonin by performing a fire release Jutsu, and while Kakashi was easily able to evade it, he mentally gave the kid props for his skill. Then again, he was Itachi's younger brother, so he supposed it shouldn't be that shocking.

Still, child prodigy or not, no kid was a match for Kakashi. It took no effort at all to trap Sauske with his Head Hunter Jutsu.

"Can't move, huh? That was Ninjutsu, the third battle skill. You have talent, and you're right. You are different from the others, but different isn't always better." He stood and pulled out his book again, having disposed of the more troublesome member of the team. "They say the nail that sticks up is the one that gets hammered down."

With a great deal of effort, Naruto managed to free himself from the bear trap. Thinking foolishly that he could pull one over on Kakashi by eating while he was distracted, he quickly found himself tied to a post as punishment for breaking the rules. Meanwhile, Kakashi had released Sakura from the Genjutsu, and when she found Sauske's head sticking up from the ground, instead of helping him, she fainted.

' _Sheesh, get it together, girl,'_ thought Anko. _'You're an embarrassment to women everywhere…'_

At noon, the timer went off, and Sakura and Sauske sat on either side of Naruto, who was still roped to a post.

"Uh oh. Stomachs growling, huh?" Kakashi taunted. "That's too bad… Oh, by the way. About this exercise? I've decided…I won't send any of you back to the Academy."

Sauske looked surprised while Naruto and Sakura were grinning from ear-to-ear.

"That means all three of us—!" exclaimed Naruto.

"Yes. All three of you…are being dropped from the program. Permanently."

Anko frowned from her vantage point in the trees. She'd been so engrossed in watching it all play out that she'd momentarily forgotten that he'd ultimately have to decide whether they would remain Genin or be held back. Still, dropping them from the program entirely seemed extreme. The first team he'd had had been far worse than this one, and he hadn't recommended that they be barred from ever becoming Shinobi.

"Drop us from the program? That means we can never become ninja!" Naruto protested. "You said if we couldn't take the bells, we'd be sent back to the Academy! You can't just change your mind and kick us out! Why would you do that?"

"Because you don't think like ninja. You think like little kids. Like brats."

Where being ignored and being called things like "loser" were the buttons one had to push to get under Naruto's skin, apparently being called a kid and a brat was what did it for Sauske. As though he had something to prove, he launched into another attempted attack on Kakashi, but the Copy Ninja deftly countered it, turning his own force against him and pinning him face down on the ground."

"You think it's all about you," Kakashi said, sounding disgusted.

"Let go of Sauske! You can't step on him like he's some bug!"

"You don't know what it means to be a ninja," he countered, having gone past amusement altogether. Kakashi had reached his limit on patience, especially since they were clearly not understanding even the basics. "You think it's a game, huh? Why do you think we put you on squads? Did you consider that question for one moment?"

"I don't know what you mean," said Sakura nervously.

"I mean…you never realized what this exercise is all about. Not even close."

"What it's about?" asked Naruto.

"Yes. That's what determines whether you pass or fail."

"But that's…I mean, I wanted to ask you about that from the beginning," said Sakura.

"Tch. Use your head. Three people on a squad. Why do you think we would do that?"

"Agh! How are we supposed to know why you picked three people? We didn't make the rules!" countered Naruto.

"It's so basic…" he said, having had enough of this farce. "Teamwork!"

Naruto and Sakura blinked back at him in recognition.

"Just working together, is that what you mean?" asked Sakura.

"That's what I mean. It's too late now, but if all three of you had come at me, you might have been able to take them. Well, anyway, it's over."

Once again, Sakura showed that she had great analytical skills as she fought to defend their actions. "You set it up with three people, but only two bells. If we worked together and got the bells, only two of us could keep them, and that would lead to group conflict, and the squad would break up."

"Exactly. I purposefully pitted you against each other. I wanted to see if you could overcome that and put the squad ahead of yourselves. A Genin should have a natural feel for teamwork, but you…it never even crossed your mind," he continued, unable to believe that for the third time in a row, none of his teams had been able to comprehend such a fundamental concept.

"Sakura! You obsessed about Sauske who was gone, while Naruto was right in front of you, but you wouldn't lift a finger to help him. Naruto! You do everything on your own! Everything!

"And you, Sauske," he said, pressing down on the boy's head with his foot. "Thought the others were so far beneath you they were worthless. Arrogance! Ninja missions are carried out in squads. Of course, you need individual skills, but teamwork is the most essential element. Every Shinobi understands this. When individuals put themselves above the squad, this can lead to failure, and death. For example…

"Sakura! Kill Naruto now or Sauske dies!" he demanded, putting a kunai knife at the Uchiha's throat.

Naruto and Sakura squawked in protest and horror, while Sauske looked visibly uncomfortable (or more so than he already was, pinned beneath Kakashi).

"That's what happens on a mission." He removed the kunai and twirled the end of it around his finger as he continued speaking." The enemy takes a hostage and you've got an impossible choice. And someone ends up dead." He stopped the motion of the kunai and got to his feet, freeing Sauske. "On every mission, your life is on the line."

Anko kept her eyes on Kakashi as he walked toward the Memorial Stone. She could practically feel his exasperation; his heartache; his disappointment; his guilt.

Kakashi's voice softened, and his shoulders fell. "Did you look at this stone? The names engraved on it? They are all ninja honored as heroes in our village."

Naruto eagerly proclaimed that he wanted to be a hero, but the others weren't impressed.

"They are a special kind of hero," Kakashi clarified.

"Huh? What kind of heroes are they? Come on, tell us!"

There was a long moment of silence in which Kakashi took several steadying breaths.

"Well? Well?" Naruto insisted.

"They're all…KIA." Sakura's and Sauske's faces fell.

"Ooo! That sounds real cool!" said a clueless Naruto.

"It means killed in action," Sakura clarified. "They all died."

Anko watched Naruto's face change instantly upon finally recognizing the significance of the stone.

"This is a Memorial Stone," Kakashi explained. "The names of my closest friends are engraved here."

There was another, even longer silence as Naruto, Sakura, and Sauske let the impact of Kakashi's words sink in. Kakashi used part of that silence to pay his respects to those fallen heroes. Then he turned his thoughts back to his team.

They were pitiful, really, but what was it that Anko had said?

" _You've learned from your mistakes, and you're a better person and a better Shinobi because of it. Don't you think they deserve the same opportunity?"_

Pitiful though they were, he supposed they weren't hopeless. The boy-crazed Sakura had the potential to be a brilliant analyst and strategist. Sauske's skill couldn't be ignored. And Naruto…yes, he was a fool, but his determination and perseverance were undeniable.

"Alright," he said turning back to them. "I'm going to give you one more chance. But I'm going to make it much harder on you. You'll have three hours to get a bell. Eat lunch now to build up strength, but Naruto doesn't get any."

"Huh?!"

"It's your punishment for breaking the rules and trying to eat by yourself. And if anyone tries to feed him, that person will immediately fail." A fierceness took over the visible portion of his face as took on a tone meant to intimidate. " _I_ make the rules, _you_ follow them. Got it?"

Anko kept her eyes on the three Genin as Kakashi disappeared, leaving them to puzzle out the riddle he wanted them to solve. For a few long moments, they were silent. Sauske and Sakura shared a brief glance at one another, but then quietly set themselves to eating their lunches while Naruto was left to watch with a growling stomach.

Kakashi concealed himself by hiding behind a tree where he could easily watch their interactions. He didn't want to have to fail them, especially considering that they did each have redeeming qualities. If only they could figure out how to combine them…

' _Minato-Sensei had faith in me. So, should I have faith in them, too? But what if I'm wrong to begin with?'_ he thought, looking up. He recalled a brief exchange he'd had with Obito before their mission had gone horribly wrong.

" _Don't you even have a shred of kindness in that heart of yours?"_ Obito had asked. _"All you ever talk about are rules and regulations."_

' _That's true,'_ he silently admitted. _'I'm still just trying to stick to my rules.'_

While Kakashi cycled through a myriad of thoughts for what must have been the thousandth time, he barely heard Naruto in the background.

"This is no big deal! I can go without eating for days—for weeks! Believe it! This is no big deal!" He ran out of steam as his stomach protested. "No problem…"

Kakashi also recalled the day when Obito had decided to forfeit his rivalry with Kakashi for the good of the team, and for the good of their mission. It was the first and only time he'd called Kakashi "Captain."

' _Obito. For the sake of the team, you stepped up and compromised that day. If only…I'd accepted the offer of friendship that you extended to me. If I'd embraced that little sign you gave me.'_

Sauske glanced at Naruto, and Anko could see his wheels turning. She didn't know where Kakashi was hiding, but she hoped he was paying close attention, especially when Sauske held his food out to Naruto.

"Here," he said, somewhat begrudgingly.

"Huh!?"

"What is—"

Kakashi peered around the trunk of the tree, astounded at what he was seeing.

"No, Sauske, you can't do that," Sakura warned, glancing around nervously. "You heard what the Sensei said."

"Kakashi's gone," Sauske rationalized. "We need to get those bells as a team. If Naruto's hungry, he'll be weak and ineffective. That hurts the team and jeopardizes the mission."

Naruto was speechless for once as he stared back at Sauske. Sakura looked uncertain and took a moment to mull over her teammate's words. In the end, she opted to follow Sauske's lead, and together they shared their lunches with Naruto.

' _Obito. Did you see that?'_ He was dumbfounded, having worried that they would never learn the lesson he'd tried so hard to teach them, and yet…there they were, finally beginning to think like a team.

From across the training ground, Anko smiled to herself. _'It's about time,'_ she thought, and she wished she was able to see Kakashi's reaction to their change in behavior, as well as their new thought process.

He hadn't missed it, and he swore he'd never forget that moment; the moment when that rag-tag team of misfits shattered all the expectations he'd had for them. For once, Kakashi was glad to be wrong.

For a moment, Kakashi was frozen in place, too stunned to move. But with one last thought of thanks to his former teammates, he swore he could feel them all with him, pushing him forward to take that first step into a brighter future with his new ones.

"You!"

Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura flew into a panic at his sudden and intense reappearance.

"You broke the rules! I hope you're ready for the punishment!" He said, glaring down at them as he performed hand signs as though he were about to unleash a storm of fury upon them. "Any last words?"

Clearly frightened, Naruto stammered, "B-b-but you s-s-said…"

"Yes?" he hedged.

"You said that there were three of us! That's what you said, and that's why…Sakura…and…"

"We're all on this squad, and we're all in it together!" said Sauske with conviction.

"Yeah, that's right!" agreed Sakura, obviously following Sauske's confident leadership. "We gave our lunch to him because the three of us are one!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Believe it, that's right!" said Naruto.

"The three of you are one? That's your excuse?" Kakashi boomed, as if it was the most pathetic excuse possible.

From the trees, Anko remained fixated on Kakashi in particular. She could see through his bluff, but she was taken aback both his ability to take on such an intimidating edge, and also by his apparent newfound pension for tormenting the little brats. She was impressed when all three Genin stood their ground despite how hard Kakashi was trying to scare the pants off of them to get them to waver in their resolve.

Suddenly, Kakashi smiled—a true one that could be understood even with the presence of his mask—and Anko's heart warmed.

"You pass."

"Huh?!"

"You. Pass."

"What do you mean? How'd we pass?" asked Sakura.

"You're the first squad that ever succeeded. The others did exactly as I said and fell into every trap. They couldn't think for themselves. A ninja must see through deception. In the ninja world, those who break the rules are scum, that's true. But, those who abandon their friends are worse than scum."

Naruto actually grew teary-eyed with joy. "He's uh…you know…he's kind of cool…" he admitted.

' _Obito,'_ Kakashi thought. _'I'll never, ever forget about you, or Rin. But I think that for now, I'm going to move forward with some new comrades. Naruto. Sauske. Sakura. I'm going to believe in you. And Obito, Rin; I'll make you both a promise. I'll believe in my comrades, and never let them die.'_

"The exercise is over. Everyone passes!" he said, giving them all a big thumbs-up. "Squad Seven starts its first mission tomorrow!"

Sauske actually grinned, and Sakura jumped up while she and Naruto hollered in excitement.

"I did it!" exclaimed Naruto. "I'm a ninja! Ninja! Ninja!"

It was odd, the feeling of belonging that he was already beginning to feel. For years, Kakashi had been wandering aimlessly through life, viewing himself as nothing more than a disposable asset to the village. He'd lost all sense of purpose when he'd been relieved of his ANBU duties, and he'd feared living a life of constant failure. But those kids…boy had they proven him wrong, and the fact that they had made him hopeful for the first time in a long time, and he couldn't wipe the smile from his face.

Yes, they were sure to cause him a lot of headaches, but he'd already grown fond of them over the past few hours, and he was quickly beginning to feel the stirrings of pride deep within his breast.

Anko slowly stood, her eyes locked on Kakashi as he led Sakura and Sauske away, leaving Naruto tied to the post as he loudly protested being left behind. After walking several paces, Kakashi stopped and gave a chuckle before asking Sakura to go and free him.

Like Kakashi, Anko couldn't stop her heartfelt smile, nor the tears that stung behind her eyes. She'd never seen him happy. She'd never seen him content even. He was always restless, always anxious, always uncomfortable, always plagued with guilt and shame and doubt. His proclamation that they'd passed his test was void of all of those things, and it was clear to Anko that those three Genin had restored a measure of self-worth within him. To see him smile for the first time, and for that smile to touch his eyes—her heart ached at witnessing such a beautiful miracle.

Glancing up through the canopy to the blue sky overhead, she silently thanked higher powers for granting him this opportunity for a fresh start.

X-X-X

It was growing late into the afternoon when Kakashi returned to that training ground to revisit the Memorial Stone. That day, he'd taken an important step forward, vowing to put all of his effort into those kids. He wouldn't go easy on them by any means, but he would work every day to impress valuable lessons on them. They needed guidance, and Anko had reminded him that the true nature of a Jonin leader was that of a teacher. He couldn't expect them to learn and grow without a little help. What was more, they'd picked up on the importance of teamwork far quicker than Kakashi had. How could he not respect and appreciate that?

He'd known she'd been watching. She was always watching him, rooting for him, though he had never settled on an answer as to why. He sensed her approach and hesitate at the tree line, much like Tenzo had done.

"I know you're behind me. What is it?"

She knew she was unable to hide from him, which was why she hadn't bothered to try. Having been given permission to approach him in not so many words, she stepped forward until she reached his side.

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Of course you did," he countered matter-of-factly. Then he added, "I'm glad you're here."

Anko swung her head around to look at him, noting that he was glancing at her from the corner of his eye.

"Excuse me?"

He gave another light-hearted chuckle. "I know, I'm full of surprises today…"

"You don't say."

"But the truth is, I might not have been if not for you."

She averted her eyes, looking down at the stone. "I didn't do much."

"You did. You _all_ did. But you stood out the most. You _tried_ the most. No matter how hard I tried—unfairly—I could never scare you away. You kept coming back, kept reminding me not to give up on myself or on others."

"Is that your way of saying I wouldn't stop annoying the hell out of you?"

"It was what I needed. For the longest time, I just didn't know it." He turned more fully to face her, drawing her attention back to his face. "Thank you, Anko," he said with the utmost sincerity in his voice and in that one visible eye.

She gave a small smile. "You're welcome. Though you had it in you the entire time. I'm proud of you, Kakashi. You're going to make a great Jonin leader." She laughed. "And it looks like it's going to take all of that greatness to keep those maggots in line!"

"You're probably right," he agreed with a smile.


	17. Chapter 17: To Feel

**!RATING CHANGE REMINDER!:** Just in case y'all missed it or forgot, this is the chapter where the M rating comes in. **If anyone is uncomfortable with adult content, inbox me, and I'll give you a summary to read instead since there are important details woven in here.** The beginning and end of the chapter are void of such content. You've been warned. For those of you who don't mind, enjoy this lengthy update. :)

 _Chapter Seventeen: To Feel_

Days turned into weeks as Team 7 tackled their first D-rank missions while Kakashi supervised their progress. They made many mistakes, they were still a little reckless, they still had work to do on the whole teamwork business, but they were learning quickly, and Kakashi finally understood the pride that Guy had felt for his own team over the past year.

They made Kakashi feel needed, and for the first time in a long time, he believed he had something to offer. He also hoped that his commitment to guiding his three charges would make up for his failure to be a better mentor to Itachi.

He found himself enjoying his role as a Jonin leader, and darn it, those kids were always making him smile, even when he was exasperated with them.

Kakashi identified the most with Sauske, and because of this, he was constantly trying to reign in his arrogance and knock him down a peg or two. Naruto had a similar problem, but Kakashi quickly deduced that his own arrogance came from his lonely past and his drive to prove that he wasn't a loser. Therefore, it was of the utmost importance that Naruto was never excluded, and that he was reminded on a regular basis that he had the support of his team. Sakura, while brilliant in intellect, was far less confident and driven than the other two, and so Kakashi was always encouraging her to trust herself and take chances. All-in-all, it was clear that their development would be slow, but Kakashi had learned long ago that there was nothing wrong with that.

Yet for all of his success with his team, Kakashi found that returning home at night reopened the door to his bleak loneliness. There were too many memories that had haunted his dreams, and when he lay alone in the dark, they returned to him. It seemed that not even his new place as squad leader of a promising team of Genin could completely obliterate the aftereffects of the tragedies he'd been a part of.

Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura were a spark of hope in his life, and they did bring him some measure of happiness. He couldn't say that he'd done quite as well in his personal life, however. Progress had been made since his friends had bequeathed him that precious journal, but he was still stuck in an emotional rut. He still didn't reach out much to Guy and the others. He still had a habit of keeping to himself in his off time. He understood his role in the lives of those kids, but as for where he fit among his peers? That was another challenge entirely.

No matter in which context he found himself, Kakashi was still quite guarded and closed off. He kept a strict boundary between himself and his team, and he continued to keep his friends at arm's length. It seemed that he remained too afraid to reach out or to feel anything more than dedication to his students. Though he had a sense of purpose, he hadn't been able to completely free himself from what was left of his cold and distant demeanor. The shadows, while they tormented him, were far more familiar and easier to deal with than the intimidating world of emotions that were sure to leave him feeling more vulnerable.

While Kakashi had come to like Guy, he found himself unable to relax in the other man's overzealous presence. He also respected Asuma, but since he was the son of the Third Hokage, Kakashi felt somewhat inferior around him. He found that he was rather indifferent to Kurenai, who had a calming air about her that did not make him feel uncomfortable, but he usually got the distinct impression that she could see right through him, as though she understood something that the others did not. She had always been the most empathetic of the group.

Then there was Anko. The resentment he'd once held toward her had disappeared altogether, but the fear had not. Yet, like the comfortable shadows of his tortured mind, Kakashi was learning how to stand his ground when face-to-face with the snake woman. Indeed, he found himself foolishly wishing to reach out and touch her despite the very real possibility of being bitten.

He often wondered what it would feel like. That vision of her suspended in time and surrounded by those petals often crept into his thoughts, as did the memory of her kiss all those years ago, and somehow he knew her venom would be a sweet burn that would drown him.

For a long time, her eyes were enough to petrify him, stopping him from trying anything so reckless. He wasn't ready to banish the numbness and embrace the warmth of some unknown fire.

That didn't stop her from continuing to reach out and remind him that she had no plans of going anywhere. She remained friendly, providing support, encouragement, and humor, though he was always painfully aware that her feelings for him had not changed despite his emphatic rejection of her after that day at the Memorial Stone when he was only twenty, and she, eighteen. Six years had passed, but it didn't take the use of his Sharingan to see that she looked at him the same way she had back then.

No matter how much he contemplated it, he could never comprehend why he evidently meant so much to her. He'd done nothing for her since they met other than throw digs at her or otherwise ignore and avoid her. Truth be told, he was still avoiding lots of things, including putting his full attention on what she did to him with little to no effort at all on her part.

As weeks turned into months, Kakashi found more and more of his spare time was dedicated to thoughts of Anko. While the others were becoming more tolerable by the day, he found himself more willing to dance with the feelings he experienced whenever he was with—or without—Anko. When the time came that he realized he felt far more contented in her presence than out of it, Kakashi decided that he was finally ready step into the sun.

X-X-X

A knock came at her apartment door, and it startled her. She stared at it, dumbfounded. No one ever came to visit her, except occasionally Kurenai and Ibiki. However, Anko knew by the way in which the visitor knocked that it was neither of those two.

Standing from the couch, she strode over to the door, curious and yet hoping no bad news lay on the other side. Flipping the lock, she twisted the knob and opened it, blinking up at the man before her.

"Kakashi?"

"Yo," he said, lifting his hand in a lazy greeting. He seemed altogether unenthusiastic, but then again, 'enthusiastic' was not a word that anyone would use to describe Kakashi.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She couldn't say she wasn't secretly ecstatic that he had stopped by, but it was highly out of the ordinary.

He lifted his arm to scratch the back of his head, obviously uncomfortable as he struggled to find an adequate response.

"I…uh…I was just… I mean…" He blew out a breath, letting his arm drop. What was he doing? This whole thing was foolish and liable to ruin everything. "You know what…never mind. It's nothing." He turned away from her and started down the hall. "Sorry to bother you."

For a moment, Anko watched him, debating on whether or not she should just let him leave.

"Kakashi."

He stopped, hesitated, then glanced at her from over his shoulder.

"Get in here."

He stood there for several seconds, but eventually he relented. He turned back around, and as she stepped aside to let him pass through the doorway, he glanced around at her apartment. It wasn't much. She didn't have too many 'things,' but her dwelling definitely had a nicer feel to it than his did. His apartment was rather dreary, but then again, perhaps that had something to do with all the nightmares he'd woken up from in there—as if they'd tainted it somehow.

He heard the door click shut behind him, and Anko walked back into the room.

"Make yourself at home," she said as she passed him. "Would you like some tea?"

"No thanks," he said flatly.

She stopped her walk to the kitchen and rerouted to the sofa she'd been sitting on previously. "Right," she said, remembering his mask and the fact that he would not want to take it off even for a pleasantry such as a friendly cup of tea. So much for that ice breaker.

"You can sit down," she said as she took her former seat.

Kakashi looked rather awkward, standing there in her small living room, but finally he relented and sat in the chair opposite her with noticeable stiffness. There was a long, uncomfortable silence that seemed to drag on forever, and it became evident to Anko that he would not be the first to break it.

"So…why exactly are you here? Not that I mind, but, you know…It's weird."

Hell if that hadn't come out as equally awkward as the silence. Oh well.

Kakashi sat leaning forward, staring down at the carpet beneath his feet. He closed his eye in a resigned sort of way as he geared himself up to say what needed to be said.

"I don't care for idle chit chat, and I certainly don't like to beat around the bush, so I guess I'll just get straight to the point."

Anko noticed his hands were a little fidgety as he stared down at them—a very odd behavior for the Copy Ninja. Still, she saw no sense in rushing him, so she sat there quietly and waited.

"The truth is," he began, still not able to look up at her. He paused. Then he said, "I need you, Anko."

Her breath hitched and she felt her pulse quicken, her heartbeat suddenly very noticeable beneath her breast. She understood immediately the implication of his words—what they meant, and what they didn't.

"Please, let me explain," he said, expecting her to react at any moment with anger and indignation. He continued to keep his eyes focused downward as he spoke. "You know I've been…lost…for a long time. Truth be told, I'm still lost. I'm not sure where my heart has gone, it's been buried for so long. Even now, even with the changes I've tried to make in my life, everyone still thinks I'm cold…and they're right. Healthy or not, it's the only defense I have.

"And yet…the only time I've felt anything besides cold in all these years…is when I'm with you."

Anko said nothing. She was stunned into absolute silence. Despite his recent admittance of gratitude, she hadn't been certain she'd done much for him at all. She had tried her best, but for years, her best had never seemed to be good enough to get through to him. His responses to her had been as cold as the rest of him. Recently, he'd shown her that her faith in him had not been in vain, but she still took little credit for his change of heart.

"That kiss," he continued. "It has haunted me for years. No," he corrected. Not haunted. Comforted. For a long time, I didn't want to think about it. I was…afraid of my own reaction to it, and so I pushed it aside. But the memory never went away, nor did the reminder that you were always there to challenge me, to try to help me, even when I was intent on pushing you away. But that one memory… Anko, that day, you touched me in a way I hadn't thought possible. I hadn't been sure I even still had a heart, but you made me remember that it was still there."

At last, he did look up to meet her stunned gaze. "With this new squad of Genin, I have a chance to make a fresh start. They've given me hope that good things are possible. But in a lot of ways, I'm still broken… Anko, you make me feel something other than this coldness that I've become so accustomed to. I want that. I want to feel. For the sake of myself and those that now depend on me, I'm finally ready to try."

Could it be that what she was hearing was the truth? Had her efforts to reach him not been in vain after all? Was he really admitting his vulnerabilities and willingly asking for her help in unthawing his frozen heart?

"Kakashi…"

"I'm sorry, Anko," he lamented. "I can't give you all that you want from me. Not right now. The only thing I have to offer is my complete honesty. I need you to help me feel again." He closed his lone, grey eye. "I understand if you say no. I know this is not a reasonable request, but…"

He didn't finish. He was making a fool of himself, and he knew it, rambling on and on as he was. How could he have even come here? What gave him the nerve to ask such a thing of her? With everything she'd tried to do for him, he had shoved her aside, and now he was asking the unthinkable of her.

Anko slowly stood and approached Kakashi. She didn't say a word as she leaned down, placing her hands on the chair on either side of him and gently pressing her lips to the top of his cheek just above his mask.

She understood, and she was not offended. She could have been, and by all rights, she supposed she _should_ have been, but she wasn't.

Her heart had gone out to him all those years ago, and she'd carried her silly wishes around all this time, hoping that one day he would come around and seek her out. He had already admitted that he could not give her his heart, for it was still buried beneath layers of fortified defenses. However, he had come to her of his own volition, exposing himself in a way she was sure he had never done before, humbling himself, and taking a chance in asking for her help in unburying the tender heart she knew was still deep inside him.

He was not yet ready to accept her love, nor to give love in return, but he had made an important first step in opening himself up. How could she possibly turn him away?

Kakashi felt her lips press against his skin, and it was as if she'd breathed life into his frozen corpse. His fingers twitched, and he ached to touch her, but wasn't sure how, or even if he should. When her mouth moved over his and he felt the warm pressure even through the fabric of his mask, he sensed that she was giving him permission to do so. Reluctantly, and with shaky hands, he reached out to touch her body, his fingertips tentatively resting against her sides beneath her coat.

His touch made her shiver, and she pressed her lips more firmly against his to urge him forward. Kakashi's fingers pushed lightly against her, but he did not move his hands to touch her anyplace else. She lifted her right hand from the cushion to lay it upon his leg and rub his thigh, again attempting to coax him into exploring her. He'd come to her with a request, and without words, she had answered in the affirmative. Now it was up to Kakashi to decide whether he would go through with it.

The heat from her palm ignited a foreign fire somewhere inside him, and he didn't even contemplate stifling the impulse to touch her in an equally intimate manner. His hands ran up her sides, beneath her arms, and down over her breasts. When she pushed her chest forward, he gave a gentle squeeze before splaying his fingers across her flat stomach.

Kakashi's palms slid down further to grip her hips, and she lifted her hands to rest them on his shoulders. As she turned her head to add force to the kiss (while simultaneously cursing that stupid mask), Kakashi tried to pull her closer. Anko lifted her leg to rest her knee beside him on the chair, running the fingers of her right hand through his hair before holding the back of his head to keep the little contact between their lips as long as possible.

The butterflies in her stomach were quickly giving way to a growing flame, and for a brief moment, she wondered if she should retreat. He'd already warned her that he could not give her all that she wanted. Was it wise to let her sympathy fuel her desire to have him in any way possible? Was it really a good idea to let herself fall into a trap that would leave her greedy for more than he was able or willing to give?

Anko let those thoughts slip away. It didn't matter now; she'd already gone too far. A taste of him was all that was needed to ensure that she would be lost to him forever. If heartache lay on the other side of whatever was currently unfolding, she would have to deal with it. She couldn't let him go now.

Anko's warmth was astounding, and Kakashi found it strangely effortless to get lost in her touch and in her kiss. He felt the ice around his heart begin to melt, and he didn't feel quite so cold anymore.

He tried again to pull her toward him, but he was disappointed when she pulled away instead. He opened his grey eye, and Anko could easily see the desperation within it and the hope quickly fading from his gaze as he prepared to be thrown back into the frozen tundra inhabited by his darkest demons.

But Anko was not about to let him return to his world of loneliness and pain—not yet. She took Kakashi's hand and stepped backward, urging him to follow. He stood slowly, hesitantly, and looked down into her eyes which silently asked him to trust her.

How could he not? Like a moth to a flame, he was drawn to her, and as she kept a hold of his hand, he allowed her to lead him toward a door that wasn't entirely closed. His gaze locked onto it curiously, and as she pushed it open, he was overcome by a wave of nervousness.

He'd only taken his first steps into her apartment fifteen minutes ago. Now he was being invited, not just into her home, but into her bed.

What had he expected when she had accepted his request? Honestly, he hadn't dared to contemplate what would happen if by chance she would accept it. He had been sure he was making a huge mistake that would have ended with a red mark on his face in the shape of her palm.

Yet she hadn't slapped him. She hadn't thrown him out of her apartment, angry and disgusted. Instead, she'd come to him with a gentleness he hadn't thought possible and kissed him with tender reassurance. He hadn't thought she'd go further, at least not so quickly, and Kakashi was sent into a panic. What was she going to do? What did she expect? Was it too late to retreat? Did he even want to?

She could see and feel the stiffness that was taking over his body, and she aimed to quell his growing anxiety by lacing her fingers with his and lifting her head to place another kiss upon his cheek.

The sweetness of the gesture was exquisitely painful, and he felt a pang of regret for asking such a thing of her. Although tender emotions were still out of Kakashi's reach, he could see plainly that Anko's feelings for him were more than skin deep.

"Anko…"

She touched her fingers to his masked lips. "Don't. It's ok. I understand."

"But—"

"It's ok," she said again, moving her hand up into his silver hair.

And she did understand. Kakashi was not the type to take advantage of others. If anything, he was far too reserved, and that was the problem that he had asked her to help him overcome. He was tired of being alone in his cold, dark world, and to Anko's astonishment, it was apparently only she who had been able to break through his walls and make him feel again. She understood that he did not refuse to return her affections; rather, as of yet, he was _unable_ to return them. The question remained whether he would ever be able to, but that was a question better left for another day.

For now, she would do whatever she could so that Kakashi would feel something other than pain and numbness, if only for a little while.

She lifted the left side of his headband to expose his scarred eye. She shifted her attention to it, and after a moment's hesitation, Kakashi opened his Sharingan. Bringing his face down, she leaned her forehead against his so that she could gaze into those mismatched eyes. They were pained and haunted, but beneath that she could see his amazement and his gratitude.

She looked into the deep scarlet iris, lifting her fingers to trace the scar and the skin around it.

"Why do you like that eye so much…?" he asked. "It's not even mine…"

"But it _is_ yours," she said quietly. "This one eye holds your entire life's story."

It was also because of that eye that she had fallen in love with him all those years ago.

Anko lowered her hands and slowly pulled down the zipper of Kakashi's Jonin vest, then slipped them inside to run them over his chest and shoulders. Kakashi, finally able conjure the will to move, raised his arms so that he could touch the soft, violet locks that fell around her face and run them through his fingers. Those beautiful eyes and her uncharacteristically soft countenance were tearing him apart. All he wanted in that moment was to touch her, to feel her, to hold her—to let her warm light extinguish his cold and empty darkness.

Feeling her breath against his face, he did as she had done and took her head in his hands to kiss her. Anko was taken aback by his sudden boldness, but it spurred her forward. As Kakashi lifted his shoulders, she pushed his vest from them, and it hit the floor with a slight thud. He quickly replaced his hands, desperate to keep the contact between their lips as she shrugged out of her coat and let it pool at her feet. She then reached up behind his head to untie his headband, and it joined his vest on the floor behind him.

Anko slipped her palms beneath both his long-sleeve shirt and his undershirt, and Kakashi shuddered at the new titillating sensation of a woman's hands on his bare skin. He'd been touched by nurses and female medical ninjas before, but those cold medical examinations had been far different than the intimate tenderness with which Anko was touching him now. When she tugged at the garments, he helped her pull them off.

His disappointment at the loss of lip contact was quickly replaced by wonder as Anko placed her lips against the warm flesh of his shoulder. His body tingled and ached as she softly kissed along his arm before she pressed her mouth to his sternum and began to shower his chest with those delicious butterfly kisses, her hair tickling his skin. He watched her though half-lidded eyes as she bent to continue her gentle worship of his body, moving down along his abdomen. Her lips brushed against the tops of his hips and above the waistband of his pants while her fingers continued their exploration. Kakashi was both entranced and excited by this novel pleasure, and keeping his eyes on her only intensified the experience.

A nervous anticipation washed over him as he contemplated what she would do next. Although Anko didn't appear to be in any hurry, things were moving far quicker than he'd thought they would. His brain took him too far too fast, and he was relieved when she slowly straightened and wrapped her arms around his torso, her head in the crook of his shoulder. He felt those lips again as her hands roved gently over his back.

He could tell that her touch and her kiss was meant to be soothing, and indeed it was. It lulled him into a sense of peace and security; but it also fueled a hunger he hadn't known he'd possessed. He could feel her breasts against his chest, her thighs against his legs—her small softness in sharp contrast to his taller, harder build. He certainly didn't feel cold anymore. Every nerve in his body was on fire.

Part of him wanted things to move faster, but the other part remained reluctant and afraid.

Sensing his hesitation, Anko laid her head against him and stopped the motion of her hands. She simply held him, giving him the freedom to choose whether they stopped or continued on. Beneath her ear, she could hear the rapid pounding of his heart as the seconds ticked on.

He could end it now before things went too far, but did he really want to? As uncertain as he was about what would inevitably happen if they continued as they were, Kakashi was already aching for Anko to return to touching him and kissing him. His tented trousers told him to move things along, but should he? He knew she was giving him the choice.

Closing his eyes, Kakashi drew in several deep, steadying breaths while he attempted to reengage his brain. This was what he'd asked for in not so many words, but he honestly hadn't expected to enjoy it so much. He had expected to experience that same nervous surprise that he'd felt the first time she'd kissed him in front of the Memorial Stone. Instead, the feel of her hands, her lips, and her body excited him more than it scared him, making him feel truly alive. He didn't have to fight not to run. This time, he desperately wanted to stay in the beautiful circle of her arms.

His life had been much too tumultuous for him to even entertain thoughts of being intimate with a woman. Sure, he'd read one of Master Jiraiya's novels, but it hadn't really done much for him other than to serve as a distraction, albeit an interesting one. Now as he stood there, teetering on the brink of succumbing to the allure of Anko's warm, inviting arms, he almost wished he'd discovered it sooner. All of the darkness was quickly fading away, replaced by the most exquisite thoughts and sensations.

He couldn't stop it now—he didn't want to. Kakashi lifted his hands to her arms, rubbing them before sliding his palms across her back. Kakashi wrapped his arms around Anko, and he felt her tighten her hold on him in response. A few brief moments went by before he was brave enough to reach down and run his hands beneath her skirt.

With a quiet moan, Anko unfastened his weapons pouch and turned her head to press her lips to the side of his neck. With a gentle nuzzle and a slight push, she guided him until the back of his legs hit the side of her bed. Her lips returned to his as she dipped her fingers into the waistband of his pants and boxers, and pulled them down until he was able to step out of them. Easing him back until he sat on the bed, naked except for the mask that she didn't dare try to remove, she continued to kiss him as she unbuckled her skirt, then guided his hands, helping him to remove the clothing from her lower body.

She placed his hands flat against her bare thighs, and as she stood straight to pull off her shirt and remove her bra, her pelvic muscles clenched and a tight ball of desire began to form low in her abdomen when Kakashi stroked her legs and grasped her backside.

His face heated beneath the dark blue fabric as he set eyes on her naked body for the first time. That kid that had watched him with an incurable fascination no matter how hard he had tried to scare her away was all grown up, and now it was _Kakashi_ who was watching _her_ in wonder. He recalled that vision of her surrounded by those pink petals. What a sight she'd make now with them floating around her naked form.

He scooted back onto the bed as she climbed onto it, moving behind him to massage his shoulders and relieve more of his tension. She pressed her lips to a spot between his shoulder blades, slowly moving up the back of his neck and down to his upper left am.

The whole thing was surreal. His skin was heated, a shiver of pleasure ran up and down his spine, and though he sat before her, naked and vulnerable, her gentle treatment made him feel safe.

Anko crawled in front of him again rising to kneel between his open legs, her own thighs spread apart. His eyes dropped to her chest, noting the snake fang pendant that lay between her breasts, and she took his head in her hands, pulling it closer until it rested against her bosom. Wrapping one arm around her, he closed his eyes and inhaled her scent as she laid her head on top of his, stroking the back of his head with one hand while guiding his own hand between her legs with the other.

Kakashi drew in a deep breath through his nose when his fingers touched the most intimate part of her. The tactile sensation intrigued and excited him, and it took no more coaxing on her part for him to explore her. His ear against her chest, he heard her breath hitch and felt her entire body shudder when an upward stroke of his fingers passed over that sensitive little nub. He did it again, on purpose this time, and she shuddered again with a small, quiet moan. He rubbed that spot just to hear those sounds and feel her tremble against him, her heartbeat jumping.

Was he really doing that to her? Was he finally doing something right? Her legs shook and she clutched at his hair, falling apart at his touch until his fingers were coated with her release.

Her other hand found the proof of his own arousal as he pushed two fingers inside her. It startled him, but it was a pleasant surprise as she began to stroke him. He did the same for her, and for a while, they sat together, simply touching and exploring one another.

The strange dichotomy of peace and arousal left Kakashi conflicted. His erection was so hard it hurt, but he didn't want such a fragile, beautiful moment to end just yet. What would happen next? Would they…? Would she…?

When she began to pull away, he instantly missed the intimate nature of being held against her breast and hearing every breath and every heartbeat.

Lifting a hand to his chest, she urged him to turn and lie down so that his head rested on her pillows. She leaned over him, placing a kiss to his sternum before straddling him, her face above his.

He saw it in her eyes—that love that was now fully exposed to him—and he wondered how she could possibly hold those feelings within her heart. How could she love him? He hadn't earned it. He was a shadow, a part of the darkness, and he had been so unfair to her and to so many others for so long. _Why_ did she love him? What was her reason?

Whenever Kakashi looked in the mirror, all he could see was a failure. But what did Anko see?

At once he regretted his decision to even set foot in her apartment. Here was a woman who was giving him her heart and soul, not expecting anything in return, and he was taking advantage of her feelings for him. If he felt like scum before, he certainly felt worse than scum now.

"Anko," he said before she could kiss him again.

"I told you, it's okay," she said, seeing the guilt in his eyes.

"No. It's not. Anko, I can't do this to you," he said, stopping her advance. "Look, this…this isn't about me—it _shouldn't_ be about me."

She shook her head. "It's not about you or me. This moment is about us. It's ours; yours and mine."

"But—"

"I don't want you to run away," she said desperately. "Not again… I've waited for so long for you to come to me, and now that you're here, I don't want you to regret this. I want you to stay with me and feel it. Enjoy it. I don't want to let you go. Unless… Unless you really want to." She paused. "Kakashi, forget about me for a minute," she said quietly. "Do you still want this?"

He closed his eyes, trying to think. He'd already drug her too far into this. He supposed now it didn't matter whether he stayed or not. The damage had been done. She was pleading with him not to leave her.

What did _he_ want? Did he want to stay?

The physical part of himself wanted to stay—wanted to finish—but he tuned it out. That wasn't what mattered. What mattered was what he wanted emotionally and mentally. In Anko's arms and in her bed, he no longer felt cold, miserable, and alone. A warmth had begun taking over his mind and body from the moment she'd first kissed him, and now he was flooded with it. He couldn't remember ever feeling that way before. Clearly he meant something to Anko, and she was trying her hardest to assure him that he didn't have to face the world all by himself.

What would happen if he left now?

The thought pained him. Suddenly he realized that as soon as he slipped out of her arms, he'd only ache to return to her; to this surreal and beautiful safe haven; to this place where he felt like a man instead of a mistake.

"Yes," he finally said. He slowly opened his eyes. "I do. As long as you're sure…"

Another kiss was his answer, and even he cursed the barrier of his mask. Kakashi let his hands travel along her body, memorizing each dip and every curve; marveling at the softness of a woman coupled with the hard muscle of a warrior. She had fought for him from day one, but he hadn't realized it before. He hadn't wanted to see it because it would have meant seeing himself as something worthwhile when all he'd ever felt was worthless. Her confidence in, and devotion to him were so incredible that he simple couldn't comprehend them.

As he lost himself in his blissful thoughts and in Anko, he felt her hand travel down between them. He reached down to stop her, and she pulled her head back to look into his eyes again.

It seemed funny that he should only now be embarrassed, but he was. His face warmed as he tried to stammer out a question. "Have…h-have you ever…?"

Again, she shook her head with smile.

He briefly wondered how that was possible since she seemed so experienced somehow, and there he was, clueless as a teenager. But then it hit him how truly special this moment was that they were sharing. She had known it all along; a connection that patched the holes in their hearts and bridged the gap between them. He really did have it wrong. She was right. It wasn't about him. It was about them.

His epiphany was punctuated by the heat that suddenly enveloped the head of his arousal, a beautiful sound of pleasure escaping Anko's lips as her eyes fell closed. His hands were on her hips, and he felt her body shudder and her muscles spasm as she eased down onto him, allowing time for her walls to expand and adjust.

Her lashes fluttered as she slowly rose up, and then down again, and she gazed down into his half-lidded eyes.

"Feel that?" she asked breathily.

He grunted. How could he not? He was feeling a hell of a lot, and the physical pleasure only made his head spin faster. Unconsciously, he began to move his hips, wanting the motion, the heat, and the friction. It was easy to get lost in it all.

Anko laid down on top of him, her head in the crook of his neck as she rolled her pelvis, her shallow breaths egging him on. He glanced over at her and noticed that she still sported her usual ponytail. Reaching over with one hand, he removed the band to let it loose.

Kakashi wrapped his arms around her as they moved against one another in that timeless motion. The connection between them was exquisite, and he kept asking himself, _'Why? Why didn't I come to her sooner?'_

When she pushed herself up, he let his hands rest on her thighs. He watched her head fall back, her hair falling around her face and shoulders, eyes closed and lips parted in ecstas _y._

He was fixated on her, watching and feeling her every movement. Each soft cry, each bounce of her breasts, each undulation of her hips, each flutter of her hair, fueled a desire he hadn't known he was capable of experiencing. And yet, he could only watch for so long…

Sitting up, he gently took hold of her and eased her down onto her back, careful not to break their intimate physical connection. He marveled at the way her hair fanned out across the pillow beneath her head. Anko looked up at him in surprise, holding onto his shoulders as he continued their previous rhythm.

Gazing up into his eyes, and more specifically, into his Sharingan, she saw each emotion that flashed within them. She flushed at the adoration she hadn't expected to find there, unable to stop the smile from spreading across her face. There was the sincerity she knew he kept hidden. There was his heart, for once on his sleeve instead of locked deep down inside.

For the first time, she saw fully the man she'd only ever seen glimpses of. A man whose thoughts and emotions ran deeper than he cared to admit even to himself. She only wished…

As Kakashi basked in the glory of such sweet bliss, he at last came to realize how much Anko had given him, and he was beyond grateful. He tried to convey that gratitude in his eyes, but it felt inadequate. Knowing there was really only one way to show her how much he appreciated everything she had done and was still doing for him, he slowly lifted his right hand to his face.

Anko saw the motion, but couldn't comprehend it. Even as Kakashi hooked his fingers behind his mask, she simply stared up at him, not understanding. It wasn't until he fully pulled the cloth away that she gasped, her eyes wide as she took in the features of his handsome face; a face that he'd kept hidden from the world for so long.

He understood her bewilderment, answering her unspoken question. "You've done so much for me already. It's really the least I can do."

She wanted to touch it—his nose, his chin, his cheeks. She raised her hand to act on the impulse, but stopped, still in shock. When Kakashi's naked lips touched hers for the first time, that hand curled in on itself as the tears gathered in the corners of her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.

Kakashi stroked her hair as he continued to move against her, refusing to remove his mouth from hers. This wasn't about him. It was about them. This moment was a two-way street. She'd given so much, and he'd given so little. Now, seeing the surprise and the wonder in her eyes, and feeling the emotions in her lips and in her body, he was sure that they were even.

X-X-X

A dreamless sleep was more than he could have asked for, and when he woke the next morning, he felt well rested for once. Glancing next to him, he found that Anko had yet to wake, and he carefully turned toward her, his eyes drawn to her peaceful face.

He should have felt dirty and ashamed for taking advantage of the feelings she clearly had for him, but he couldn't bring himself to regret the events of the previous night: not when he couldn't recall another time when he had been genuinely happy to be alive. The physical connection he'd shared with Anko hadn't simply been beautiful; it had been sublime, and he was still intoxicated from its effects.

Kakashi was aware that if it had been any other woman, it wouldn't have been so special. It wasn't the act itself that had melted the ice around his heart, but rather her love and her faith in him. Further, he'd known that if he threw his vulnerabilities at her feet, she was sure to take care of them, and she had.

For his friends, he was extremely grateful. Yet, it seemed that only she had the ability open his eyes so that he could better see himself. His past would never go away, but maybe—just maybe—there was something inside him worth uncovering.

Looking at the woman in front of him, his mind was clouded by admiration and gratitude. Trying not to disturb her, he carefully reached out to run his fingers through her violet hair where it lay spread across her pillow, and gently stroke the side of her pretty face. His thumb ghosted across her slightly parted lips before she turned her head toward him, and he moved his hand behind it and into her hair. When her eyes finally fluttered open, she looked back at him with a dazed, half-lidded gaze, her far hand resting at the same level as her shoulder.

Kakashi had no words. He watched as those eyes drifted closed again while his fingers continued to toy with her soft, dark hair until she'd fallen back asleep.

Sometime later, he knew he would need to move from that blissful moment. Gently, he pressed his lips to hers before climbing out of the bed, doing his best not to rouse her again.

He dressed himself, needing no more light than what filtered through the curtains of her bedside window, then he padded quietly out into the living room and took a seat in the same chair he'd occupied the night before to think.

Perhaps an hour had passed before Anko emerged from the bedroom in a purple robe. She was relieved to see him sitting there, but wondered whether he was already regretting what they'd done. Moving so as not to startle him, she approached and sat delicately on the arm of the chair.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"Honestly?" he began, his tone far more easy than she was used to. "I've never been better." He paused, and she respected the momentary silence. "'Thank you' seems so inadequate…but it's all I've got."

She gave a teasing grin. "You were so articulate yesterday."

Kakashi chuckled. "Yeah, well… To be fair, I'd had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to say."

Compelled once again to touch him, Anko placed a hand on his back and laid her head upon his shoulder. "You don't have to say anything," she said, recalling the sight of his uncovered face, flawless save for the scar across his left eye. He took her other hand in his. "I got the message, loud and clear."

Several minutes passed in silence before she finally pulled her head away and smiled at him.

"Are you ready for some tea yet?"

He gave an eye-crinkle. "Just tea? I'm kind of hungry…"

Anko laughed as she stood and headed for the kitchen, Kakashi's eyes on her.

"Whatever you want, Hatake."

 **A/N:** I think one more chapter will close this story. I said I was only going to go up to about the point where Kakashi meets Team 7. It's gone a little past that, but there really is no point in going too much further. Just a heads-up!


	18. Chapter 18: Love and Sacrifice

**A/N:** SOOOOOOOOOOOO… I unintentionally lied to you all. This will not be the last chapter. There will be at least one more, and I say "at least" because although I might be sure now, I was also sure that Chapter 18 would be the last one, but it's not. I didn't plan to go this far into the storyline of the original anime/manga, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It will feel like a more natural tie in to the end I want this story to have, and it will also bring it full circle so that we end where we began, but with a different outlook. You'll see what I mean when we get there.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, not the end, but the next chapter of this adventure.

 _Chapter Eighteen: Love and Sacrifice_

The weight of his past had lessened, and the coldness within him had begun to melt away little by little. While Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura had given Kakashi hope for the future, Anko had helped him to regain hope for himself. She had been strong for the both of them and had reached out to pull him from the pit of dark loneliness he'd been prepared to inhabit for the rest of his days among the living. Kakashi had been half dead, awaiting the day he'd be struck down, and all the pain he'd carried around for so long would haunt him no longer.

Imagine his immense surprise and relief to find that death had not been the only way out. For years, Anko had been the flicker of light, the small flame in the darkness. He'd kept his eyes closed so that he couldn't see it, and he'd told himself that there was no salvation at the end of his purgatory. He remained in denial until it eventually became impossible to deny that spark of heat that had always seemed to burn at the very edges of his consciousness.

Once his eyes had been opened, he found a whole world before him that wasn't as dark as he'd first believed. He was still cautious and tentative, but he was also full of a nervous excitement. He smiled more; he laughed more; he enjoyed more; he felt more. His conversations with others became less awkward and more natural. His competitions with Guy became more eventful. He himself became more spontaneous and developed a real sense of humor.

These changes were not immediate, but they did happen far quicker than Kakashi had anticipated. He knew well why. He had already tackled the scariest part of stepping into this new world of hope when he'd let himself be vulnerable to Anko. He'd fallen at her feet, and she'd made him feel safe—more than that; she'd made him feel loved, like he was someone worthwhile.

It would have been pointless to lie to himself—to tell himself that he didn't want to be touched and kissed by her again. Not a day went by that he didn't find himself preoccupied with thoughts of her, or wish that they could share another night like that one. However, he made a silent promise that he would not take advantage of her love for him again. That love was a gift that Kakashi was still unable to reciprocate.

Kakashi felt many things for Anko; admiration, gratitude, appreciation, affection, longing, and even lust. While there was also a tenderness that overtook him when he thought of her, he wasn't sure that he could call it love. It was too new, and no matter how strong it was, Kakashi remembered that Anko's love had kept her at his side for years despite the adversity he'd thrown at her. He wasn't sure that his own feelings for her were as durable.

As Kakashi's relationships with others grew, he expected whatever tethered him to Anko to fade. His friendships assured him that he really did have a place within the village, and he wasn't meant simply to defend it until he met his end by the sword of the Hidden Leaf's enemies.

And yet, whatever bond he shared with Anko didn't dissipate. He still found comfort in her presence, more so than anyone else's, and it seemed that the more success he found among his peers, the stronger his affection for her grew. Without her, he reasoned, he might never have had the opportunity to enjoy life in the light like everybody else.

They saw each other often, but Kakashi resisted his desire to touch her, and she seemed to continue to respect his need for space. _'If she only knew,'_ he thought.

Anko watched as he continued to change, and she could sense a shift in the attention he paid her. As much as she wanted to get closer to him, she was still afraid of scaring him off despite that unbelievable night they'd spent in one another's arms.

Months went by, and she began to wonder whether he would return to her at all. Perhaps he'd only needed her for a brief moment. Yet a warmth had taken over that lazy, grey eye of his, and when he looked at her, she saw it sparkle with those same emotions that had flashed in his eyes when he'd trusted her enough to let her see his face.

The others commented on Kakashi's new behavior, but only Kurenai was observant enough to have quickly pieced together that the change in Kakashi's behavior was Anko's doing. The day after their one-night stand, Anko and Kurenai had been walking together when Kurenai noted the other woman's good mood. Anko had shrugged it off, but the Yuhi wasn't fooled when they passed Kakashi, and he looked up from his book to watch Anko with intense interest.

" _Alright, spill it. What's going on?" she'd asked once they were out of earshot of the Copy Ninja._

" _Nothing. Why?"_

 _Kurenai had looked back at Anko with raised eyebrows. "You're cheerful and Kakashi couldn't take his eyes off of you, but you're going to pretend neither of those things are true?"_

 _They were moving into a less traveled part of the village, but Anko still replied quietly. "So what if something did happen?"_

" _I knew it would. It's about time," said Kurenai with a smile. "Do I get to know what it was?"_

" _I doubt he'd appreciate it if I went around telling people."_

" _You're right. I shouldn't pry." She giggled. "Though I think I can guess accurately enough judging by your demeanor and that glow in your cheeks."_

 _Anko's face heated. "W-what?!"_

" _Relax. The others won't put two and two together. Though I must say, I'm beyond surprised… How did you manage to convince him when the man won't even take off that mask?"_

" _I…I didn't," she stammered. "Look, can we change the subject? I don't really want to talk about it."_

" _Of course, sorry… But I just have to say, I'm glad to know you finally got through to him. More than that, it looks like you really got under his skin, judging by the way he was staring at you."_

" _Pft, he was staring?"_

" _You mean you didn't notice?"_

 _She had noticed. It was impossible not to. However, she didn't know how to answer Kurenai, so she kept her mouth shut._

" _I always knew it would be you," said Kurenai. "None of us knew what to do for him, so we just stood on the sidelines. You took the initiative, which is something the rest of us didn't have the courage to do."_

" _Yeah, well…it came at a cost," said Anko, remembering the heartache she'd endured for years. It had lessened when he'd come to her for help in unthawing his frozen heart, but it was still there, and she doubted he'd take it away permanently. If he was paying attention to her, she was sure the novelty would wear off sooner or later._

The time was upon them to take recommendations for the Chunin Exams. Just as Anko has expected, Kakashi recommended all three of his students, though she couldn't help but think they were still too green to be able to pass. The Uchiha kid showed promise, but the other two were rather lackluster.

"Don't think I'll play favorites," she warned him. "Your little maggots will have to up their game in order to pass these exams."

"I don't expect special treatment for them. They'll sink or swim on their own."

"You believe in them, don't you?" she prodded, her arms crossed.

"I do. I think they'll surprise you."

"Heh, we'll see, Hatake."

"I suppose we will," he said, accepting the unspoken bet.

The first round passed rather quickly, and also rather anticlimactically. Ibiki had been in charge of the first test, and it seemed that a total of twenty-six teams had passed.

"I'm disappointed in you," she chastised as she sat on the desk in his office the evening after the exam. "You were supposed to fail twice that many!"

"I don't know what you want me to say. Looks like they actually had their heads on straight this year."

"That, or your test was way too easy," she grumbled. "You're going too soft, you know that?"

He glared at her, daring her to say it again. He finally sighed. "Though I'll admit, something did go horribly wrong today. I passed a candidate that didn't even answer a single question."

"Are you serious? Who?" she demanded, leaning forward.

Ibiki rifled through the stack of exams and handed her one of the tests.

"Wait, that's—"

"Naruto Uzumaki."

She blinked down at the blank page in her hand, dumbfounded. She remembered the bell test Kakashi had given his team when they'd first met, and how Naruto had charged in head first, narrowly passing the test only because of his teammates. It seemed he'd gotten through the first round of the Chunin Exams by the skin of his teeth.

"Well I'll be damned," she mused.

"Watch out for that one. He's a wild card."

"Oh believe me, I know…"

X-X-X

The next day saw the twenty-six teams gathered before the Forest of Death as Anko laid down the ground rules and the objective of the test. Upon releasing them into the forest, it took no time at all for the screams to begin echoing through the trees.

Several hours later found Anko laying back on the roof of the pavilion, watching the clouds roll by.

"Isn't it boring sitting here all day and all night?"

She turned her head to look down at Kakashi and grinned. "Nah. The occasional sounds of terror are entertaining enough."

His brow rose beneath his headband. "Really now? That's a rather morbid form of entertainment, don't you think?"

Anko sat up and swung her legs over the edge. "Hey, it's not like I'm hoping they die. But if they can't handle the forest, they don't deserve to become Chunin."

"That's true…"

"You're not here to help your brats, are you?"

"No. I was just wandering through."

"Sure you were," she said skeptically, trying to study what little she could see of his face.

So perhaps he'd taken a detour knowing she'd be there proctoring the second exam. She didn't have to know that. After a long pause, he turned to leave, but Anko stopped him.

"Kakashi."

He halted his footsteps and glanced over his shoulder.

"Hey, get my pack for me, will ya?"

He looked up at the sky with a roll of his eyes. "Why is it that you're always so demanding?" he asked, obeying her request anyway.

"I guess I picked it up from you," she teased as he hopped up onto the roof beside her. She took her pack from him and opened it to fish out the food she'd brought with her.

"Is that a dig?"

"Maybe," she said with a smirk. "Ah, dumplings and sweet red bean soup! Care for some?"

"No thanks. I'm not really hungry."

"Uh huh. You just don't want to remove that mask of yours—not that I don't already know what's under it," she said with a flirty wink. "Don't worry. I haven't told anyone."

"I wouldn't have shown you if I didn't trust you," he pointed out, propping his arm up on his knee as he looked up at the sky.

"Yeah, I know," she said quietly, glancing over at him before digging into her supper. "What, you're not going to read that stupid book of yours?"

"I would have thought you'd be grateful for my undivided attention," he said, glancing at her.

"Heh. Well, you're not wrong," she replied, trying to keep her eyes on her dumplings.

Little did she know that she'd been the reason he'd picked the orange book out in the first place, or that he'd taken to ignoring the description of the heroine in favor of imagining Anko. He looked forward again to keep her from noticing the color rising to his visible cheek, and he was grateful that his mask covered the left side of his face.

"So why are you really here?" she asked after several long minutes had passed in silence.

"I had nothing else to do since my students are currently taking your test," he said absently.

"Speaking of, one of your Genin passed the first exam without answering any of Ibiki's test questions."

"Let me guess: Naruto, right?"

"You got it. Lucky little spaz. I got him back though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I scared the pants off of him when he got smart with me this morning."

Kakashi chuckled. "At least I can count on you to help keep him in line when I'm not around…"

Anko had already finished her dumplings and now downed the rest of her red bean soup.

"Hey, once this test is over, they're not my responsibility anymore. That will all revert back to you." She replaced the empty food containers back in her pack and stowed it away.

"Thanks for the support."

"So you're not really going to answer my question?"

"Hm?" Kakashi glanced back at her. "I believe I did answer it."

"You expect me to believe that you were so bored, you thought you'd come here of all places to give yourself something to do, and then ask me about how boring it must be to proctor this exam?"

He blinked. "I guess you got me there."

She lifted her brows, her arms crossed as she waited for his real answer.

"I just wanted your company. Now are you satisfied?"

She elbowed him and rolled her eyes with a huff, and this time it was her turn to look away so he didn't see her flushed cheeks.

"What, you don't believe that either?"

"No."

He shrugged. "Then I guess there's no pleasing you."

"Now you're calling me hard to please?"

"You won't accept the truth."

She gave a dark chuckle and shook her head. "We really are alike, aren't we?"

"Maybe we are."

She met his gaze when it became evident that he wasn't going to take his eyes off of her. "What?"

Kakashi didn't know how to answer her. That moment was the first time they'd been truly alone since that night, and he hadn't expected to be so affected by it. He probably shouldn't have come here.

He glanced away only to look back when her fingers touched his where his hand lay between them.

Anko saw the struggle in his grey eye. He was trying to come to grips with something, and her hope that he might return to her after all was replenished.

"You can tell me."

"I know…"

"But…you're still not sure…are you?"

Sure? Honestly, he hadn't felt so sure of himself for a long time, and that was what scared him. Those times when he had been absolutely certain had been the most tragic points in his life. He had come to terms with what he felt for Anko, and he was _sure_ that those emotions weren't fleeting. He couldn't say the same for that moment, however. One wrong move could completely obliterate it. Could he take that chance?

He lifted his hand and placed it over top of hers. "I am sure, but that's the problem," he said, hoping she understood his meaning.

She saw the flicker of fear in that eye. She didn't completely comprehend it, but she understood enough to know that he needed a bit more reassurance, another gentle push. Not wanting to scare him further, she took it slow as she leaned in toward him. Surprisingly, he moved to meet her halfway, and the corners of her mouth turned upward. Her pulse jumped as they grew closer, and she wondered if she'd get to taste him again without that mask.

Kakashi swallowed, but forced himself forward. How could it be wrong when they evidently wanted the same thing?

When he was younger, he'd been sure of his abilities; sure of his authority; sure of his position; sure of his conviction in following the rules; sure that the mission was more important than the people sent to carry it out. He'd been arrogant and selfish, thinking he was above the others. With Anko, he felt inferior and vulnerable. It wasn't himself he was sure of—it was her. She'd never let him down before, and reason told him she wouldn't drop his heart now. Yet, he couldn't expect her to wait for him forever. He had to take that leap while he knew there was a safe place to land within her arms.

He felt her breath ghost against his clothed face, and he gently squeezed her hand just before their lips would meet.

The crack of a transport Jutsu jarred them apart, Kakashi removing his hand from hers as their attention was drawn to the Tokubetsu Jonin that had appeared on the ground in front of them.

"Pardon, Ma'am, there's a problem," he said, addressing Anko without preamble.

She was momentarily shaken, hoping the Jonin hadn't seen anything, but she pulled her attention from Kakashi to focus on what he was saying.

"Hm? What sort of problem?"

"Corpses, Ma'am, three of them."

She and Kakashi looked at one another.

"Really, now?" she asked, deflating.

"I think you'll want to see them. There's something strange about them."

She narrowed her eyes at the Jonin below them. "Besides being dead?"

"Come see for yourself."

Sighing, she hopped down from the roof of the pavilion. Kakashi followed suit. She supposed she should be more shook up over dead bodies, but it was taking her a few minutes to disengage her mind and heart from the intimate moment they'd been sharing before the Jonin had intruded with the macabre news.

"You don't mind if I tag along, do you?" Kakashi asked her.

"I'd prefer that you did," she conceded before turning her attention back to the other Jonin. "So, where are they?"

X-X-X

"I went through their belongings, found their identification," said another of the Tokubetsu Jonin, Kotetsu. "Ninja from the Hidden Grass Village. All three of them were registered for the Chunin Exams. They weren't just killed."

"Their faces," said Anko, disgusted. "They're gone."

"Yeah. There's nothing where their faces use to be, like they melted or something."

Kakashi knelt down to examine one of the bodies. Something twisted in his gut as he looked at the skull, fully visible since the skin had been removed.

"Even with all my years in the ANBU, I've never seen anything like this. It's a forbidden Jutsu. It has to be."

Anko's blood had run cold, especially when her shoulder began to sting. She attempted to deny the first conclusion that leapt into her mind, but it was useless. She knew the truth, and it both scared and angered her. She lifted her hand to touch the Curse Mark hidden behind her collar as her heart began to pound in her ears.

' _No doubt about it. This is_ his _Jutsu. Why is he here? What's he doing at the Chunin Exams?'_

"Ok, I need photos of what these three used to look like," she barked. "Where are their ID's?"

"Right here, Ma'am," said the first Jonin.

The first face was immediately familiar. It was the Grass ninja from earlier, the one that had returned the kunai that she'd used to mess with the Uzumaki kid. _'Had it already happened when—?'_

Kakashi got to his feet. "Anko?" he prodded, noting her horrified expression.

"We've got big trouble," she said, turning to the three Tokubetsu Jonin and having already made up her mind what she was going to do. "Ok, get moving. Tell Lord Hokage exactly what's happened here. And while you're at it, tell ANBU Black Ops they'd better get a couple of convoys to the Forest of Death. Meanwhile, I'm going to head in after these guys. Now go!"

"Right!" they said before disappearing.

Her back was to Kakashi as she reached up to touch her shoulder again. It had been a decade or more, but he'd finally returned to the Hidden Leaf Village. She'd been expecting it, but like a bad dream, she'd kept wishing it all away. However, she'd known better, and reality had finally caught up with her again.

Kakashi's gaze was drawn to her hand, and he knew.

"It's Orochimaru," he said, and it was a statement rather than a question.

"Yes," she replied gruffly.

There was a long pause, the only sound made by the wind rustling the leaves of the trees around them.

"You're going after him."

"You got any better ideas?"

"Then I'm coming with you."

"No!" she growled, whirling on him with a cold fire in her eyes. It was an expression he'd never seen on her before.

"No?" he repeated with disbelief.

"That's right, no. For years, I've waited for this day, and I have a score to settle."

Kakashi placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes with empathy. "I understand. He betrayed you, and he murdered your parents. But you can't take him on alone, especially not if he has Jutsu like this at his disposal."

She shoved his arms away and stepped out of his reach. "I was too stupid to stop him the first time, and I'm not letting him get away with this," she shouted, pointing to the faceless corpses.

"Anko, you're not at fault for Orochimaru's actions."

"Save it. This is my fight, and you can't stop me, so stay out of my way."

His eyes softened. "Please…let me help you," he said, stepping toward her.

As much as she appreciated his offer, she wasn't about to drag Kakashi into this mess, not if she could end it.

He was right: she couldn't beat Orochimaru on her own. But she could stop him.

As she looked back at Kakashi, she tried to keep her expression hard even as her heart began to shatter. Ten years ago, she'd been betrayed and abandoned by her former Sensei. Ten years ago, she returned to the village to find that her life would never be the same. It had been Kakashi that had given her another reason to keep on going. He had inspired her and gave her something to strive toward. For those ten years, she'd loved him, waited for him, and fought for him. It had taken all that time, but he'd finally broken free of the dark shadows of his past, and he now had a future in those three Genin he'd become so fond of.

She had wanted desperately to be a part of that future. From the moment she'd fallen for Kakashi, her heart had never wavered. Her faithfulness had paid off. The man that now stood before her was not full of hopelessness. He'd come a long way in those ten years—so far that she could see that the emotions in that grey eye ran far deeper than he was able to vocalize at that moment.

She didn't need to hear the words on his lips because she could see them in that eye, and she fought to keep her hard expression in place even though she wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.

"Anko…"

For ten years, she had waited for two things: Kakashi's love, and the return of the monster that was once her mentor. If only Kakashi's heart had worked just a little faster…

Quickly, she closed the space between them, pulling down his mask a split second before her lips covered his with a force he hadn't anticipated. She poured everything she felt into that kiss: the love, the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the desperation, and all her hopes for him. She held his face in her hands, and he grasped at her upper arms, returning the forceful, heated kiss without even questioning his response.

Kakashi drank it all in, but there was a heavy unsureness that settled over him. He felt everything she was trying to convey with those sweet lips, good and bad. He wanted to stifle the bad, to deny it and to bury it, but she replaced his mask and pulled out of his arms before he could hold her there.

"Don't follow me," she ordered in the same tone she'd used with the other Jonin.

"Anko!" he shouted, but she was already gone.

A fear like nothing he'd ever known choked him. That flame, that flicker of light, had disappeared, and he found himself terrified that it had vanished for good. Her kiss has fanned the fires that had been building within him for months, a powerful reassurance that she still loved him; but it had felt for all the world like a final goodbye.

Painful pressure began to build in his chest, and he couldn't push it away. The shadow of tragedy was upon him once more, and it was about to steal another victim.

No. No, he wouldn't let it.

He slid a scroll from a pocket of his vest before performing a summoning Jutsu. With a crack, all eight of his ninja hounds were in front of him, awaiting his orders.

"Find Anko!" he commanded, and without hesitation, they scattered.

X-X-X

She ran through the pain and the hurt, forcing down the tears that threatened to well up behind her eyes. Kakashi would be fine, but if she didn't take care of Orochimaru, they would all be in grave danger. She shook away the bulk of her emotions. If she was going to confront him and take him down, she couldn't allow herself to be bogged down by distractions, no matter how bittersweet.

The sun began to wane in the sky, bathing the forest in a fiery orange, but still, there was no sign of him. She could feel him, though, and as she traveled deeper into the forest, her the sting in her shoulder only grew.

Darkness fell before she knew she was getting closer. She wondered why she hadn't sensed his presence earlier that day, but it occurred to her that perhaps he hadn't wanted her to. Now? He was most likely expecting her, awaiting her challenge.

' _Ready or not, that bastard is going to get what's coming to him.'_

Sure enough, he was waiting for her when she finally found him, stolen face and all. He was fused upside down within a tree, no doubt painting a disturbing image on purpose to intimidate her. Little did he know that it didn't matter one way or another to her, because she was more than prepared to die if it meant taking him with her.

Regardless of her willingness to sacrifice herself for the safety of the Hidden Leaf Village, his unnerving laugh sent chills down her spine.

"Well, well, Anko. It's been awhile."

"This is no time to reminisce," she growled, getting straight to the point. She had no desire to shoot the breeze with the man who had killed her parents in cold blood.

"Oh, I can taste the bitterness from here. You're still angry with me, aren't you?"

"Shut up! Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it! You're an S-Class criminal, top of the Most Wanted list. You've got to be taken down, and it's only fitting that I'm the one to do it." She slid three poison Senbon from her sleeves into each hand. "Cause after all, you're the one who taught me everything, _right Sensei_?"

"Not quite."

Anko didn't give him a chance to say any more. She drew her arm back to throw the Senbon, but like a frog rather than a snake, his tongue shot out of his mouth to attack her. She dodged it, jumping up to land on the trunk of the tree across from him with chakra-infused feet. The tongue followed her, though, swirling upward to grab her arm and pull her back down.

She landed in a half-kneeling position, quickly extending her arm.

"Striking Shadow Snakes!"

From her sleeves came four serpents, their fangs aimed straight at Orochimaru. They dove into the tree and wrapped themselves around his body.

"Come out of there!" she shouted as she pulled him free of the tree before sending him careening past her and slamming him into the trunk behind her. Recalling her snakes, they retreated back up into her sleeves and disappeared. Without a moment's hesitation, she held his hand against the tree trunk, flicked a kunai from her coat pocket, and shoved the blade through both of their hands.

Anko pulled back with a triumphant grin.

"Ha. I gotcha. Now then, let me just borrow your left hand."

Orochimaru's eyes widened, clearly not having expected her to attempt to sacrifice herself. "That hand sign…"

"Right," she said, meeting his hideous, deformed gaze, grateful it wouldn't have the chance to haunt her dreams. "It's over. You and I are going to die here."

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and began to channel her chakra into her chest. _'Ninja Art, Twin Snake Sacrifice Jutsu!'_

She felt her chakra constrict around her heart and stifled any sounds of pain as she kept her eyes closed and focused on the precision required to perform the Jutsu. Kakashi's unmasked face flashed in behind her eyelids, and she choked down the heartache.

' _I love you, Kakashi,_ ' she thought mournfully. _'_ I'm _sorry it had to end before it even began.'_

Her eyes flew open when she heard the dark chuckle and the sadistic voice from behind her.

"I'm afraid you will die alone, Anko."

Her jaw went slack, and she slowly turned her head in horror to find Orochimaru rising to his feet.

' _No…'_

"That's right. Substitution."

She watched, mortified as he lifted his hand to tear off what was left of the mask made from the Grass ninja's face. She swung her head back around to look at the thing that she had pinned to the tree only to find that it was a mud clone that was now melting away.

' _No,'_ she thought again, the shame welling up inside at her own incompetence as she let her head fall forward in frustrated defeat. _'How could I let him fool me like that again?'_

"Of course. You're one of the elite now. A righteous warrior. How naughty of you to use the forbidden Jutsu I taught you," he taunted.

' _No! He hasn't beaten me yet!_ ' Anko pulled the kunai from her hand, and with unmatched speed and accuracy, she spun and launched it right toward him.

Unfortunately, Orochimaru caught the blade with ease taunting her again with another smirk.

"It won't work, Anko," he said before he raised his other hand to perform a silent Jutsu that sent pain coursing through her body until it gathered in the Curse Mark on her left shoulder.

She gasped at the burning sensation that was so strong it nearly paralyzed her. Orochimaru dropped the kunai, and it landed point down in the wood at his feet before he approached her with sinister slowness.

Anko looked up at him with a hateful glare in her eyes. "Why are you here?" she demanded.

"I'm disappointed," he said coolly. "I expected a friendlier reception after all this time."

"Don't tell me you've come here to assassinate Lord Hokage."

"No, not yet. I don't have quite enough followers to attempt that. But I've heard such good things about this village, I thought I might want to make it mine."

The pain in her shoulder only increased in its intensity until Anko could no longer stand, and she slowly sunk to her knees.

"Oh, it's the mark, isn't it? I put that same Curse Mark on a young man just a little while ago. He's a very promising prospect."

"You haven't changed I see," she growled up at him, defiant even if she'd fallen unwillingly at his feet. "He'll die before he serves you!"

"Very possibly. I'd say the odds are one in ten against him. But the kid may survive, as you did."

"Sounds like you want him badly, huh?"

"Oh, jealous?" he asked in a sickening tone as he crouched down in front of her.

She recoiled as he reached out a hand to stroke the side of her face, as if it was a gesture of endearment. Her insides crawled, and she wanted vomit.

"Is that it? You can't forgive me, can you? For using you, then tossing you aside."

Anko growled, refusing to let him see any more of her discomfort than she already had.

"In some ways, the boy has even more potential than you had. You see, he's inherited the sublime abilities of the Uchiha Clan. And, his physical condition is excellent.

The Uchiha kid? Kakashi's Genin? Of course Orochimaru would set his sights on the Sharingan.

"Yes, he might very well be the heir I'm looking for. At the very least, he makes things interesting."

Orochimaru's hand fell away from her, and he got to his feet. Anko expected him to end her, but his next words caught her off guard.

"Whatever happens, make sure no one stops the exams early," he ordered before turning away and walking back into the darkness. "Three of my followers are also candidates. I look forward to seeing how they fare."

She wanted to go after him, but she couldn't, still paralyzed as she was. He'd immobilized her, and he would only loosen his hold once he was far enough out of her reach. After he'd vanished, she heard his voice echo through the trees one last time.

"Bear this in mind: If anything happens to deprive me of my fun, it means the end of the Leaf Village."

X-X-X

Even with his speed and his hounds on the lookout, the Forest of Death was vast and difficult to cover quickly. Kakashi leapt through the trees deftly, using his Sharingan to process even the slightest movements in search of Anko. When Pakkun came back to him with a report on her location, he rerouted to the East and picked up the pace.

He found her slumped high in the trees, and the sight of her motionless form stuck a cord that nearly made him sick to his stomach. He pushed through it to reach her, crouching in front of her to ascertain whether or not she was still alive. When he reached out to touch her cheek, his fingertips barely brushed her skin before she jerked her head away and made to strike him.

Kakashi caught her wrist to stop the motion, relief washing over him.

"Anko."

Once she'd realized that it was only Kakashi, and that she had no need for self-defense, she let her hand fall as she absorbed the pain she'd caused in her shoulder by moving too suddenly. Her face was marred with a grimace as she tried to will away the overpowering sting.

"What happened?"

"I…I failed," she replied weakly, feeling dizzy and light-headed. "H-he got away… I failed…"

Kakashi had known that he would escape, but he kept this to himself, thankful that he had at least spared Anko's life—never mind whatever reason he may have had for doing so.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that you're alright."

She lifted her hand to her shoulder again as Kakashi steadied her. "H-he got the Uchiha kid… He gave him the Curse Mark and plans to recruit him…"

' _Sauske.'_

Kakashi looked back to his ninja hounds. He ordered Pakkun to track down Naruto, Sauske, and Sakura, and to keep an eye on them while he told the others to try to find any trace of Orochimaru.

"Report back to me immediately."

"We're on it," said Pakkun before he and the others scattered once more.

"It's no use," said Anko. "He's long gone… He'll only be found if he wants to be."

Though he wouldn't admit it out loud, she was probably right. He'd been absent from anyone's sight for a decade or more and had only chosen now to reveal himself. Still, Anko didn't need his formidability reaffirmed.

"Can you move?" he asked her gently, but seriously.

Without answering him, she tried to stand only to waver off-balance. He was quick to get to his feet and steady her before she fell. The collar of her coat shifted to reveal the angry, glowing Cursed Seal of Heaven that was the source of her extreme discomfort.

"Easy…" he said, keeping her steady as he slowly moved to stand at her back. He was unable to perform a full sealing Jutsu on the Curse Mark, but maybe he could lessen its hold on her. Performing a few hand signs, he placed his palm over the mark to contain its power for the time being. When he removed his hand, it was no longer glowing, returning to its normal black form.

"Let's get you out of here," he said, lifting her into his arms and carrying her out of the trees.

He found a moonlit clearing that seemed far less foreboding that the forest itself, and so he stopped there so that Anko could recover while they decided what to do next. Knowing she was already berating herself for being unable to defeat Orochimaru and having to be carried away from the scene, Kakashi decided he would preserve what remained of her dignity by allowing her to bandage her own hand.

He didn't need to ask about how she'd gotten the wound. She was otherwise unharmed, and it appeared that Orochimaru had not had his sights on disposing of her. No, judging by the way she'd seemed to kiss him in a final bid farewell, and by the way she looked down at her wounded hand with something akin to disgust, he could well imagine that she had attempted to sacrifice herself to take him down. Although he didn't like the fact that such a monster was at large and on the loose once more, Kakashi was grateful she'd failed in her mission if that was how she'd planned to get her revenge.

"Are you alright?" he finally asked her quietly.

"No," she replied, refusing to look up at him. She felt like a failure, not for the first time. She'd been such a fool to follow him into the dark, and he'd eventually abandoned her when he'd seen that she didn't have the potential he'd been looking for. To him, she'd been worthless, so he'd casted her aside. When she'd had the chance to end him, she only found further affirmation of her worthlessness. Not good enough to be Orochimaru's heir, and not good enough to stop him from victimizing anyone else.

Kakashi didn't need her to vocalize these thoughts. He could read them in every line of her face, a task made even simpler by his Sharingan. He sighed.

"If my redemption doesn't lie in self-sacrifice, then neither does yours. You're no more bound by your past than I am."

She heard her own words mingled with his, and she momentarily felt like a hypocrite. However, she couldn't bring herself to regret her attempt to sacrifice herself for the sake of destroying that bastard.

Rather than admit aloud that he was right, she changed the subject. "We've wasted enough time. Somebody's gotta tell Lord Hokage."

He watched her as she rose to her feet. Although it was clear that she was not back to one-hundred percent, she was at least able to maintain her balance.

"Yeah. I guess we'd better get going."

They walked side-by-side in silence across the clearing. There was no sense in rushing, and doing so would likely only make Anko's condition worse. However, as they approached the tree line, something rustled in the bushes beyond.

"Hold on," said Kakashi, putting his arm out in front of her.

They both peered into the shadows, Kakashi's Sharingan whirring as it focused on the source of the movement. A moment later, a great tiger appeared from the brush.

Anko growled. "We don't have time for this."

Their heads swung to the left, and then to the right as two other tigers revealed themselves, surrounding the pair of Leaf ninja.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Anko before she felt another pang in her shoulder, causing her to lift her hand out of reflex.

The tiger directly in front of them opened its mouth to roar, ready to strike, but Kakashi rapidly cycled through the hand signs to produce his Lightning Blade, positioning himself between Anko and the beast.

Before he could attack the animal, however, it froze, then tipped over. They looked around at the others to find that they had been felled as well, and were now laying peacefully on the ground.

"It's a paralysis Jutsu," Anko observed.

"So there you are, Anko," came a voice from above before three masked ninja dropped down around them, one of them all too familiar. No longer confused, Kakashi let his Lightning Blade fade.

"Man, you ANBU goons took your time getting here, didn't you?" Anko barked at the newcomers.

"Well there's no need to get snippy."

Without warning, Anko let out an agonized scream, collapsing and clutching desperately at her shoulder.

"Anko!" they all exclaimed, Kakashi dropping to a knee beside her. The Curse Mark still appeared dormant, but it was clearly still causing her immense pain.

"Hold on, her Curse Mark?" asked one of the ANBU, sounding rightfully concerned. "Then that means…"

"Orochimaru," said Tenzo.

"What, here!? No!" said another in mortified disbelief.

"I'm afraid so," said Kakashi.

"Hurry, let's get you up," said the first ANBU. "We'll carry you to Lord Hokage if we have to."

"No!" she protested. "No… Take me to the tower."

"What are you talking about? You know we have to raise the alarm at the first sign of Orochimaru. It's more important than the Chunin Exams!"

"I know, but…"

Orochimaru had warned her not to let anything stop the exams. Although she didn't want him hanging around to disrupt them, she wasn't sure what he would do if they were interrupted. Still, they were right. Lord Hokage needed to know.

"Alright then. Summon Lord Hokage to the tower. I'll explain everything there."

Two of the ANBU left the forest to retrieve the Hokage while Tenzo stayed behind with Kakashi and Anko.

"Orochimaru, huh? I can't say I'm entirely surprised, but still… Why now?"

"Who knows, but I have a feeling we're going to find out," said Kakashi. He attempted to assist Anko in standing again, but her legs buckled on her.

"Dammit!"

"Take it easy," said Kakashi. "There's no need to push yourself. I've got you."

"I…I can do it myself," she protested.

Kakashi took her face in his hands and forced her to look into his mismatched eyes.

"You helped me. Now let me help you."

She didn't want him or anyone else to think less of her when she was already feeling badly about herself as it was. Yet, as she looked back into those eyes, she recalled the first time she'd fallen into them, and she knew that he did not think her weak despite her failure. His opinion was one of very few that mattered to her.

She saw those same emotions from earlier revealed to her once again as she lost herself in Kakashi's gaze. Then she remembered how he'd come to her all on his own and had lain his vulnerabilities at her feet, trusting her not to judge him for his imperfections. He'd let himself be vulnerable with her. Shouldn't she be able to do the same?

Slowly, she let her eyes fall closed and gave in. There was no more use in expending the effort it took to keep herself upright and get herself out of this forest when what she needed was time to recover.

"Ok," she said at last, leaning into Kakashi and allowing him to lift her into his arms once more. Almost instantly, she found herself more at ease as her head rested against his chest, and she took comfort in the sound of his steady heartbeat. No other words were spoken as he carried her to the tower, Tenzo silently accompanying them.


	19. Chapter 19: Facing the Shadows

_Chapter Nineteen: Facing the Shadows_

"This is turning into a real mess, but there's no way we can cancel the test," said Anko as Kakashi kept his hand on the Curse Mark on her shoulder, channeling his own chakra into easing its hold on her.

"What do you mean?" said Tenzo. "If Orochimaru's really returned, we can't be fooling around with this."

"You don't understand: he threatened to harm the village if the exams are stopped."

"And…you believe him?"

"We have no reason not to," said Kakashi. "I don't think he's one to throw around idle threats…"

Tenzo looked away, and despite the mask, it was clear that the mention of Orochimaru made him extremely uncomfortable.

"Either way, I guess it's for Lord Hokage to decide," said Anko.

Pakkun returned with word that Sauske Uchiha was still alive, though he appeared to be battling some discomfort. He reported that Naruto and Sakura were largely unharmed. Anko had expected worse news and was relieved.

"You survived it," Kakashi pointed out.

"Yeah. I was apparently the only one…"

It was no surprise when the other dogs returned to report no sign of Orochimaru. Kakashi thanked them for their efforts and dismissed them. It didn't take too much time before Hiruzen arrived, accompanied by the other two ANBU and the three Tokubetsu Jonin from earlier. Kakashi stepped aside to let the Hokage examine Anko while she briefed him on what had occurred in the forest.

"Does the Curse Mark still cause you pain?"

"No, not really," she said, though her tone wasn't convincing. "Thanks to Kakashi, it's much better." She pulled her coat back over her shoulder as the Hokage stepped back.

"That's good, but we'd better get back to business," said Kotetsu. "This Orochimaru is one of the Sanin, the three legendary ninja, isn't he? He's supposed to be so incredibly powerful that not even the ANBU Black Ops unit could bring him down. I heard a rumor that he died, but I guess that wasn't true."

"No," said Kakashi. "He's definitely still alive…"

"Why did he come to this village anyway?" asked one of the ANBU.

"That kid," said Anko almost absently as she recalled what Orochimaru had said to her.

"He's after Sauske right?" asked the Hokage.

She swung her head around to look at him, surprised he'd jumped to the correct conclusion so quickly. She felt Kakashi's eyes snap back to her.

"He's after my student?"

"He's looking for another prodigy, no doubt," said Hiruzen. "I knew he would return for that very reason."

It made her sick to even think it—to imagine that boy in Orochimaru's grasp, and that monster feeding off of his negative emotions and taking advantage of them to create a living weapon. It was what he'd wanted from Anko, but she hadn't lived up to his expectations. Somehow, it still stung, the knowledge that she hadn't been good enough back then. Perhaps because now that she'd gone toe-to-toe with him, she'd realized she was still too weak, no matter which side she was on. The sting of failure hurt far worse than the pain of his betrayal.

Another Tokubetsu Jonin knocked before entering the room, and all eyes turned to him.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Anko, we've confirmed that twenty-one ninja have finished the second exam. And as for the third exam, according to the rules, we'll have to hold a round of preliminaries first. The first time in five years."

Twenty-one? That was a total of seven teams who managed to survive the Forest of Death. It was unusual, to be sure. Maybe Ibiki had been right, and they really were testing a better crop of candidates this year.

"Now, for the time being," said Lord Third, getting back to the matter at hand. "We'll just continue with the exams as planned. But I also want to keep an eye on _his_ movements as well."

Anko wasn't sure whether his decision was a relief or not. She was terrified of what Orochimaru would do if they canceled the exams, however she'd also been hoping that Lord Third would have a better solution than simply letting the coming events unfold. Judging by the looks on the others' faces, they were all thinking the same thing. But, he had spoken his piece, so there was nothing to do but proceed with the exams and hope that they were able to stop whatever Orochimaru had planned.

X-X-X

The seven teams that had passed the second exam were all gathered in the main room of the tower, as were all the proctors and assistants. The Jonin leaders were also present, and Lord Third stuck around to be a part of proceedings so that he could keep close watch on the situation, and particularly on Sauske. While the rest of the Jonin had been briefed on the reappearance of Orochimaru, the candidates all remained ignorant. All except for Kakashi's students anyway. Anko kept her eyes on the Uchiha kid, noting his discomfort and the whispering that occurred between him and the pink-haired kunoichi, Sakura.

Kakashi was watching his students closely as well. So closely, in fact, that he missed Guy's feeble attempt to get under his skin altogether.

"I see your team didn't do too bad, Kakashi," said the Green Beast with a grin. "They must have gotten real lucky. Of course, with my team still around, your team is doomed to failure. And after all, what matters on the next test is ability, and we've got you far outclassed. Well I guess part of growing up is learning to deal with heartbreak, huh Kakashi?"

"Huh?" said the Copy Ninja absently, more concerned with looking for any unusual behavior from Sauske. "Did you say something?"

Guy silently fumed from beside him, but no one paid the overzealous Jonin in spandex any attention. Thankfully, Anko was safe. However, now Kakashi was hyper-focused on his student, marked as he was by a fate worse than death. He could recommend that Sauske be removed from the Chunin Exams in order to avoid a potential hazard, but Kakashi suspected that doing so would only fuel Sauske's anger and resentment, which would strengthen the Curse Mark and ensure that it took hold of him. It needed to be sealed, but seal or no seal, it was Sauske's emotions that would determine what became of him now.

After a lengthy speech from the Third Hokage regarding the larger purpose of the Chunin Exams, Hayate Gekko appeared to announce that it was necessary to hold preliminaries to narrow the field of candidates. He stated that if they didn't feel up to participating, they could drop out voluntarily. The Genin griped and grumbled, calling the practice unfair, but it didn't alter the decision.

Unbeknownst to Kakashi's team, several pairs of eyes were on them. Kakashi, Anko, and Hiruzen witnessed Sauske's struggle with the pain in his shoulder, no doubt caused by the Curse Mark Orochimaru had inflicted on the boy.

"It's just as I feared," said Lord Third quietly.

"What do we do with him?" asked Ibiki.

"We take him out of the exam, hand him over the Black Ops, and let them keep him locked up. We have to keep that Seal under control—"

"Oh, and he's just going to go along with all of this, hm?" Kakashi interjected in a tone she hadn't heard from him in a while. "You really think so? You're forgetting: he's of the Uchiha clan."

"I don't care what the heck he is! If he stays, he's a danger to everyone!" Anko hissed in protest. "Don't you see, as he gets stronger, so does the Curse Mark! That thing is feeding off his chakra!" She reached up to touch her own shoulder again, the burn slight, but mostly diminished thanks to him. "It's a forbidden jutsu that devours the one who bears it. It's incredible the kid's still standing. By now he…should be dead."

Though he didn't back down from his stance, he allowed a sympathetic look to pass across his face, silently asking her to trust him. "I'm well aware…"

"Lord Hokage…" Anko pled.

Their conversation was interrupted by a collective gasp followed by a chorus of hushed exclamations.

"Ok, you got me, I'm out."

Hayate glanced down at his clipboard. "Uh…Kabuto Yakushi of the Leaf Village right? Ok, you can go on and step back."

There was an exchange between Kabuto and Naruto, as though they'd become friends over the course of this exam. Kabuto explained that he just wasn't up for another fight so soon, and that he needed to rest.

"Seems to me, I've seen that one before," said Lord Third. "If memory serves, this isn't the first time he's dropped out before a battle. What kind of game is he playing?"

Ibiki turned to her. "Anko?"

"Oh! Right…" She lifted her notepad and flipped a few pages. "Kabuto Yakushi. Says here he's…failed six times in a row."

"What do you have on his background?" asked Lord Third, shifting his gaze to her.

"His time at the Academy was not what you would call impressive. Average grades. Took him a full three tries before he passed the graduation exam. As far as the missions he's carried out since then, there's been two C-ranks and fourteen D-ranks. It's not exactly a battle record to write home about."

It was established that Kabuto was the adopted son of the head of the Medical Corp, found nearly dead after the Battle of Kikyo Pass. He was a bit of a mystery, and if he kept dropping out of the Chunin Exams, it begged the question: why did he even continue to try?

Kabuto waved to Naruto as he left.

"Now then, does anyone else wanna quit?" asked Hayate.

There was a long silence as the Hokage drew from his pipe. "I'm still concerned about what Orochimaru said. Allow the boy to continue with the exam for now, and we'll see what happens."

Anko spun on him. Surely he would have understood the gravity of the situation. "What!? But—Lord Hokage—"

"However," he said, turning to Ibiki. "At the first sign of the Curse Mark growing, or his power getting out of control, you will step in and stop it."

"Right."

"But I—"Anko stopped herself and sighed in resignation. He'd decided, and nothing was likely to change his mind. "As you wish…" She glanced at Kakashi, feeling like no one was taking this as seriously as they should. Of course he was on the same page as Lord Third. She only wished he understood…

Since there were no further objections to be made, Hayate proceeded with the commencement of the preliminaries. Anko wasn't happy about the fist matchup. _'Figures he'd be first.'_ It was Sauske and a teammate of Kabuto's, Yoroi Akado.

As Jonin and candidates alike headed for the upper level, Naruto attempted to get Kakashi's attention, but Kakashi was focused on his other student.

Anko watched the exchange, unable to hear their hushed conversation. Her frown only deepened. She turned when a heavy hand touched her shoulder.

"I know you're worried," said Ibiki. "But trust us. We know what we're doing."

"Do you?" she challenged.

"Hey, between all of us, I think we've pretty well got it under control."

"No offense, Ibiki…but I doubt that." She pulled away from him, and he followed her upstairs without another word.

The battle started quickly as Yoroi threw shuriken and Sauske counted by the same means. It was clear from the beginning that the Curse Mark was going to cause trouble for the Uchiha, but despite the pain throwing him off balance, he managed to pin Yoroi. Yoroi turned the tables, using a jutsu that zapped Sauske's chakra, and it appeared that the match would end as quickly as it had begun.

Sauske was able to push Yoroi off of him, and he held his own even with the drained chakra and the pull of the Curse Mark. Having copied Rock Lee's Shadow of the Dancing Leaf technique, he used it to toss Yoroi into the air and get behind him. However, it was then that the Curse Mark was activated, and angry red marks began to spread across the boy's neck and face.

From her place beside Lord Third on the second floor, Anko gripped the railing, wishing she'd put up more of a fight to have him removed from these exams. If the kid didn't die, he was liable to kill someone.

Further down, Kakashi braced himself for the possibility that he would have to step in before it went too far. He tensed as he watched the mark expand—only to sigh in relief when it seemed that Sauske regained control over it, fighting the hold it wanted to have on him. Perhaps the others had underestimated the Uchiha, but Kakashi knew well of their sheer willpower and their tenacity.

' _The Curse Mark receded,'_ thought Anko in disbelief. _'Could it be that I underestimated this kid?'_ She relaxed her hold on the railing, noting Lord Third's slight grin. _'Still…he's not out of the woods yet.'_

Sauske pummeled Yoroi with his Lion's Barrage, but his attack left them both sprawled on the ground, Sauske's strength all but gone. The spectators watched in silence as Hayate walked over to Yoroi to check his vital signs.

"Well this one's had it."

He looks over at Sauske, who managed to pull himself into a sitting position, wiping the blood from his mouth.

"I'm declaring this match over. As the winner of this preliminary round, Sauske Uchiha advances to the finals."

Sauske's teammates rejoiced, and Anko's shoulders fell, relieved that a crisis had been averted for the time being. She still couldn't believe what she'd seen—as though that Uchiha kid had gained control over the Curse Mark in such a short time.

Sauske attempted to stand, but nearly fell backward. Kakashi appeared behind the boy, steadying him with his knee. The Medical Corp came to take Yoroi out on a stretcher.

"Sauske Uchiha, maybe you should come along to the infirmary too and let us treat your injuries," said one of the medical ninja.

"I think you're out of your league on this one. I'll look after him," said Kakashi. He crouched down and said quietly, "Ok, up you go. You're coming with me."

' _We've got to seal that Curse Mark,'_ he thought. He'd made the right call allowing Sauske to continue with the exams. Luckily, he'd been up first, and now that his preliminary match was out of the way, it was time to take care of that mark before he was no longer able to control it on his own.

"Before the preliminaries are over?" protested Sauske. "I want to see who gets to go on to the finals."

Kakashi stood. "Forget it."

"But—"

"And don't even think of arguing. If we leave it any longer, who knows, it may be too late. I've already cut you enough slack as it is. Come on. Let's go."

Anko watched as Sauske stood, and Kakashi led him from the room. She didn't know what his reasons were for not removing him sooner, but at least he seemed to be taking it more seriously now.

She shook off thoughts of Sauske, Orochimaru, and the Curse Mark. There were another nine preliminary matches to be fought, so she turned her attention back to the panel that was now randomly generating the names of the next candidates that would face off.

X-X-X

Kakashi didn't want to waste time in taking the boy all the way back to ANBU Headquarters, so he took him to the tower's large, empty basement instead where they were sure not to be disturbed. He knew the sealing Jutsu, which took enough time to set up as it was. Sauske sat in the middle of the floor and watched as his Sensei drew the appropriate marks in a circular pattern around him before he wrote the symbols going up the boy's back.

"Ok," said Kakashi, standing behind Sauske. "It'll be over quickly. Are you ready?"

Sauske nodded, and without wasting any more time, Kakashi performed the proper hand signs for the Curse Sealing. He placed his palm on the Curse Mark, and Sauske let out an agonizing scream at the burning pain that enveloped his body. When Kakashi removed his hand, the seal appeared around the mark.

"There. Now the next time that Curse Mark starts acting up, the seal should keep it in check. But remember, this Curse Sealing Jutsu is only as strong as you are. It derives its power from the strength of _your_ will. If that will ever weakens, if you ever begin to doubt yourself, the Curse will be released in all its fury."

Not having the strength left to even argue, the boy collapsed.

"My, how you've grown," came a chilling voice from behind him. "To think you've become strong enough to perform the Curse Sealing Jutsu."

Kakashi's body tensed and froze, his mind conjuring the memory of those snake-like eyes that had immobilized him once before. Slowly, he turned. "You."

"Long time no see, Kakashi."

"Orochimaru."

Those sinister golden eyes flashed, and for the first time in a long time, Kakashi feared for his own mortality. Silence reigned as the two stood facing one another.

"No offense Kakashi, but I didn't come to see you. My business is with that boy behind you."

"What do you want with Sauske?" Kakashi demanded, his drive to protect his student at all cost suddenly overriding the fear.

Orochimaru only gave a dark, amused chuckle. "The last time we met, I glimpsed that Sharingan in your left eye. It's only fitting that I should want it, too. The Uchiha power. I could have taken yours, but as I said before, I don't want a fake…"

"What's your game?"

"The Sound Village that everyone's curious about? It's mine. You see, I created it. I think you understand without my saying anymore."

He understood, alright. It seemed that Orochimaru was still keen on utilizing human test subjects, just as he'd done with Anko before he'd thrown her aside. "Huh. You and your wild-eyed ambition."

"Oh yes indeed. As always. But to play the game as you put it, I need pieces on the Chess board, willing pawns to do my bidding."

"And Sauske is one of your pawns."

"Oh, not a pawn. He's a far more valuable piece than that. But as for the others, well you know how it is in the game of Chess. Pieces must be sacrificed."

With a challenging smirk, Orochimaru slowly approached. Kakashi watched him, but when he took one step too far, he didn't hesitate to conjure the Lightning Blade in his palm.

"Stop! Don't come any closer!" he warned, his earlier fear all but forgotten in favor of his resolve to protect Sauske.

"Huh…"

"I don't care if you are one of the Sanin, the three Shinobi of legend, I swear, take one more step toward Sauske, and one of us will die here."

Orochimaru only laughed, and the sound grated his nerves.

"Funny, is it?" Kakashi growled.

"Poor Kakashi, all your noble efforts, all in vain."

"What?"

"Do you really believe that the seal will hold? Do you think that you can keep him…from what he truly desires? You know I'm right. A heart like his that hungers for only one thing will not be denied no matter what obstacles you put in his path. He's an avenger, isn't he?"

"You think you can take advantage of that? Not Sauske."

"You cannot stop it. At some point he will come to me, in search of power."

Orochimaru turned his back on Kakashi, clearly not threatened, especially when the chirp of the Lightning Blade disappeared. For a moment, he stopped, and Kakashi could still hear the amusement in his voice.

"Unless of course you carry out your threat to kill me. Now is your chance. Take it if you dare."

Remembering his earlier fear and his last encounter with the rogue ninja, Kakashi froze again. He wanted to do it—to take him out—but it felt as though he'd been paralyzed by some sort of poison. His mind went blank, and he remained still until Orochimaru had vanished.

'" _One of us will die here"? I must have been out of my mind…'_ Kakashi stood straight again and took several deep breaths to steady himself. He closed his eyes, feeling the familiar pang of shame wash over him; the same shame that had gripped him when he'd still been a young member of the ANBU Black Ops.

Once he'd recovered, he took Sauske to the infirmary to rest and to have his injuries tended to while several ANBU stood watch. He then rejoined his team to continue watching the rest of the preliminaries after reassuring them both that Sauske was in good hands.

While Naruto passed his preliminary match, Sakura did not. Still, Kakashi was proud of his team for doing so well. Two of the three had made it to the final round. When it was all over, Kakashi returned to the infirmary to check on Sauske only to find that Kabuto had taken out the ANBU guards that Kakashi had personally assembled. It wasn't much of a surprise to learn that Kabuto was working for Orochimaru, but Kakashi found himself once again cursing his inability to stop another enemy from escaping.

With the threat to Sauske's life looming, Kakashi knew that he had prioritize the Uchiha's training. Though Naruto wasn't happy about this, it was up to Kakashi to teach Sauske how to defend himself against the rogues that were after him.

"You really think you can teach him to control it?"

"You did," Kakashi pointed out.

Anko looked away, not having a counterargument.

"Look, I can't keep him from the path he's chosen for himself. If I tried, I guarantee the results would be disastrous, and he would lose control of the Curse Mark."

"You're playing with fire."

"His life is at stake. I won't allow him to become a sitting duck."

Anko clenched her firsts, but she knew he was right. What did she expect him to do? Keep the kid locked up forever? Yes, it was true that Anko had overcome and suppressed the power of her Cursed Seal, but there was something about that Uchiha kid that rubbed her the wrong way. He was talented and skilled—a true prodigy. But…

"I choose to have faith in my student," said Kakashi. "Just like I had faith in you." He paused, then added. "Just like _you_ had faith in _me_."

Anko suddenly lifted her eyes to his, and saw that he'd lifted his headband to reveal his Sharingan.

He, too, had been on a dark path once, and yet he'd crawled out of that pit of black despair in favor of rejoining the living. He'd made the right choice in the end, but then, it had taken a decade or more, and he hadn't been influenced by someone as dangerous as Orochimaru.

"Kakashi—"

"We'll talk later," he said, replacing his headband before he left her.

She'd had faith in Kakashi for so long, how could she retract it now? Surely he knew what was best for the boy, especially since he likely identified with the Uchiha on some level. Still, it wasn't only Sauske who was in Orochimaru's line of fire: they all were, and if Kakashi was protecting the boy, he likely had a huge target on his back.

Yet, as Kakashi walked away, he knew that he would eventually have to tell her that he'd also come face-to-face with the snake—and choked.

X-X-X

A few days passed, and they were thankfully uneventful, yet no less stressful. The tension mounted when the body of Hayate Gekko was found at Kikyo Castle, and a meeting was held to determine what the village's next move would be.

"This has to be Orochimaru's doing," said Anko during the meeting.

"As likely as that may seem, let's not jump to conclusions yet," said Kakashi, gaining Anko's attention. "We think Hayate was onto a Sound Village spy named Kabuto. No doubt Orochimaru is up to something, but we don't know for sure—"

"Well I say, cancel the Chunin Exams and go after Orochimaru," said Raido.

"No. I think not," said Lord Third. "He revealed himself to Anko and sent a warning not to cancel the exams. You see, these exams have brought together ninja from every allied nation."

"What do you think it means?"

"There are two things we know about him: that he bears an abiding grudge against our Hidden Leaf Village, and that his power is great. Perhaps great enough to crush a village on his own. Certainly great enough that any village would prefer to have him on their side rather than against them."

"Impossible. No village in the alliance would betray another and join forces with that fiend."

"Well, the alliance treaty is only as binding as any verbal agreement," said Kakashi, and Raido looked at him. "As we found out during the last Great Ninja War."

"In any case, until we're able to find out more, this is all just idle speculation," said the Hokage. "We've dispatched ANBU Black Ops to every village to collect information. We'd be fools to act hastily. That might be just what our enemy is aiming for. And besides, I have complete trust in every one of you. When and if the time comes, we will gather the strength of the Hidden Leaf Village and fight if we must."

X-X-X

Two weeks went by without incident, and it seemed to everyone that the village was in the midst of the calm before the storm. Shinobi and civilians alike were on edge, trying to prepare themselves for whatever Orochimaru had in store for them. Ibiki worked around the clock with his agents, searching for any traces of the rogue ninja, and hunting for clues about when and how he and his followers would strike. It was evident that it would happen. The only question was when.

What remained of Anko's memories returned to her in the form of nightmares until both her waking and sleeping hours were spent in a constant state of hyperarousal, due to either terror or heightened vigilance. With the threat from her former Sensei hanging over the village like a dark cloud, she had no time for anything else.

Her own incompetence plagued her as much as her nightmares. It was her own gullibility that had led to the deaths of her parents, and it was her own weakness that was now going to cost the Hidden Leaf Village.

One afternoon, Anko stood some distance behind the Hokage as he sat in the Memorial room, no doubt contemplating the situation in which the village now found itself—in the sights and at the mercy of the rogue legendary Sanin. For a while, she didn't speak, but then she found her nerve.

"Lord Hokage."

"What is it Anko?" he said, his voice as sage-like as ever.

How could she say it? It ached in the pit of her stomach, and the words were so hard to find, crushed under her deep-seated feelings of failure. "I'm sorry…b-but I'm—"

"You're what? Are you feeling guilty that you returned alive from the Forest of Death?"

She ducked her head, unable to respond.

"There's no need for that," he assured her. "After all, you no longer have a connection to Orochimaru, right? There's no ninja alive today in the Village Hidden in the Leaves that could ever hope to defeat him. I myself probably would not be his equal."

He might have been right. She had been Orochimaru's student, but Lord Third had been his teacher. If even he was not powerful enough to beat him…

"I wish…the Fourth Hokage were still alive."

"You shouldn't say such things. It's only because he sacrificed himself and died that our land was saved. Besides, that's all in the past. It's a story from thirteen years ago. He's gone, and we can't change that. We must do what we can with what we have."

"Yes Sir," she said, knowing there was no sense in arguing. He was right, after all.

The Third Hokage stood and replaced his headdress. "Very well, I'm going out to get some fresh air."

He paused on his way out the door.

"And Anko."

She turned toward him.

"Don't blame yourself," he said before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Anko sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor. Somehow, his reassurances didn't assuage her guilt, though she knew it was foolish to hold onto it.

She wandered through the village, hands in her pockets and eyes downcast as she racked her brain for any way that she might be able to stop the coming tragedy. Yet, it really was an inevitability at this point. Ibiki had found nothing, and neither had she. She only hoped that the ANBU would pull through, though she knew it was futile. Orochimaru was far too powerful. Even Lord Third had said as much.

Kakashi stood above the slightly crowded streets, as alert as ever, his eyes scanning the throngs of people down below and glancing toward the outer wall on occasion. His training with Sauske had been going well thus far, and they'd done enough for one day. Though the boy needed to learn how to protect himself, he also needed to learn when to rest and revitalize his chakra if he was going to master a high-level Jutsu like Chidori. Overall, Kakashi was pleased with his progress.

Though an attack on the village was imminent, it was not, apparently, immediate. A potential crisis had been averted during the second exam, and they had all been doing whatever they could to prepare for what was surely coming. With all the work to be done and the entire village on edge, Kakashi hadn't given much thought to anything else. Now that there was little to do but sit and wait, his mind had begun to wander back to Anko.

He'd seen her in passing over the last few weeks, never really having the time to chat or to check up on her. However, even with their brief interactions, he could tell that this Orochimaru business was weighing on her more than anyone else, and he understood why. She'd done so well moving on with her life after his betrayal, but those old wounds had been reopened alongside new ones. He was sure she felt at least partially responsible for the threat the village now faced.

He knew it, in fact, and though he recognized that, had her attempt to eliminate Orochimaru been successful, they wouldn't need to worry so much about the safety of the village, he was selfishly grateful that she was still alive. Whether he had wanted her there or not, she had become a constant fixture in his life, one that he had learned to appreciate much too late.

He had spoken with Yugao, who was devastated at the news of Hayate's death. They had been engaged for quite some time, and it really hit Kakashi how important it was to not take anything for granted. They were Shinobi, after all, and soon, many of them would likely die for the sake of protecting the village.

He would still gladly give his life for his comrades—that would never change. However, Kakashi was no longer eager to throw himself to the wolves and hope for a quick and merciful death. It had taken far too long, but he'd finally learned what it was like to have a reason to live. He didn't want to throw it all away, as if all he'd chosen to live for was meaningless.

He recalled Tenzo's passage in the journal that Anko had given him:

"… _The actions of a Shinobi have no merit—no worth—if he doesn't know for what or whom he's fighting. Further, his life is meaningless without a sense of belonging and purpose, as is his death. Better to live and die as part of something greater than to give one's life without appreciating the value of that sacrifice…"_

It seemed funny how the misguided boy that had been brainwashed by Danzo's Foundation had actually been the one to teach Kakashi something for a change, but his words were particularly poignant, especially when Kakashi's eyes landed on the woman who had been cropping up in his thoughts more and more.

Dropping down to the ground, Kakashi's long legs allowed him to catch up with her with ease.

"Anko," he said when he was practically at her side.

She stopped and swung her head around, not having expected him to find her.

"Hey."

"Hey," she returned, not sure what else to say.

He hesitated, but then said, "Can we talk later? In private?"

"I imagine you don't have much free time."

"I have the rest of the evening. Meet me at the top of Hokage Rock in an hour."

She nodded, and he was gone as soon as he'd come.

X-X-X

Kakashi was already there when Anko arrived, and she wondered if he'd been there since their earlier meeting. His back was to her as he looked out across at the village, bathed in the light from the setting sun, and he appeared pensive, as he usually did when standing before the Memorial Stone.

Slowly and quietly, she approached. "Kakashi?"

He said nothing as she drew up to stand beside him, so she waited patiently.

"How are you?" he finally asked.

She looked away. "What do you think?"

"You're still blaming yourself," he said, but she didn't respond. Then he said, "If you are, then so am I."

"What are you talking about? What do you have to blame yourself for?"

"You and I haven't really had the chance to talk since all this began, so I haven't had the chance to tell you. He tried to come for Sauske when I sealed the Curse Mark."

"What!?" She stared at him, mouth agape. "How—"

"To be more accurate, I think he came to check on Sauske, and to make a point to me."

"Which was?"

"He thinks that Sauske will choose to seek him out when he's ready."

"And what do you think?"

"I don't know. But that wasn't the first time I faced Orochimaru and let him get away."

"You've…faced him before…?"

"Once, when I was still new to the ANBU."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" she demanded.

"It wasn't one of my proudest moments." He closed his eyes in resignation. "When I faced him again during the preliminaries, the results were the same. I failed to do anything to stop him. At least you tried. That's more than I can say for myself."

Anko was speechless. She would have guessed that Kakashi was one of the few that might have been able to go head-to-head with Orochimaru. Now, there he was, admitting to his own fear and weakness.

"What a pair we are," she said humorlessly as she looked back out over the village. "Two of the best, but our best isn't good enough. Not against him."

There was a long period of silence as the sun continued to set before Kakashi spoke up once more.

"It's just like the last time…before the last Great Ninja War. It's too calm."

Anko couldn't have agreed more. There was nothing more agonizing than awaiting certain destruction.

"Despite all that's happening…or rather, because of it," he said, pushing up his headband. "I've come to a realization."

"Yeah?"

He turned fully to face her, his mismatched eyes piercing hers with a foreign, yet comforting intensity. She couldn't look away even if she'd wanted to.

"I don't want to take anything for granted. Not my students; not my friends; and not you."

"What does that mean?" she asked, her mind stubbornly refusing contemplate that he might be about to fulfill her wish with his next words.

He reached up to brush the backs of his fingers against her cheek as he admitted what was really on his mind.

"Anko, I was so afraid that you wouldn't come back. I knew that I would find you, but I was sure you'd be dead. I can't tell you how relieved I was to be wrong."

She hadn't forgotten about her bold kiss before she'd taken off after Orochimaru, but with everything else going on, she hadn't had much time to think about it. She hadn't even really contemplated her feelings regarding his pursuit of her that night despite her command that he not try to follow her. Their roles had reversed, and now it was Anko who was stuck living in the past since the return of her demented former Sensei. Looking into Kakashi's eyes, she could tell he was asking her to step back into the present with him.

"What…what are you saying?" she asked, her voice shaky.

Kakashi cupped her cheek in the palm of his hand. "I'm saying…no matter what happens from here, I want you to know that I love you, Anko. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out."

Her mind was blank, refusing to process his words when all that she could think about was what dark scheme Orochimaru was plotting. She shook her head.

"I…I can't—"

"You can," he said gently. "Anko, you were prepared to die, and you seized the opportunity to tell me without words what you felt in your heart. You didn't even have to think about it. And that night we shared together—you were prepared for whatever heartache might have been on the other side, but you were willing to embrace that pain if it meant living in and cherishing that moment. Now is no different. He _will_ come, and whatever the end result, I don't want to regret not taking a chance on us. I've already wasted enough time…"

She could have chosen to focus on the coming strike on the village, and what that might mean for the two of them, but Kakashi's words unlocked the shackles that had bound her for the last few weeks, and all she could feel was relief and a strange sort of joy as she lost herself in those eyes she'd fallen in love with more than ten years ago. It felt like coming home after a long, grueling mission. She placed her hand over his as she relaxed into his touch, allowing the surreal moment to carry her away from her worries.

"Am I dreaming, or did Kakashi Hatake just use the 'L' word?"

He chuckled. "I…can't remember the last time I used it," he said, thinking that it had to be sometime prior to his father's suicide.

"Words aren't just words to you, are they?"

Kakashi drew closer as he took her face in both of his hands. "I've never been much of a talker," he said before his tone regained a measure of levity. "Anko, whatever comes—whatever happens—we can face it together."

His words were reinforced when he pulled away his mask before pressing his lips to hers. Nothing mattered anymore. Not her past, not Orochimaru or his plans for Sauske, not the imminent attack on the village. No, just then, Kakashi was all she was aware of, and she refused to disengage her heart to spare a thought to anything else.

X-X-X

With the final round of the Chunin Exams came the assault they'd been waiting for. While ANBU agents had been posted all around the arena, Anko had been given orders to assist Iruka with the evacuation of the Academy students. She hid her apprehension well for their sake, but she couldn't erase the knot of panic in her gut.

Sure enough, she was right to have been concerned. A giant serpent was set on the village to destroy it, a task handled, though not easily, by Ibiki and many of the other Jonin. Kabuto and the rest of Orochimaru's followers had impersonated the ANBU set to guard the event while Orochimaru himself had been disguised as the Sand's Kazekage, which put him in range of Lord Third. The Hokage held his own for a while, but his previous statement had proved accurate: not even _he_ was a match for Orochimaru, and he sacrificed himself with the Reaper Death Seal to weaken the rogue ninja. A team of Sound ninja captured Sauske, but thankfully, Naruto and the other Genin managed to retrieve him and bring him back to the village safely. The village was ultimately saved, but not without substantial losses.

The death of the Third Hokage was not easy for Anko to accept. He was her last mentor, a grandfather of sorts. To have to say a premature goodbye left her feeling hollow.

The funeral was a standard one, albeit with added rituals because of Hiruzen's status as the Hokage. The Heavens cried as a eulogy was given and each villager took their turn at laying a white carnation on the memorial given to the great teacher of the Will of Fire. It was a beautiful and touching ceremony, full of grief and love and sadness.

One by one, those in attendance began to file out of the cemetery in respectful silence; yet Anko's feet wouldn't move. She'd held in the tears, but now they came, though she refused to make a sound. Her eyes were downcast. It hurt too much to look up at his portrait as it sat on the casket, reminding her that she would have to let him go because he was never coming back.

Another life taken by _him._ When would he stop? How many more would have to die by his cold, callous hand in his exhaustive search for power? How many loved ones would he steal from her? The tears became harder to choke down, but she continued to fight them.

It was only when two strong arms wound around from behind that she felt like she could let out some of that pain. A wretched sob escaped, muffled by the rain.

Kakashi glanced over to find Iruka several feet away, comforting Lord Third's grandson, Konohamaru, who was less successful in hiding his great sadness. Not far off was Asuma, who stood silent as a stone, but Kakashi could tell that the death of his father was not an easy pill for him to swallow either.

Anko began to shake with the effort to contain her emotions, a feat that was not usually so difficult for her. He held her tighter without saying a word, aware that no words could possibly ease her heartache. In time, he knew, she would heal, but for now, she needed to grieve.

The life of a Shinobi was an unpredictable one. Sometimes it seemed that the bad far outweighed the good, and hope was too far out of reach. However, as a sinister shadow loomed over the Hidden Leaf Village once again, they held fast to their love and allowed it to be the light that led them through the coming darkness.

 **A/N:** Well, that's all folks! We've come full circle. We started with Orochimaru, and that's where we ended. I found some more inconsistencies in the series, like Orochimaru commenting that Kakashi didn't have the Sharingan the last time they met, but then the ANBU arc shows us otherwise. I mean really, what's canon and what's not? Not even the writers know! But with a few minor edits, I think I kept it as close to the original storyline as I could. I tried not to recap in too much detail.

Anyway, I hope you've all enjoyed this story! I don't have any thoughts or plans for another, but who knows? Maybe I'll think of something else. I need to start working on my own story instead of FanFiction. But let me know your thoughts! And Happy Easter!


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